by S. Morayla
Reaching my car, I scrub my hand down my face, agitated that Lexi is standing in front of my door, not allowing me to leave. She cocks an eyebrow at me.
“What do you want?” I ask, my tone clipped. I know Lexi well enough to recognize when she’s trying to take advantage of a situation—especially one that may eventually hurt Leslie. I don’t trust her as far as I can see her. She is conniving and will do anything to get her way. Her gaze meets mine as a predatory smile crosses her lips.
“I just want to make sure you’re okay. Aren’t we friends?” She pouts her red lips at me, trying to gain my sympathy. At one point in time, that would have worked, but after being on the receiving end of how malicious she can truly be, it doesn’t do jack shite.
“No, Lex, we’re not. I need to go. Can you just move so I can leave?” Lexi licks her lips. Her eyes roam the length of my body. “I miss you, Zayne.” She steps closer, cupping my dick in her dainty hand. “I miss you fucking me. Nobody has come close to fucking me the way you did. Chance can’t fuck me senseless like you can. I know you need a release. I need one, too. Let’s go back to your place and you can punish my pussy,” she breaths into my ear.
Normally, I like hearing shite like this, but even with that proposal, my dick stays put. I don’t want anything this girl has to offer. God only knows how many blokes she’s fucked in the past week. My dick wants no part of that—especially knowing her mouth has been all over Chance’s dick. Hard pass. No—not happening.
I take a step back, watching Lexi’s hand drop to her side, her face scrunched in confusion.
“Sorry, not happening.”
“Are you serious?”
“Dead.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “She doesn’t want you, she’s with Chris. They’re making plans to fly to Colorado or some shit. I hear all this stupid shit in English. I’m just offering you a way to forget for a couple hours. Since it’s obvious you knew nothing about those two.” Cold brown eyes stare at me, waiting for a response.
“I'm good, Lexi. Why don't you run along now and have Chance, Jimmy, Peter, Derek, Mike, or Ryan—what was it you said? Oh, yeah, ‘punish your pussy’. Maybe they will leave you a tip for the added Chlamydia I’ve heard several blokes complain about. When it comes to you, I learned my lesson a while ago. Besides, my dick likes not being burned.”
Her face twists in anger. I don’t like being disrespectful to women, but if I allow her to claw me in, she’ll use my mangled heart and I can’t afford that right now. I need a clear head.
“Fuck you, Zayne,” she huffs out, flipping me off as she walks away.
“Already did that, love, not happening again,” I yell after her.
Fifteen minutes later, I sit in my car in front of the house, jaw clenched, gripping the steering wheel so hard, my knuckles are turning white. I jump when someone raps on the window.
“What’s up, mate? You don’t look so good,” Lennon says to me through the closed window. I swing the door open, causing him to jump back. What the hell am I supposed to say? The girl I thought I was with is actually fucking Chris? It’s like the whole Lexi situation all over again. Except this time, my heart feels maimed. I suck in a breath, trying to calm myself.
“I’m fine, just knackered.” I plunge my hand through my hair. “I’m going to lie down before practice. Don’t let the lads bother me.” Lennon’s eyes jump to mine, concern etched in his features. “Alright.” He nods at me and says nothing more as he follows me up the driveway.
Cucumber and lemon assaults my nose when I enter the front door, meaning Adriana is here making food. I make a beeline straight to my room, not stopping to talk to anyone, and slam my bedroom door as frustration pours out of me. Fuck! How can this be happening again? I thought Shorty was different. I guess all girls really care about is money and being treated like shite by arseholes. Now I’m regretting not taking Lexi up on her offer. I need to do something physical before I drive myself barmy. Having sex with Lex wouldn’t solve anything, but my mind won’t shut up. Different scenarios play through my head—mostly, the kiss they shared.
“Ah, fuck.” I pull at my hair.
Hollow
I stare down at my phone.
Nausea growing.
It’s been a week since we kissed.
A week since we were intimate.
A week since I pushed him away again.
“It’s finals week, girl, he’s probably just really busy. Don’t sweat it,” Leslie’s exhausted voice rings out.
