by Natalie Fox
‘I did love him. Yes, I did,’ she murmured at last. ‘I wouldn’t have contemplated marriage without love. I was happy most of the time, I think, but—well, something happened just before he died…and then the shock of that and all that followed…’ She took a ragged breath. ‘I’m sorry, this isn’t making any sense, is it? I haven’t talked about it before, you see.’
‘Don’t you think that was a mistake, then?’ Daniel suggested softly.
Karis lowered her dark lashes and stared at the stem of her wineglass. ‘There was never anyone to talk to,’ she admitted weakly. She looked up then, straight into Daniel’s eyes, which somehow had softened to a measure of understanding and sympathy. She tried to smile, a funny little sort of half-smile. ‘Do you really want to hear any more?’
He nodded. ‘Yes, I do.’
Karis took a deep breath but her voice wasn’t very strong when she spoke. ‘Aiden was drunk when he drowned. I should have been on that sailing holiday with him and his friends when it happened, but I wasn’t, you see. They were having a party, anchored out at sea, and Aiden was drunk and fell overboard and no one noticed, not till it was too late. I should have been there but I wasn’t,’ she finished on a half-whisper.
Daniel suddenly kneaded his brow without looking at her and she knew what he was thinking, what everyone had thought at the time—that she should have been there and if she had it wouldn’t have happened. She wanted to get up and leave the table because she couldn’t bear the thought of a censorious comment coming from his lips. But she couldn’t move. Her legs felt like lead under the table.
He spoke at last. He lifted his dark head and looked at her, held her limpid eyes and spoke softly.
‘So you feel guilty for his death?’
‘If it wasn’t so serious I could almost laugh at that,’ she told him on another half-smile, trying to sound brave.
‘So there’s more?’ he suggested quietly, leaning across the table to top up her wineglass.
‘Oceans more. Do you want to hear it?’
‘Of course I do,’ he told her, and she knew he wasn’t just paying lip-service to her. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was genuinely interested.
‘As I said, I should have been on that holiday but the reason I wasn’t was because I had just had my pregnancy confirmed.’ Karis sighed heavily. ‘I can still remember the feeling that warmed me through when my doctor told me. It’s one of those enduring memories, never to be forgotten. I was so excited, so happy that we were going to have a baby. I couldn’t wait to tell Aiden. I rushed home from the clinic and cooked a beautiful meal and rehearsed what I was going to say, and then…’ Karis sighed deeply again. ‘Aiden came home and was bubbling over with excitement about a sailing trip we had been invited to join that weekend. He was full of it; there would be all these influential people on board, contacts he could draw on for business in the future.’ She smiled ruefully. ‘It rather took the wind out of my sails,’ she tried to joke, and then suddenly her eyes filled with tears and she reached for her wine and shakily raised it to her lips.
‘So you didn’t tell him you were pregnant?’ Daniel suggested pensively.
Karis swallowed hard. ‘I did tell him,’ she said in a small whisper. ‘I suppose that was the start of it all—the doubts, the hurt, the uncertainty of all that previously I had been so certain of. I thought I had a good marriage, you see, but Aiden’s reaction to my news shook me terribly. He was furious, so angry with me. He said it was too soon, that we should have waited and he wasn’t ready to have a family yet, if ever.’
Karis shook her head in dismay. ‘So many emotions that day—such joy when I knew I was pregnant and then such despair when I told Aiden and he wasn’t overjoyed. I think that was the worst night of my life, knowing that my precious marriage wasn’t as idyllic as I had thought. I must have been incredibly blind not to have seen my husband as he really was—selfish and ambitious. I’d always wanted children and it shook me to find out that he didn’t share my views. Until that night I hadn’t known; I’d just presumed that if two people in love married then children and a real family life followed. I was so naive, blindingly so.
‘Anyway, Aiden went on that holiday with those supposed influential people. I didn’t go because I couldn’t face a sailing trip; my morning sickness had just started.’ Karis lifted her chin bravely. ‘That was another blow to my self-esteem—that Aiden could even consider leaving me on my own and going off like that, putting business before me. I was desolate and then…then Aiden drowned and, yes, I do feel guilt because if I had been there I might have prevented it and even after all that happened later I still feel sorry because for all his faults he didn’t deserve to die so young.
