by Rose, Tamra
His mind already swirling with a surge of emotions, Caleb wondered what could possibly be next.
Susan returned less than a minute later with a letter in her hand. "I didn't receive this from Dwayne until shortly after he died, but I think you need to hear what he wrote.
Caleb nodded solemnly, his mind two steps ahead of himself as he tried to imagine what in the letter could possibly pertain to him. Susan resumed her spot on the couch and took a deep breath before reading its contents:
Hey Babe, I miss you so much already, but I'm sure you already know that. Things are happening so fast since I got here. I went on my first rescue mission today, and I wouldn't admit this to any of the guys, but the truth is I was pretty damn scared at first that I might get my ass shot off. I know I trained for this sort of thing, but it's a whole different ballgame when you're actually landing on a battlefield in the middle of gunfire and explosions everywhere. I'm still a newbie here so I just followed everyone's lead, and pretty soon I wasn't even thinking about myself – just about getting the wounded on board and making sure the rest of the crew was safe. Our leader Captain Brown is a hell of a guy, and he really looks out for us. I swear a live grenade could be dropped at his feet, and his first response would be to calmly look around and make sure everyone else was okay and at a safe distance, then he'd grab it and hurl the hell out of that thing like there was no tomorrow. I heard some of the guys say that he was injured pretty badly once while running directly into enemy fire to rescue a wounded soldier and crew member off of the field, and I don't doubt it one bit. I know I have a ways to go and a lot to learn, but if I could be one-tenth of the soldier that Captain Brown is, I'd feel like I accomplished something pretty damn good in life. Well, gotta go but I'll be in touch again soon. Rub your belly for me and tell our baby I said "hi" with lots of love. Love Forever, Dwayne."
Susan looked up from the letter, her red-tinged eyes matching Caleb's.
"Caleb, I know it wasn't easy to come here and tell me about Dwayne's death, but I don't think you realize what it means to me to finally know the whole story. There are countless ways that Dwayne could have died in the war. He could have been killed by a roadside bomb, by a helicopter shot down – for that matter he could have been killed in a crash on the plane ride over before he even landed in Afghanistan. But he died saving a life – your life. And I know … I know … he had no regrets at that moment when he gave his life so that you could live – just like you would have done for him."
Caleb shook his head, his voice choked. "I'm so sorry …"
"Listen to me," Susan said with a forcefulness beyond her years. "Are you going to beat yourself up and miss out on so much that still lies ahead of you because you can't forgive yourself for a situation you had no control over? Or are you going to take this gift of a second chance and live your life to the fullest? Because that's what will honor Dwayne's memory, and that's what will give meaning to the sacrifice that he made."
As Susan's words reverberated deep inside him, Caleb felt the entire weight of his being suddenly lighten. It was as though the guilt and regret that he had been carrying around with him could be measured in physical pounds, and the connecting cord had suddenly been cut. But there was one more revelation that needed to be shared − perhaps the most important one for Susan to hear.
"Dwayne asked me to tell you something," he said quietly.
Susan's eyes widened. "He did? When?"
Caleb took a deep breath, not wanting to delve up more pain after all that Susan had been through, but knowing she needed to hear this. "After he had been hit … I was holding him and telling him to try to hang on. He … I know how this must sound, but at that moment, he looked me in the eyes and I saw a sense of peace come over him. Then he told me to tell you that he loved you, and that he was so sorry to leave you, but he would be with you again one day."
As tears began to stream down her cheeks, Susan asked, "How long was he alive for after he said that?"
Caleb closed his eyes, reliving the moment but this time as a memory and not a flashback. "As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he was gone."
"I never knew that he was thinking of me at the very end," she said, tears flowing faster than she could wipe them with her sleeve. "It gives me a sense of peace, too, knowing that the love we shared was with him when he took his last breath."
"It truly was."
"It just makes me realize how we should never take anything for granted. Ever. Because you never know when it could be taken away. I know some people might think I go overboard, but ever since Dwayne died, I feel like I'm always telling the special people in my life how much I love them. Maybe it's because I wasn't there to say it to Dwayne in his last moments, and I want to make sure that nothing important goes unsaid."
"I think that's something we could all do more of," Caleb replied quietly. And as his thoughts turned to Anna, to all that he felt and had yet to voice … he couldn't help but realize just how true this was.
Caleb glanced over at Haley's empty car seat as he drove back to the hotel. Though he knew she was being well cared for at her brother's home while he was away, he still missed her calming presence and couldn't help but wonder why he had opted for an eight-hour drive instead of a ninety-minute plane ride to Pennsylvania. He had made the decision in part to allow himself time to think during long, quiet hours at the wheel. Yes … he who had tried so hard to not think since the war was now welcoming the flow of thoughts – perhaps because they were no longer limited to the same troubled images that replayed in an endless loop.
