To Love and Heal (The Power of Love Series)

by Rose, Tamra

  "Caleb, are you okay?"

  His tremoring body, still locked into the ground, spoke volumes. Circling in front of him, Anna was met with a lifeless stare that looked straight past her.

  "Caleb … Caleb, look at me," she urged as her voice grew louder.

  Rivulets of sweat rolled down his face, yet it was as if he had departed his body.

  "Caleb!" Anna exclaimed in her sternest voice yet, hoping it would jolt him back into reality. Like a decommissioned robot that had suddenly been reactivated, Caleb gasped for air as his head jerked up, his eyes wide in primal mode as he grabbed Anna with both arms and tossed her to the ground like a sack of potatoes. The sheer strength behind his actions had catapulted her several feet away, and she dug her nails into the dirt as she struggled to regain the wind that had been pummeled out of her on the hard landing.

  "What the hell is wrong with you?" Anna's father barked fiercely as he ran towards her with Chuck close at his heels.

  Catching a glimpse of Caleb's dazed and ashen face, Anna clutched her stomach in an attempt to squeeze out several labored words. "Dad … please, no!"

  "Anna, are you okay?" Chuck asked as he extended his hand, his face strained with the gravity of the situation.

  She nodded. "Go help him," she said as he pulled her up from the ground.

  Chuck's eyes briefly met with her father's before looking away as he quickened his step towards Caleb. "Come on, let's go where it's quiet," he said gently as he wrapped his arm protectively around his brother.

  "Why did he do this?" Anna's mother asked as the rest of the group caught up, her eyes pleading for an answer that would somehow make sense. "Did you say something that upset him?"

  Anna shook her head. "It's the fireworks – he was having some kind of flashback."

  "I don't understand …"

  "It's from the war," Charlene explained. "I don't know how much Anna's told you, but Caleb recently came back from his third tour of duty in Afghanistan."

  Anna's father turned to her. "I recall you telling me he had been in the war, but I didn't realize it affected him this way."

  "It's affected a lot of soldiers this way," Tina said in an uncharacteristic display of somber seriousness. "I was just reading about the record number of post-traumatic stress disorder cases from the Afghanistan and Iraq Wars – some of the soldiers are even committing suicide when they return because they're so tormented inside.

  "Look, I understand it's not his fault," Anna's father conceded, "but I don't know that he's safe to be around. I realize you don't think he would deliberately hurt you, Anna, but it's what he's capable of doing when he's having one of these flashbacks again."

  "I'll be okay – I'm not worried."

  Anna's mother gently touched her arm. "Maybe your father's right. Maybe you should be worried. I've read about this sort of thing, too, and these flashbacks can be triggered by just a sound or a smell, and they don't have any control over their actions when they're in that state."

  "Caleb needs to get help for this – it's that simple," Charlene said. "Chuck and I have been telling him that, and after what happened today, maybe he'll realize how serious this is. I've known Caleb for a long time and putting his hands on a woman – or showing any kind of disrespect – is just not who he is."

  "He's lucky to have family like you," Anna's father said. "And the sooner he gets help, the better. I don't know that being here is going to do him any good−"

  "He's not going anywhere," Anna interjected defiantly, feeling momentarily like a little girl rebelling against her father. "It was a once-a-year situation – I should have realized that fireworks would sound just like being on a battlefield."

  "How could you know?" Charlene offered sympathetically. "I think this is something that's new to all of us."

  Chuck emerged from the guesthouse, his face no less tense than when he had entered it earlier with Caleb.

  "How is he?" Anna asked eagerly.

  "He's resting. It's like this whole episode totally drained him and he's grasping at what happened. Anna, he's absolutely devastated about what he did. He said one moment he remembers walking to the grill and feeling happy and relaxed, and the next thing he knew, it was like he woke up in the midst of a firefight in Afghanistan. He said he never actually saw you – it was like looking through dense smoke and he lunged at what he thought was an enemy soldier."

