“That’s a lovely sentiment. Are you sure?” Julia said gently.
“I am.” He gave her one of those looks reminiscent of the teen years, meant to communicate that she was out of her mind.
“I only mean to suggest, Soleil’s a strong-willed woman with her own mind about things. You may want to consider taking your time, letting this news sink in, before charging ahead with a plan of action.”
“I know, Mom. I know. I simply can’t imagine the thought of my own child growing up without me there to help raise him or her.”
“And that’s a beautiful thing about you, West.”
He shrugged, as if to shake off her compliment. She knew her son better than he realized. And she knew he wouldn’t settle for anything less than a hero’s effort in this situation.
But sometimes, what was called for was more finesse and thoughtfulness, instead of a soldier’s boldness.
“Just go slowly. This is big, life-altering stuff, but you’ve got time to figure things out.”
She could see by his expression he wanted to argue with her, but to his credit, he nodded, and she could see her advice sinking in. She’d always loved that about West-that he had the rare ability to listen, when he wasn’t barging forward with his agenda.
Soleil and West, having a baby together…by accident. It wasn’t anything like the future she’d imagined for her son, but she could see the glimmers of a really beautiful life for them, if they could move past their differences long enough to let love take hold.
And Julia, for her part, would do whatever she could to help things along in the right direction.
CHAPTER FIVE
TWO DAYS HAD PASSED since she’d broken the news to West, and Soleil hadn’t yet heard from him. The silence, frankly, was making her nervous. Was he just taking his time absorbing the news, or was he preparing to launch an attack on her life, some kind of conquer-and-occupy scenario? The longer he went without contacting her, the more she believed the latter. Did she really have the fortitude to stand up to him in a win-at-all-costs battle?
Thank goodness she only had two more days until her current batch of kids would go home, and the farm would shut down for winter break. She could hardly wait. Usually she hated to see them leave, but, with everything else going on, keeping up with them, overseeing their work and refereeing their battles all seemed to require too much of her limited stamina.
Soleil sat down at the computer, opened her Web browser and logged into her e-mail account. She was exhausted, and she hoped like crazy that she wouldn’t have any urgent business e-mail waiting to be dealt with.
Twenty-two new messages appeared, about half of which were junk. She set about deleting those, while scanning the subject lines of the relevant ones. One from her mother, ugh. One from the farm’s development coordinator, which was likely urgent since it concerned a deadline for a grant they were applying for.
She opened it, scanned the message and decided it could wait until morning when she had a clearer head to write coherently.
Next she opened her mother’s message with a sense of obligation. They hadn’t been in contact for far too long. In fact, Soleil hadn’t exactly gotten around to telling her mother she was pregnant, and now her guilt was growing by the day. There wasn’t any simple way to explain away her silence. At least she’d sort of had an excuse with West.
Hi, Soleil,
Are you still alive? I haven’t heard from you in ages. Did I mention my latest book will be out in two months? Will you be coming to visit for the holidays? I was hoping to spend a little time with you before I go on tour to promote the book. My publicist has four months’ worth of readings and college speaking engagements lined up for me, and who knows if I’ll survive.
Love, Mom
That was her mother’s morbid sense of humor talking-amazing how she managed to work two death references into one casual e-mail. Former U.S. Poet Laureate Anne Bishop had never been known for her lightness of heart.
Soleil yawned and clicked Reply. Dealing with West over the holidays was about as much emotional turmoil as she could handle right now. She’d better let her mom know now that she was going to stay here for the Christmas festivities, so Anne could make alternate plans.
Hi, Mom,
Sorry you haven’t heard from me. I’ve been busy and exhausted-which leads me to the news I have. I’m sorry to say I won’t be visiting during the holidays. Maybe I’ll make it down right after the new year, but for now I need the time to rest. I’ve had a particularly demanding group of kids this session. Congrats on the book release, by the way!
Love, S
There.
She was still unofficially the worst daughter in northern California for not telling her mom she was pregnant, but she’d have to sort that out after Christmas. For now, she was relieved to have one less holiday thing to think about.
Why was she so reluctant to tell people?
It was a question she’d been avoiding for months. Avoidance-her new hobby, apparently. And it went beyond any embarrassment in admitting she was reneging in her I-don’t-want-kids stance. As she stared at the computer screen, at the long column of e-mail messages she still needed to read and respond to, the question wouldn’t leave her alone.
Why?
The baby was going to arrive, regardless of whether she told the people who needed to know. But that wasn’t an excuse.
The baby was going to arrive, and it was going to transform her into someone new, just as her body was being transformed now. She wasn’t even sure if she was going to like her new self. She certainly wasn’t all that crazy about her new, rotund body, with its awkwardness and quickly shrinking mobility.
She feared her life was going to morph the same way. She’d go from the ease of singledom to the difficulty of single parenthood. And no one knew that difficulty better than her mother, even if she liked to claim she’d had no problems raising her daughter alone.
Telling Anne, telling West, telling the world-it amounted to admitting that she was about to give up life as she knew it.