“It’s more than that, Les. He didn’t talk to me last Friday and left immediately after the gig. Then, Saturday morning, he didn’t go out for breakfast, which he’s never missed. I feel like I finally pushed him away.” My eyes instantly tear up, even though I know it’s selfish of me.
I’m being wishy-washy. It’s not fair to him. I was serious when I told him I needed more time. I need to work on me. How can I be with someone when my heart still beats for another?
“Have you talked to Har about it?” she asks.
“Yeah, he said he’s been feeling homesick. Then he said he’s never really seen him this sad and doesn’t think it has to do with being homesick. He asked Zayne why he skipped out on breakfast last Saturday, but Zayne just shrugged and walked away from him. I don’t know, Les, maybe this is for the best. I mean, you know I can’t be in a relationship right now.”
“I call bullshit,” Leslie yells, causing me to jump. I look up at her, scrunching my face in confusion. “The way I see it, something happened. I don’t know what, but something. I know Zayne, when he’s determined to get something he wants, he’s relentless in his pursuit. We need to find out what happened. And you need to open your eyes. Zayne is a great catch, he gets that you’re going through shit. We all have shit in our lives. Look at Adriana and Leif, her crazy cholo cousins wanted to literally kill Leif.”
“Literally?” I cock an eyebrow at her, amusement clear in my voice. Leslie cocks an eyebrow back at me and walks over, sitting on my bed.
“Um, have you ever seen her cousins?” She shivers. “Bald heads, tattoos, guns, crazy eyes, ready to kill? Trust me, you never want to be anywhere near them, and they hated Leif.”
“They don’t now?” I ask, curious. I’ve never heard the story of Adriana’s cousins.
“Oh, they do. If they break up and Leif breaks her heart, they’ll hunt him down.” Another shudder runs through her. “Anyway, back to the point, those two had struggles. Ana didn’t want to involve him in her family drama, but they trusted one another, took the leap together, and look at them now.”
“It’s different and you know it, Les.” I pick at my nails, my voice dropping to a murmur.
“Ugh,” Leslie lets out a frustrated grunt, “the point is, Leif stood by her side while she sorted her shit out. Zayne will do the same for you. Everyone sees how you look and act with him, you’re the one putting up that wall and not allowing him in. Staying up talking all night, I hear you giggling. Obviously, you like him or all of this wouldn’t be bothering you. Plus, I haven’t heard you cry for Rhys in your sleep in like two months.” She gives me a sideway glance.
Shock rolls through my system.
“What are you talking about?” My stomach drops into my toes as anxiety looms.
Her voice is soft. “You used to cry out in your sleep for Rhys. You would instinctively reach for his jacket and wrap it around you. Lately, though, you haven’t done either.”
I think back to the last time I woke up wrapped in Rhys’ jacket.
It’s okay, Natalee.
Breathe.
It’s going to be okay.
I sit on my bed, numb.
How can this be?
Leslie’s hand covers my own.
“You okay?” she asks, her eyes full of concern.
“Yeah, I think so. I’m gonna go call him. I’ll be back in a bit.” I grab my pullover and my keys, making my way to the door.
I need to talk to him.
I’m leaving after finals t
omorrow.
Winter break.
I’m going to split my time between Uncle Vic’s and Nona and Pops’.
I didn’t want to set foot in Colorado.
Too much pain.
Memories plague my mind.
My nerves are high as the phone rings and rings before finally going to voicemail.
Huffing, I want to hurl my phone.
I call Harrison instead, who answers after two rings.
“‘Ello, Natalee,” Harrison answers.
“Hey, Har, whatcha doin’?” I try to make my voice sound light and airy.
“Why are you sad?” I hate that he can pick up on my current mood.
I let out a heavy sigh. “Where are you?” I ask instead of answering him. God knows he will get it all out of me eventually.
“With the lads.” His voice is careful.
“I just wanted to say hi and let you know I’m leaving after finals tomorrow.”
“Ah, we discussed this already. What’s really going on?” I can hear his footsteps and the wind blowing into the receiver, so I’m guessing he’s walking away from whomever he’s near.