  Anna's mother shook her head. "That poor boy."

  "I feel the same," Chuck said, "but believe me when I say that pity is the last thing Caleb wants. He's mortified that he shoved Anna and didn't even realize what he was doing, and he thinks everyone is looking at him like a monster now."

  Anna's father sighed. "I don't think any of us can put ourselves in his shoes and judge. I lost my best friend to the Vietnam War, and all I know is that if he had lived, he would have never been the same – that's how drastically he changed. "

  "He died in battle?" Chuck asked.

  "No, he overdosed on heroin within a month of his return. He was a broken man – and this at all of twenty-one-years old. Never touched a drug in his life before the war. When he came back – skin and bones and with a constant look of … I don't even know what I would call it, almost like terror and lifelessness combined – I knew he was heading down a road of no return. I tried to help him but it was like he had already given up. I asked him how he could poison himself day after day …" He paused, looking up at the sky with reddened eyes, a scene that brought tears to Anna herself who had never witnessed her father in such an emotionally raw state. "He said it was the only thing that quieted the demons. But he said they always came back, and always in greater numbers."

  "I can't let this happen to him," Anna said quietly.

  "Honey, this is bigger than any of us here," her mother said as she tried to comfort her with a gentle squeeze of the hand. "He needs professional help – the most any of us can do is to convince him of this. But he needs to be the one to take that step."

  Anna didn't disagree with her mother, and yet a part of her wondered … could her caring … her love … be enough to save him? Or was she being incredibly naïve and overly optimistic that anything she felt for Caleb could actually have an effect on him?

  "It's been a long day," Anna's mother said as dusk set in. "I'll help you clean up and then we should probably all be on our way so that you can get some rest."

  "I can take care of everything," Anna replied, though she almost regretted her words as she surveyed the tables of leftover food and plateware. Still, she didn't want to drag anyone else in on the chore.

  "Let's go," Tina said with mustered enthusiasm. "You know much I love to clean, so let me pitch in and we'll get this done in no time."

  Anna arched an eyebrow. "You love to clean? Didn't you just tell me you recently hired some college guy to clean your apartment once a week?"

  "I'm just doing my part for society by helping out a struggling student in need."

  "So that's why you told me that he doesn't know how to use a feather duster, but – quote unquote – his beefy arms look mighty good holding it."

  "Annnaaa," Tina wailed. "You're making me look bad in front of everyone."

  "Oh, they already know what you're like," Anna replied with a wink as easy laughter returned to the group.

  Twenty minutes later, she threw the final plastic cup into a garbage bag. "I think that's everything. Thanks everyone for staying to help clean up."

  "Here," Charlene said as she handed her a small piece of paper. "This is my cell number and Chuck's. Don't hesitate to call for any reason."

  Anna knew that "any reason" was more or less a code phrase for Caleb, but she was nonetheless grateful for the gesture.

  "Should we say goodbye to Caleb?" Charlene asked as she turned to Chuck.

  "I think we should just let him rest and I'll call him in the morning."

  "It's been quite a long day," Anna's father said ten minutes later after everyone else had filtered out, save for Anna'
s mother. "Are you sure you feel safe with this situation?"

  Anna knew she couldn't explain it – how she felt safer around Caleb than she ever had with any man, despite his earlier unpredictable actions. Maybe it was what she instinctively felt was at the core of his being – a truly good and caring person who had been willing to sacrifice himself for others … and who was now tormented by the one time he had been on the receiving end of an equally selfless act.

  "I'll be fine, Dad. Caleb is a good man. I know you're concerned because of what happened today, but you have to trust me on this."

  He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. "You know how you were always rescuing little critters when you were growing up? A stray cat – not to mention the mouse in its mouth – a turtle trying to cross the street?"

  Anna smiled wistfully. "I remember."

