The cabin was small - and I mean it was really small. I doubted the entirety of it was any larger than my bedroom at home, but it was lovely, so I didn’t bother expending any amount of energy on that fact. There was a small porch attached to the front of the house. The half to the right of the door was covered and the other half was open to the elements. There was a small wooden swing sitting in the covered area with beige cushions and soft pink throw pillows resting in the nook of the arm rests. Two white painted high backed wooden chairs sat on the other side of the porch, slightly facing toward each other.
The railing was lined with hanging flowerpots that clung to the wood and on each corner of the roof was a hanging wicker basket filled abundantly with pink flowers. Sitting next to the base of the stairs leading up to the porch, beside the gravel walkway, was another large barrel filled with draping vines and flowers. Behind the cabin was lush forestland that I was certain had plenty of walking trials. I couldn’t wait to find the one that led down to the river.
The inside of the cabin was quaint. It was so far from the lavish existence I had always known, that for a moment, I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. The living area was small with only enough room for a couch and a chair. There was a small coffee table centered between the couch and the fireplace. The kitchen was on the far side of the cabin (if you could call it far) and it was plain. There was a small pantry in the corner and all of the appliances were white rather than the stainless steel I was used to seeing in kitchens. The countertop had a creamy gloss top that, although it wasn’t granite, was the only part of the cabin that didn’t look quite so rustic, but still, it fit. Everything was perfectly tied in and I just loved it all. There was a small bathroom that was also wood, but the towels were white and soft pink. I had a feeling that a woman decorated this cabin and I wondered, if a man had ever stayed here alone - because it certainly was feminine.
Across the hall from the bathroom, was the bedroom. It was more of a closet. And by the size of the closet that was in the already closet-sized room, I knew I was going to have troubles with getting my clothing to fit. It was a good thing that the dresser lining the wall at the foot of the queen sized bed, was nearly the entire length of the wall. The bed, which was covered in a soft beige duvet had light pink sheets peaking from beneath the brown and there was another pink knitted quilt draped over the rustic footboard. A small wooden nightstand with a simple, beige capped lamp, stood off to the side of the bed that had been pushed up against the wall with the window to conserve the already limited space.
By the time I’d unpacked my clothing into the closet and dresser and shoved my suitcases beneath the bed, I didn’t quite know what to do with myself, so I decided I’d lay down. And then I got to thinking about Michael, and how I missed him, and how I would never know the man I’d always believed he would one day become.
My heart ached.
...Michael drove fast over the freeway and I grinned as the summer air washed over my face from the open passenger window. My feet were hanging from the window and my toes were playing with the mirror on the side of the truck, wind filtering through the spaces of my toes.
“You’ve got it all, Had.” Michael spoke low and I glanced up at him, surprised.
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re beautiful, kind, and spirited. You’re the perfect package. I know you’ll do great things, kiddo.”
I scowled. “Don’t call me kiddo, Mike. I’m less than three years younger than you.”
“You’ll always be kiddo to me, Had.” Mike leaned into the dash and the sound of Imagine Dragons flooded the space. For a moment, I just watched my brother sing along with the throaty allure of Demons, and wondered what on earth went through his mind.
Then, he flashed the brightest, most contagious grin at me, and I forgot what I was thinking about and what he’d said as I giggled. That was the thing about Mike. He was infectious. He was so beautiful, so perfect, and always so happy, that it was hard not to forget things when you were with him - like how important it was to just be responsible.
My voice flowed alongside his as we sang together...
A persistent banging sounded into the foggy sleep filled haze of my mind and I pulled myself into a sitting position. For a moment, complete disorientation forced my heart into a near painful kind of racing and then I remembered where I was. The Donnelley Ranch. The place of Wild Land Tours. The hell my father had banished me to.
Grumbling low under my breath, I swung my legs over the side of the bed to pad across the tiny cabin to the front door, where the banging had never ceased to expire. Scowling at the person on the other side of the door before I even laid my eyes on them, I pulled open the heavy wood door.
“Hadley Grades! It is so nice to finally meet you!” An older woman pushed her way past me into the little cabin, already chattering as though we were long lost friends before I even got a word in. “I used to know your mother. She and I went to school together up until grade nine. Then she moved to Toronto, but we’ve kept in touch.” She gave a small harrumph before waving her hand and continuing. “I was so excited when she contacted me and asked if I had an opening for you here!”
“My mother?” I stuttered, practically feeling my jaw hit the floor. “You knew my mom? I mean, my mom was the one who sent me here?”
The woman gave a small laugh as she plopped down on the couch. “Well, your father made all the plans and asked me to decorate the cabin for you in pink.” She winked. “He said he wanted you to feel as at home as possible.”
“Oh.”
“Is your room pink at home, darling?” The woman cocked her head and I swear to all things holy that mine spun. I was still way back on the fact that this woman had known my mother in grade nine. She had said nine, right?
I hadn’t even accepted the fact that it wasn’t actually my father’s idea to send me away to this place - but my mother’s.
And what was it she’d asked about my room?
“I’m sorry?” I shook my head, still stunned and not quite understanding. I mean, my mind just wasn’t working to connect the dots.
