by S. Morayla
“Yes and no. Yes, because they are family, and no, because it hurts. I would rather not see them until I can process the damage fully and not associate them with her, but how do I do that?” I sniffle, lifting my eyes to meet his.
“It’s going to take time. Cognitively, you understand they had no part in hurting you, but subconsciously, they bring that pain to the forefront. I think writing your grandparents a letter would be beneficial for you. Explain why you can't see them. You don’t have to send the letter, you can even write it in a journal, but by writing out your emotions, you may just find the underlying reason, which can help further explore your emotions.”
“I only have my songwriting journal, but I could buy a new one,” I tell him, my eyes once again fixated on the world outside the office.
“Songwriting can also be helpful,” he tells me, but I shake my head.
“I think I’ll just buy a new journal,” I mutter, wanting to get off the music subject.
“Have you made a new goal for this week?”
“Yes. I have decided to buy a journal and write my grandparents a letter I will never send them to help explore my emotions better.” I turn my head back to him, the side of my mouth lifting up.
“I like that goal. I think whomever gave you that advice is pretty smart.” His mouth is holding back a smile. “Do you feel like these sessions have helped?” His green eyes shine, assessing my own.
I think back to the last few sessions, remembering what I learned and how I’ve applied them to my everyday life. I nod my head, still maintaining eye contact. “Yes, I think they have helped.”
“Are there other areas you would like to delve into further?” I bite my bottom lip while I think about where I can gain the most from therapy.
“I’d like to stay where we are now with my grandparents. Maybe see what I get from the letter and move forward from there?” My voice is small, even to my own ears.
He grins, nodding. “I like this. In the past few weeks, I feel I’ve gained more insight into who you are. I also feel the sessions can be further spaced apart.” I can’t smile wide enough. “Meet your goal for this week and then think of another goal for the following week and we will talk about them in two weeks.”
Leaving the doctor’s, I head back to the bus stop. My uncle wants to buy me a car to get around, but I don’t think it’s necessary. I stay on campus most of the time and if I need to go to the grocery store, the bus can get me there.
Once on campus, I stop and buy a rice bowl before heading back to study. I pop my earphones back in and select one of my “safe” playlists before resuming my walk to the dorms. My mind is tired, I’m emotionally drained, and I just want to escape into my current read. I look over at a couple who are hugging. I can’t hear them, but they look cute. They remind me of Leif and Adriana. I stop before the gardens, admiring the flowers.
A tap on my shoulder makes me jump.
The air becomes thick.
Electricity surrounds me, my throat goes dry.
My hands begin to sweat, feeling slick.
My hand goes to my chest, the thumping of my heart pounding against my palm. As I turn, I take out my headphones and look up into beautiful, warm cocoa eyes.
“Oh, hey, you scared me,”
His eyes narrow before smiling. “Sorry, I called your name, but...” He motions to my earphones.
Engaging eyes.
Velvety voice.
Sexy smirk.
Zayne.
“Yeah, I…uh, like to listen to music and get lost.” I twirl my headphone cord between my fingers. He cocks his head to the side and bites his lip as his eyes roam my face.
Suddenly, it’s really hot. I clear my throat and look away from his gaze, trying not to smile.
“What are you listening to, Shorty?” His soft, accented voice encases me.
“Um, a playlist I made.” I can’t even look at him. He makes me forget how to speak. I continue to twirl my headphones in between my thumb and forefinger. He puts a hand on mine to keep me from fidgeting. I look up at him, gasping.
The bastard smiles at me. “That’s better. I like it when you look at me. What song are you listening to?”
I pull my hands away. “Pierce the Veil. Besitos.” I blink at him, slowly coming out of the haze.
“Whoa, that’s hardcore. I didn’t peg you for a rock chick.” I feel so shy around him and I can’t understand why.
