by Harry Potter
He couldn’t remove her with out pulling her hair out - which would be painful for her he imagined. The thought of strands of hair tugging at ‘Harry, Jr.’ didn’t sound like much fun for Harry either. So Harry had to resort to his original plan of waking Hermione, despite the side-effect of her potential anger of awakening to find a semi-erect penis in her face.
He was about to poke her - with his finger, Merlin you people have dirty minds - when a voice drifted through the air.
“... it’s horrible, Headmistress,” the gravelly voice of Filch, the Hogwarts’ caretaker stated. Harry heard no less than three pairs of feet enter the Common Room. “I found the two bodies on the couch and heard the dreadful screamin’ coming from the boys’ dormitory.” By what Filch was saying, it sounded like he had wandered into the Common Room and thought that Harry and Hermione were dead and must have decided to go to McGonagall for help. Looking around in a panic, Harry searched for his wand. He was desperately trying to find it to either conjure some clothes for him and Hermione or Disillusion both of them. “Seeing that I’m a Squib, I couldn’t do nothing to help, so I fetched you,” Filch concluded
“Oh my,” Madam Pomfrey exclaimed as she saw Harry sitting naked on the couch with an equally nude Hermione in his lap.
“Wait, you’re supposed to be dead!” Filch pointed an accusing finger at Harry while the nude wizard waved weakly at his elders.
McGonagall sighed in an almost forlorn way and spoke in a commanding voice; “Miss Granger.” Which led to a very unfortunate incident; Hermione, being the good student she always was, was instantly roused by McGonagall’s order, and by reflex stood rapidly.
After the sound of several strands of hair being forcefully torn out of her head, both of Harry and Hermione’s screams bounced off the walls of the Common Room. Hermione clutched the area of her head where the dozen or so hairs were while Harry clutched his bits.
“My hair!” screeched Hermione.
Harry wanted to counter with “Who cares about your hair, it’ll re-grow! My bits on the other hand have just been strangled and yanked!” But seeing as he was in agony and curled up in the fetal position once more, Harry settled for pathetic high-pitched sounds of pain.
With a frantic expression to her face, Hermione examined her hair closely, to see if any other strands were injured. She was so intent on this that she hadn’t noticed that McGonagall, Pomfrey, and a very stunned Filch were watching her. Harry saw that the caretaker had his lamp-like eyes fixed on Hermione’s shaved groin.
“Avert your eyes, man,” Harry growled menacingly at Filch. Well as menacingly as one can get when they are rolled up into a tight ball and have tears of pain welling up in their eyes.
It was at this point that Hermione finally noticed their “guests” and dove behind the couch to hide.
“Argus, you may leave,” McGonagall said.
“But what about the screams and moans comin’ from the boys’ dormitory?” Filch asked.
As if on cue, Luna’s groan floated down from Harry and Ron’s room. For a moment, both McGonagall and Pomfrey were visibly concerned with the groans and it was obvious that the two older witches couldn’t tell it was a pleasurable moan. Harry was about to tell McGonagall not to worry, but hesitated when he realized that he’d have to tell his stern mentor that Ron was shagging his girlfriend in their room. He paused, trying to find a more civil explanation for the sounds simply because he didn’t want to use the words “shag,” “sex,” or “bang” in front of McGonagall, let alone to her. Thankfully, Harry didn’t need to tell the Headmistress what was occurring because Ron unwittingly announced it.
“Oh, yes, pinch my nipples,” Ron’s voice requested and a overjoyed giggle told everyone in the Common Room that Luna was more than happy to oblige.
A blushing McGonagall pretended to ignore Ron’s cheer of, “YES, THAT’S IT!”
“I don’t think we’re needed here, Poppy,” McGonagall said to Madame Pomfrey. “Would you mind taking Argus out with you?” she asked indicating Filch. The Headmistress nodded her head toward Harry and said, “I’ll see you tonight at Miss Weasley’s birthday party.”
With that, McGonagall, Pomfrey, and Filch left Harry and Hermione in the Common Room with what was left of their dignity.
