by Erin Osborne
I’m wheeled closer to Callie’s bed as soon as the cots are moved so that we can look over our children together. Emotion threatens to overwhelm me in this moment as everyone in the room begins to fade away and it’s just the four of us. Our son looks almost identical to me now that I don’t have all that other shit clouding my head. And our precious little princess is gonna look just like her mama. I can already see it. Callie looks between them and I can see her mind working as she tries to think of the perfect names.
“What about Knox Remington for our little boy and Jasmine Silvia for our little girl?” she asks, looking at me with such uncertainty that it breaks my heart.
“I think they’re absolutely perfect,” I tell her, looking up to where Psycho stands before us.
His face is filled with emotion that I know he’s trying to hold in right now. He’s got a shitty past and I can just imagine the honor that he feels in this moment. Callie’s given him something that no one else has ever taken a second to do. She’s shown him unconditional love and a loyalty that he’s only seen from his brothers in the club. Psycho walks forward and leans down into my wife. He’s careful of Jasmine as he wraps his arms around her and whispers something in her ear. Standing up, I watch as Psycho composes himself and looks over at me. There’s a small smile on his face as he looks down at Knox. Nodding my head, I give him the permission he’s silently asking for to pick him up out of my arms to hold against his chest. He needs this moment and I’m not gonna take it away from him.
For the next few hours, I sit in the room with Callie, Knox, and Jasmine. Everyone cleared out when it was time for my wife to nurse our children. There’s no way in hell that anyone is seeing any part of her naked. Psycho’s already seen more than enough and if I could bleach his fucking eyes out, I would. They left us be for a while so that we could bond as a family and I could spend time with Callie without everyone around.
Now, it’s time for me to go back to the rehab center and it’s the last thing I want to do. I want to stay here in this room with my family and help Callie. There’s not much I can do without being able to walk though. So, Hadliegh and Psycho will stay here with her until she’s released to go home. Smokey, Grave, Bishop, and Bentley will be at the hospital on guard duty while Renegade stays with me. We don’t know what’s going on with the guys that hit us, and I’m not taking any chances with my family.
My heart breaks as I lean down and kiss my children goodbye. It shatters when I get close to Callie and see the tears in her eyes. She kisses me like it’s the last one we’ll share and I reluctantly pull away from her. She’ll never fucking look at me with tear-filled eyes again. I’m going to bust my ass so that I can get out of that rehab center and back home where I belong. We’ll never be apart again if I have my way.
“Love you baby girl,” I say, wiping her tears away with the pads of my thumbs. “I’ll be back as soon as I can tomorrow.”
“Love you Bear. More than you know,” she murmurs back, lying back against the pillows and watching me leave her room.
“We’ve got her Bear. Go kick ass and come back stronger than ever,” Hadliegh says as she holds the door open for Renegade to push me through.
I nod in response before looking back over my shoulder. Callie hasn’t taken her eyes off of me and I don’t look away from her until I can no longer see in the room. Hanging my head, I let Renegade wheel me outside and to the van that he picked me up in. The ride is made in complete silence; both of us lost in our own thoughts. Mine are on Knox, Jasmine, and Callie. The place they’ll remain until I’m with them in our home.
Chapter Eighteen
Callie
THE LAST THREE MONTHS HAVE BEEN HARD, exciting, tiring, and everything in between. Psycho and Hadliegh have been by my side since I had Knox and Jasmine. They stayed in the hospital with me and then came home with us. I can’t even begin to explain how much help they’ve given me when we first came home. Especially when it came time to loading up and going to see Bear at the rehab center.
Bear was there for three weeks after we came home. Once he got his memory back and realized everything he had to fight for, he started busting ass and working as hard as he could to get back on his feet. His only goal was to come home. I can’t tell you how many times we had the conversation that it should be him helping me with our children and not Psycho and Hadliegh. It was killing him to know that he wouldn’t be able to be there with us full time just yet. That’s why we’d get up every morning and I’d feed and bathe Knox and Jasmine and we’d head over to him. We’d stay with him until late at night and repeat the process all over again.