  Her father's face grew serious. "Just realize that trying to rescue people is a whole other ballgame. A stray cat might scratch you because it's scared, but a person will pull you down with them – or worse – because they don't always want to be helped. And all the good intentions in the world can't change that."

  Anna glanced at her mother, whose expression was a combination of Anna's caring compassion and her father's guarded concern. "I'm not as naïve as you think, Dad."

  "I never said you were naïve. I just know how you are when you care about something, and I want to be sure you're looking out for yourself."

  Anna wondered whether he in fact wanted to say "someone", but softened the blow with "something" instead. And while she appreciated her father's love and concern, she couldn't help but feel he just didn't fully understand the situation with Caleb.

  "I will," she nevertheless conceded. In her mind she knew he was right. But in her heart – that was a different story.

  Anna turned on her side for the umpteenth time to look at the clock on the nightstand by her bed. A minute past midnight … she sighed and closed her eyes, the rhythmic song of peep toads in the marsh behind her property uncharacteristically failing to lull her to sleep. She had expected Caleb to emerge from the guesthouse once everyone had departed, but he remained voluntarily sequestered and with each passing hour, her anxiety and concern only multiplied.

  What am I doing?

  She ignored her own question as she pulled a pair of jeans on over her underwear and slid a bra under her snug sleeveless tee-shirt.

  What am I doing?

  Again, the question emerged in her mind but quickly dissipated as she stepped out into the cooler but still breezeless air.

  The guesthouse door opened before she even had a chance to knock.

  "I heard you coming," Caleb said in response to Anna's bewildered expression.

  She looked down at her quiet cork wedge sandals, then back at the grassy pathway leading to the door. "How could you …" She paused, answering her own question in her head as she realized that developing heightened senses was necessary for surviving in a desert battle zone. "I couldn't sleep – I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

  "I've been lying awake for a while, too."

  Clad only in a pair of jeans, Caleb finished pulling a tee-shirt over his head – but not before Anna caught a glimpse of his smoothly muscular chest as it glistened in the moonlight. It was a desirable distraction that Anna tried hard to visibly sidestep.

  "Anna, I'm so sorry about what happened today."

  "It's okay – really. I know you didn't mean for that to happen."

  Time seemed to slow to a halt as his pale gray eyes met hers, a mutual gaze that threatened to melt her wedge heels into the ground.

  "Do you want to come in?" he asked quietly.

  Don't – this is not a good idea … "Sure."

  She followed him into the small but cozy living room, her eyes quickly scanning the interior. Everything looked exactly the way it did prior to his occupancy, save for a small framed picture that sat on top of the entertainment center. Unable to squelch her curiosity, Anna moved in for a closer look.

  "That's Haley," Caleb said as she lingered over the photo. He was in uniform and smiling, though his face looked weary, and his arm was firmly plastered around what appeared to be a black Labrador mix.

  "She's beautiful," Anna said as she turned to Caleb. Her stomach sank as she saw the ache of regret in his eyes.

  "She saved my life – actually, she saved many lives by alerting us to a suicide bomber who was approaching our quarters. She actually went after him and he turned to run the other way. The bomb still went off but it was just far enough from the barracks that no one was injured – except Haley."

  Anna caught her breath. "Did she …"

  "She survived," Caleb said, answering the question that Anna couldn't bear to ask. "But she was injured pretty badly from shrapnel. Everyone knew she saved our lives so there was no question about getting her medical treatment. I think the base doctors were afraid of a full-scale rebellion if they didn't perform surgery on her right then and there."

  Anna felt a sense of relief as she saw Caleb smile at the recollection of a happy ending for Haley. But she wondered if she assumed too much too soon as it vanished just as quickly.

  "Where is she now?"

  "She's still in Afghanistan. I wanted to bring her back with me but I was blocked at every turn. I was trying up to the time that I was sent home, but I ran out of time."

  Anna tried to stay optimistic despite feeling otherwise. "At least the other soldiers will take care of her, right?"