Although she’d never imagined herself being happy about an unplanned pregnancy, in the moments after she’d seen the plus sign appear on her home pregnancy kit, Soleil had felt all sorts of unexpected emotions. Bewilderment had given way to hope. She hadn’t been horrified. She’d been excited. She hadn’t been depressed. She’d been happy. And she’d known without a moment’s doubt that she wanted the baby. In that initial rush of excitement though, she’d failed to weigh all the consequences that had begun to weigh on her as the months passed and her changing body made her shifting reality more and more clear.
As much as she embraced the idea of having her baby, she was terrified of losing herself.
There. She’d admitted it. Not sure what to do with that fact, but she felt as if she could breathe a little easier now.
The sound of toenails clicking against wooden floors was a welcome distraction. She looked down to find Silas next to her, which reminded her of the thing she’d been promising herself she’d do with Tonio all day. She glanced at the clock-it was nine, so he’d still be awake.
The kids were expected to be in bed by ten, and after 9:00 p.m. was quiet reading time.
Soleil tugged gently on the dog’s collar.
“Lie down,” she commanded, and Silas did as she asked.
She stood. “Stay.” The dog’s muscles twitched, wanting to follow her. “No,” she said. “Stay.”
As she turned and left the room, he stayed still. His mournful gaze said he didn’t like the situation, but he wasn’t going to disobey.
She closed the door to the study-the coziest, most comforting room in the house-and went off in search of Tonio. She found him in the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water.
“Hey,” she said, “I need to show you something in my office.”
He took a long drink, put the glass down, then followed her out of the kitchen. When they reached the closed study door, he hesitated.
&nb
sp; “What’s in there?” he said.
It was time to work on his fear of dogs.
“My dog, Silas, is in there lying down. I’m going to go inside and hold on tight to his collar. I want you to come in and get used to being near him.”
But Tonio was already shaking his head and backing away. “No way. I’m outta here.”
She placed a hand on his arm. “Tonio. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, okay? Do you believe me about that?”
He looked at her warily, his huge brown eyes half concealed by overgrown bangs that gave him a bit of a sheepdog look himself.
“An important thing to understand about dogs is that they can be trained to behave well. Silas is very well trained. As long as I’ve had him, he’s never disobeyed me. If I tell him to stay, he’ll stay. He won’t come near you unless I allow him to.”
He looked away and shrugged, trying hard to show that he didn’t give a damn about her dog’s obedience training.
“Were you hurt by a dog?” she asked.
His eyes flashed fear as he looked at her then looked away again. “Yeah,” he half choked out.
“Will you tell me what happened?”
Silence.
She sighed. “You don’t have to, but it might help.”
More silence. But Soleil could be patient. Finally, standing her ground with the awkward silence paid off.
“I was little,” he started, trying to appear cooler than he actually was. “Maybe four years old, and my family’s dog attacked me one day when I got too near his food bowl while he was eating.”
She let her hand slide down his arm to his hand, which she held tight, hoping he’d feel safe to keep talking.
“That must have been terrifying,” she said when he went silent.
“I don’t remember that much about it anymore. I remember it hurt a lot, and the dog’s mouth…it looked so much scarier with blood on its muzzle. White fur, all stained with blood.”
She could see from this distance in his gaze that he’d gone there mentally.
“How did you get away from the dog?”
“My mom found us and pulled him off me.”
“Is that how you got the scar on your neck?”
He nodded. “I almost died from the attack.”
Soleil frowned, unable to produce any adequate words.
“So now you see why I’m not going anywhere near that dog.”
“I understand how terrified you are of dogs, and you have good reason to be.”
He smirked, waiting for her but.
“It must be scary going through everyday life, when there are so many dogs around.”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
“When you applied to come here for the internship, did you see the part in the brochure about my dog?”
Tonio shrugged. “Yeah, but I figured…I don’t know. I thought you’d keep him away from me.”
“Maybe some part of you knew you needed to get used to having a dog around.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“An important part of this farm is Silas. He helps keep things running properly-and he’s very unhappy when he doesn’t have his job to do.”
Tonio looked doubtful at this bit of information.
“It’s true. And I want you to do me a favor.”
“What?”
“I was a social worker before I started running this farm, and I’ve worked a few times with kids who’ve suffered from fear of dogs.”
“Yeah, so?”
“I want you to trust me that I know how to help you be comfortable around dogs again.”
“I don’t want to be comfortable around dogs. It ain’t like I’m getting me a pet pit bull or anything.”
“No, but you do want to complete your internship, right?”
“The week’s almost over, and I don’t really care.”
That, Soleil knew, was an outright lie. Judging by his application essay and his strong sense of right and wrong, Tonio was a community activist in the making. He’d be a great advocate for Urban Garden.
“Then why are you here?”
He shrugged again. “I thought it would be fun, but it’s kind of lame.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Fair enough, but as long as you’re here, I’d like to help you get more comfortable around dogs.”