If he was in therapy, I’d stay in his room to feed and change the twins. The days they were sleeping, I’d go with him and be his personal cheerleader. Those days were hard for me because I could see the pain, frustration, and determination on his face. Within a matter of minutes, he’d be covered in sweat from all the exertion he was putting forth to start walking on his own again. It took three weeks before he could walk enough for the doctor to let him come home. Three weeks of continuous torture he put himself through. Now, just over two months later, Bear has a slight limp that’s more pronounced when he’s tired or done too much walking in a short amount of time. He continues to work daily on it though he may never lose the limp.
I will say that Bear is definitely a hands-on dad. If I have to get up with the kids at night, he’s right there with me. While I’m feeding one baby, he’s changing and singing to the other one. Then we swap baby’s and he does the same with whatever one I’ve already fed. He can sense when I’m getting overwhelmed because I’m exhausted and will immediately take over. I’ve started pumping just so he can feed them himself. It’s been a huge help to have my husband back and I tell him how much I appreciate him every single day.
“Callie, gotta head out baby girl,” he calls out as I check the nursery.
“Okay. I’ll see you when you get back,” I answer, meeting him in the hallway.
“Not gonna be gone long. Still can’t ride long distances. The guys are goin’ on a run so I’m goin’ for church and then I’ll be home,” he tells me, leaning down to kiss me as I wrap my arms around him.
“If you want to take my car and go with them, we’ll be fine here. I’ve got Bentley and Hadliegh here if I need help, but I think we got a good routine down now,” I tell him, walking downstairs with him so I can start a load of laundry.
“You sure?” he asks, following me into the laundry room.
“Yeah. Bear, you need to get back to what you do. If the club needs you, go. We’ll be fine here and we’ll be waiting for you when you get back,” I tell him, placing my hand on his chest. “You don’t have to keep trying to make up for what happened before. I get it and there’s nothing you have to do to make it up to me. Or Knox and Jasmine.”
“I just can’t get that time back, baby girl. It kills me to know that I treated you like a complete stranger and wasn’t there for you,” he responds, putting his head down in one of his rare moments of guilt and pain.
“Did you make yourself lose your memory or forget me on purpose? I don’t think so. I blame the men that did this to you. No, we’ll never get that time back, but we’ll move on and continue to build our life together. That’s what we need to do and what will happen,” I say, walking to the front door so that he can give me one more kiss before heading out.
“I love you always and forever,” he says, placing his lips against mine and pulling me tight to his body.
“Always and forever,” I repeat when we break apart. “Now go and do what you gotta do. Make those motherfuckers pay for what they’ve taken from us.”
The day has been a lazy one. I sat outside and read while the kids were napping. Hadliegh had to work so it’s just Knox, Jasmine, Bishop, and myself at the house. When they woke up I fed them and got them changed. Knox needed a bath so I got that done while Jazz was lying in the playpen that’s in the living room. I move it into whatever room I’m in so I don’t feel like I’
m abandoning one of them. Having twins isn’t easy to do on your own, but we make it work when I’m the only one home. The prospect that’s on guard duty never comes in the house unless he needs to use the bathroom out of respect for Bear.
I’m going out of my mind after the kids have been up for a while. It’s lonely here and I want to get out of the house for a while. So, I pack them up and get their car seats in the SUV Bear got and make my way to Anarchy Ink. It’s not an ideal place to take baby’s but I need to talk to Ink about my tattoo. And Hadliegh can watch over them while she’s at the front counter. It’s not the first time she’s helped me while she was work. Ink doesn’t care as long as they don’t get brought near the back room and remain in front with my friend.
Walking in the front door, I spot Hadliegh looking at her phone with a shocked expression on her face. I stop at the counter and stand there with both car seats in my hands for a few seconds before she snaps out of her stupor and looks up at me.
