“I am sorry, really.” Kaitlyn reached across the seat and put her hand on his arm. “That sounds pretty rough.”
“Do you know the worst of it?”
“What?”
“I kept thinking, ‘I gave up mac and cheese with hot dogs and Pocahontas for this!’”
19
It was already getting dark and Venus hung bright in the still-glowing western sky when Steven’s truck found its way back to Last Chance.
He reached for her hand and glanced over with a tender smile. “How are you holding up?”
Kaitlyn swiped at her nose with the balled-up tissue she held in her other hand and sniffed. “Well, my eyes feel like sandpaper, my head is still stuffed up, and the rest of me feels so tired and kind of empty. Like I’ve been hollowed out. Thanks for the fun afternoon. We’ll have to do this again sometime.”
They hadn’t done much but drive, stopping for hamburgers that they ate in the car. And with no interruptions, no distractions, and no place to stomp off if anyone got mad, they talked.
Steven told her what it was like growing up in Last Chance, not quite a Cooley, never quite able to measure up to the bar his older brother set.
“See, since the ranch is the Rocking JC, all the boys have names that start with J, so there’ll always be a JC running the ranch. My middle name is John. But of course, Braden doesn’t start with C, and I’ve known all my life that after Uncle Joe Jr., my cousin Justin will run the ranch.”
“Wow. Sounds like the royal family.” Kaitlyn had been impressed. “Did you even want to run the ranch?”
“No, not really. But still, growing up, I felt a little on the edges of the family. While my mom was alive, it was different. She had been born on that ranch and grew up there, and there was never a question that she belonged there. Since we were her kids, so did Ray and I. She was kind of like Sarah in that way. She just expected people to want to do things her way.” He paused then and looked straight ahead with a little half smile while the pavement disappeared beneath them. After a few seconds, he cleared his throat and continued. “And then there was Dad. I don’t know which came first, the family’s disapproval of him or his cocky disregard of them, but those two things fed on each other until they barely spoke.”
“And you decided to take after your dad?” Kaitlyn smiled.
“Yeah, I guess I did. It wasn’t all that hard since I’m an awful lot like him anyway. I liked approval as much as the next guy, but if anyone wanted to look down their nose, well, I was happy to give them something to disapprove of.”
“I think I know that story. Then when you add an older brother who never gets anything but approval, the ending writes itself.”
Steven glanced over at her. “Yep, that’s about it. But if you ever think about joining the military, you might want to leave that attitude at home. I’m here to tell you it’s not going to fly. I was a different man when I came home, or thought I was. But the minute I got back in Last Chance, it was all the same ol’, same ol’. I was hit with all these expectations, and conflicting expectations at that. My dad’s dying wish had been for me to take over that bar. Gran and the rest of the Cooleys still thought of it as Satan’s own stronghold brought into Last Chance by my dad for the specific purpose of disgracing them. Poor Ray was caught in the middle, hating the bar and yet honoring my dad by putting his own life on hold to run it till I got home. Everybody was looking at me to do something about it, so I did what I do best. I took off.”
Kaitlyn watched him drive in silence for a while. She could only imagine what he might be thinking as he clenched his jaw and stared through the windshield.
“But you came back.” Her voice was gentle.
Steven’s laugh was more of a bark. “Yeah, I came back, and I can’t tell you the number of times since I’ve been back that I’ve had to force myself to turn onto the ranch road instead of just heading on down the highway.”
“But you haven’t gone. You’re still here.”
It was a long moment before he spoke. “Yeah, I’m still here.”
“Tomorrow?”
“I’ll be here. I’ve got Gran’s house to get ready for her, for one thing. And I need to settle things with Ray when he and Lainie come back to Last Chance. We’ve talked of course, and I saw him at Christmas, but the bar is one subject we’ve avoided. That’s got to change.”
“What about the Law Enforcement Academy?”
“That’s not till April. Of course, after that I’ll have to go where I’m assigned, but I’m beginning to think being here in the southwestern part of the state wouldn’t be all that bad.” He smiled.
