by Harry Potter
Not wanting to wake Ron, and thereby create an even more embarrassing moment, Harry grumbled softly as he started to get dressed. After throwing on a pair of boxers, Harry went to put on one of his pullovers that was lying on the floor next to the bed, but stopped when he noticed a particularly musky odor coming from the garment. Tentatively, Harry spread the crumbled up piece of clothing and his speculation as to what caused the odor was confirmed. Right in the middle of Harry’s shirt was a whitish liquid that was slowly drying into a nasty stain.
Apparently, after cumming in Luna’s eye, Ron must have acted like a gentleman and grabbed something to wipe his discharge out of her face. Of course that something was Harry’s shirt! That made four rules that Ron broke; don’t get your cum on anything that you friend owns!
Making a mental note to burn that pullover later, Harry finished dressing - mind you, he retrieved the clothes from his school-trunk just to be on the safe side because it was highly unlikely that Ron’s jism had gotten on any of his clothes still stowed in the trunk. He made his way back to the Common Room to find that Hermione and Luna had taken the time to dress. Harry could tell that Hermione had performed the same eye-cleansing charm on Luna that Pomfrey had done on her irritated eye since Luna’s eye was no longer red and puffy. The two witches were in an in-depth conversation about sex.
“... lots of vegetables and no sweets,” Hermione stated.
“But Ronald loves his sweets,” Luna pointed out.
“He’ll like blow-jobs a lot more,” countered Hermione.
“Good point,” the blonde witch agreed. Luna turned to Harry and stated, “We were just discussing oral sex. Hermione thinks that you are quiet skilled at it.”
“Um... thanks,” Harry replied a little embarrassed that the two witches were talking so openly about sex, let alone making comments about his performance. Apparently, they were positive remarks, but it still made Harry slightly uncomfortable.
“Perhaps you could show Ron how to do it,” Luna requested.
A distressing question entered Harry’s mind; just how did Luna want Harry to show Ron how to do it? Did she want Harry to give Ron a practical demonstration by eating out Hermione in front of him? Harry imagined doing the deed while Ron watched, taking notes, and occasionally asking questions.
He imagined that Ron would ask; “Now, what are you doing with your tongue?”
Harry imagined that he would try to respond to Ron’s questions, but would have some difficulty speaking seeing that he would have his tongue inside Hermione’s flower. It would sound something like “Aim lecken err poat.”
“Luna means discussing the more interesting techniques with Ron, and showing him the segments of your book,” clarified Hermione in a sarcastic way. She obviously knew what her boyfriend was thinking, and was poking fun at him.
“Oh,” Harry said a bit embarrassed.
“Speaking of Ronald, is he awake?” Luna asked. “We need to go shopping to get Ginny a present for her birthday.”
For some reason, Harry felt a strange compulsion. Maybe it was because of her sarcastic remark about discussing oral sex with Ron, but Harry felt he needed to play a joke on Hermione.
“Yeah, he’s up,” lied Harry. “But he wants to ask you what he should wear, Hermione. You know, in order to impress Luna.”
“That’s silly of him,” Luna stated. “I like him the way he is. Ronald doesn’t have to do anything special to impress me.”
“I think it sweet,” commented Hermione as she stood up. “It’s always nice for a wizard to dress up for his witch.”
And with that, Hermione walked up the stairs to Ron and Harry’s room. The moment Hermione was out of earshot, Luna asked, “He’s still asleep and naked on your bed isn’t he?”
“Speaking of which,” Harry countered, “why did you do the han - the ritual on my bed?”
Luna replied by simply shrugging her shoulders in a “Why not?” gesture.
“RON!” Hermione screamed from somewhere up the stairs.
“HERMIONE!” Ron shouted in surprise. What followed were a series of loud bangs and crashes that Harry assumed were caused by Ron stumbling and fumbling around trying to cover up his naked body from Hermione’s eyes. All of which was very amusing for Harry.
A moment later, a very pale Hermione strolled into the Common Room.
“Is it common for pure-blood wizards not to be circumcised?” she asked Luna.
“What do you mean by ‘circumcised’?” questioned Luna.
“Guess it is, then,” Harry answered.
