by Jaci J
We stay in companionable silence for a while. Em is humming quietly to herself while I stand here, enjoying the sound of her voice.
“You wrote that.” It’s not really a question. The melody sounds like Emerson. Low, slow, and sexy. Blues and R&B were always her thing.
“Mmm,” she hums back while keeping the tune, never letting the song fall away.
This is what happiness is. It’s been a long time, but I remember it now that I’ve got it within my grasp again.
The sun is just starting to set, falling behind the never-ending expanse of blacktop in front of us. We’re having an Indian summer, the heat still holding on late into the year.
“Zac, would you do something for me?” Hell, I’d do anything for her.
“Yeah.”
Hopping down, she lands gracefully on her feet next to me. Wearing a long black skirt and a tiny crop top, she’s the picture of sexy.
Holding a multicolored nail painted hand out to me, she waits patiently for me to give in to what we both already know. “Come with me.”
“Where?” I ask, even as I take her hand, ready to follow her to the ends of the earth.
Pulling me towards the parking lot, she smiles. “Anywhere.”
I follow her, crossing that line.
We’re chasing the sunset. Racing the clouds. Following the Pacific.
“We’re gonna miss it,” I tell Zac, looking out the window of his truck.
“Babe, if I go any faster, we’re gonna get pulled over and really miss it.”
Babe.
My heart doubles it’s unsteady pace. Babe, a word I haven’t heard in years. Such an easy thing to say, but with such a huge impact. Was it on purpose? Probably not, but I’ll take it and keep it.
“Do you care?” I ask, lifting a challenging brow at the handsome man driving like mad down the two-lane highway.
He chuckles softly, shaking his head. “Nah. Not really.” It wouldn’t be his first go-round with the police.
Twisting in my seat, I look at him and I don’t care if he sees me doing it. Zac is so handsome. Not in the classical sense. He’s more real—more raw. Hard where he needs to be and soft where it counts.
“Starin’ at me isn’t gonna get us there faster,” he says, shooting me a sideways glance. I can’t help myself. It’s been far too many years since I’ve gotten the privilege of staring at him. So much more than an unhurried look or stolen glance.
“You watch the road and I’ll watch you.”
Zac barks out a laugh, a sound I hadn’t realized I missed so much until hearing it again. It’s a sound that reminds me of us, our youth.
“You’re gonna get us killed.”
“Don’t wreck, and we’ll be good.”
“That’s not what I’m talkin’ about,” he says quietly. Nadia. She’s going to kill him when—if she hasn’t already—figured out he’s left with me.
~~~~~~
“Looks different up here.”
Everything is overgrown. The grass hits about mid-thigh, and the trees are full of blooms. The old workshop down the road is rusted out and caving in.
“It’s been ten years,” I tell him over my shoulder. What’d he expect?
Sucking in a lungful of air, I’m overwhelmed with the smell of the salty air, the crisp bite of evergreens, and the spice of Zac behind me.
I sigh like a fool—happy.
The bridge sways with the wind, the wood rocking gently in the waves.
Climbing to the top of the old train bridge, we reach the little woodhouse on top, both of us plopping down, feet dangling off the side.
“Shit, that was a climb.”
“You’re gettin’ old,” I tease him. If anything, Zac’s only gotten better with age, but it’s always fun to give him hell.
Grabbing a stray lock of my hair, he tugs on it and mutters, “Is that a gray hair I see?”
“Hilarious, funny guy.” Batting his hand away, I settle in as close as I can to him, getting comfortable.
Looking down the river towards the mouth of the bay, we catch the last minutes of the sun setting. The entire sky is a brilliant mix of bright pink, deep purple, and a soft yellow. The tiniest bit of the sun sits on the edge of the ocean, a crisp orange exploding from the waves. And all of its surrounded by blues of every shade.
It’s beautiful.
It’s perfect.
Zac leans into my side and sighs heavily. “Are we chasing the sun, Em?” His voice is soft and easy, a tone he used to use when he loved me more than he loved anything on this earth.