Kaitlyn smiled back, and when Steven looked back at the road, she turned her eyes to the wintry desert sweeping past the side window. She knew Steven wouldn’t push the issue, probably wouldn’t even ask questions, but she wanted to tell him her story, just as he had opened up to her. Actually, on the surface, their stories looked pretty similar. Both had grown up in the shadow of a model older brother, had families with high expectations, and had systematically set about disappointing those expectations as soon and as thoroughly as they could. But where Steven ran, Kaitlyn made excuses. Nothing was ever her fault. She closed her eyes against the stab of pain that greeted that realization.
“You okay?” Steven must have caught her expression.
She nodded. “Just thinking. So, is it my turn?”
“Only if you want.”
For a while, Kaitlyn was able to keep things pretty matter-of-fact as she told him of a rebellion that began about the time she entered middle school.
“My parents have their own business and have always worked long, long hours. They depended on poor Chris to keep me in line, and I found I could get back at all of them by doing exactly what I wanted to do. When I realized they wouldn’t actually kill me, and I had seen the worst they could do to me, there was no stopping me. I probably missed as much school as I attended.”
“How did you manage to stay in school?”
“I don’t know. I think my parents spent more time at school than I did. But it was a losing proposition. I don’t think I would have made it, even if Danny hadn’t entered the picture.”
“Ah, Danny.”
“Yep. Olivia’s father. He was super smart. He managed to cut class and ace his AP classes. When we found out Livvy was on the way, he and his parents freaked out. He had plans, you see. His parents shipped him off to live with his grandparents, and the last time I heard anything about him, he had been accepted to Stanford medical school.”
“He doesn’t have anything to do with Livvy?” Steven seemed to be putting an awful lot of effort into keeping his voice neutral.
“Nope. His parents offered a pretty good sum of money to, I don’t know, buy off any responsibility he might have, I guess. But my parents, bless them, told them to keep it. Not exactly in those words, but you get the idea.”
“The little twerp.”
“Twerp is a good word. Anyway, my parents didn’t want me to have the baby, but when I told them I was going to have her and that was all there was to it, they had to accept it. But they laid down the law. The baby and I could live with them until I got on my feet, but I was going to get my GED and some kind of education so I could support her. For once, I was scared enough to listen. So Livvy was born, and I went to cosmetology school.”
“How long did you and Livvy live with your folks?”
“I was about twenty and Livvy was nearly three when we got our first place.”
“That’s kind of young to be on your own with a kid to support.”
Kaitlyn didn’t say anything for a while. She had been able to hold it together just fine until she started talking about Olivia as a baby. Now it felt as if a vise was tightening around her chest. Her breath came in short gasps.
“I was young. I was so young. I couldn’t take care of myself, let alone a baby.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Steven had stopped in the parking lot of a hamburger stand and rea
ched for her hand. “Livvy’s a great kid. Whatever happened then, she came through it.”
Kaitlyn pulled her hand away and shook her head. “No, she deserved so much more, and I did not deserve her.”
She went on with her story, making no excuses, taking all the blame, her breath coming in hiccups, while Steven looked on with gathering concern. When she got to the part about leaving Olivia behind with Chris and heading off across the country on a motorcycle, she could go no further, and her face contorted in sobs.
Steven leaned across the console and, unsnapping her seat belt, pulled her to him, cradling her against his chest, holding her until she had no more tears.
“Mom, you were gone so long.” Olivia looked up from a game of Sorry she was playing with Sarah and frowned when Kaitlyn and Steven came in. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, sweetie.” Kaitlyn tried to look extra cheerful. “Did you have a good time getting ice cream?”
“But you’ve been crying.” Olivia scrambled to her feet and came to take Kaitlyn’s hand. She glared at Steven.
“Honey, I’m fine. Really. Steven and I were talking and I remembered something that made me sad, but it happened a long time ago. It’s okay. I’m happy now.”