“You okay?” I ask, never having seen that look on her face before. Even when we were in a cell and being tortured.
“Um, yeah. This is a nice surprise,” she says, putting a fake smile on her face as she stands up and makes her way around to take one of the car seats from me.
“I need to talk to Ink. Is he in?” I ask, looking around at the quiet shop.
“Yeah. I’ll grab him,” Hadliegh says, turning and making her way to his room real quick so she can come get her snuggles in.
Ink follows her out and leans down to give the kids some attention before turning his focus on me. “What’s up Callie girl?” he asks, leaning against the counter.
“Need to talk to you about a tattoo,” I answer, looking down at the horrible scar on my chest.
“Let’s go in back,” he says, helping Hadliegh get the kids behind the counter before walking to his office.
Once we’re inside and he closes the door, I sit down and wait for him to ask me what questions he needs to know. This will be my first tattoo so I have no clue what I’ll need to know or ask before it gets done.
“So, I’m assumin’ that you want to cover up your scar?” he asks, leaning back and looking completely relaxed in his chair.
“Yeah. I have a picture of what I want. It’s not something stupid or meaningless. For me it signifies the rebirth of the woman I am now. The one that’s strong to withstand anything that’s thrown at me,” I tell him, reaching down for my purse where I have a folder holding the design of the Phoenix I want.
Ink reaches out for it and I watch him take in the details and trying to figure out what his own spin on it will be. I’m not dumb enough to believe that he’s going to simply trace that picture and put it on my skin. No, he’s going to make it his own and put his own little touches and flairs on it.
“Can I see the scar area?” he asks, standing up and walking around to my side of the desk.
I pull my shirt down in the front so that he can see the word in its entirety. When he reaches out to run his hand along my skin, I almost flinch but stop myself as I realize that he’s just doing his job. He needs to know what my skin is like under the scars to tell if he can tattoo there.
“Okay. I think the only part I may have trouble tattooin’ is the tops of the letters. The scar tissue is worse there. So, to get around that, I’ll incorporate them into the design of the tat. You’ll still see them, but they’ll be camouflaged if that makes sense,” he says, sitting back down in his chair.
“It does. I didn’t know if you’d be able to cover it at all so I’m happy to know that most of it will be under that tattoo,” I say, getting ready to stand up and head out of his office.
“When do you want this done?” he asks, putting my drawing on the middle of his counter where his drawing desk is set up.
“As soon as possible. I want to surprise Bear with it. Oh, can you incorporate his name in there somewhere? Maybe on the outer edge of it or something?” I ask, opening his door and making my way out to get my kids.
“I can do that. Give me till the weekend to get it drawn out. I’ll do a few different versions and you can pick the one you like the best. Sound good?” he asks, leaning on the counter as a customer walks through the door.
“Sounds perfect,” I respond, taking Knox from Hadliegh’s arms so she can do her job.
Once I have the kids back in their car seats and fastened in, we make our way out to the SUV. It might not have been a long outing, but it’s better than nothing. We make our way home with Bishop following behind us on his bike. When I pull in, I see that my car’s still gone. Good. Bear needs to get back in with the club the way that he used to. I know how he feels and I appreciate the effort he’s been making. But, he also has responsibilities there. He can’t keep punishing himself because of what happened to him. It’s not fair to anyone, especially himself. Bear needs to be around the guys every now and then. We’ll both go crazy if he doesn’t get away from home more than to go to the garage.
A month after Bear got out of the hospital, he gave me my rag and officially made me his ol’ lady. I haven’t gotten his name tattooed on me yet, that’s why I want to add it on my Phoenix tattoo. Later on, I’ll add the kid’s names somewhere else. The Phoenix represents Bear and I perfectly. Not only as individuals, but as a couple with everything that we’ve overcome together. There was a huge party to celebrate and I saw more of the men I consider my brothers than I ever wanted to. Let me tell you, some things can’t be unseen.