“Yeah. I just wanted more with you.” Before this all crumbles and falls apart. I needed one more with him.
“Been a long damn time since I stopped and watched.”
“Why?” How could anyone not stop and appreciate each and every sunset?
“You want the easy answer or the real one?” He asks, throwing my words back at me.
“Real. Always real.”
“Every damn time I would catch a sunset it would remind me of you.” He doesn’t need to elaborate. I get it. He couldn’t watch them anymore.
Watching the sun fall below the surface, Zac leaning into me and me leaning into him, I reminisce. Sixteen, stupid, and in love. I lived life recklessly back then.
With a stolen bottle of cheap wine clutched in my hand, I crawl up the ladder, one handed and barefoot, Zac following close behind me. My perfect prom dress is mud stained and tattered.
“Stop lookin’ back at me, Em,” he growls, giving my ass a little shove with his big hand.
“Shut up. I’ll look at you if I want to,” I snap. Whipping my head back to look at him, I sway, light-headed from the cheap liquor.
“You keep lookin’, you’re gonna fall off this damn thing and kill yourself.”
“I’ll die happy ’cause we’re together.”
I manage to make it up the forty-foot ladder, but barely. Zac kept one hand on my ass, helping me up, while I managed to keep one of mine attached to the bottle.
Both of us collapse on the small wooden platform. Zac pulls me on top of him, my legs falling around his hips.
“You looked beautiful tonight,” he tells me, pushing a strand of curls out of my eyes.
“And I don’t now?” I ask, joking.
“You’re a mess, baby.”
Looking down into his eyes, I know there is no way in hell I’ll ever get tired of staring into them. I’m dangerously in love.
I wake up every morning dying to see him, and I fall asleep every night worried sick it’ll be my last time. Every second in between is filled with moments spent together, thinking about being together, and plans for our future.
“You love me?” he prods, his voice gruff and deep. Burying his face in my neck, he kisses the spot right below my ear and I shiver. “Emerson, you love me?” His voice sounds deeper, more urgent.
“Yes,” I whisper around a moan. His hand trails up my back and wraps around my neck.
Heart racing, stomach in knots, and my body buzzing, I know Zac is it for me, and I feel crazy with it.
First love is like a fever. It burns you from the inside out. It’s an inescapable heat that consumes your entire being. It’s fierce and it’s powerful, and it rocks you to your core.
“How you doin’ over there?” Zac questions, his voice deep but thoughtful. His eyes are still on the ocean as the words leave his mouth.
“Good. How you doin’?”
“Thinkin’ about you jumpin’ off this thing,” he laughs. “You scared the fuck outta me.”
Laughing with him, I think about it too.
“Em, you can’t jump off this shit.” Oh, but I can, and I will.
I want to test my limits and push the boundaries. Something about Zac makes me reckless. It could be because he’s always there to catch me when I fall. He’s my backbone, my support.
Teetering on the edge, I look over my shoulder at him. He’s antsy, ready to grab me before I leap.
“You’re gonna
fuckin’ kill yourself,” he warns me. His eyes are as big as the moon when he pins me with a warning glare.
“I’ll be fine.”
Feet on the edge, I rock back on my heels with my heart in my mouth and my hands in the air. “Your wild heart is gonna give mine a goddamn heart attack,” he declares, reaching for me. “Don’t, Emerson.”
Smiling at his concerned face, I blow him a kiss and leap into the night air.
My dress billows out around me as the cold misty air hits my skin.
I fall.
And fall.
“Emerson!” Zac’s voice fades as I hit the water. The cold takes my breath away, but I keep my lips sealed as I slip deeper into the darkness for what feels like an eternity.
I start kicking for the surface. I swim hard as the water sucks me deeper into its black nothingness.
Bursting through the dark blue surface I smile, feeling invincible.
I look up to show him I did it, and that’s when I see he’s jumped too, and he’s coming in fast.