Luna shrugged her shoulders and began to walk to the stairs. “I’ll go make sure he’s ready to leave soon,” Luna said and disappeared up the steps.
“I’m so glad you’re not uncircumcised,” commented Hermione with a shudder.
“I know,” agreed Harry. “Can you imagine all the lint, pee, and cum being stuck in -”
“Stop!” commanded Hermione as her pale complexion turned green. “No more.”
A few minutes later, Luna and a fully dressed Ron re-entered the Common Room.
“Hi guys, how’s it going?” Ron asked as if Hermione hadn’t walked in on him naked.
“Oh, just fine,” answered Hermione. She seemed to be very pleased with Ron’s idea of ignoring the embarrassing situation and happily went along with it.
As the four friends walked to the Headmistress’ office to use the Floo, Harry noticed that Hermione was carrying her book bag, but it was obvious that it had no books in it. Instead it looked like she was carrying some sort of clothes, making the bag look soft and lumpy.
“What’s in the bag?” asked Harry curiously.
“Oh, I figured since we’re going to Diagon Alley, we might as well pop over to Borgin and Burke’s and get the name and location of the wizard who bought Slytherin’s Locket,” Hermione replied. “I have a plan.”
“What’s the plan?” Ron inquired.
Hermione stopped and proudly withdrew two strange objects from her bag and showed them to her friends. The items looked like they were made of some kind of flesh colored fabric. The brunette witch pulled one of the pieces of fabric over her head and tapped it with her wand. The fabric suddenly began to squirm and wiggle on her face until it took shape. After the fabric stopped moving, Hermione looked like an old hag.
“That’s a very good Mask Charm, Hermione,” Luna complimented.
“Thank you,” said Hermione. The mask was very convincing; the fabric now looked like it was living flesh, with its lips moving along with Hermione’s words, as if it was her real mouth and not a disguise. “The other one is an old wizard. My plan is that Harry and I go into Borgin and Burke’s and convince him that we’re the parents of the wizard we’re looking for.”
“That’s a bit like the ‘Draco’s my boyfriend’ plan, isn’t it?” sounded Harry.
“Well, what do you suggest?” asked hag-Hermione, a little upset that Harry wasn’t bowled over by her plan.
“Something a little less complicated,” offered Harry.
“Fine,” Hermione said pulling off the hag mask and stuffing it into her bag. “Ron and I will do my plan, and if it somehow doesn’t work, you can do your ‘less complicated’ one.” She obviously was thinking that her plan was foolproof and that Harry needn’t worry.
The four friends traveled to the Leaky Cauldron via McGonagall’s fireplace and quickly passed through the pub and entered Diagon Alley.
“Should we go grill Borgin or shop first?” asked Ron.
“Let’s get the most difficult part over with,” answered Hermione.
“So is that shopping or going to Borgin and Burke’s?” asked Harry; he honestly didn’t know which was more difficult, looking for a gift for Gin-Gin, the Erection Killer or prying information from Borgin. Both options were very complicated in Harry’s opinion.
“Borgin,” Hermione replied. “Ron and I will head off to Knockturn Alley; you and Luna can discus your ‘less complicated’ plan.” It was clear from her voice that Hermione
had a great amount of confidence in her plan and that Harry’s notion of a different option was not necessary.
Harry watched as Hermione and Ron trudged off to Knockturn Alley. He was positive that Borgin wouldn’t fall for his girlfriend’s ruse.
“It’s not going to work,” commented Luna. “I’ve heard stories about Borgin; he’ll never tell them anything.”
“Don’t worry,” Harry said as he headed to Gringotts Wizarding Bank. “I have a backup.”
“Okay,” Luna said simply and followed the raven-haired wizard.
After taking a wild cart ride down to his vault - during which Luna held her hands up in the air as if she were riding a rollercoaster - Harry withdrew a small sack full of Galleons. He and Luna then made their way to meet up with Hermione and Ron. Harry entered Borgin and Burke’s to find Hermione in her hag-disguise pleading with a very irate and smarmy looking Borgin.
“But I’m that wizard’s mother,” hag-Hermione insisted.
“Really? Then what’s his name?” Borgin asked. It was obvious from the smarmy look on his face that he didn’t believe Hermione at all.
