by Rose, Tamra
Anna smiled sadly. "Oh believe me … I've come close. And what doesn't make sense…" She paused, her eyes stinging as she struggled to hold back tears. "What doesn't make sense is that even though we hadn't known each other for that long, the way I felt about Caleb is the way I would want to feel about someone who was the father of my child."
"How do you know that this might not help him get better if he knew?"
Anna shot Tina a crossed glance, then softened as she reminded herself that her friend was only trying to help.
"It might give him something positive to focus on," Tina continued. "A celebration of life, instead of all the death that he was surrounded by."
"Tina, I haven't heard from Caleb in close to a month. Trust me when I say I'm the last thing on his mind. He's trying to get on with his life, and I can't say I blame him."
"Do you know where he's living?"
Anna shrugged, pretending to herself that the answer didn't cut into her heart. "I haven't a clue. Maybe with his brother, but I really can't be sure."
"Well, I know thing for certain. He hasn't forgotten about you, Anna, and who knows – one day when he's able to put the past behind him, you might just find him standing in your doorway."
"He's not going to put the past behind him. How could he? He refuses to acknowledge that there's even a problem. I know you're just trying to make me feel better, and I do appreciate it. But right now I think I need to stay in reality." Anna looked up at the ceiling in an effort to trick her eyes into holding back tears. As hard as she tried to stay strong in her acceptance of how things really were, inside she was seared with the dagger of a different realization: She did not mean anything to Caleb now … and perhaps she never had.
Caleb stared hard at his cell phone, his thumb hovering over the call send button. Slowly he lowered it until it made contact with the cold metal tab before quickly drawing back as though he had touched a hot iron. Anna's number was keyed in and ready to go, but once again, he aborted the call at the final second. It was almost a daily ritual now – each time convinced that he was finally ready to reach out to Anna, then concluding that he just couldn't take that step. As to why … even he couldn't pinpoint the overriding reason. It wasn't for a lack of caring on his part – of that, he was certain. Anna was always a part of his thoughts, and in quiet times alone when he wasn't expending energy to fight off unwelcome memories of Afghanistan or focusing on his new job, she was the thought that stood out front and center, a thought with tendrils that were linked to a rollercoaster of emotions. And maybe that's where the hesitation came – the notion of opening up a Pandora's Box of possibilities that were equal parts yearned for and feared. He knew how much Anna meant to him, but he also knew he was broken inside, despite outwardly insisting otherwise. And always, the same conclusion emerged: She deserved more, so much more, than he could give her.
Caleb stashed the phone back in his pocket, convinced that a well-intentioned yet grave mistake was once again averted at the last possible moment. As an image of Anna flashed in his mind, her piercing hazel eyes gazing into his as she lay in his arms, he shook his head almost violently as if he could physically toss the thought from his brain. He had to treat this as methodically as a flying mission, he reminded himself. It was in both of their best interests for him to move on, and any thoughts or emotions that didn't support this conclusion had to be cut off and buried for good.
ELEVEN
"Thanks again for coming with me," Anna said as Tina pulled out onto the road from the Women's Medical Center parking lot. "I was so nervous about everything that it helped to have a second set of ears just in case I forget what was said."
It was early November, and though the foliage had peaked two weeks earlier, there were still some bright red and orange swatches that livened up the otherwise barren landscape. As Anna gazed out the passenger window, she couldn't help but feel that the contrast mirrored her present situation: the exhilaration of carrying a tiny life inside of her … and the emptiness in knowing that the father, the man she loved, was no longer a part of her world.
"As I recall," Tina began, "your doctor said everything is looking A-Okay. And that the baby has a strong heartbeat."
Anna smiled as she touched her stomach. At twelve weeks along, she still wasn't showing signs of a baby bump yet, but the ultrasound had added a sense of realness to a very unexpected and life-altering situation.
Tina glanced sideways at Anna, then cast her eyes back on the road. "And there was some question as to whether the father would be involved with the pregnancy."
"Tina …."
"I know, I know – I shouldn't be going there but I just want to make sure you don't make a decision you regret."
"Well, it's kind of hard telling him about the baby when we haven't even been in touch with each other for two months at this point."
"I would think that for something like this, you would find way to reach him."
"Tina, he doesn't want to be reached – don't you get that? He doesn't care about me, so why would I want to drag him into this situation? Plus I honestly think that this would put him over the edge, and I can't do that to him. I just wish you would try to understand where I'm coming from. Nothing would make me happier than being with Caleb and having a family together. But it's just not in the cards. I'm not doing this because I'm trying to deny him the chance to be a part of his child's life. I'm doing this because I don't think he could handle this right now – I really don't."
Tina reached over and squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry … I'm only making things harder for you right now and that's not my intention. I just really thought that the two of you …"
"I know," Anna said quietly as Tina's voice trailed off.
"And you haven't heard from him at all?"
Anna shook her head. "It's like he just disappeared. I've thought about contacting his brother and sister-in-law just to make sure he's okay."
"Do you think they had concerns about him flying again?"
"I would think so, seeing that they both felt he needed counseling and he refused to get help."
"But do you think maybe this job will have the opposite effect?"
