Big J drove my mother, Coco and I to the theatre, after we were made over in her likeness by her glamour squad. At the mouth of the red carpet, Ethan was standing waiting for us, looking more handsome than ever. After Big J opened the door, Ethan took my hand to help me out of the car. Butterflies of excitement, or nausea, washed over me. As the four of us strutted down the red carpet, with the clicking sounds of the cameras and blinding flashes of light, I could have sworn that through my squinting gaze I saw Chip several feet in front of us. In fact, not only was Chip standing with one of the starlets of the film who had almost become one of my clients, Tanya was draping herself all over his free arm.
“Well, if it isn’t my favourite former employee,” Chip said with a wide smile, still posing for the cameras.
“I never worked for you, asshole,” I said hoarsely, trying to be subtle.
“Shh, let’s not make a scene,” Sylvia said, snaking up behind me.
“Too late for that now,” Coco said. “The fight is on.”
“I see you’ve taken to keeping company with our sloppy incompetent seconds,” Ethan said.
“Seconds maybe, but, Ethan, you know better than anyone that she is not sloppy,” Chip chuckled. “Or incompetent for that matter. She has proven to be quite the resourceful employee.”
“What are you talking about?” I said, anger rising. “She is not working anywhere. Her status with the state bar is ‘inactive.’”
“Oh yes I am,” Tanya advised. “Chip offered me an associate position with partnership track.”
“The only track he’s offering is down his pants,” Ethan responded.
“You’re lying. There is no record of it on Mavis’ website or with the state bar,” I stated.
“That’s simply a matter of paperwork,” Tanya stated. “My job listing will be on the bar’s website in a matter of days.”
“She’s been working from home,” Chip advised. “She needed time to gather her resolve before stepping foot into another law firm after the pathetic experience she had working for you lot.”
“The only pathetic thing was that we ever hired a lazy, unskilled lawyer like her in the first place. After we sacked her, we had to spend plenty of time filling the holes in the files she worked on,” I spat.
“What you call holes, I call a distraction,” Chip said.
“Excuse me?” Coco asked.
Uninterested in getting caught up in a red carpet brawl, the actress on Chip’s arm quickly sidestepped our verbal assault. Sylvia on the other hand had jumped on the opening in front of the flashing camera bulbs and took centre stage for the photographers.
“While you were all so busy making sure that all traces of me were gone, I let the paparazzi know that there is a new firm in town catering to the mourning celebrity set. Since none of the celebs who consulted with you had given over a retainer, I called up their people, who called my people, and they became Chip’s people,” Tanya advised.
“You stole our fucking clients!” Ethan screamed, ignoring the wild flash of bulbs that followed.
“Hey, you didn’t own them. They were ripe for the picking,” Tanya laughed.
“You snooze, you lose,” Chip said, taunting Ethan. Without warning, Ethan punched Chip in the face, quickly breaking his nose. I instinctively grabbed Ethan’s hand to see if he was injured while Tanya scurried to Chip’s side.
“You all saw that!” Chip screamed, pointing between the paparazzi and us as blood gushed from his nose. “That one was on tape.”
“What are you talking about?” Coco asked. “I didn’t see anything. Did any of you see anything? No?”
“Nice try, fortune cookie, but I have your firm’s future by the short and curlies,” Chip shouted. “Ethan, I am pressing charges against you this time.”
“No you can’t,” Tanya yelped quickly covering her mouth as she realized her disloyal misstep.
“My, my, Chip, you had better get your bitch on a leash better training in loyalty,” Coco advised. “Seems her little black heart still lies in Ethan’s cold bed.”
“You know you won’t call the cops because of the bad press it will give your firm. What would John and Skeet say?” I said sarcastically.
“Whatever,” Chip said dismissively. “I may not press charges, but I swear I’ll get you back.”
“Ok, my pretty. I’ve had enough of your threats and your little dog Tanya too,” I said. “You have absolutely no power over me and no ability to screw with my firm now that your little spy is no longer in our employ.”