The woman smiled gently as she waved a hand to the chair. “Take a seat, Hadley.”
“Um.” I shifted on the spot before deciding that I didn’t have anything to lose by taking a seat in the comfortable looking chair. Moving slowly to the chair, I kept my eyes on the woman who had yet to introduce herself as I lowered myself into the soft cushion. “Who are you?”
Her smile never faltered. “My name is Gracie Donnelley. My husband John and I founded this Ranch, making it into all that it is today. We have four boys, I believe you met Logan, my oldest, and my soon to be daughter in law, Reese. Then there is Kyle who is married to Kami, then Collin and Luke.” She beamed proudly. “We’re a family run business, but we employ many others here at the Ranch. We’re a nice little community - it’s really quite comfortable here.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to that. “Um, it’s nice to - um, meet you, Gracie.”
“It’s nice to meet you as well, Hadley.” She nodded, looking for the first time a little uncertain.
It was then that I remembered my mother. This woman, Gracie, knew my mother. That meant that she more than likely knew about Mike. She knew he was dead. She knew that was why I was here. She knew I was unstable. She knew I was heartbroken. Everything I had hoped to keep hidden was already common knowledge to this woman and I couldn’t help but feel frustrated with my mother for putting me in this position. I mean, it was bad enough that I was here in this place where I didn’t want to be - but I was also stuck with having everyone look at me with pity? How was that fair? How could my mother have possibly thought that was alright?
“Hadley?” The woman brought me back into the present and I blinked.
“Pardon?”
“I asked if your room was pink at home.” She waited patiently as my brain worked to play catch-up.
“Oh.” I nodded.
“My room. Yeah, my room is pink at home.” I glanced around the cabin at the pops of pink and cream and noticed that, for the first time, it really did resemble my space at home in Toronto - just more rustic and peaceful. And I couldn’t forget - small. Then I recalled the woman with the blue socks and asked, “How did you know I would want to be by the water rather than by the stables?”
“Your mother had told me you’d never ridden, but that you enjoyed being around water. It wasn’t a high risk gamble on my part to decorate this cabin for you.” A small giggle sounded into the space and I cocked my head again.
We were back to my mom - and the fact that this woman knew my mother and that I had never heard, not once, my mother talk about Gracie Donnelley. As a matter of fact, I had never heard my mother talk about living out here. As far as I had known, my mother had been born and raised in Toronto, like my father.
“So, you were saying you knew my mom?”
“Oh, yes!” Gracie nodded exuberantly. “I did. We didn’t keep in steady contact after she’d moved, but every now and again she would give me a call - then calls turned into emails. I heard about what happened with your brother, Hadley, and I want you to know that if you need anything, you can talk to me.”
My throat closed and I felt the blood drain from my face as water misted in my eyes. As though sensing my sudden loss of control, Gracie continued to speak.
“I would really like for you to enjoy your time here. I want you to know that you are welcome to join any activity you wish. We have water sports, mountain climbing, both indoor and outdoor, trail hikes, and horseback riding.” I watched her fingers disappear into the pocket of her jeans to remove a card. “This card will get you into any activity without a fee. Your father assured me you would have a credit card for the communal area where we sell food and small things you might need such as shampoo and whatnot.” She waved a hand and added. “The little essentials. If you want, as you’re nearly a permanent resident, you’re welcome to join myself, and the girls, when we go into Banff for the large grocery trip rather than going alone. That way you can stock your cabin.”
“Thanks.” This was serious information overload. “I, um...” I closed my mouth for a moment and allotted myself a few seconds to gather my thoughts. “I do have a credit card.” I reached out to take the access card she was still holding out to me, flipping it over I scanned the back before shoving it into the pocket of my jacket that I had yet to remove. “I didn’t bring any food with me.”
Gracie interrupted me. “The cabin is fully stocked. I promised your parents I would do that before you got here, so the first trip is covered.”
“Thank you.”
“It’s not a problem at all, Hadley. I’m truly happy to have you here.” She lowered her voice a fraction. “I know being here wasn’t exactly your choice, but I honestly think you’ll find that this Ranch has a lot of greatness to offer if you give it a chance.”
God, I didn’t want to give this place a chance. Michael would have adored this land. He would have been itching to explore its dense forest, to walk over the length of the trails, to catch a glimpse of wildlife he was in no way prepared to face. This was a place he would have loved - and I would have loved it if I were here by his side - but I wasn’t here with him. I was so far out of my element of comfort that I just felt - lost.
I didn’t admit that though. I couldn’t admit that to Gracie, so instead, I forced a polite, “Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome, Hadley.” She leaned forward on the couch and I thought she was going to stand, before she paused. “If you’d like to come with me, I can show you around the Ranch?”
My stomach dropped in fear of exploring alone - without Mike. All the exploring I had ever done had been with my brother. He’d been my partner in crime. Without him, I’d always kept to the well-beaten path. Out here, there was no familiar path. My mother had apparently known that when she sent me here, to this place so far away from everything and everyone I had ever known and loved.
Shaking my head, I forced myself to answer. “I think I’m going to stay here tonight. Thank you, but I’m tired.”