We’ve also been working on planning the first annual Christmas toy drive. It’s going to be in memory of my grandma. The guys have been contacting all sorts of clubs to come and be a part of the ride. Hadliegh has been helping me hand out fliers about the event and securing donations from stores around town and the surrounding areas. I’m excited to be making this a reality so that a piece of my grandma lives on forever. We even got the store we originally bought the ‘special’ wrapping paper at to order us several boxes of just that design. I can’t wait to see how the event turns out! Satan’s Anarchy MC may seem like a bunch of rough around the edge’s asshole, but they make the women in their lives feel like they are the most important people on earth. I’m happy to be a part of them and I’ll do anything for the men in the club. The same that they’d do for me.
Tomorrow I go back to work. The kids will be going with me so I don’t have to leave them with a babysitter. I could’ve gone back before now, but I wasn’t ready. Between having them and the situation with Bear, I needed to take a little more time off. If things couldn’t wait to be put in the computer, he’d bring it home to me and I’ll upload it on the program on my laptop. We set up an area for a playpen for the Knox and Jasmine to go and I’ll have to pump in the morning so that I can feed them there, but that’s not a big deal. We’ll make it work however we have to.
I’ve also been taking classes online. It’s not as hard as I thought it would be. For me, it’s perfect because I can do my lessons when I have the time and not really take away anything from my family. I know that’s not always going to be the case if I have a paper to write or anything like that. But, I’ll have to learn how to manage my time and make sure that I spread myself out evenly.
So far, our lives are shaping up to be perfect. We’re all imperfect and have different flaws, but when you find the person you’re meant to be with, life is imperfectly perfect. I was lucky enough to find that with Bear. Now, I have a husband that loves me for me and never treats me like shit. And I have two amazing little lives to take care of, love, and teach as they grow up into amazing people. My past is just that; the past. I’ve moved on and I know that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
Chapter Nineteen
Bear
OVER THE LAST THREE MONTHS, MY LIFE HAS slowly been getting back on track. My biggest regret will always be Callie and forgetting her. I’ve tried everything in my power to make it up to her. I’ve lost so much time I’ll never get back with her and I’ll never forget how she stood by my side no mat
ter what. Callie didn’t hide away and let the hurt over the situation drag her down. No, she was there every day with me, waiting and hoping that I’d remember her. She never lost that hope and I’ll never be able to let her know what that means to me.
My brothers never lost hope either. They all had my back and knew that I’d remember everything eventually. That doesn’t mean that they didn’t hate to see what Callie was going through because they did. But, I’ll never forget how they were there for her when I couldn’t be and the way that they all made sure she had what she needed until our children were born.
Knox and Jazz have completely turned my world upside down. I thought I had everything I wanted with Callie and the club. That was the biggest lie of my life. My world is complete with the three of them in my life. I can’t wait to add to our family, but I know that we need this time with just us. It’s an adjustment for sure, but I take every moment with them and commit it to memory so that I’ll never forget how full my life is and how precious it actually is. I almost lost it all in the blink of an eye and I’ll do my best to ensure that it never happens again.
Though I can’t say that having a child is all sunshine and roses. They cry and can’t tell you what’s wrong with them. There’s exploding diapers that make you want to throw up, and there’s the getting up every few hours. There’s also the way they cuddle into your body and hold your finger while your feeding them, the way they wrap you around their little finger with a look, and how a ferocious need to protect them overtakes you. It’s a learning experience that I treasure and can’t wait to see where it takes us. Knox and Jazz will forever know how much I love them and that I’ll do anything for them. The same with Callie.
“Bear, you okay?” Renegade asks me as I stand outside the clubhouse and reflect on the past few months of my life.
“I’m good. Just thinkin’ about how good I have it,” I answer, knowing that it’s time to switch my frame of mind so that we can get these assholes and make them pay.