"What do you mean?"
"That flying a helicopter again – but not in a war zone this time – might help him put the past behind him? In other words, it would become a more positive experience for him again."
"I suppose it's possible … but I just don't see something like that happening overnight."
Tina sighed. "It's so sad, really. Do you think he's ever going to get better?"
Anna looked out the side window, her eyes glossy as she blinked back tears. "I don't know … I'd like to think that the old cliché of time healing all wounds will apply to him as well, but in my gut I feel otherwise."
Silence ensued as Tina merged onto the highway. It was as if nothing more could be said – at least nothing that would avoid provoking more pain.
"I can't remember ever feeling this tired in my whole life," Anna said weakly as she fought to keep her eyes open.
"The doctor did say that fatigue is common during the first trimester."
"See? I told you it's good to have a second set of ears."
Tina grinned. "We still have a twenty-minute drive so feel free to take a nap."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course – it will be no different than my date who fell asleep next to me at the movie theater a couple of weeks ago."
"Are you kidding? You didn't tell me about that."
"Let's just say you were going through a lot at the time and I didn't want to add to it by recounting yet another disastrous date."
Anna laughed. "It probably would have helped me take my mind off things."
"Especially the part about how he slumped against my shoulder and drooled on my sweater."
Anna buried her head in her heads. "Oh my god, that is horrible!"
Tina smirked. "But you got to admit – it is kind of funny."
"Well, I promise n
ot to drool on you," Anna said as she repositioned herself more comfortably and leaned back against the head rest. In less than a minute, the rhythmic drone of the car was lulling her to sleep.
"Asshole!"
Anna popped a groggy eye open. "Who? Me?"
"No – this jerk who's cutting people off left and right."
Anna did her best to straighten up in her seat, but her half-napping limbs felt about as solid as jelly.
"Shouldn't we be getting off the highway soon?"
"Two more exits."
"Good," she murmured as her eyelids once again grew heavy.
The screech of tires, and then a blood-curdling scream. Jolted awake, Anna instinctively braced for impact as the view outside the windshield turned into a blur of colors accompanied by the equally horrific sound of shattering glass and crunching metal. As the air bag deployed and shoved her back against the seat, she instinctively burrowed her hand beneath it and clutched her stomach. A final bounce, and then all was still.
"Oh my god!" Tina screamed hysterically. "We rolled over!" Frantically she freed herself from the seatbelt and tried to jostle the section of roof that had been pushed in from the impact, creating a virtual metal wedge between the two seats.
"Anna! Can you hear me? Are you okay?"
"What happened?" Anna asked as shock numbed her senses and blurred her memory.
"The guy that was driving like an idiot – he cut the car off in front of us and I tried to swerve when they braked but it all happened too fast. I don't even know how many cars got knocked off the road, but it was like a chain reaction."
Anna's heart quickened as she assessed her surroundings and soon realized that she was trapped. "I can't get out of here," she said with growing panic in her voice. "The car door is up against the barrier, and I don't think I can crawl under this metal between us."
"I see people standing outside with their cell phones, so I'm sure help is on the way. Just … just try to stay calm, Anna."
"What about you? Are you injured?"
"I banged my arm pretty badly and I smacked my head on something – I don't even know what. But I'm okay."
Anna closed her eyes, momentarily wondering if it was all a bad dream. Approaching sirens told her otherwise, and she forced herself to concentrate on the fact that they were both miraculously still alive. But as a sudden sharp pain gripped her lower abdomen, she knew that something could still go horribly wrong.
"Tell them to hurry!" she yelled to no one in particular as pain began to envelope her entire body. "Please …"
Caleb circled the crash site as he assessed the most optimal landing spot, settling on an area about 100 feet from the four mangled cars on the now blocked-off highway. Though he had been briefed on the severity of the accident prior to takeoff, he still whistled low as he viewed the resulting carnage from above. With the precision flying skills that were second nature to him, he set the helicopter down and radioed in to confirm the landing, pausing mid-sentence as his eye caught a swatch of bright orange hair. Stretching his neck to get a closer look, he froze when he recognized Tina's face. She was crying and cradling one arm with the other, then pointing with her elbow back to her crumpled car as the emergency personnel approached.
It can't be … Caleb reassured himself as dread flowed heavily through his veins like liquid lead. There was someone trapped in the car, but it couldn't be Anna. She was too tied up with her job to take the afternoon off for a shopping spree with Tina, he reasoned. Still, he threw open the helicopter door and bounded out, both his heart and pace quickening as he approached Tina. Her dazed look was all too familiar to him – it was the wide-eyed yet blank stare of someone who had just been part of a traumatic scene that had yet to be processed as "real".
"Anna is trapped in the car," she cried, her left eye wincing from the bruise that was forming just above her eyelid.
"It's okay – we'll get her out," Caleb replied with the authoritative, even-keeled composure of his battlefield persona.
And then, two words that shattered the illusion of calmness. "She's pregnant!"
Caleb couldn't be sure if the announcement came from police or medical personnel on the scene, but either way, the repercussions were the same. He turned to Tina, questioning with his eyes.
