Resuscitate (Annihilate #1)

by S. Morayla

  "I know it's over with her. I can’t be her friend. Doesn’t mean I miss her any less.” He breathes in deep. “She’s with Chance and there is nothing I can do.” His face screws up. “Even if I wanted her back, she’s caused my heart too much damage,” he adds, his voice sad and coarse.

  I wish I could offer him advice, like they do on TV where it's all inspirational and shit. But I’ve got nothing. Reaching over, I give his hand a squeeze before letting go, trying to convey I get it and I’m sorry in that one action.

  “I know the feeling, Harrison. All too well.” I stare off into nothing.

  “What happened, Natalee? I mean, it’s obvious someone hurt you.”

  I close my eyes and the back of my throat burns, making it hard to get oxygen into my lungs.

  “He, um…he decided I wasn’t what he needed.” I stand and walk over to the soundboard, messing with the buttons. “He left me because I wasn’t good enough. He made me feel like I was. He made me feel like I was his everything, his entire world.

  “Every day, he told me I was the love of his life. I mean, I get it, we were young, but Rhys was different. He connected with me on a different level. Then, he broke me. He made me believe in something that was never true. He promised things he never intended on seeing through. How do you leave someone when you say those words? When you say they make you better? How?” Tears fall unabashed from my eyes as I continue.

  “Unless you saw us together, you would never understand. The best way I can describe it is we were like mirrors of one another. We knew what the other was going to do before doing it. Then, she came in, stole his radiance, and now he’s gone.” My tears are salty when they hit the corner of my mouth. I wipe them away with the back of my hand and big, warm hands pull me into a hard, chiseled chest.

  Harrison holds me for a bit, murmuring his apologies, but his smell is all wrong. My body, in line with my senses, also wishes I were in the arms of the other British boy—the one who took care of me the other night. But my mind is screaming for me to stop. I can’t fall for him—I can’t fall for anyone again. At this point in my life, I need to focus on me. I quickly step out of Harrison’s hold.

  “We should get back to work,” I say, turning away.

  “Hey, Nat?” I stop walking, but keep my back to him.

  “I hate when people say they’re sorry about Les and I, so I won’t tell you that again, but just know, I get it. I don’t know how he broke you, but I think you are a lot stronger than you know.”

  “Thanks, Har. I appreciate it.” I wipe away another tear and make my way back into the recording booth.

  “If you add the E minor chord right before the hook, I think it will sound crisper.” Harrison plays the first verse of the song on the acoustic guitar adding the E chord, and I’m pleasantly surprised. We’ve been working on this arrangement for the past three hours. Luckily, Harrison was here to talk me down a few times and run ideas with me. Otherwise, I would have given up long ago. Being out of the studio for so long shows. I’ve had a hard time finding my sound.

  “It works great. I want to add strings right before the crescendo.” I pick up the violin, fingering the strings with precision and agility.

  “So, does it suck?” I ask Harrison, apprehensively.

  Standing from the stool, he walks over to me. “Natalee, I’m seriously in awe of you right now. That was brilliant,” he beams. All worries cease to exist with those words from his lips.

  “Seriously?” I can’t contain my excitement and I jump into his arms.

  “It’s great, Nat. Really.”

  “I’m going to call my uncle and see what he thinks,” I squee, pulling out my phone and dialing his number. I’m running on pure adrenaline, literally bouncing on the balls of my feet, waiting for his husky voice to answer.

  “How’s it going, kid? I hope you’re okay,” he asks, answering after two rings.

  “Yeah, I’m okay. Actually, I’m better than okay.” I smile. “I did it, Vic.” My eyes tear up and my lip quivers as pride swells within me. “I can’t believe I did it.”

  “Oh, baby girl, I knew you could. I’m so happy.” I take in a deep breath and wipe my tears with the back of my hand. A white Kleenex appears in my peripheral. I look up to see Harrison smiling at me. “Thank you,” I mouth as I grab the tissue. He nods and walks back over to his spot, sliding down to the floor.