He did feel a certain degree of closure after meeting with Susan, but at the same time, Dwayne's death, the sacrifice made on his behalf, would forever be a part of him. And there was a growing pang that gnawed at his stomach, a little voice in his ear that continued to nudge at him, asking if perhaps there was something more that he was meant to do. Unease returned as he thought about Anna, and how this trip was supposed to be the final step to closing the door on the past … and pursuing a future with Anna. He sighed, wondering if she would even still want to be with him at this point, and he certainly couldn't blame her if she didn't. He had basically abandoned her when she needed him most, leaving her to deal with the aftermath of a miscarriage all alone. Yes, he was in no state to be there for anyone immediately after his breakdown, but what about in the months since when he had started to make progress in peeling away the layers of painful memories? He missed her and yearned for her with every fiber of his being, and yet now that he had confronted his deepest regret from the war − the one thing that he had felt stood in the way of being with Anna – he was just as confused as ever. Would seeing her again bring him back to the dark place that he was in when he was with her before – the place he had been so desperate to escape? Or was he capable of separating the two – the love he felt for Anna, and the blackness that had been eating him up alive when he was with her, not because of anything she did, but because it had been part of every moment of every day. He sighed, wondering if a "side effect" of endless therapy sessions was that he was now was overthinking things instead of listening to his gut. It had served him well in the past, but now it was strangely silent.
He only knew that he loved Anna … but maybe it still wasn't enough.
SIXTEEN
Anna pulled up her Internet homepage to log into her e-mail, her eyes first scanning news headlines for anything of interest. It was the usual roundup of international conflicts and U.S. economic challenges, but her eyes did a double-take as she moved on to the local headlines.
Area resident heads to Washington, D.C., to lobby on behalf of war dogs
It couldn't be, she reasoned … yes, Caleb had apparently come a long way and was locally promoting the cause of dogs left behind in the war, but this article couldn't possibly be about him. Fingers trembling, she clicked on the link:
Caleb Brown, a former Marine captain now residing in Medfield, Mass., will be joining Sen. Michael Flannigan (R-Mass.) later this
month on a trip to the nation's capital to spread awareness about the plight of stray dogs in Afghanistan and Iraq who bond with the soldiers – and in some cases save their lives. Flannigan, a member of the Committee on Veterans' Affairs, reached out to Brown after witnessing a televised interview in which Brown explained how a stray dog in Afghanistan befriended his unit and ultimately saved their lives when she alerted them to a suicide bomber just outside their barracks. Initially unsuccessful in his attempts to bring the dog home with him, Brown was eventually reunited with the black Lab mix he calls Haley, and now he's making it his mission to educate lawmakers on how these dogs can be immensely beneficial to returning soldiers who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD) in the hopes that more will be done to bring these dogs back to the states. A former Marine Corps. helicopter pilot who served three tours of duty in Afghanistan, Brown is now a helicopter pilot for a medical transport company based out of Boston.
"Many people don't realize the important role that dogs have played in the Afghanistan and Iraq Wars," Brown said during an interview yesterday. "They serve beside us as part of our own military forces and are trained to sniff out IEDs [improvised explosive devices]. This makes them a prime target of the enemy, and many of these dogs have been killed in the line of duty as a result. The strays that befriend the soldiers and also look out for them are ultimately left behind when units return back home, and that's what I'm trying to change."
Rep. Ellen Lawton (D-Mass.), who was instrumental in helping to bring Haley back from Afghanistan so that she could be reunited with Brown, will be joining Brown and Flannigan for the hearings before a joint session of the Committees on Veterans' Affairs.
"I was fortunate enough to have someone close to this situation educate me on the importance of bringing these dogs back, and the role they play in helping returning soldiers heal – both physically and mentally," Lawton said earlier this week.
The hearings are scheduled to begin on March 26th, and with record numbers of veterans from the Afghanistan and Iraq Wars suffering from PTSD, they are expected to be followed closely by the media.
Anna looked away from her computer screen, a jolt to her stomach as though kicked by an unseen assailant. Unseen, but not unknown. For hadn't she been rolling with the punches from the get-go with Caleb? It wasn't really his fault – this she could concede despite all the hurt he had caused her. He had been dodging his own set of unrelenting punches since returning from the war, and that was enough to make anyone unclear about what they really wanted – and who. But enough was enough. Everything connected to this situation was like a dagger in her side. She could understand Caleb needing to pretend that she never existed, but Representative Lawton? The congresswoman, too, was now relegating her to merely "someone"? Anna shook her head in a mixture of hurt and disbelief. Her father's words came back to haunt her … his warning of how trying to help someone could sometimes mean being pulled down along with them. But that clearly didn't apply in this case. Caleb hadn't stayed down – he was in a much better place and for this she was grateful. And yet she couldn't stem the feeling that she had been violently shoved out of the picture, her efforts to help him – her love – entirely inconsequential.
Anna closed her eyes, her hand dropping to her stomach as nausea took hold. It had been four months since that earth-shattering day in the hospital, and only now could she comprehend that maybe things did happen for a reason, even when it was difficult to fathom in the moment. Because the notion of now having a child with someone who couldn't be bothered to even acknowledge her existence … Anna halted her thoughts, refusing to let them slide into even more painful and darker territory. A chapter in her life was over, and all she could do was move on. She had been there for Caleb when he needed her, a crutch to hold him up until he had the strength to plow forward on his own … and the aftermath now spoke for itself.