***
After their elders had left, Harry and Hermione got dressed - although Hermione kept rubbing the side of her head where her hair was torn out and Harry spent a good amount of time untangling her hair from his bits. Once they were finished dressing, the two young lovers sat on the couch.
“I’m sorry about the head-butt,” offered Hermione sincerely.
“S’okay, it was just an accident,” supplied Harry. “I’m sorry ‘bout your hair.”
“It’s alright, it’ll grow back,” Hermione replied, and then added in an undertone, “I hope.”
As a sign of support, Harry kissed the assaulted area on her head. She smiled at his gesture and kissed him back. Of course Harry was hoping that Hermione would’ve copied his action and kissed his assaulted area, but he settled for a kiss on the lips.
“As McGonagall said, we’re going to be at the Weasleys today; so about this prank against the twins, how does it work?” Harry asked.
“It’s fairly simple,” began Hermione. “All you have to do is stimulate me while I focus on the twins and concentrate on a non-vocal incantation. My orgasm will trigger the ritual and every old witch that the twins see will be completely starkers.”
“So the hard part will be not letting anyone see us doing the ritual,” Harry put in.
“Yes, but we could do a series of Disillusionment and Glamour Charms to make it look like your hand is in your lap and not mine,” replied Hermione. “But the illusion won’t be perfect; if someone looks at us long enough, they’ll see a shimmer around you arm and that may give it away.”
“And they’ll figure out what we’re doing if they see your face,” added Harry.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Hermione asked slightly offended.
“You become very... animated when you climax,” explained Harry
“Fine then, I’ll just have to control myself, won’t I?” Hermione stated.
“Still, we’ll need a distraction to help us hide, just to be safe” offered Harry. “Maybe we’ll do it when Ginny is opening her presents. Everyone should be focusing on her at that point.”
“That’ll work,” agreed Hermione.
“So, what should we do until the party?” asked Harry.
Hermione shared a look with Harry that said that she wasn’t in the mood to fool around just yet; a sentiment that Harry wholeheartedly shared. At least, not so soon after their discovery of why Voldemort kept the traitorous Wormtail around.
“How about we read?” Hermione suggested.
“Oh that reminds me,” Harry said and stood. “I got you some books yesterday.”
The raven-haired wizard made his way up the stairs and knocked on his dorm room door. Seeing that there was no answer from Ron or Luna, Harry assumed that they were asleep. Harry’s suspicion was proven correct when he opened the door and found his two friends asleep. Mind you, they were still both very naked. And on Neville’s bed. Seeing his friends nude wasn’t troubling Harry because he had already done that the day before; he was just glad that they didn’t have sex on his bed this time. But judging by the crumpled and wrinkled bed sheets, not only did they shag on Neville’s bed, they also did the deed on Dean’s and Seamus’ beds as well. It was safe to assume that the only bed that Ron and Luna didn’t perform any type of sex act on was Ron’s own bed. Harry assumed that they were saving that bed for a particularly “special” occasion; he decided he wasn’t even going to try and guess what the couple would consider truly “special”.
Silently, Harry retrieved the books he bought but placed the “Hello Kitty” lingerie to the side. He doubted that Hermione would be pleased with such a gift, and decided to go to Diagon Alley and return it shortly.
; Hermione squealed in delight when Harry gave her the books. She immediately flopped down in her favorite chair and began reading them. Harry took this time to go read through his favorite book. He opened up “The Magic of Making Love” to a random page and began to read.
The section he had chosen was entitle “Unusual Rituals and Spells.” One of these unusual rituals was called “The Sticky Widget”. According to the special book, when the ritual was performed, the wizard remained fully erect and functioning until the ritual was ended with the special incantation “Conquiesco Fessus”. The major side effect of this ritual was that the wizard’s erect penis would be stuck inside his partner until the ritual was cancelled, allowing only a motion of two or three inches while inside the female partner’s bits. It was as if the ritual put a Sticking Charm on the penis for some reason. The idea of being firmly stuck inside a witch didn’t seem too appealing. Why anyone would want to do such a ritual was beyond Harry.