“Um... err...” stammered hag-Hermione.
“We... um... we forgot,” offered Ron, who looked like an incredibly old wizard, in a very weak and uncertain voice. “See we’re old... And since we’re old... we tend to forget things.”
Borgin glowered at the two disguised teens. Harry guessed that the shop keeper was about a second away from tossing hag-Hermione and incredibly-old-Ron out on the street. Harry reckoned that Hermione’s plan had failed and it was now time to initiate his less complicated one.
“The name and location of the wizard who bought Slytherin’s Locket, please,” Harry requested as he place ten gold Galleons on the counter in front of Borgin.
“Zardoz, he lives in a place called ‘Founders’ Cove’ just west of South Hampton,” Borgin happily supplied, scooping up the money. Apparently Borgin thought that Harry’s money was worth more than just a name and location, because he offered even more information than Harry requested. “Bit of an odd old fellow, has some strange ideas. He’s also nutty about collecting relics from the Founders of Hogwarts.”
“Thanks,” Harry said and left the shop with Ron, Luna and Hermione in tow.
“If I knew it would be that simple,” Hermione muttered dejectedly while pulling off her mask, “I wouldn’t have made these silly things.”
“I kind of like them,” offered Harry. “They might be of use in the future. And as to Borgin, I knew he was an oily git who loves money is all.”
Harry gave Hermione a comforting kiss and her mood was suddenly lifted. The four friends left the shady Knockturn Alley and entered Diagon Alley.
“All right then, let’s go shopping,” announced Luna. “We’ll split up; Hermione and I’ll go this way,” she said pointing toward some shops on the left. “And you two go that way,” she commanded while pointing in the opposite direction.
As Harry and Ron - who had given the old wizard mask back to Hermione - walked away from their girlfriends, Ron asked “What are you going to get Ginny?”
This was a question that was currently bothering Harry. Even though she had vowed to behave herself, Harry was still a little mad over Ron’s sister’s antics. But it would be rather rude to show up to a birthday party and not bring presents. Perhaps he could buy her a novelty pullover with the phrase “I stalked Harry Potter and all I got was smack on my twat and this lousy shirt” printed on it.
“Don’t know yet,” Harry answered his friend.
“Well, after we get her something, I kinda want to buy something for Luna too,” Ron said. “You know, for no reason, just because she makes me happy.”
“That’s a great idea,” agreed Harry.
“You know, maybe some lingerie,” offered Ron.
“That’s a wonderful idea!” exclaimed Harry. The image of Hermione in a sexy little number made his heart race.
“It’s kinda like a present for her and for me,” Ron speculated.
“Yeah,” Harry concurred while he imagined what Hermione’s bum would look like in a set of frilly knickers. “But we should buy them something just for their own enjoyment as well.”
“Of course,” Ron finished.
The friends’ first stop was Flourish and Blotts Bookstore where Harry picked up a book on famous witches who played Quidditch; he thought it was a simple and meaningless birthday present for Ginny. He also picked up several books on advanced magical theory for Hermione. Ron didn’t find anything for his sister, but he did find a book for Luna; “Mysterious Magical Creatures; They’re Real I Tell You!” by Horatio Lovegood.
“It’s written by Luna’s Great-Grandfather,” informed Ron. “We talked about it on our first date. There were only three copies made and Luna doesn’t have one.”
“That sounds rare; it must be expensive,” speculated Harry while he tried to fight the question of when did they discuss this; before the mad sex romp or during?
“Not really. It’s only a Sickle,” answered Ron. “Everyone thinks he was barmy and no one wanted it. Except Luna that is.”
“She’ll love it,” Harry stated.
After making their purchases, Harry and Ron went to the Magical Menagerie where Ron bought some treats for Arnold, Ginny’s tribble... that is, her pigmy puff.
”Now let’s go buy the girls some lingerie,” Harry said in a hushed tone, hoping that no one in the shop would hear him.
“Do you think Madam Malkin’s would have it?” Ron asked quietly.
“No, they won’t,” a voice said from behind Ron and Harry. “But there’s a shop called ‘Franklin’s of Cardiff’ that does.”
Harry spun around to find a green haired Tonks smiling devilishly at him.