“You had better stop accusing me of theft,” Tanya warned.
“Or what? You’re going to sue us? Bring it on, sister. I will be happy to school you and whatever pathetic excuse of a lawyer you hire to try to defend your bogus claims,” Coco shouted in Tanya’s face.
“I’ve had enough of this fighting — it gets us nowhere. The next time we’ll see these two is when we win the Iretzski estate for Esty. Let’s just enjoy our evening,” I said, looking at each member of my entourage in turn.
“Keep telling yourselves that! Stupid Jew-bitch!” Chip yelled out.
Finally, Chip’s true Aryan nature had emerged. Enraged by Chip’s racial slur, I found my inner Mike Tyson and I added a missing tooth to his broken nose. Unable to repress my laughter, I broke out howling as Chip scrambled to find his missing tooth on the red carpet.
“Let’s leave Tanya to clean up this mess. She’s got to get used to it sometime,” I said, throwing her a tissue from my purse.
The four of us stalked off towards the theatre with our heads held high ready to take pleasure in the evening’s events.
CHAPTER 19
Mission Potato Famine
Esty called me in a panic once she saw our photos from the premiere plastered across the covers of several gossip magazines. I told her not to worry about the press. All publicity was good publicity where her music career was concerned, even if it involved her lawyers embroiled in fisticuffs on a red carpet.
Resolved to beat Chip at his own game of corporate espionage, we enlisted the Strauss family to help. Janice’s daughter — Tracey Fine, whom we renamed Spyne — agreed to pose as a prospective client seeking legal advice from Chip’s firm concerning guardianship for her crazy mother. Tracey was a 23-year-old fashion student eager to help us out. In her initial call to Chip, Tracey complained that she was very concerned that her mother was squandering her future inheritance. Fearful that her mother would bleed her accounts dry, Tracey explained that her mother claimed mystical magicians told her to shop until she dropped because she would never take it with her when she eventually kicked the bucket. Tracey arranged to have Chip and Tanya meet her at her family’s grand estate. Never having met Tracey, the location was perfect. Once Chip eyeballed the sprawling property, he would lust after the chance to launch a costly guardianship suit netting him profitable legal fees.
Janice was thrilled to be cast in her first starring role in years. We had a makeup artist transform Janice into an unrecognizable octogenarian so that, when Chip and Tanya met her, they would never be able to identify Tracey’s mentally incompetent mother as our law clerk. By all of Tracey’s accounts, Janice’s performance was academy-worthy and Chip and Tanya fell for it immediately. Janice pretended as though there were water sprites dancing around her bedroom and said that they wanted to take her to Graceland to play with Elvis’ ghost. She ate the most delicious cupcakes that no one could see but her and served them to her guests in her shoes. According to Tracey, within five minutes of their arrival, Chip and Tanya were mesmerized by and salivating over the spectacle. Without delay or hesitation, Chip booked a second meeting with Tracey at his office to follow up on what their strategy would be to declare her mother incompetent.
At the second meeting, Chip and Tanya were confident that they were about to accept a large retainer from Tracey. They were relaxed and let their guard down, which enabled Tracey to probe them for information about their practice. Since Tanya had been dischar
ged from her employment at the law offices of Zeller, Hirohito & Berg, no more information had been leaked to Chip on any of our matters, including the Chalmers file. This confirmed our suspicions that Tanya was Chip’s mole. However, we had no tangible proof to back us up. We knew that the seepage of information commenced shortly after Ethan had dumped Tanya and ended just after she was fired. Tracey was our secret weapon of mass destruction. Our plan was to have her plant a seed of temptation that Chip would never be able to resist. As soon as Tracey left the LA Mavis office, she texted me: We’ve got them right where we want them! She sped over to our office where she sat down with Janice, Ethan, Coco and I and recounted to us the entire story of what transpired during her meeting with Chip and Tanya.
“So, as you can see, we are fully equipped to help you protect your obviously ill mother,” Chip said, reaching a hand out to Tracey compassionately.