"We were coming back from the doctor's office," she said, pausing as if debating whether to utter her next words. "It's your baby, Caleb."
Caleb felt as though the entire contents of his blood had just whooshed to his feet, yet he remained standing ramrod still. Tina spoke again, but her voice sounded oddly warped and increasingly far away, until he could see her lips still moving but heard only a buzzing in his head. Moments lost in darkness, and then he returned, realizing he hadn't moved from his spot.
"We've got her!" a male voice yelled as Anna was lifted onto a stretcher that raced towards the helicopter.
"Wait!" Caleb shouted as the flight nurse and paramedic carrying the stretcher were about to zoom past him. They viewed him through perplexed eyes as he grabbed hold of one side of the stretcher and pulled it to a halt. He was both surprised and relieved to see no obvious sign of major injuries, although he knew all too well that internal wounds could be lurking out of view.
"Anna," he said hurriedly as he clasped her limp hand.
"Do you know her?" the nurse asked. Caleb ignored the question and instead called out her name again.
With determination that far outweighed her small stature, the nurse pulled at the stretcher. "She's bleeding – we need to get her on board now!"
His chest tightening, Caleb's eyes quickly scanned her body, freezing on a growing patch of blood that was seeping through the upper inner portion of her white capri pants.
He was going to lose her … how could this be happening ….
Blurriness turned to utter blackness, and breathing to a chokehold. Slowly the blackness faded, replaced by eerie plumes of smoke that twisted through the suffocating air. Caleb clutched a body in his arms, shielding it with his own.
"Dwayne, stay with me – you have to hang on!"
Blood trickled from the corner of the young soldier's mouth. He peered up at Caleb, the fear in his eyes relaxing into acceptance. "I'm sorry," he sputtered weakly.
Caleb leaned over closer as the chaos of competing gunfire unfolded around him. "No – you are not going to die! You have a baby on the way – you have to hang in there!"
"Tell my wife …" Dwayne choked as more blood spilled forth.
"Don't try to talk. Let's just get you back on board–"
"Tell her I love her … and … I'm so sorry to leave her. Tell her I'll be with her again one day."
As the last word left his mouth, Dwayne's head rolled to the side, his vacant eyes confirming what Caleb dreaded to be true. Squeezing his own eyes shut, he drew the acrid air into his lungs, coughing as it burned his throat. Slowly he opened his eyes, his heart surging at the sight of silky chestnut hair splayed across his arms. Anna peered up at him, her peaches and cream skin now gray with approaching death.
"No," Caleb whispered. "It can't be …" He turned behind to ascertain that he was still on the Afghanistan battlefield. The Super Stallion that he had been just about to board before a bullet hit his helmet stood inches behind him, a cold, metallic reminder of a sacrifice made on his behalf. He turned back to Anna's limp body in his arms, her glossy eyes half closed as he leaned down and kissed her icy lips. As her faint breath mixed with his own, he waited to connect with it once more … but it never came. He screamed inside of himself, wrapping his arms as tightly as he could around her lifeless body, wishing that if he couldn't die in her place, then at least he would die with her.
But he was being pulled away … drawn into a tunnel that lifted off the battlefield, a black and silent vacuum that sucked him in whole. When his vision and hearing returned, it was with a thud, as though he had departed his body for an unknown amount of time and had suddenly slammed back inside.
A contorted face was mere inche
s from his, the volume jacked up full pitch. "What the hell is wrong with you?" the paramedic angrily shouted. "We have three injured people on board who need to get to the hospital now! Get in this damn helicopter and let's get moving!"
Confusion set in as Caleb tried to remember two other accident victims being loaded onto the helicopter. Did it happen while he was having a flashback? His inability to grasp at an answer set him drifting back into a place devoid of sight or sound. As he tried to fight the approaching darkness, he caught a glimpse of Tina worriedly looking in his direction as she pulled a police officer aside with her good arm. And then everything once again went black.
"Caleb … Caleb, listen to me!"
He gasped as air returned to his lungs, squinting as a shock of bright orange hair greeted his returning vision. As Tina's bruised face came into view, he looked at the empty spot where Anna's cot had been moments ago. Or was it minutes ago? He really couldn't be sure.
"You were having some kind of flashback again," Tina said, although inwardly Caleb begged to differ. But telling her that he felt he might have actually left his body didn't seem like an explanation that would go over much better.
"Caleb, I know how hard this is, but you need to get a grip on things. Please … just … I don't know … you have to stay in the present. Anna and your baby need your help. You need to fly them to the hospital now – can you do that?"
A sea of faces, simultaneously somber and anxious, spilled around him as police and medical personnel waited for him to return to pilot mode. He felt the pull of gravity on his body, as though the door to wherever he had drifted had now slammed shut, the present becoming more and more real until he was fully immersed in it.
"Let's go!" he shouted as he climbed into the helicopter and started the engine. As the rotors picked up speed, he turned back to check on Anna, who lay motionless on the cart while the nurse checked her vital signs. As he pulled up on the collective stick and the ground began to slip away, he could only be certain of two things. He still loved Anna with all his heart. And he hated himself more than ever for having let her go.