  "For now … but we're not going to be there forever – even though it sometimes feels that way. And then she'll be left behind."

  "Maybe by then they'll know enough to do the right thing and will let her come back to the states."

  "Maybe," Caleb conceded, though the flat tone of his voice indicated he believed otherwise.

  After a span of awkward silence, Anna suddenly blurted out the question that had been following her around since earlier that day. "Caleb, do you think you should talk to someone about what happened today?"

  "I did," he replied tersely, visibly defensive. "I talked to my brother."

  "I mean a professional – someone who has experience treating post-traumatic stress disorder."

  "It will go away on its own eventually. I just need time to adjust to being back."

  "I don't think it's just going to magically disappear."

  Caleb's face quickly grew as tense as his voice. "Look – soldiers have been fighting wars since the beginning of time."

  "Which doesn't say much for the human race."

  "It is what it is. This whole post-traumatic stress thing is just some new label that shrinks are slapping on the fact that war has always been hell. You see your friends die, you see children die, and then you wonder why they're gone and you're still alive."

  "So you never heard the term 'shell shock' that goes back to World War One? What do you think that was all about? They might not have fully understood back then how psychological trauma can affect the brain or how to treat it, but they recognized the symptoms."

  "So now you're an expert on warfare?"

  "No, I'm an expert at research and one of the things I learned was that there was a deliberate effort not to classify shell shock as a medical condition so that they could turn around and send these same soldiers back out to battle. Sound familiar?"

  "It's getting late," Caleb said as he abruptly stood up. "It was nice of you to come by to check up on things, but I'm really okay."

  Anna slowly rose from her chair, slightly dazed by Caleb's sudden coldness. Perhaps she had misjudged him all along, gave him credit that he didn't deserve for being a caring person whose guardedness was the result of both inner and outer wounds, when in fact he really didn't give a damn about anything at all.

  She walked silently to the door, surprised when his arm suddenly thrust in front of her as he grabbed onto the doorknob. She expected him to immediately swing the door open, but several moments passed with no further action on his part. His body
was so close to hers that she could feel the warmth emanating from his skin, sending a jolt of desire through her that she forcibly did her best to ignore.

  More time passed as their frozen stance remained. Moments? Minutes? Anna couldn't quite discern anymore. Finally, she turned her head around, meeting Caleb's gaze in silence before tracing the scar that by some miracle had missed his eye – but barely. And then, in a simultaneous blur, her short but spurned history with Caleb replayed in her mind – the abrupt end to a night by the fire pit, the aborted near-kiss after the cookout with Joel, and now the sudden "see you to the door" declaration. Did she really need it further spelled out? Shoving his hand aside, she opened the door and exited, never looking back as she quickened her pace to the house.

  Caleb slammed the door shut, anger coursing through his veins that prompted him to consider reopening the door and ripping it off its hinges. Taking a deep breath, he stared at the ceiling while waiting for his self-directed ire to dissipate. He had once again driven away the one person he longed to be close to in every way – not that his actions could have ever indicated this to her. He shook his head as frustration nearly strangled him short of breath. Just moments ago he had had the perfect opportunity to pull Anna away from the door and into his arms, passionately kissing her in the way that had been continually playing out in his mind. But once he gave in to his desire, he knew there would be no going back. And what if one thing led to another and they found themselves lying in each other's arms in his bed? He would want to protectively wrap his body around hers … but the irony was that the person she needed to be protected from most was him. He closed his eyes, wishing he could just as easily shut out memories of last night's nightmare that had culminated with him waking up in a cold sweat, the blanket and even sheets ripped off his bed in what he could only surmise must have been a violent thrashing on his part. And the most disturbing aspect to these intermittent nightmares was that he had no recollection of his actions upon waking – only relief knowing that he was alone and had therefore not put someone in harm's way. And the thought of endangering Anna … it was a horror that devoured him from the inside out. Time … he just needed time for the lingering war-borne demons to fade away from his psyche.