“I really do appreciate all of your help and know that you have her best interests at heart,” Tracey replied, “but I have several questions about the process.”
“Shoot,” Chip said, settling comfortably into his chair while Tanya took notes.
“What happens when you declare someone incompetent?” she asked.
“Basically, without boring you too much with the dirty details, once your mom is declared incompetent to manage her affairs, both personal and financial, you will be named her guardian. Then you get to make all of her decisions for her, but more importantly you will have access to her money,” he advised. “That way she can’t blow through your inheritance.”
“Wow! That sounds like a lot of work. I’m just a student and I don’t really have the time to do much else besides school,” Tracey replied, fanning herself innocently.
“Oh, we would be here to assist you,” Tanya offered.
“For a nominal fee, of course,” Chip quickly added.
“I understand,” Tracey said. “But how do you get her declared incompetent?”
“We have your mom meet with our psychiatrist who performs an assessment and determines that she does not have the mental abilities to take care of herself,” Tanya replied.
“Ok. But what if the doctor doesn’t really think that she is incompetent? We have gone down this route before and every doctor she sees has told my family that she is just acting crazy so we’ll spend more time with her,” Tracey advised.
“It’s not a problem with our doc. He always finds a way to conclude that the patient is incompetent,” Chip said confidently.
“Really? That’s great! How does he do that?” Tracey asked.
“Well, let’s just say that he has medicinal ways to render patients cooperative in assisting him in making his medical diagnosis,” Chip said with a wink.
“Sorry, but I don’t quite get it. I’m just a fashion student, so this medical-legal stuff is a bit complicated for me,” Tracey giggled.
“Basically, what we’re saying is that before your mom will be examined, she will enjoy a soothing tea with hallucinogenic properties making it easier for the doctor to declare her incompetent,” Chip said.
“It’s just so that we can help her from harming herself. The doctor is doing what is best for his patients,” Tanya offered.
“I sure am happy that I met you both,” Tracy said.
“And we are delighted that we met and can help you and your mom,” Chip said with a used car salesman grin, getting up to shake Tracey’s hand. “I have another meeting to get to, but I am going to leave you here with Tanya to go over the details of our next steps.”
“I have to ask, did you design your outfit?” Tanya asked after Chip left.
“Yes. I’m hoping to become a successful designer, but I need my mother to give me the seed money,” Tracey replied.
“That’s totally understandable,” Tanya sympathized. “I completely understand how hard it is to try to make it on your own. My parents cut me off when I refused to enter into an arranged marriage.”
“Good for you. Now that Chip is gone, I have to ask, is he dating anyone?” Tracey said, leaning in to Tanya on the couch. “He’s so cute.”
“Actually, we’re dating,” Tanya advised.
“Really? Working and sleeping with the boss? Aren’t you afraid that you could lose your job if something went wrong?” Tracey inquired.
“Not at all. How do you think I got this job in the first place? I would never have slept with him unless he promised to give me what I wanted for my career,” Tanya shared with a giggle.
“Smart thinking,” Tracey agreed. “I can see that you both have the calculating minds that I need to protect my mother. I just don’t want to have happen to me what happened to my friend Esty.”
“Esty?” Tanya asked with great interest.
“Yeah, she’s trying to be a singer/songwriter. Her aunt had more money than God but left her nothing,” Tracey said.
“That’s terrible,” Tanya said, feigning shock. “What happened?”
“I’m not one to gossip, but apparently, her aunt gave it all to some nurse because her aunt felt like Esty abandoned her to pursue some silly music career,” Tracey whispered. “I’m not sure that I should even be saying anything because Esty is trying to get her hands on the money.”
“Don’t worry, I completely understand. Discretion is my middle name,” Tanya sympathized. “Out of curiosity, did your friend’s aunt tell her that was the reason she got nothing?”