  “I can’t believe it. Want to hear what I have so far? I mean, you know you’re going to have to add whatever the guys can’t play, like the strings or woodwind instruments.”

  “Natty, you act like this is my first rodeo.” he chuckles. I let out a sigh and chew on my bottom lip.

  “Alright.” Setting my phone on the piano, I sit on the bench and begin playing what Harrison and I have composed.

  “What did you think?”

  “Wow, Natty. I’m speechless. It’s perfect and fits them so well. You nailed it, kid.”

  “Thank you. I’m really happy, Vic. I never thought…” I get chocked up, unable to finish that thought.

  “I know, baby girl.” Vic’s voice softens. “I’m very proud of you.” I close my eyes and take in the pride and joy radiating around the room. “I also realize you have been at this for hours, how about I buy you lunch from La Cabana?”

  “Yaaasss, boo! You know I would never pass up food from there, but can you make it for two?”

  “Guy or girl?”

  “Guy.”

  “Friend or more?” Geez, he’s so weird.

  “Friend.”

  “Date or not?”

  “Not. Geez, Vic, he’s a friend. He sings and writes lyrics. I thought it would be nice to have a friend here.”

  “Gotcha. Alright, well, what should I order?”

  “Hold on, Vic.” I pull the phone away from my ear. “Har, do you want anything from the La Cabana? It’s a Mexican restaurant.”

  “Sure, tacos are my favorite,” he says with a big smile, making his dimples pop.

  “What kind? They have chicken, pork, or carne asada.” He shrugs.

  “Ah…whatever they serve like at Taco Bell.”

  “That’s disgusting and not even real Mexican food. I’ll just get you a few of each.” I shake my head at him. Poor Brit thinking Taco Bell’s tacos are real.

  I lift the phone back up. “Hey, Vic, just get me two tacos of each kind. I think that should cover us.”

  “Gotcha, kid. I’ll text you with the delivery time. Love you and I will check back in later.”

  “Love you, too. Thanks, Vic.” I click off, still not believing what I’ve accomplished. I feel lighter somehow, almost as if I can do anything.

  How Do I Breathe

  “Did you write the letter we discussed, Natalee?” Dr. Winchester looks at me expectantly. He doesn’t look like your typical psychologist with his long hair and tan skin. He looks like a model, but then again, I’m in L.A. I’m sure most people do. To be honest, if I saw him on the street, I’d think he was a surfer, he is so laid back. Two weeks can go by in a flash and once again, here I am sitting in his office while he picks my brain.

  “Yes, I did.” I run my finger along my jeans.

  “And?” I look up into his hazel eyes, gathering my thoughts.

  “Writing the letter was hard, but it helped.” I put my head down, playing with the frayed end of my t-shirt. What the fuck? When did this happen? “How so?” he pushes.

  I purse my lips, knowing he isn’t going to give me an inch. “At first, I was being very skittish and beating around the bush. The more I kept telling myself my grandparents won’t read it, my brain got the message, and soon, it was an outpouring of emotions.”

  “What did you learn from it?” I chew on my thumb for a bit, thinking what I got out of it.

  “I guess subconsciously, I blame them for what my mother did to me and Rhys. Even though I know she is an adult and made her own decisions, I felt they raised her so it was partly their fault for not seeing the monster she turned into. The
more I wrote, though, the more I started to realize it wasn’t their fault. My mom was with me until I was seventeen. If today I go and rob a bank, those actions are not the reflections of how she or my dad raised me. It would be my choice, because I know right from wrong. She did too, but she chose to take Rhys from me anyway, knowing it would hurt. That had nothing to do with my grandparents.” The tears blur my eyes and my heart aches knowing how I’ve hurt my Nana and Papa. They tried so hard to keep in contact with me, but I couldn’t bear it. They reminded me too much of what I’d lost. I never realized how much I blamed them for my mother’s faults.

  “It’s a hard exercise because it forces you to let out the subconscious feelings buried deep inside. I’m proud of you, Natalee. For most patients to understand half of what you did takes them months of journaling.”