He started shaking his head, but she said, “Do you trust me?”
“Sort of, I guess.”
“I want you to spend five minutes with me in this room.” She placed her hand on the closed door of the study.
“Why?”
“Because Silas is in there, and he’s lying down, and he won’t get up or even come near you unless I allow him to, and I won’t, okay?”
“No way.”
“Just five minutes, okay? I want to show you a few things about dogs that will help you in the future.”
He sighed. “You promise he’ll stay away from me?”
“Promise.”
He stood there, resigned, waiting for her to open the door, so she did. Inside the room, Silas lay just where she’d left him, his tail wagging deliriously to see her again.
“Stay,” she said again, and his tail slowed to a stop.
She went in ahead of Tonio and kept her body between him and the dog’s. She crossed the room, sat next to Silas and took hold of his collar.
“Have a seat there on the sofa,” she said to Tonio.
Nervously, he edged into the room, his gaze never leaving the dog’s.
“While I’m holding on to Silas, I want you to come closer when you feel comfortable.”
Tonio looked from her to the dog and back again. “If the dog’s so obedient, why do you have to hold on to him?”
“I don’t. He’ll stay where he is until I tell him he can move, but I thought you might be more comfortable with me here holding him.”
“This is stupid,” he said. “Sitting here with a dog isn’t going to make me like dogs again.”
“I don’t expect it to.”
Instead of arguing further though, he stood and took a step closer, then another, then another. His movements were halting, and he seemed embarrassed to have her observing the whole thing.
“You’re doing great,” she said quietly. “Just kneel right here when you feel ready.” She patted the ground next to her, a few feet from the dog.
Tonio dropped to his knees, then sat stiffly, staring at the dog with a look of absolute terror.
“You’re okay,” she said. “He’s going to stay right where he is, and I’m going to have him roll onto his back.”
“On your back,” she said to Silas, loosening her grip on the collar, and he rolled.
The dog peered at them from his upside-down position, tongue lolling from the side of his mouth, paws bent in the air.
Tonio laughed a little. “He looks kinda silly like that.”
Soleil rubbed the dog’s belly and chest. “Yeah, he does. This is the dog’s submissive posture. When he’s like this, he can’t hurt anyone, but others can hurt him.”
“So that’s why it’s the submissive posture.”
“Yep. When dogs meet each other, or sometimes when they meet people, and they want to show that they’re trying to be friends, sometimes they’ll flop onto their backs like this.”
“Like their surrender flag?”
“They’re telling the other dog that he or she is in charge.”
Tonio watched the dog, a little more curious now than guarded. “I guess I’ve seen dogs do that.”
“Dogs really care a lot about the social order. They need to know who is in charge all the time, and when they do, they’re much happier, more well-behaved dogs.”
“I don’t think my brother’s dog ever knew who was in charge.”
“It’s hard to know why he attacked you. But we can help you feel confident around dogs so that when you are with them, they know you’re in charge.”
“That doesn’t mean they won’t bite.”
“No, yo
u’re right. But every dog and every situation is different. Let’s consider this dog, right now. Do you think he’s going to bite you?”
“He might.”
“I’ve had him for six years, and he’s never bitten anyone. It’s not likely he’ll do so now.”
Tonio looked doubtful.
“Silas knows I’m the alpha dog here. I’m going to put my hand over his muzzle, and when I do, I’d like you to reach out and touch him.”
“Hell, no.”
“How about just on his tail?”
He half smiled. “This is still stupid.”
She put her hand over Silas’s mouth, and nodded at Tonio.
He reached out, slowly, slowly, and his hand grazed the very end of Silas’s slowly thumping tail. As soon as he touched him and nothing happened, Tonio grew a bit bolder and moved his hand higher, to the dog’s haunch. He gave Silas a tentative pat, then pulled his hand away, looking proud of himself.
Soleil smiled. “Great,” she said. “You did great.”
Tonio’s gaze remained glued on the dog.
“I think that’s enough progress for one day, don’t you?” she continued.
He finally looked up at her with frightened puppy-dog eyes. “Can I go now?”
“Sure, but I want you to meet me again tomorrow, same time, same place. Deal?”
“Yeah, okay, whatever,” he said as he hurried out of the room.
Soleil gave the dog a hard rub on his ears. “Good boy, Si.”
She could relate to Tonio. His fear of dogs wasn’t so different than her fear of West. Both of them had valid reasons for being afraid.
She put her hand on her belly, where a fluttering sensation had started, and she thought of West. He hadn’t felt the baby’s movements the way she had, hadn’t had the time to let the reality of impending parenthood even settle on him yet. She’d really been a jerk to keep the truth from him for so long, and she felt horrible about it now.
She owed him the time to process his new reality and decide how he wanted to be involved. Even if the waiting was akin to torture.
CHAPTER SIX
FRIDAY AFTERNOON, Soleil was waving goodbye to her last batch of interns for the year. She still hadn’t heard from West, and her anxiety was moving into the panicked range.
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