“Well, you don’t really know me, and looks can be deceiving. Plus, I have a huge crush on Mike Fuentes. He’s hot and knows how to bang chicks.” Raising his eyebrows at me, he begins laughing. A soft groan emanates from my lips as I realize my mistake in words. “I meant sticks. Sticks, not chicks. Oh, damn it.” His laughter grows. It’s adorable and contagious, I can’t help but to joining in. He licks his lips, still smiling at me.
“I like the way you think, Shorty.” His eyes scan my heated face. I should probably just walk away now and die of mortification.
“I didn’t mean that, it just came out wrong,” I say, trying my damnedest to sound strong.
“Uh-huh, I think that crush you have on him has you barmy.”
“Barmy?” I question, raising my brows. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Sorry, I forget sometimes my slang is different than yours. Barmy means crazy.” His accent is so alluring. I wonder if women throw themselves at him or ask him questions just to hear him speak. I shake my head, trying to rid my thoughts.
“Zayne,” an accented, husky voice calls out. My eyes look past Zayne to Harrison, who is walking over to us, his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows, tattoos peeking out from beneath. The bruises and cuts along his face have a yellow tint to them.
“Lennon called, wants us to meet up with him and Amaris. I guess she needs our help moving furniture into the apartment.”
“Damn, I wanted to get some food,” Zayne exclaims.
“We can get some on the way. You know Lennon has weak arms and needs us, or else that furniture will never get moved.”
“True.” Zayne and Harrison chuckle at their joke.
“Have you heard from Leslie? Is she okay?” Harrison asks me. I haven’t heard from Leslie since Friday night. Adriana texted me Sunday night, explaining her parents were forbidding her from coming back to the dorms until they feel she will be safe. I guess her parents never wanted her to be in a dorm. They thought she was going to pledge to a sorority like her mother. Leslie’s life is complicated and fucked up. She’s told me bits and pieces, but I can’t quite figure out the whole situation.
“No, sorry.” I shake my head, unable to give him any further details. He frowns, nodding, and the sorrow in his eyes tells me all I need to know. Adriana’s words from last Friday replay in my mind.
“Harrison and Leslie had a great relationship. We all thought they would get married, but life happens and they broke up. The how and why tore everyone up. The circumstances of those questions, I mean.”
I wanted to ask what questions exactly, but I didn’t want to be nosey. Besides, if Leslie wants to tell me, she will, but seeing Harrison’s sadness, I wonder what could have caused them to break up. I mean, it’s obvious they still love one another.
“Thank you for helping us out on Friday. We appreciate it,” Harrison says.
“Yeah, sure, no problem.” I look down, averting his eyes.
“Shorty, do you want to hang out tomorrow tonight?” Zayne cuts in.
“Uh…well, I-I don’t—”
“Oh, c’mon. Zayne is a great bloke. Plus, he’s had this weird smile on his face since meeting you,” Harrison says as he pinches Zayne’s cheek. I laugh when Zayne swats Harrison’s hand away.
“I mean, unless you have a boyfriend,” Harrison says. Putting his hand to the side of his face, shielding his lips from Zayne, he whispers, “He really wanted to know that.” Harrison grins at Zayne. “Right, Zayne?”
“Harrison go away, you crazy kid,” Zayne scolds, but laughs. Harrison puts his
hands up in defeat. “Whatever you say, boss,” he says, slowly backing away. I smile and wave my goodbye to him.
“As I was saying, you said earlier I don’t really know you, and I want to change that.” I stare at his lips, watching them move, but the words barely register.
It’s not that I am unwilling to get to know him, but I’m not sure I can give him more than my friendship. After Rhys, I’m not sure my heart will ever heal. I’ve let it die and fester.
I’m broken and ruined.
Too far out in the deep end.
“I don’t think that is a good idea.” My fingers twist the earphone cord round and round.
“May I ask why?” His eyes are intense, searching my face as though the answer will suddenly scroll across my forehead. “Do you have a boyfriend?” he asks. Such a simple question, but how can I possibly answer that without him wanting to know more?
