As I walk toward economics class, I feel that I am dying a slow and painful death. It’s like the life is draining out of me and I don’t even care. I know I’m probably just being melodramatic, but I am so convinced that my life totally sucks that I wonder why I don’t just turn around and walk out of here and go lie down on some train tracks somewhere. Unfortunately we don’t have any train tracks nearby.
Somehow I make it to art class. But I can still feel that look from Jordan, still burning through me, cutting me to the core. I pull out my latest art project and begin to work. I don’t even bother to go join the others at the big table in back. I don’t really want to talk to anyone today. And I’m thinking I’ll just duck out of here when class is over and skip the lunch-bunch thing. Maybe I’ll just go home and go to bed. Maybe I’ll sleep until I’m eighteen then get up and see if I can get accepted into a decent college. Or join the army. I think I might make a good soldier.
“What’s up?” asks Edgar. He’s leaning onto the table and looking at my sketch.
I just shrug without looking at him.
“You okay, Kara?”
I can hear the concern in his voice, but somehow that’s just not what I need right now. In fact, I’m sure it’s going to make me cry if he keeps this up.
“I just want to work,” I manage to say in a husky voice that probably sounds as if I’ve been out smoking in the parking lot with Amy’s friends.
“Okay.” He backs off now and I think my act must be quite convincing.
But now I am unable to sketch. All I can do is look at my half-finished project and the glossy photo that I was attempting to recreate. And before long both of these images become blurry. Then I go up to Ms. Clark and ask permission to go to the bathroom. But instead of going to the bathroom, I just walk out the side door, across the school grounds, through the security gates, and toward home. I unlock the apartment, go directly to my room, and climb into bed. I feel like my body is made of heavy stones and I am so very, very tired. I hope that I can sleep all day. Maybe all week. Maybe forever.
twenty-one
I’M AWAKENED BY THE PHONE RINGING. IT’S LIGHT OUTSIDE AND I WONDER what day it is as I stumble through the apartment to answer the stupid phone and silence its obnoxious ringing.
“Kara?” It’s a guy’s voice.
“Yeah.”
“This is Edgar. I hope I’m not disturbing you.”
“I was asleep.”
“Sorry. I was kind of worried about you today. I noticed that you left art early and then I didn’t see you around anywhere after that. Are you okay?”
“Okay?” I consider this word and wonder what it really means.
“Are you sick?” he persists.
“Not exactly. Maybe.”
“Are you depressed?”
Bingo, I’m thinking. You got that right. But instead I just say, “I don’t know.”
“Well, I’ve really been praying for you, Kara. I feel like God is really trying to get your attention. And as hard as things might feel to you, I think it’s all going to work together for something really great.”
“Something really great?” I’m sure he can hear the disbelief in my voice. But I don’t care.
“Yeah. I think you’re going to invite Jesus to be your best friend too. And then your life is going to really improve.”
I want to laugh at this, and I even make a feeble attempt which unfortunately sounds more like I’m gasping or gagging or strangling.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, Edgar, I’m fine.”
“Anyway, I wanted to invite you to a Bible study tonight. It’s at my church—”
“Oh, I don’t know about—”
“It’s with high school and college kids and it’s really pretty cool, Kara. Wouldn’t you please just give it a try? Just this once? And if you don’t like it, I’ll never ask you to come again.”
“Meaning that you plan to keep asking me until I give it a try.”
“Something like that.”
“And it’ll get you off my back if I come tonight?”
“Yeah.”
I consider this and for whatever reason I finally agree to go. I think it’s mostly to shut him up. I mean, I like having Edgar for my friend, but I just wish he’d put a lid on the religious stuff.
“Great. I’ll pick you up a little before seven.”
So it’s all settled. I am going with Edgar Peebles, class nerd, to a Bible study at a church. Just when I thought Kara Hendricks had sunk about as low as she could get. Go figure.
It’s not until I’m sitting next to Edgar on this long, lumpy blue sofa that I realize I never bothered to brush my hair, let alone my teeth. Not that I cared earlier, since it’s only a Bible study for heaven’s sake! But then when I get here and see all these kids who look fairly normal and almost cool, I begin to feel a bit self-conscious at my lack of personal hygiene, not to mention fashion sense. Now that’s pretty weird.
So I sit here pretending that I’m just another lump in the sofa as I listen to this guy named Mike speaking. And to my surprise some of the things he’s saying make sense. It’s like he’s talking to me, like he knows how I’m feeling inside.
“You see, God designed us to feel lonely,” Mike’s saying. “And it seems like a bad thing at first, but it’s really not. God created this space, this vacuum, inside of us that will always feel empty and void and aching. So naturally we try to fill this space up. We might try to fill it with activities or even material things. But usually we try to fill it with friends or romantic relationships. But whatever we fill it with will eventually let us down. Then we become lonelier than ever.”
I glance over at Edgar now, wondering if he told Mike about me so that he could preach a sermon targeted at the new girl. But Edgar looks oblivious as he listens intently, as if Mike is directing this little sermon to him. Then Mike begins telling us about a time in high school when he thought he was in love with this girl. They went together for three years then she broke up and broke his heart.