SEVENTEEN
Anna tapped a rake against the ground, trying unsuccessfully to dislodge wet and crumbled leaves that were stuck in its teeth.
"This is all your fault," she announced sternly as she turned around to view the large oak tree that took up residence just behind her bedroom window. But she quickly apologized as she recalled all of the pleasantly shady moments it had provided over the summer – not to mention that she truly believed its stately presence was a source of much-needed good energy in the world.
She shook her head and laughed at herself as she resumed raking, wondering if she was on the verge of becoming a certifiable "tree hugger". It felt good to be outdoors, with the warm sun melting away the slight chill of mid-March. Though it was a bit early in the season to be tackling spring cleanup, the hint of milder days ahead was enticing enough to draw her outside on this lazy Saturday morning. Yard work – tiring as it could be – was still the perfect antidote for too many hours sitting cramped in front of an eye-blurring computer screen, and between flowers and weeds and now leaves, there never seemed to be a shortage of projects.
Three large leaf piles later, Anna plopped down in a lawn chair for a much-needed break. The chatter of birds at the backyard feeders was a comfortingly familiar sound, but it was soon drowned out by a helicopter flying overhead. Anna's relaxed face immediately tensed, and she shielded her eyes with her hands in order to get a better view. Unable to discern anything specific about the helicopter, her thoughts travelled back to when she was a child, and how the mere sound of a helicopter when she was playing outside would send her cowering and screaming back into the house. Over the years, she never really thought much about this intensely fearful reaction that seemed to come out of nowhere, but the irony was not lost on her now. She was glad when the helicopter faded into the horizon and silence returned – the last thing she needed was a reminder of a man she had fallen in love with who was no longer a part of her life. Yesterday's news article had made that perfectly clear, and the hurt was still too raw.
After several more minutes of rest, she heaved herself up from the chair and headed over to a section of the yard still buried under a carpet of leaves. Since the repetitive motion of raking kept her focused on the task at hand, she didn't immediately notice as a pile of leaves to her side swooshed up in the air like a greenish brown volcano.
Catching the commotion out of the corner of her eye a few moments later, she swung around. "Haley, I just raked that pile…" Mouth agape, Anna dropped the rake to the ground. "Haley?!"
The black Lab mix playfully pounced on top of the pile once again before bounding over to Anna. Too numb to react, she simply braced herself and stared in disbelief as Haley jumped up and rested her paws against her hips. A familiar large red bow adorned her neck, and as she nudged at Anna's hand with her nose, reality began to slowly take hold. Her heart began to quicken as she realized that where there was Haley, there also must be … . Anna's eyes frantically darted around the yard, until strong hands reached out from behind and covered them. She gasped, her knees wobbly as she felt a lingering breath against the back her neck. As the tickle of a breath turned into the warmth of a kiss, Anna reached up, tracing the hands still clasped over her eyes until she now grasped sturdy forearms. The hands dropped from her eyes and grabbed her shoulders, swinging her around. Before she could even get a word in edgewise, Caleb pulled her close and drew her into a passionate kiss.
"What are you doing here?" she asked breathlessly when the kiss ended minutes later, slightly woozy from shock combined with the familiar pleasure of his lips.
"Wow – it's nice to see you, too," Caleb said, looking every bit as ruggedly enticing as before, but also more relaxed.
Anna glanced down at the ground, then back up as she looked into Caleb's eyes. "I wasn't expecting to see you again at this point. Well, maybe on TV, but not in person."
"Anna …" Caleb paused, shaking his head. "There's so much I need to say that I don't even know where to begin. But I figure we'll have plenty of time to talk when we go to Washington in a couple of weeks."
When the implications of h
is words finally hit her, Anna's eyes turned into saucers.
"What?! When we go to Washington?"
"I know I'm springing this on you all at once, but everything has been happening so fast. There were certain things that I needed to do before I felt I could come back into your life, and just as I was about to do that, Senator Flannigan−"
"I know," Anna interjected. "I read about your upcoming trip." She paused, troubled puzzlement etched on her face. "None of this is making any sense. Why didn't you ask me before you did the interview?"
"I didn't have a chance. Senator Flannigan had only contacted me that morning about his plans. I first spoke to him a couple of weeks before. He saw my interview on TV and said he agreed that more needed to be done to reunite the dogs and returning soldiers, and that he would look into things and get back to me. I guess he wasn't just talking a good game. By the time he called again, he had arranged for the hearings before both the Senate and Congress, plus he had brought Representative Lawton on board."
Anna's unease returned with the mention of the congresswoman's name. "Does she know you were planning to ask me to go as well?"
Caleb grinned. "Are you kidding? That was her idea from the get-go, and she wanted to call you herself to ask you to be part of these hearings. I had to explain to her how I needed to reach out to you first since we hadn't been in contact – and why. I'll tell you one thing – she'd make a good four-star general. Pretty much read me the riot act and told me you were the whole reason why she started to take an interest in the situation with the dogs, and that if it wasn't for you, Haley wouldn't be here with me now." Caleb's smile faded as his face grew serious. "And she's right. I owe so much to you, Anna. I can't even begin to tell you."