A beat in time passed as Gracie stared into my face and I held my breath. I think, for a moment, she’d glimpsed a little fraction of my pain, because her soft green eyes dimmed. Then she nodded and smiled a smile that wasn’t as easily offered as all her others.
“Okay, Hadley.” She stood and moved to the door. “I want you to know you’re safe here to feel. No one will judge you and you can take all the time you need. You don’t have to talk about it and you can deal with the pain however you need to, but you can’t ignore it. You have to find a way to let yourself live.”
Her eyes connected with mine and I felt my heart crack in my chest despite the fact that I thought the shards it had been shattered into had already been broken beyond further destruction. I guess I’d been wrong, because the sad organ had just broken more.
For a moment, I simply stared at her as my heart ached in my chest to a point of utter desperation - and then she turned and walked from my little cabin in the woods.
I don’t know how long I sat in the chair for, staring straight ahead, but when I finally stood, it was dark outside. I sighed heavily, audibly as I peeked outside the small window in the cabins living room before padding to the door. I didn’t know if it was necessary to lock the door all the way out here in the middle of nowhere, but city habits die hard, and I knew that if I left the door unlocked, I would never catch a wink of sleep. Hell, I doubted I’d sleep anyway, but I was so exhausted that I hoped, I prayed I would find the peace I ached so desperately to find in sleep.
Jeez, I ran a hand over my face. I was so tired it wouldn’t be surprising in the least if I passed out from my exhaustion. Never mind sleep, I could just fall into utter comatose and that would be just fine with me.
Turning away from the now locked cabin door, I glanced at the kitchen and decided I should take a look at what had been purchased for me. Moving across the little space, I found myself in front of the fridge in no time. I opened it to find it was fully stocked with everything I could want or need. Obviously my mother had given Gracie quite the list, but I had no doubt her troubles were met with a very generous pay cheque. Closing the fridge, I turned to the tiny pantry door and pulled it open. My body froze as my eyes landed on the big tub of peanut butter.
Suddenly, my mouth was dry and sticky - almost as though I’d licked some of the sticky, once upon a time, goodness. Now, I just saw Michael eating his last meal. My stomach churned and my hand shook as I gripped the jar tight. I didn’t think as I moved to the garbage to drop the jar in the can.
With the offending peanut butter taken care of, I decided I should at least try and sleep. Taking in a deep breath, I turned out the lights and moved to my little bedroom. Once there, I stripped down to my underwear before tugging on a tank top and slipping between the sheets. I expected tears to begin falling as soon as I settled my head against the pillow, but to my surprise, none came. Instead, a new kind of weight settled over my chest and it didn’t take long before my very tired body relented to the need to sate my exhaustion.
Chapter 4
Glowing pink spilled into my room from the open curtains of my little window, and for a moment, I wondered where I was. Then I remembered and I sighed. My eyes were still heavy from sleeps hold and for a moment, I just lay there in the bed. Then I realized I’d slept - an entire night through.
Not once had I awoken. Since Michael had died, I hadn’t slept through an entire night. Not once had I found complete peace in the act of sleep. I didn’t know what to think about the fact that I finally had found the ability to sleep throughout the night. I didn’t know if I should feel guilty for finding such a peace when all Mike had found was death, or if I should be grateful. I just didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. I wished someone would tell me. I wished someone would tell me when this feeling of utter desperation would decide to release its unrelenting grip on my
heart.
Rolling over, I groaned at the stiffness in my joints as I moved to sit with my legs hanging over the edge of the bed. Rubbing my hands over my face, I groaned audibly as I pulled myself into a standing position. For a moment, I debated on making a pot of coffee and curling up on my front porch, or going for a run. I knew from experience that not running would sentence my already aching body to a day of coiled muscle pain, so I decided a run would have to be the first thing I did. Glancing over my shoulder at the window, I stared for a moment at the days birthing of the sun. Warm hues of pinks and oranges bled into the darkness of the night sky and I felt something in my belly jump. As I glanced at the dresser where I’d shoved my yoga shorts, I recognized the fluttering as excitement. For the first time since Michael’s death, I felt excitement blooming in my body. A smile curled my lips and I moved eagerly to get myself ready for my morning run.
Before I knew it, the sound of my feet pounding against the earth in complete familiarity surrounded me. My breaths came in hard, but measured. My body warmed and my mind traveled back in time to relive a memory I loved.
...Something warm pressed against my lips and my eyes popped open to stare up into my brother’s face. He was leaning over me with one knee planted on the edge of my mattress and his finger was pressed against my lips.
“Shhh!” He warned in a low whisper. “Get dressed.”
My body felt suddenly heavy against my mattress as his words settled into my sleep infused brain. I whispered a protest. “It’s the middle of the night.”
“I know.” He pushed himself up from my bed and it jostled, forcing a grumbling groan from the deep of my throat. “Wear a swimsuit.”
I repeated. “It’s the middle of the night, Mike!”
My brother pointed to my alarm on my nightstand where the green numbers illuminated the dark. “It’s 2:00 a.m. It’s no longer night, Had. Put a swimsuit on and be in my truck in five.”
Taking Chances: A Donnelley Brother's Novel Page 3