“I thought I was going to die,” he says, and I can hear him choking up a bit. “It’s still hard to talk about, but I think I need to share this.” He pauses to take a sip of coffee now. “You see, I had tried to fill that void inside of me with Sarah. And I suppose it put a lot of pressure on our relationship. It’s like I was looking to her for everything. I thought all my fulfillment in life was supposed to come from her. I guess it’s no wonder that she broke up with me.” He smiles now and I wonder why any girl in her right mind would break up with this great-looking guy.
“Anyway,” he continues. “I was totally crushed when she broke up. I didn’t want to do anything or see anyone. I guess I was pretty depressed, but it eventually turned me back to God. And it wasn’t long before I realized that I had been trying to put Sarah in the place that is designed for only God to fill. When I invited Jesus into my heart, I realized that he was the one I needed to go to for my fulfillment. He is the only one who can make that space inside of me whole. For the first time in my life I understood that God made a special space inside of me for Jesus to fill. And now Jesus really is my best friend.”
I glance over at Edgar again and this time he is smiling and nodding. I can tell that he totally relates. It’s what he was basically telling me the other day. Only I suppose it makes more sense now.
Mike continues talking about how he knows God is going to bring the perfect girl into his life someday, but that it will be different. He won’t be expecting her to be his everything anymore. “She’ll have to be in second place to Jesus,” he continues. “But that second place is actually a higher position than where I’d put Sarah, because it’s the right position. It’s like everything is in order, in its proper place.” He glances around the room now, making eye contact with each kid there.
Well, except for me, because I quickly look down when he comes to the lumpy blue sofa. I’m afraid he’s going to ask us something individually, like he’s looking for some kind o
f a personal response here, which I am frankly not into. I do not wish to be subjected to coercion or to become a public spectacle. I think I would walk out if that happened.
But fortunately this doesn’t seem to be his plan. “I know that you guys can relate to this. Because I know that you realize you are made this same way. Now some of you have already filled this empty void with God and you are living happier and more fulfilled lives. Oh, I know that it’s not all perfect, but it’s a whole lot better than before. Right?” And most of the kids say “right” or “amen.”
Then Mike continues. “But some of you are still struggling with that lonely emptiness. You are still trying to fill that space, maybe it’s with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or whatever you think it will take to make your life happy. And like I said, there’s nothing wrong with those things. In their proper places. But they will never fit or fill the space that God designed for Jesus to live in. Until you invite Jesus into your heart, you will always be striving for something else. Something or someone newer, better, nicer. But, believe me, you’ll never find it. Not until you find Jesus.”
Now Mike is opening a big, black leather Bible. “I’m going to read you something from the book of Revelation. This is an open invitation that Jesus offers to all of us. It’s in chapter three, verse twenty. Listen. ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.’”
Mike pauses now, looking around the room again. This time I don’t look down. I am too interested in what he’s going to say next. “This invitation that Jesus offers might sound strange to you at first. I mean, here he is, saying that he wants to come inside of you and to eat and drink. You might be thinking, what’s up with that? But think about it for a minute. Isn’t that what friends do together? I mean, if you’re really comfortable with each other it’s no big deal to grab a burger together or share a pizza. In fact, it’s a fun way to spend time with someone you like. Think about it: Would you enjoy sharing a meal with someone you can’t stand? So, what Jesus is saying is, hey, I want to be your friend. I want to be part of your life. I’m knocking on your door. Why don’t you let me come in?”
Now, to my total surprise, I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks. I look down at my lap and take in a deep breath. What’s going on here?
“Let’s pray,” Mike is saying now. “Dear Jesus, thank you for loving us so much that you want to be an intimate part of our lives. Thank you that you enjoy our company so much that you want to spend lots and lots of time with us. Thank you for wanting to become our best friend. Thank you for laying down your life just so that you could be part of ours. Amen.”
Fortunately, I have a chance to dry my tears while Mike is praying. Still, I think something is going on inside of me. I don’t know how to describe it, but I have this sense that maybe Jesus really is knocking on my heart. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I came here tonight. But I’m just not sure what to do next. Where do I go from here?
Kids are moving around now. Some are helping themselves to more donuts and coffee and apple cider. But I’m just standing by the door, part of me wishing that Edgar was ready to leave and part of me wanting to do something. I’m just not sure what.
“This is Kara,” says Edgar to Mike now.
“Hi, Kara,” says Mike. “Mike Greyson. Glad you could join us. So what do you think of our little Bible study group?”
“I’m not sure,” I say. “It’s all kind of new to me.”
He nods. “That’s cool. Do you have any questions about anything you heard tonight?”
I consider this. “Well, sort of.”
He smiles. “Go ahead, shoot away. I can even handle criticism if that’s where you’re going.”
“No, that’s not it. I guess I’m just wondering, I mean if all that you said is true, then how do you go about this thing? How do you open the door and let Jesus come inside. I mean, like, where’s the doorknob?”
This makes Mike laugh. But not in a mean way. “That is a great question. Where’s the doorknob?” He scratches his head now as if he’s really trying to figure this out. “First of all, I’d say it’s on the inside. And the nature of a doorknob is that you have to grab onto it and turn it to make it open. It’s not going to open by itself, is it?”