But the idea of being able to last longer, and thereby pleasing the witch more, was very intriguing to Harry. That way, he could easily make Hermione very happy... other than using his magical mouth... and other than using the Pleasure Pressure Points... Harry wanted to broaden his horizons and be a Jack of All Trades when it came to pleasing Hermione. It was something that he set his mind to achieve: be an expert at pleasuring Hermione.
So Harry searched for a spell or ritual that would increase his stamina, and in short order, he found one. It was easy to find because it was called “The Stamina Ritual”. It would only double the times the wizard could normally perform. But Harry rationalized that two times was better than just once and he memorized the simple ritual. All Harry had to do to get this boost was hop around on his left leg while chanting “Accipio Amplus” seven times.
After he had memorized that simple ritual, Harry continued to read the book. He was still amazed what was in it. Not just spells and rituals, but positions meant to heighten the pleasure. Some of these positions were called “Churning Cream,” “The Black Bee,” Splinting the Bamboo,” “The Elephant,” and “The Stag” (thankfully not related to Harry’s father and his animagus form).
A while later, Ron and Luna finally came down. They had showered and dressed for the party. Taking their lead, Harry and Hermione showered - separately, they were running late - and got ready for Ginny’s party.
When Harry returned to the Common Room, he found McGonagall waiting along with Ron and Luna.
“I’ve made a Portkey so we won’t get soot on our robes if we went by Floo,” announced McGonagall as she held up an old shoe.
“Thank you, Professor,” Hermione said as she returned from dressing.
The five gathered around the shoe and McGonagall touched her wand to it and incanted “Portus.” In a moment, all of them touched the shoe and were magically transported to the Burrow - of course Harry crashed to the ground.
The first thing that Harry noticed was that it was rather hot and unusually humid outside. It was like someone had place a hot wet cloth over his head.
“Bloody heat,” grumbled Ron and he helped Harry to his feet.
“Wotcher, gang,” a cheerful voice called out. Harry turned and saw Tonks walk out of the Burrow with several chairs floating behind her. The Auror waved her wand and the chairs flew off and landed neatly around a number of tables that were already set on the lawn.
“I thought you were on duty tonight?” Hermione asked as she greeted Tonks.
“Got called off the last minute,” Tonks replied with a cheery bloom to her face. Whether the bloom came from happiness or the heat, Harry didn’t know. “So I decided to give Molly a hand setting up Ginny’s party. ‘Course I got the newbie to help me out,” she finished by jerking her thumb back at the Burrow. Just then, Courtney, Tonks’ Auror trainee, stumbled out of the Weasley house. The witch was carrying two massive tankards of butterbeer while sweat poured off her skin.
“Courtney, are you alright?” Harry asked with concern.
“Yeah,” the future Auror responded. “I’m just super hot is all; it’s a burden I have to live with. That and it’s really warm out today.”
“Wow, those are some big jugs,” commented Ron while he eyed the large tankards of butterbeer that Courtney was carrying.
“Well you could be a proper gentleman and give her a hand,” Molly scolded her son as she too came out of the house, carrying more butterbeer. “Instead of standing there like a buffoon.”
Fearful of his mother’s temper, Ron snatched the tankards away from Courtney and Harry asked Mrs. Weasley if he could take the ones she was carrying. For the next twenty minutes, Harry and his friends helped set up Ginny’s party. While they were setting up the party, the Creevey brothers, Colin and Dennis, arrived via the Knight Bus. Both of them had their cameras, and the moment they saw Harry, began circling their idol and snapping pictures of him.
“Is it true that you’re ga - err... dating Draco?” Colin asked with a hopeful tone in his voice and a desperate gleam in his eyes. Harry got the distinct impression that if he replied “yes” then Colin would drop his camera, disrobe and offer himself to his idol, saying something along the lines of “Leave that hooligan and take me!”
“No, I’m not,” Harry responded, and Colin’s desperate gleam turned hopeful. Wishing to quell the younger wizard’s hope of dating the Boy Who Lived, Harry threw his arm around Hermione and concluded, “I’m very straight.”
The Creevey brothers both uttered a sad “oh” and sulked off.