Watching from the surface, I see his eyes are closed tight and his arms at his sides. He slips beneath the water, then resurfaces a few feet away from me.
“Fuck, Emerson!” Blowing out water from his mouth, he paddles right for me. He’s worried, but he shouldn’t be. “You scared the shit out of me.” Grabbing me around the waist, he hauls my wet body into his and I wrap my legs around him. “Why’d you jump?”
“Because when I’m with you, I feel like I can fly.”
“Fuck,” Zac groans, rubbing a hand over his hair. “If something would have happened…”
“I’m always good. You’ve got me.”
“Yeah,” he mumbles, pulling me close so we’re shoulder to shoulder. “I’ve always got you, Em.”
Sighing, I wrap my arm in his, laying my head on his shoulder.
“I know.” This is where I’m supposed to be. “I’ve missed this so much.”
Zac looks down at me and smiles. “I’ve missed it too.”
Silence takes up the space between us, but it’s a content silence. There’s nothing but the sound of the waves, the rocking of the train bridge, and the wind in the trees.
I feel at peace.
I feel at home.
But the peace doesn’t last long. His phone begins to buzz, and I feel him stiffen.
“Fuck! I’ve gotta answer it.”
I shrug, not knowing what to say. What can I say?
Ugly bitterness snakes through my veins. My hand itches to snatch his phone from him and chuck it into the river just to keep him a little longer.
“Yeah?” he answers, and instantly I hear shrill chatter on the line. “Listen, Nadia—” he cuts in, but stops short. “Yeah, okay.” He nods, listening for a while.
Hanging up his phone, he squeezes it in a white knuckled fist. He shifts, leaning away from me.
“Zac?”
“She knows I’m with you and she’s pissed, but she’s more pissed that I left with her purse in my truck.” Shaking his head, he looks back down at his phone and frowns.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, meaning it. I’m a mess, and I always seem to leave it wherever I go.
“Don’t be. I wanted to come with you.” His serious eyes soften slightly when he looks into mine. “I needed one more sunset with you too.”
I haven’t seen Emerson since the other night, which is probably a good thing. My head’s not right, and my heart is even more screwed up.
One minute I want nothing more than to be with her, and the next I don’t know what I want.
Sitting on that bridge with her changed things.
I spent all day Friday up on the mountain, clearing out a section of timber and trying to keep busy. Friday night was spent drinking, trying to keep my mind busy.
I tried not to think about her, but I failed. Spent a good deal of time questioning and thinking anyways. Playing out my past with different outcomes. Playing out my future with and without Emerson. Analyzed the shit out of everything in between that has sent the last ten years of my life into a downward spiral, wondering where the fuck I went wrong. Wondering how I got here, alone, dateless at a damn wedding.
I’m fucking pathetic.
“Sorry I ducked out on you Thursday,” I mutter, finally getting a second to talk to the groom. It’s been pictures, greetings, and general mayhem today, all of which I’ve tried to avoid.
Looking back at me through the little hallway mirror, Luke shrugs while fixing his tie. “It’s cool. You and Em okay?” Temporarily? No? Yes? How do I answer that?
I don’t say much. All I know is it feels fucking good to be with her, right or wrong.
“We’re all right.”
“How’s Nadia?” My brother asks, slinging an arm over my shoulders, a sly look in his eyes. “She was mad as fuck the other night.” No shit. I got an get an earful when I fell into bed with her later that night.
“Fine.” I don’t elaborate. I don’t tell him how Nadia was pissed at me for making her look foolish, or that she was even more pissed off about being left at the bowling alley with my friends. Friends she feels are below her. She’s never once tried to fit in with them, no matter how accepting and welcoming they’ve been towards her. She’s always kept to herself when she was around them, but I assumed it was because she didn’t want to get attached, thinking it easier to leave them behind if things didn’t pan out for us. Boy, was I so wrong.
“I’m always pulling for you and Em,” Luke says, a chipper smile on his face. His opinion means shit to me today. He’s getting married. The bastard is overly happy. Too happy to have any sound judgment.