“Is he mad at me, Har? I mean, I just want to know what I did and then I will drop this. I won’t bother him again. You know what? Never mind, it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to drop it, chalk it up as a loss of a friend.” God, I sound pathetic.
“Natalee? I think you’re over reacting. He said he’s not mad at you. I’m not a mind reader, but I do know something is bothering him. It may have nothing to do with you, alright?” I spin in a slow circle, my gut telling me otherwise, but Harrison would never lead me astray.
“Yeah, I guess. I’m going to go back up and study,” I say, feeling defeated. I don’t want to study. Every time I try, my thoughts wander back to Zayne. That’s it. I’ve decided I’m crazy. There is no other explanation for this.
“Natalee, please don’t be upset. I’ll talk to him again, okay?” Harrison says.
“No, that’s alright. Don’t say anything. Like you said, it may have nothing to do with me. I don’t even know what I’m so upset about it anyway. This is what I wanted, right? For him to see I’m not who he needs.” Another sigh slips out. “I’m going to go study, I’ll see you tomorrow in class.”
“You sure?” he asks me. I feel like such a dumbass.
“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Night.” My voice comes out a bit lighter, trying to convince him, and myself, I shouldn’t care. That it doesn’t bother me. Either way, I need to stop acting this way.
I hang up, taking small steps back to the dorm. I don’t feel like studying. I don’t feel like eating. I don’t feel like being cooped up.
Frustrated.
Perturbed.
Confused.
It’s times like this when I wish I still had my mom. Pain slams through me. The thought of her makes me cringe. Why did all of this happen?
I walk, numb to the world around me.
No destination.
No reason.
Pierce the Veil blasts through the cool December air. I pull the phone out of my pocket. Leslie’s name illuminates my screen. I slide my finger to answer her call.
“What’s up, Les?”
“Girl, where are you? You’ve been gone for over two hours.” Two hours. That can’t be right, can it? It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long.
“I got distracted, sorry. I’m on my way back now.” I look around, disoriented. How the hell did I end up on this side of campus?
My attention is between listening to Leslie and walking back toward the dorms without killing myself by tripping.
“Harrison came by. I think he may be out there looking for you. He seemed…worried.” Her voice sounds unsure.
My phone beeps, alerting me another call is coming through. I bring it down and see Harrison’s name.
“Hey, Les, I’ll just see you in a bit.” I answer Harrison before it goes to voicemail.
“Where in the bloody hell are you?”
“I didn’t feel like being cooped up, my mind was too tied up in Zayne.” I sigh. “I decided to think and I guess I lost sight of time,” I confess. “I’m by Jamba Juice.”
“Stay on Bruin Walk and I’ll meet you. Natalee, you can’t just wander around like this without letting someone know where you are. What if your cell phone dies and you get hurt?” he huffs out, concern dripping from his words.
“You sound like my dad, Harrison. I’m not five. But, I’m sorry I made you worry.” My lips lift into a smile when I see Harrison standing ten feet in front of me.
“C’mon, lets go get some tacos,” he says, throwing his arm over my shoulders.
We order tacos and walk back to the dorms. I don’t bring up Zayne and even though Harrison knows the true reason for my distraction, I’m glad he doesn’t push the issue.
Distance
Finals done.
Packing finished.
Heart heavy.
I take one last look at my dorm room before leaving.
“It’s going to work out, Nat. You’ll see.” Leslie’s hand rests on my shoulder.
I wish I were as optimistic.
I got a text from Zayne.
Did it make me feel better? No. In fact, it made me feel wistful. All it said was “have a good break”. I should be thankful that he’s heeded my warnings.
My heart tells me this is for the best.
My soul screams this is wrong.
An internal war constantly at odds.
One pulling me to him, one pushing me away.
“Yeah, I guess so. Let’s go. You ready? Is Chance meeting us out in the parking lot?” Leslie nods at me, her sapphire eyes sincere. Seizing my hand, she pulls me away from the dorm room. The sun hits my face as soon as we walk out of the building. I slide my shades on. Here it is Christmas break and it’s seventy-three degrees in southern California, not that I’m complaining. I’d rather have sunshine than five feet of freezing snow. I tighten my hand in Leslie’s as we reach the lot.