Olivia didn’t look at all convinced, but neither did Sarah, still sitting in front of the Sorry board. Or Chris, who also gave Steven a hard stare as he looked up from the computer opened on his lap.
Kaitlyn sighed. “Really, you guys, I had a moment, that’s all. Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine. What I really want to know is, who’s cooking? I’m ready for dinner.”
Chris went back to his computer. “Give me a minute here. I’m fixing omelets. You staying, Steven?”
“Sure. Love to.” Clearly choosing to ignore Chris’s less than welcoming tone of voice, Steven went over to the Sorry game on the coffee table and sat cross-legged on the floor. “So, who’s winning and can I get in on the next game?”
“Livvy just won her third game. You can take my place, but be warned. You will lose.” Sarah got to her feet and cornered Kaitlyn in the bathroom where she had gone in search of a tissue. “Seriously, what’s wrong? Did Steven say something? Or do something? You look like you’ve been crying for days.”
“Pretty much since lunch, off and on.” Kaitlyn blew her nose. “But not because of anything Steven did. He was great, as a matter of fact. I’m over it now, so don’t get me started again.”
Kaitlyn could see the worry in Sarah’s face. She could also see that Sarah didn’t want to leave the bathroom without finding out what had made Kaitlyn cry, but frankly, Kaitlyn had nothing more to say about it. Not now, and maybe not ever again.
“Come on.” Kaitlyn led the way out of the bathroom and Sarah followed. “Let’s go tell Chris he needs to put that computer away and fix us some omelets.”
Later, after Olivia had gone to bed and Chris had gone to take Sarah home, Kaitlyn joined Steven on the sofa in the living room. She kicked off her shoes, stretched her legs out so her feet were on the coffee table, and let her head fall against the back of the sofa.
“What a day.” She closed her eyes.
Steven stretched his arm across the back of the sofa and traced her cheek with one finger. “Yeah, I feel kind of wrung out myself. But I do feel like I know you a little better now. And I like what I know.”
She opened her eyes to find him smiling at her. “Now that I can’t figure out. I’d think you’d be disgusted.”
“Nope. I’d like to mess up that Danny so bad it would take the entire Stanford medical school to sort him out, but I think you’re amazing. I think Olivia is a lucky little girl to have you for her mom.”
Tears welled up in Kaitlyn’s eyes, and she dug in her pocket and pulled out a wad of tissue. “Good grief. I didn’t know I had any tears left.”
With two fingers, he turned her face toward him, and she felt his lips gently brush her cheeks, just under each eye. “Mmm, salty.”
His forehead touched hers, and she felt his breath warm on her face. Her eyes drifted closed again, and she felt his next kiss land gently in her hair as he slipped his arm around her and drew her head to his shoulder.
She tucked her feet under her and curled into the shelter of his arm. A peace she had not known for longer than she could remember filled her to her fingertips. Everyone she had met since she came to Last Chance had warned her against this man, and she might yet find they were right. But right now she felt safe, and safe felt good.
The crunch of gravel outside signaled Chris’s return. With a sigh, Kaitlyn sat upright and slipped her shoes back on.
“That didn’t take long.” Steven looked at his watch. “What does he do? Slow down to twenty and boot her out as he drives by?”
“Not quite, but it is a work night, and whether he’s over there Sunday evening or Sarah’s over here, he’s usually home by about 9:00.”
“Think he’ll throw me out?”
“He’ll probably try.”
On cue, the front door opened, and Chris came in.
“Hey, Steven. Still here, huh? Saw your rig outside.”
“Just leaving.” Steven winked at Kaitlyn and got to his feet. He extended his hand to Chris. “Thanks for the hospitality and the omelets. It’s been a pleasure.”
Kaitlyn walked him to the door, and as she closed it behind him, she turned on her brother.
“Really, Chris? Could you have been ruder? Why didn’t you just grab him by the collar and seat of his pants and give him the old ‘heave ho’?”