“Look, Zayne, I am going to be completely honest with you. I am not one of these girls who came to college to let loose and date. My purpose is to get my degree so I can go back to Colorado to be there with my dad, or wherever else he decides to live. Friends and boyfriends just aren’t high on my priority list. I’m better off being alone and getting through my studies. I’m sorry, I know I sound like a bitch, but…” I shut up before my mouth can let out, “it’s better for everyone if I stay away.” My eyes scan the ground, wishing this whole conversation was over so I could just go back to my dorm.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Shorty. I know it’s hard leaving behind everything and everyone you love. I thought since you like music, you would like to come to The Corral tomorrow night. The lads and I play a set there every Friday. I wanted to properly welcome you to California.”
Bitch.
Wretched bitch.
I feel like a wretched bitch.
He is trying to be friendly and here I am acting like he has the plague. “You sing or play?” I ask, finally lifting my eyes up to his face.
“See, I would answer that question if you let me welcome you to California. Since you want none of that, I guess you will never know.” He smiles his sexy, lazy smile.
Damn him.
Taking in a big breath, I nod my head. “Alright, maybe I will go. That’s not a yes, but I’ll think about it.”
“Great, then I will or won’t see you tomorrow at The Corral at eight.” His smile gets bigger and he winks at me before turning and walking away.
As I walk back to my dorm, I think about Zayne and how he affects me. When Rhys and I got together, I got butterflies, but with Zayne, it is uncanny. The pull I feel toward him and the way he’s able to steal my breath and render my brain stupid is unnerving. This has never happened before, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I know I can’t get involved, but I can be his friend, right? I mean, as long as I guard myself, I should be able to handle being his friend.
Take Care
I’m still knackered from all the moving yesterday, but knowing we will be performing tonight makes my weariness manageable. There is a buzzing in my body. I don’t know how to explain the energy reverberating within me.
I live for days like this. Being with my mates and performing is who I am. I get homesick, but the lads have helped with that since we all came together. We are closer than brothers, always there for one another.
Sitting with Leif, we joke about a song Nick made up while he was drunk one night about being fat and old. Lennon and his girlfriend, Amaris, laugh as we recount the story. Harrison is the one I worry about most. Although he smiles, his eyes still hold a sadness that runs deep. And every encounter he has with Les seems to break him down more. I love that girl, but when my brother hurts, so do I.
Leif is the same with Adriana. She is one chick who honestly makes me smile. Her feisty Latina side comes out and she will fight for each and every one of us. I’m glad Leif has her.
Nick has been seeing a girl, but he’s not sure where they are headed. She’s a pretty cool chick, but she works a lot. Out of all of us, Nick is the one who will speak to anyone, anytime. Just don’t get him on the conversation of beer. Him being Irish makes him think he knows it all. He will tell you American beer is weak, then he’ll recommend the best pints to drink.
My thoughts drift to the girl who has taken up residence since the night I met her. I would really like to get to know Shorty better. I don’t know what it is about her. When I saw her that first night under the light, it's like my world went upside down. When she smiled…fuck, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her beautiful face. The fact that my dick wanted to stand at attention was another indicator that she has something special. Not since I was a young lad has my dick acted on looks or tits.
Seeing her yesterday in that dress…she looked stunning. Her height makes her that much more adorable. She looks like she would fit in my pocket. Her voice is angelic and her smile lit up my sphere.
I asked her to come tonight and even though she was vague about the boyfriend thing, I just want to be near her. Much like Harrison, there is a sorrow that peeks through. I saw it in her eyes yesterday and it has me wanting to help her navigate through the dark patches. Leaning back against the booth and laughing, the room suddenly changes. I look up to see Adriana walking our way with Natalee in tow. Chris steps in front of Adriana and Leif stiffens beside me. “What the hell is he doing?” he says under his breath. I stand to let Leif out. The whole booth becomes silent as we watch.
Chris is a bloody wanker. He likes to instigate fights between Harrison and Chance. Finally, he lets the girls pass, but stops Natalee. My gaze locks with Shorty’s when she looks toward the booth. I slide my eyes past her to Chris, giving him a silent warning.