Chance leans against his car, waiting on Leslie. I internally groan, hoping Chris isn’t with him. He’s the last person I want to see after the coffee shop incident.
“You girls ready for a break?” His jovial voice cuts through my foggy thoughts. I roll my eyes, stepping past the cocky bastard. I let Les and Chance say their goodbyes, having no intention of watching it.
With Leslie’s parents gone for the month, claiming business for their absence, I decided she should spend it with my family and me. Chance is leaving on an excursion to Costa Rica and Brazil with a few of his frat brothers, leaving Leslie with nobody to chaperone her for once.
Since I won’t go back to Colorado, what better way to spend winter break than in Palm Springs? Can’t hurt, that’s for sure. Hopefully, I can get over the loss of my friendship with Zayne and she can just be regular Leslie, not having to put on an act in front of others.
Sliding into the black on black Audi Q3, I wait for Leslie. Uncle Victor rented it so I could drive out and have a car while at Pop and Nona’s. I mess with all the buttons.
“What’s with the scowl?” Leslie asks, jumping into the passenger side.
“I can’t figure out how to play my music.” A wry grin crosses her face as she dangles a cable she retrieved from the center console in front of me.
“Ta-da!” Leslie says, laughing. “I know, I know, I’m amazing. No need to thank me,” she says, patting my arm. “Sometimes I’m smarter than you. Face it, Rodriguez, you’d be lost without me.” I can’t help but laugh. I love when Leslie acts this carefree. I can’t deny that I’m excited not only to see my Pop and Nona, but to be able to spend time with Les outside of school.
* * *
Windmill farms set against the San Jacinto Mountains can only mean one thing: I’m home. After a two hour drive, we pull up to my grandparents’ house.
“Holy shit, Nat, this is your grandparents’ house?” Leslie’s blue eyes bulge out of her head at the sight. Atop a
hill, it looks down on Palm Springs. Minutes away from the heart and soul of downtown nestled up against the untainted San Jacinto Mountains.
My Pop built this house for the family when they came here in the seventies. My Pop-Pop and his brothers had a very lucrative construction business. The Coachella Valley was booming at this time.
Pop sold his share of the business to his nephews, who took over when he retired. The house is an Alexander mid twentieth-century modern home. Expansive floor-to-ceiling windows that give a three-sixty view of the mountains and valley. Dad and Victor renovated it a few years ago.
I love it here.
“This is crazy!” Leslie exclaims “It’s so much hotter here than L.A.” She takes a sip from her iced coffee, sitting in the lounge chair next to me. We’re laying out by the pool. The temperature today is eighty-eight. If I were in Colorado, I’d be freezing in thirty degree weather.
No thanks.
We’ve been here for a week already. Right when we got here, my grandparents had us running errands. They made us go hiking, which I didn’t mind since it helped keep my thoughts away from a certain British lad. They took us to the street fair on Thursday night. Leslie got a kick out of the street painters and eccentric people walking the strip.
On Saturday, they took us to the College of the Desert Street Fair. Much like the Thursday night street fair in downtown Palm Springs, the COD Street Fair is in Palm Desert during the day. My grandparents like to help out the local community and this street fair has a farmer’s market. Nona loves her fresh veggies.
We decorated for Christmas, even though it’s ten thousand degrees outside with no white flurries anywhere in sight, but it’s still December and Christmas is a week away. Though my hands and body have been busy, my mind is preoccupied.
I would love to say Zayne and I have talked, texted, Snapchatted—but no, nothing. Last I heard from Adriana, he’s hooking up with Lexi again. Of course, Leslie and Adriana didn’t want to tell me, but I finally got it out of Leslie. Adriana saw Lexi leaving Zayne’s room at 10:00 a.m. Nothing could have ever prepared me for that. It felt like a snake wrapped around my lungs, constricting itself until all the air expelled. I tried to breath in the sweet air surrounding me, but it only swirled close, never entering. I didn’t think it would hurt this bad, to lose someone who was never mine.