“What? It’s late. He’s been here all evening, and morning—”
“Don’t.” Kaitlyn cut him off. “If you tell me morning comes mighty early around here one more time, I’m liable to throw something heavy at you.”
“What’s the matter with you? In fact, what was the matter with you when you got here tonight? You’d been crying, and crying hard. I want to know why. Sarah told me you said Steven didn’t have anything to do with it, but since you’d been with him since church was out, I don’t buy it, so what’s going on?”
“Don’t you need to get to bed? After all, morning comes—”
“Stop it, Kaitlyn.” Chris’s eyes narrowed as he interrupted her. “It’s not funny. You’re getting your life squared away here. Watching you with Livvy, I see a completely different girl—woman—than you were even a couple months ago, and when one afternoon with Steven Braden turns you into such a blubbering mess, I get worried.”
“Blubbering mess?” Kaitlyn couldn’t help smiling. “That bad, huh?”
Chris folded his arms. He did not smile.
Kaitlyn folded her arms too and stared back.
“Still not funny, Kaitlyn.” He hadn’t budged.
Finally, Kaitlyn sighed. The thing about Chris she loved most was that he was there for her every moment of her life. The thing that drove her the craziest was that he was there for her every moment of her life.
“Okay, if you get that ferocious look off your face, I’ll tell you.”
She could tell he tried to soften his expression, but he wasn’t very successful.
“We talked, that’s all. We drove for miles and miles and talked. He told me what it was like for him growing up here in Last Chance with a dad the family disapproved of, and I told him about my life. About Danny, and trying to take care of Olivia and doing such an awful job of it. Of course, he already knew about me dropping Livvy off with you and taking off with Jase, but we talked about that too. He listened, and he let me cry, and that’s all.”
Chris still didn’t look happy. “You didn’t have to talk about that. That’s ancient history. It’s all behind you.”
She shook her head. “No, it’s not. I live with it every day. For Pete’s sake, Chris, I’m not even the guardian of my own daughter. Even if you wanted to hand the guardianship back right now, I’d be so afraid I’d mess up her life, I don’t think I could take it.”
Chris took the few steps to where she stood and pulled her into a h
ug. Of course, when she felt his strong arms around her, she started to cry again.
“Shh. It’s okay.” He rocked her slightly as he held her. “You’re not going to mess up anyone’s life. Not your own, and certainly not Livvy’s. You need to believe that.”
She nodded against his shoulder and felt the scratchy wool of his sweater against her cheek. “I’m trying. Before today, I’m not sure it even occurred to me that I didn’t have to go through my life moving from one failure to the next. I mean, it’s not like I planned it that way or anything. It’s just that even when things were going well at the moment, there was always this little voice in the back of my head that said, ‘Give it time; you’re going to find a way to mess this up too.’ But today, talking with Steven, for the first time I began to see, to really see, that it didn’t have to be that way.”
Kaitlyn felt Chris’s shoulders stiffen ever so slightly, and looking up into his face, she saw she had hurt him. He was tall, but so was she, and she didn’t have to rise very far on her toes to kiss his cheek. “I know. Steven wasn’t the first one to tell me that. It’s not that I didn’t want to believe you. But you have to admit, the evidence didn’t really support your claims. In our world, I kept messing up, and you never messed up. I didn’t see a lot of life changing going on. But with Steven, I do. I’ve heard all the stories about him, but the guy I was with today is facing down his past, and because I believe he can change, I believe I can change. Can you see that?”
“I guess that makes sense. As long as you remember that I never stopped believing in you.” He looked tired as he patted her shoulder. “I turned the heater on in your trailer before I took Sarah home. I guess we should get to bed. Morning comes . . . Well, good night.”
“Good night, and thanks.”
As he ambled down the hall toward his room, Kaitlyn was filled with a wave of love for this bear of a brother who so steadfastly tried to put himself between her and anything that might hurt her.
At Home in Last Chance Page 19