“Speaking of the rumors of your orientation,” Hermione began as she scanned the growing crowd of guests. “Where are Fred and George?”
“Dunno,” Harry said. “Maybe they’re closing the shop and will be here late.”
Two loud cracks announced the arrival of Luna’s father and Neville. Harry heard Ron make a soft noise of panic somewhere behind him. Harry turned and saw a very ashen faced Ron standing behind him. Apparently, Luna’s tactic of calming Ron’s nerves about meeting her father by shagging her new boyfriend’s brains out wasn’t completely effective.
“Daddy!” Luna cheered and ran to her father while half-leading, half-dragging Ron behind her. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet!”
Harry couldn’t hear what Luna was saying to her father, but it was obvious by both wizards’ expressions that she was introducing Ron as her boyfriend. Mr. Lovegood was giving Ron a steely gaze while Ron looked like he was about to soil himself.
“Hiya Harry, Hermione,” Neville greeted them as he walked away from the awkward situation that was developing between Ron and Mr. Lovegood.
“Hi, Neville. Did you enjoy your trip?” asked Harry. He was stunned when he saw Neville; his friend had lost a little weight around his midsection - a few pounds - but had gained a bit of muscle around his arms and chest. He wasn’t muscle bound or athletic, Neville was still a big wizard, but it suited him.
“It was great,” heralded Neville. “I got to see so many unique and exotic magical flora.”
“Have you been working out?” Hermione asked.
“Kind of,” Neville admitted bashfully. “A bunch of the plants that I tried to uproot weren’t too keen on the idea and fought back. So I guess in a way I did work out.”
A polite cough drew Harry’s attention. He turned to face a very ruminative looking Ginny.
“Harry, I’m sorry -” Ginny began.
“There’s no need to apologize,” Harry interrupted. “I forgive you.”
Harry gave Gin-Gin the Erection Killer a comforting hug; much like the way a brother would hug his little sister. He was surprised by his own actions. He had intended to stay away from Ginny as much as possible and had planned only to speak to her in short, but polite, conversations. He had no intentions of accepting any apology from the red-haired witch, much less forgiving her for her actions. Harry was amazed by his unintentional show of maturity.
One look at Hermione told Harry that she, unlike him, had no intention of showing such pardon.
The devilish grin on his girlfriend’s face warned Harry that she would not let Ginny off so easily. Harry imagined that Hermione was fighting the urge to ask Ginny “Is your vulva still bruised?” or “Boy, Harry can eat me out like nobody’s business. Let me tell you Ginny, you’re missing out!”
“Hi Neville, I’m glad you could come,” Ginny said. Hermione still had her devilish grin and Harry knew that she would be patient. Her revenge against Ginny may not come today, or tomorrow, but one day. Perhaps Hermione would make Ginny be her personal slave in penance. Harry could imagine Hermione making Ginny call her “Mistress.”
“Um, hi Ginny,” Neville returned her greeting nervously. “I got you this on my trip.” Neville withdrew from his robes a pretty red plant with yellow-gold blossoms in a simple pot. He handed it to the birthday girl and explained, “It’s called ‘Verecundus Rosa” or ‘The Shy Rose.’ It literally feeds off of attention. If you don’t notice it, it wilts and dies. If you give it negative attention, both the leaves and blossoms will turn black and twisted. But if you shower it with positive attention; it will grow strong and beautiful. When I saw it in a forest in Burma, I was struck by its beauty and I thought... well...” Harry could tell that Neville was nervous and embarrassed, but that he was brave enough to finish his statement after regaining his confidence. “It was so beautiful that I thought of you, Ginny.”
Ginny’s eyes popped open in surprise and her face grew red at Neville’s compliment. Neville muttered a “Happy Birthday” and walked away with his cheeks red as well. As he retreated, Neville would occasionally glance over his shoulder.
“Has he been working out?” Ginny asked in a distracted way as she watched Neville walk away. “It suits him.”
Another set of loud cracks heralded the arrival of the targets; Fred and George. One of the twins thumped Harry on the back and said in an overly effeminate way, “Hello there, how’s your love life, sailor?”