“Thanks.” Sounds stupid, but I say it anyways. I was pulling for us too.
“Gotta be honest with you, Zac. I figured it’d be you gettin’ married first,” Luke cuts in, looking at me. The right words elude me so I don’t say anything, nodding my head instead.
“You ready for this, man?” I ask him, changing the subject. I’m nervous for him. Marriage is a big goddamn commitment.
Standing in the hallway outside the double church doors, I give Luke one final pull from the flask before it’s showtime. Coughing hard, he runs the back of his hand across his mouth.
“Fuck yeah. Never wanted anything more.”
Nodding, I watch him go. I can relate. Ten years ago I wanted nothing more too.
~~~~~~
I know nothing about weddings, but there’s not a dry eye in house, and I’m guessing that’s a good thing.
Standing off to the side of Luke, I stare at my shoes for a minute, feeling completely out of place up here by the alter. A cheesy love song croons in the background, and flower girls giggle from the front row pew. Someone sobs quietly a few rows back, and the photographer crouches down right in the middle of the aisle, snapping away as Holly walks into the room, looking beautiful.
Emerson is watching me with a smile on her lips.
Anger crawls up my neck, threatening to choke me when I see her happy, in her pretty black dress.
This should’ve been us.
Emerson holds my stare and a million emotions flash across her face. Everything from sadness, happiness, regret, and defeat. She’s looking to me, but for what? An explanation? A solution to the pain I know she’s feeling? Does she want me to hold her hand and tell her it’ll all work out in the end? Tell her that what’s meant to be will be? It’s all bullshit. Nothing worked out and everything fell to shit.
It’s her goddamn fault the two of us are sitting this one out.
Anger keeps bubbling in my chest. I’m angry that I’m standing up here in this goddamn monkey suit. Angry I still love the woman smiling weakly at me. And angry she’s not wearing my ring.
This should have been us.
My skin tingles with awareness. Heat crawls up my neck and into my cheeks, coloring them a lovely shade of red. Shifting on the stool, I feel my knees tremble under the soft chiffon of my dress. Squirming around again, I fidget with my guitar strap, trying
to keep my antsy hands busy.
I can physically feel Zac’s stare on me and it’s not helping. His intense gaze is penetrating all the way into my soul, breaking it in to pieces like I did to his all those years ago. It’s a look he’s been giving me since I walked into the church.
I keep my gaze on the wood planked stage underneath me.
The attention is on me, and for the first time in my life, I hate it.
I didn’t want to do this, but Luke asked me, begged me, really, to do it for Holly.
“We’d love it if you’d sing our first song. I know it’d mean the world to Holly.”
How could I say no to that?
Alone on stage, it’s just my guitar and me. Something so normal, yet so wrong right now. It feels like I’m parading around the life I’ve lead for the past ten years, the life I gave Zac up for.
Taking a deep breath, I clear my mind, pushing it all away.
Sliding to the edge of the stool, I lean into the microphone, my voice barely a whisper. “To the happy couple. May you have one hundred years of wedded bliss. I love you both.”
Another deep breath and I dive in.
Fingers on the strings, I let the music flow.
The lyrics for Crazy Love drift out of my mouth, my fingers following along, strumming to the beat.
I watch the happy couple dance, just the two of them, in the middle of the dance floor with blissful smiles on their faces. Holly looks picture perfect in her stunning white lace gown, and Luke looks madly in love in his crisp black tux.
I’m envious.
I want what they have.
I crave it still, even though it’s too late.
Looking away, my gaze finds Zac, his elbows on the table and a highball clasped in his hands, watching me intently.
He’s looking at me like I killed his puppy, like I wrecked his truck, like I ruined his life. Like I took away everything he’s ever wanted.
My heart hurts.
Uncomfortable, I shift, looking away again.
I never miss a beat, even when everything on the inside of me is falling apart. My hands shake slightly from his stare, but my fingers stay steady on the strings of my guitar.