I shake my head, although I’m not totally sure I’m following him here.
“So you have to make a choice, Kara. You have to decide whether or not you want to actually reach for that doorknob and open the door. If you really want to open the door, then you simply make that choice. And then you invite Jesus to come inside of you. And once you’ve done that, your life will never be the same again. Right, Edgar?”
Edgar nods now. “Yeah, that’s what happened with me.”
“Me too,” says a girl named Chelsea that I vaguely know from school. “I’ve been a Christian for about a year now and it just keeps getting better and better.”
“You guys make it sound so easy,” I say with uncertainty. “Don’t you ever have doubts about any of this?”
“Of course,” says Mike. “Faith is like this journey you’re taking. It has its ups and downs. You get attacked by doubt sometimes. But each time you face it and continue moving forward, you just get stronger.”
Several others join in now, telling of various doubts and struggles they’ve experienced and how they eventually conquered them. All in all, it’s quite a convincing act. Not that I think it’s an act exactly. Actually I think these kids are sincere. I even think that what they’re saying is probably true. And it’s obviously the right thing for them. But does that really mean it’s the right thing for me?
I stew over all these things as Edgar drives me home in his uncle’s old black Caddie again. The rain is pouring down in sheets now and the windshield wipers are swiping back and forth at an amazing speed.
“Thanks for coming with me tonight,” he says when we reach the apartment complex. “I hope you’re not feeling confused by all this.”
I shrug. “I’m not sure what I’m feeling, Edgar.”
He smiles. “Well, I’ll be praying for you.”
I don’t know whether to thank him or not. But I say goodnight and dash through the pouring rain toward the apartment.
Fortunately, Mom and Bree are glued to the TV, watching some new reality show that looks pretty stupid if you ask me. I tell them goodnight and head straight for my room. I peel off my soggy sweatshirt and kick off my wet shoes then sit down on my bed and try to figure out exactly what I’m feeling right now.
I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. I do this several times, hoping to clear my thoughts and calm my head. For some reason, tonight has stirred up all sorts of emotions in me. And I’m just not sure whether it’s a good thing or not. As I sit, I begin to realize that there is one predominate feeling that keeps rising to the surface. It is a longing.
Longing.
It’s not a word I normally use. But I know that it’s the right one. I am longing for something. Or rather someone. I am longing for someone to accept me and love me and to be my best friend. I guess I’ve known this all along. But for some reason it seems even more urgent tonight.
I think that I am longing for Jesus. But even as these thoughts pass through my mind, I am questioning it. How can this be? I don’t know anything about Jesus. Why would I suddenly long for him to come inside of me? Have I been brainwashed?
I take in a few more deep breaths and attempt once more to calm myself. But the longing remains. It is not going away.
“I stand at the door and knock . . . ” To my surprise, I remember those words, and I suddenly envision Jesus standing out in the pouring rain just patiently knocking on my door. I know how it feels to be standing on the outside, just wishing someone would open the door and let you in. I know about the frustration of waiting and hoping that your friend will change her mind and open the door and say, “Hey, come on in! What have you been waiting for?” I know the disa
ppointment when it doesn’t happen.
And suddenly I know that I don’t want to do that to Jesus. And I don’t want him to do it to me. So I imagine myself reaching for that doorknob and giving it a twist as I pull open the door.
Then to my surprise, I actually say, out loud, “Come on in, Jesus.” I take in a quick breath. “Come inside and make yourself at home.”
Then I sit and wait and soon I am crying again, but these seem to be happy tears. And a warm feeling begins to flow through me, almost like a gentle rush of electrical current and I realize that I’ve done it. I’ve really done it! I’ve invited Jesus into my heart. And he is really here.
I’m not sure if anyone else would call it praying, but I think that’s what I’m doing now. I am thanking Jesus for loving me and coming to live inside of me. And before long I am telling him about how lonely I’ve been and how hurt I’ve been and by the time I go to bed, I feel so much better.
It’s almost scary feeling this good. Because I’m afraid it won’t last. I’m afraid that when I get up tomorrow morning I’ll feel just as bummed as I felt this afternoon. I’m scared to death that it will all just fade away and I’ll be the same old lonely Kara Hendricks that I was before. And quite honestly, I just don’t know if I can handle it.
twenty-two
TO MY COMPLETE SURPRISE, I WOKE UP QUITE EARLY THIS MORNING AND I actually felt happy. It’s kind of weird too, since I really haven’t felt happy in weeks. And I don’t think it’s my birthday or anything special. It takes me a minute or two before I realize what’s going on. Then I remember how I invited Jesus into my heart last night, right here in my own bedroom.
Then I feel this cool rush of excitement. And not only do I feel happy, but I feel unexpectedly energetic too. So, I pull on my sweats and lace up my running shoes and I zip outside for a quick run. The sky is gray and there are puddles everywhere, but I feel elated as I leap and jump over them. It almost feels like I can fly!
Dark Blue: Color Me Lonely with Bonus Content Page 13