  “I think some of it had to do with music? I’ve kinda been writing lyrics and composing again,” I say with a shy smile. “My uncle needed help for an artist and I took a leap of faith and did it. I had help from Harrison, but still, I couldn’t believe it.”

  “Harrison?” His brows raise in question. I forget he isn’t in my mind twenty-four/seven, so of course he wouldn’t know who Har is.

  “My friends Adriana and Leslie are friends with a group of guys. One of them is Harrison. I guess now they’re all my friends, but Har and I have been hanging out and writing.”

  “Good, Natalee. You’re expanding your experiences. Do you think you will continue with the music?”

  “For now, I like writing lyrics and helping Harrison. I might help my uncle out once in awhile, but nothing too intense. Not like before.” My smile has not disappeared. I called Dad after I left the studio to tell him all about it. The pride in his voice was evident. I guess I never realized how much my depression has caused others pain.

  “It’s a good start. Last session you told me about your roommate Leslie, how’s everything with her?”

  “Since the incident with the frat party, she’s a ghost. Scarcely around and when she is, she’s closed off.” I shrug, acting like it didn’t affect me, but in reality, it’s shaken up our friendship. She doesn’t come to the coffee shop in the mornings to study with Adriana and I. When she is around, she is mad or sad or Chance comes to get her.

  “Have you tried talking with her to see why?”

  “Nope, you’re the shrink, not me.” I smirk at him. “Seriously, though, I’m not good at that kind of stuff.” His eyes narrow at me.

  “What kind of stuff exactly?” I roll my eyes. I know damn well he knows what I mean.

  “Talking, asking questions, inquiring about others days and shit.” I blow out with a huff.

  “You’re talking to me, what’s different?”

  “You ask questions. And I don’t know…it’s different. I guess since Rhys, I’ve become this introvert, pushing others away. I’m not used to having friendships to maintain, it’s been so long.” I look past the doctor to the trees outside. Why does it feel like I take one step forward and two steps back?

  “Do you ask her questions?”

  “Yeah, I mean, I ask her if she’s okay or if she wants to study.” He tilts his head, nodding at me. Geez, he’s making me feel like an asshole.

  “But you know why she’s like a ghost or why she’s upset or hurt?” Fucking hell. I pull on my bottom lip with two fingers, thinking about his question. Damn doctor. He never misses anything, does he?

  “Yes. Well…no, ugh.” I throw my head back onto the cushions behind me. I stay like this for a few heartbeats, trying to find the right words. I lift my head, avoiding his hazel gaze. “I mean, I know some of why she acts the way she does.”

  “Have you told her your story? Anything about yourself?” I snap my eyes to his.

  “No. I...I don’t like to share my past with others.”

  “I don’t necessarily mean your past, Natalee. You are more than that. What I mean is have you opened yourself to her so she knows she can trust you and you are her friend?”

  “I thought I had. I let her follow me on Instagram and Snapchat and gave her my phone number.” I feel even more like an ass when he closes his eyes and shakes his head at me.

  “Social media? Is that how you define yourself, Natalee? Through social media? Here is an exercise for you, besides the journaling, I want you to ask two people five questions, but these questions are to get to know them better, deeper than just the surface. Report back to me in two weeks.” Alright, I can ask my uncle and Adriana. Seems easy enough. I rise, gathering my things, but before I get to the door, the good doctor speaks.

  “Oh, and, Natalee, the two people have to be either your roommate or someone you’re not related or close to. So, Harrison is out, got it?” I turn to look at him, my mouth open in surprise. I know I won’t win, so I let out a dejected sigh. “Yeah, I’ve got it.” Stupid doctor. Here I thought I was starting to really like him. After this, not so much.

  Drown

  Walking out into the bright sun, I reach for the top of my head, only to touch my hair. Crap, I forgot my sunglasses. My phone dings in my purse and I pull it out, smiling at the text.

  I can’t help but giggle. I know Zayne picked that movie because I said I had never watched it, but he blamed Leif. Now, all the guys are giving Leif shit for it.

  Once I’m on the bus, I text Harrison, letting him know I’m on my way back to campus. We’re meeting up to study at his dorm.