“But you’ll want to stay away from the back of the shop,” Tonks continued. “They have naughty toys there.”
“I bought my sister the ‘Two Headed Snap Dragon’ from that part of the shop for her wedding shower,” said a young witch standing next to Tonks.
Harry stood there flabbergasted and embarrassed. Not only did Tonks overhear his and Ron’s plans to buy lingerie and would continue to heckle him to the day he died about it, but this witch that Harry didn’t know heard as well.
“This is Courtney,” Tonks introduced the witch. “She’s just joined the Auror Academy, and I’m taking her on patrol as part of her training. Courtney, this is Ron and Harry.”
“I may be a novice right now when it comes to being a Dark Wizard Hunter,” Courtney greeted the two wizards, “but one day I’ll be the ultimate Auror!”
“Good for you,” commented Harry who was still blushing.
“The shop you want is around the corner, and three doors down,” informed Tonks. “For Hermione, might I suggest something red?”
Without another word, Tonks and Courtney walked off, giggling. Ron shrugged his shoulders and headed in the direction that Tonks had told them, while Harry dreaded what Tonks would do with this tidbit of information to continue to make his life hell.
Franklin’s of Cardiff was a tiny shop painted with white and pink stripes. The moment he opened the door, Harry’s nose was filled with pleasant smelling perfumes. He and Ron hesitantly walked in and they were assaulted with the sight of a bevy of scantily clad mannequins and frilly under garments on various displays. Harry gulped as he surveyed the selection before him; he had no idea that there were so many choices. He had reckoned that there’d just be a couple of bras and knickers. Harry looked to Ron for support or ideas, only to find his friend was in the same predicament as he was.
The two friends began to wander aimlessly through the shop. Harry was embarrassed by the enticing pieces of lace that hung from hangers all around him. He wondered if he’d be considered a poof simply for shopping in such a feminine store.
Unbeknownst to Ron and Harry, the two had accidentally ventured into the infamous back of the shop. The first thing that caught Harry’s eye was a frighteningly realis
tic reproduction of a Basilisk, but on a much smaller scale; it was slightly longer than his own holly wand. Harry wondered why anyone would want a twelve inch hand-held Basilisk.
“Look at this,” Ron said as he held up a hand-sized copy of a Nimbus 2000. On the tiny broom was a switch which Ron flicked causing the broom began to shake and vibrate.
“Why would someone want a small Nimbus that vibrates?” Harry asked as he examined the Basilisk.
“Originally, it was designed as a child’s toy,” a witch began. Harry turned to see his old Quidditch teammate, Alicia Spinnet, walk up to them. She was wearing a little plastic tag with her name engraved on it, so Harry assumed that she worked at the shop. “The vibration was supposed to give kids the sensation of flying. But some witch discovered that it had a much more pleasurable aspect to it.”
“What do you mean?” asked Ron while he continued to hold the small toy and inspect it.
“It’s a vibrator,” explained Alicia. “Witches use it to stimulate themselves to orgasm.”
Ron dropped the toy as if it had shocked him.
“And that Basilisk is a dildo,” informed Alicia and Harry shot up and pretended that he had never seen it. “Are you boys shopping for you girlfriends?” she asked with a chuckle.
“Um, yeah,” Harry replied in a mortified way.
“First time buying knickers and bras?” she asked and smiled as Ron and Harry blushed even more. “All right I’ll give you a hand. What are their sizes?”
“What do you mean?” both Harry and Ron asked.
“Their cup sizes to start with,” clarified Alicia. “Show me how big their breasts are.”
Harry hesitantly held his hands in the air and pretended to cup Hermione’s boobs.
“Oh, you’re finally dating Hermione,” Alicia said aloud.
“What? How’d you figure that out?” asked Harry.
“I remembered Hermione being of average size. Discounting Fred and George’s reports of you dating Draco, the last time I heard, you were seeing Ginny and she’s more like this,” Alicia demonstrated by mashing her breasts against her ribs with her hands and pretended that she had - one would politely say - very modest sized boobs. Having seen Ginny nude, Harry wanted to tell Alicia that she needed to squish her boobs even farther against her chest to get the size accurate.