“Why is she talking to him? Does she know him?” I ask Ana, who shrugs.
“Beats me. She wanted to talk to him. I’m sure she’s just being nice.”
My eyes zero in on her hand as she places it on his chest. Rage instantly moves through me. I run my hand through my hair. My thoughts are so unlike me. I shouldn't care who she talks to. Am I jealous? That’s ridiculous. I’ve spoken to her like twice, and not even for very long. Even still, there is something about her that mesmerizes me. Chris looks past her over to me and I narrow my eyes. Tension fills the space. I continue to stare him down. His jaw locks. What the fuck does he want with her? What is he playing at? When he puts his hand on hers and steps closer, a fire burns throughout my body.
“You okay, Zayne?” Ana asks me. My jaw clenches and I answer without turning to her. “Oh, yeah.”
Natalee turns her head to look over at us and my gaze instantly locks with hers. She smiles sweetly and my eyes snap down to where her hand still rests on his chest. She instantly pulls her hand away and steps back. Nick, who was in back, puts his hand on my shoulder.
“You should stop staring and have a drink,” he tells me. Since I can’t have anything stronger than soda, I grab my coke and take a quick sip. Stop being a bloody wanker. She is not yours.
I scoot out of the booth, walking just behind it where Nick and Lief stand talking. I try to ignore Natalee and Chris, but my eyes don’t get the message.
“Zayne, what do you think, mate?” I blink, looking over at Nick, who’s awaiting an answer.
“Damn, Z, she really has you off your trolley, mate,” Leif says, knocking into my side with his elbow.
“Stop it. I just don’t trust that arsehole. She’s too nice to be around him,” I say, running my fingers through my hair.
“Or she’s got you a bit barmy,” Nick interjects.
“Bollocks to that.” My eyes sweep over to Natalee. Chris tells her something and a reddish hue brightens her cheeks. Fuck, she’s beautiful.
“Sure, mate. Keep telling yourself that,” Nick says, clapping me on my shoulder.
“Bloody hell.” I shake my head, trying not to smile at the lads They love taking the piss out of me. Chris looks up at me with a sly, cocky smile.
“Oh, shite!” Leif nearly shouts.
I ball
my hands into a fist before relaxing them. I really need to get a hold of myself. The whole table just saw Chris bend down and kiss Natalee on the cheek.
What. The. Fuck? I’m an idiot. It never once crossed my mind that she might be interested in Chris. He might have asked her to come to see his brother’s band. I turn away from her as she walks forward, my insides chock full of running adrenaline and heat. I walk to the other side of the booth and smooth my features. She is not mine. She can talk to whomever the hell she wants. I’m not really the type of guy who believes in all that love at first sight shite, but Natalee struck something deep within me. I can’t deny that…what is it? I’m trying to figure that out. The way I’m feeling confuses me. I’ve never had this surge of possessiveness well up in me before.
I slide into the booth next to Harrison.
“You alright, mate?” His green eyes are full of concern, which is odd, and making me uncomfortable. I’m not used to being on this side of things.
“Yeah.” I shrug, letting out a long breath. My ears perk up when I hear Adriana ask Natalee, “What’s up with you and Chris?”
Shorty’s beautiful eyes ease over to me before she looks down. “Nothing is up with us, he’s just nice.” A rush of jealousy takes hold. Chris, nice?
“Ha!” Fuck, I didn’t mean to say it aloud, but I can’t take it back now. Natalee’s eyes are instantly on mine, her forehead crinkled in confusion. Chris is a bloody tosser who should sod off.
“You should let it go, mate,” Harrison whispers, but I’m too upset to let the rational side of me take hold. How can she not see what an ass he is? Now I have Harrison telling me to let it go? “Whatever,” I respond, sliding out of the booth. I don’t allow my eyes to look toward Shorty. I’m scared to see her reaction to my outburst. What I really need is to get away from the entire situation. Taking large strides, I head to the back of the club.