“Oh yeah. She wrote her a letter outlining her reasons, calling Esty an ungrateful shit who was good for nothing, just like her hippie parents!” Tracey exclaimed, widening her eyes for effect.
“Well, hopefully your friend has a good lawyer,” Tanya replied, trying to contain her excitement about the newly unearthed piece of information. “Anyhow, we should probably focus on your case. I don’t know that there is much ground to cover today other than to let you know that as soon as our psychiatrist is available, I will call you to schedule your mother’s assessment.”
“That’s great. I look forward to hearing from you,” Tracey said, shaking Tanya’s hand lightly.
“Have a great day!” Tanya called.
“So that’s basically what went down,” Tracey said, glowing from the account of her performance. “Clearly, they’ll stop at nothing to make a buck.”
With Mission Potato Famine well under way, Coco and I threw all of our time and attention at the Chalmers case. Having met with my mystery informant in the Chalmers matter and disclosed the identity only to Coco, I felt confident that no matter what trick Chip had up his sleeve, we would be able to win the entire estate for Esty. On the first day of our judge-alone trial, Chip brought another oral motion to reopen Judge Williams’ decision not to remove me from the case. His misconceived maneuver earned him several warnings from the judge advising him that disregarding his rulings would only be held against him. Luckily, this set the tone for the first few days of the trial, which proceeded smoothly in Esty’s favour.
After our opening statements were delivered, the flow of the trial was predictable. Since technically Esty was the defendant and cross-claimant, we could not present our evidence until Chip had finished presenting his case arguing in favour of the validity of the second will. With every shred of so-called fact that Chip submitted to the judge — Ivana’s medical state, her handwriting, reasons as to why the codicil was as invalid as the first will, her choice of beneficiary — we presented fair and balanced opposing substantiation that the codicil was Ivana’s only valid testamentary instrument upon her death. The judge reviewed all of the medical evidence of Ivana’s doctors, our experts and Chip’s hacks and found that, on the balance of probabilities, Ivana was mentally incompetent when the second will was made. However, the judge reserved judgment on whether Ivana had testamentary capacity, as well as knowledge and approval of the contents of the second will, until he heard more witness testimony. The judge advised that, based on the evidence before him, he needed to hear from Mandy to determine if Mandy could rebut the suspicious cir
cumstances surrounding the making and execution of the second will. Chip was extremely reluctant to call Mandy Chalmers or either of the Sumners to the stand to testify because he knew that they would be subject to Coco’s cross-examination of their character and credibility. Unfortunately for Chip, because his case hinged on the evidence in Mandy’s affidavit, the judge forced him to present her as a witness since she was propounding the second will. Listening to and watching Mandy give her testimony was like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
“Mandy, were you in Ivana Iretzski’s employ?” Chip asked.
“Yes,” Mandy said eagerly.
“What did you do for Ivana?” he asked.
“I took care of her,” she replied.
“How did you take care of her?” he asked, leaning in dramatically.
“I read to her and made her comfortable,” Mandy replied, widening her eyes for added effect.
“What was your job title?” Chip asked.
“Nurse,” she replied.
“How many nurses did Ivana have?” he asked.
“Several,” she said, her voice still chipper.
“How much time would you say that you spent with Ivana on a daily basis?” he asked.
“Only a few short hours,” she replied, feigning sadness.
“Why was that?” he asked.
“Because Ivana’s friend Rita, who took care of Ivana most of the time, was there and Ivana did not need my help,” she replied.
“On a daily basis, how much time were you ever alone with Ivana?” he asked.
“Maybe an hour at most,” she advised, flicking a glance at the judge.
“In that time, what if anything could you actually accomplish as a nurse?” he asked.
“Maybe change her pillows, give her a sponge bath and administer her medications,” she said. “But generally my time was limited and, because she was so weak, it could take an hour just to change her pillows.”
“So, to be clear, it is your testimony that you were not really a nurse to Ms. Iretzski?” he asked.
“Objection, your Honour!” Coco stated. “He is asking his own witness a leading question on direct.”
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