  “Come in,” Harrison’s gruff voice says through the door.

  “Sorry I’m late, but I brought snacks,” I singsong, but quickly freeze when I see Harrison’s crestfallen face. “What’s wrong, Har?” His eyes are glassy, face is splotched with red, like he’s on the verge of crying.

  “You know what sucks about loving somebody you can’t be with or have? Trying to forgive them for things that can’t and shouldn’t be forgiven. Today, it hit me like a freight train. The date…today is the day she killed my baby.” I drop the bag of snacks, the world tilts, my eyes grow wide. I inhale sharply, my heart aches before picking up a galloping rhythm. My step falters, I grab hold of the chair beside me. I’m hoping to the universe that what he just said is a lie. But, the tears falling from Harrison’s eyes tells me I’m wrong. Instead, I stare at him in disbelief.

  What. The. Fuck? I want to blurt out. Questions come fast and hard on the tip of my tongue, but I press my lips together. If he’s about to tell me about Leslie, I don’t want to bombard him. I sit next to him on the bed. He takes a deep breath before raising his wounded emerald eyes to mine.

  “I thought we were happy. I knew her parents would hate it when they found out about the baby. I wasn’t good enough for her, they said. I didn’t come from money and couldn’t offer her a secure future. I’m a loser in their eyes, but Les, said she didn’t care what they thought. We were happy—or so I thought. My parents knew and were ready to come here to take care of us while we finished school, or we could have gone back to England. We talked about every possibility, but never once did we talk about abortion or adoption. We were young, but we knew we wanted a future together.

  “I guess I should have seen the signs. Days before, she started pulling away from me, shying away from my touch, but the day she shattered my world, I remember this day so vividly. She didn’t come to school and I was worried. She didn’t answer any of our texts or phone calls. Adriana went to her house, but she wasn’t allowed in. Later that night, I called one last time, but instead of it going to voicemail like every other time, her mum answered. She told me I’d almost ruined Leslie’s life, but luckily, she went to her and told her she was pregnant and didn’t want it. Her mum made an appointment and as of earlier that morning, the baby was gone.” Tears roll down both our faces. The anguish in his eyes is so deep and unrelenting. I take his hand into my own, giving it a light squeeze.

  “She was twenty-one weeks. We found out it was a boy a week earlier. We saw his heartbeat.” I gasp, covering my mouth. I wasn’t expecting that. He smiles tightly befor
e continuing.

  “Every year, I wonder who he would have looked like. If he would have had my dimples or her smile. I never got to hold him, say good-bye, or even plead my case to her. She went behind my back and took my world.” Oh God, my heart feels like an elephant is squeezing it. How could she do that to him? And not even talk to him about it? Why would she go behind his back? I don’t know the answers, but something feels off to me. Something about this story and situation isn’t fitting together. I’ve seen the way she glances at him when she thinks nobody is paying attention. I’ve even felt the spark that ignites when they are around each other. I know I’m not the only one. I’m starting to get a better picture of why the other guys are so protective of him.

  “I’m so sorry, Harrison.” My voice is nothing more than a whisper. We sit in silence, the heartbreaking sadness washing over us.

  “Want to know what’s even more fucked up? I know I should hate her for what she did, I should forget about her and move on, but I still love her so much. When I see her hurting, I want to hold and protect her. I know she’s with Chance, but I also know she doesn’t love him. Did she tell you why she’s with him?” He is leaning forward, his forearms on his thighs when he turns his head to me, his eyes and face wet from the tears. All I can do is shake my head. She’s told me bits and pieces about them, but more about her controlling parents and how they have a short leash on her. The Mercier’s are an old family spanning generations here in America. She’s referred to her family as old money, meaning her great-great-grandfather made millions during the time when steel was literally making America.

  He chuckles lightly. “Chance must hate knowing she is with him out of obligation. His family and hers merged companies. It looks good for them to be together. It’s a fucked up situation all the way around.” He releases a long, steady breath “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bear all of this to you.” I hug him.