‘Perhaps we could have worked things out if he hadn’t been snatched away from me; perhaps when it had sunk in Aiden would have been happy to have a family after all. I was cheated out of knowing, you see.’
‘I do understand,’ Daniel murmured sympathetically. ‘And there is not much I can say to ease that hurt for you but you said something about all that followed. Was there a further sting in the tail of this tragedy?’
Karis nodded. ‘Aiden was the only son of close friends of my parents, that’s how we met. He was a dealer in the City. After his death it came out that he’d been involved in some dubious insider deals on the Stock Exchange, fraudulent deals. A lot of money went down, investments for people he had met through my parents and his. His parents were devastated by his death and on top of that they had to suffer the indignity of a financial scandal. He was the golden boy of their life and it hit them very badly.’
‘My parents lost face with other friends who had lost money because I was Aiden’s wife and was presumed to know all that my husband was up to and…well, they are professional people, both lawyers, and the scandal hit them badly as well. All in all it was a terrible mess and along the way my feelings and pain were disregarded.’
‘But you were pregnant, Karis. Surely your parents were supportive? Surely they closed ranks?’ he asked in disbelief.
Oh, yes, they closed ranks, Karis remembered sadly—closed ranks around Aiden’s parents, their closest friends. It was why she had escaped, unable to cope with her parents’ disloyalty and lack of support of her. It had been the loneliest and most miserable time of her life, losing her husband, facing a pregnancy alone, just being so terribly alone.
‘My parents are professional people,’ she repeated. ‘We were never very close.’ She tried to force a smile. ‘You didn’t really expect to hear all this, did you?’
He smiled in return. ‘It explains a lot,’ he murmured.
‘Like what?’ she braved to ask.
‘Why you care so deeply for Josh for one thing.’ He filled her wineglass again and Karis realised she had drunk rather a lot and it was why she had opened up to him. ‘You can relate to him more than anyone else. He’s you when you were a child. Did you have nannies?’
‘Two. They were fine but not…not like the real thing. A mother and a father who really care. My parents were so distant from me.’
‘Is that why you despise me so? Tarring me with the same brush because you think I cruelly abandoned Josh?’
‘I…I don’t despise you.’
‘You do.’
She didn’t; she had at first but no, not at this precise moment She was getting to know him and she had seen the hurt in his eyes when Josh had turned his back on him and knew he had real feeling where at first she had thought none existed.
Karis stared at her full wineglass. Be careful, she warned herself. She’d already given too much of herself. If she drank any more she might find that she was…warming to him? He was a good listener and sounded caring but it didn’t alter the fact that he had abandoned his own son equally cruelly as her parents had abandoned her when she had needed them most.
‘So…’ She rallied and raised her chin boldly and gave him a bit of a smile. ‘Now you know the sort of person I am. Unsure of myself where per
sonal relationships are concerned because I was blind to one man’s real feelings. A devoted mother to my daughter, who will never know the father who wasn’t over the moon at her impending birth. Penniless because my husband’s fraudulent dealings left me with nothing and I’ve had to resort to looking after someone else’s child to make a new life for myself. All in all I suppose you could call me an emotional mess,’ she finished bravely.
He held her eyes as unflinchingly as hers held his. ‘I think you do deserve a medal,’ he said at last. ‘But you’ll have to earn it some more,’ he added with a thin smile which was gone almost immediately. ‘Incidentally I don’t think you are an emotional mess at all. You are a very brave lady—strong too. You put me to shame.’
And then he was gone. Not physically but spiritually. He’d completely closed off from her, staring out beyond the verandah, a million miles away, in some dark and secret place where she wasn’t welcome.
Karis felt a curious coldness close around her heart. She felt utterly cheated. She had opened up her heart to him and in return he had closed his to her and the most peculiar thing of all was that it hurt.
What was his secret? He wasn’t going to tell her.
Karis sat for a few minutes, sipping the last of her wine and feeling more vulnerable and naked than ever. Her skin crawled with rejection because that was what he had done—rejected her.
‘I really am going to bed now,’ she said quietly and determinedly, but she decided her determination was pointless. He would let her go because she didn’t even exist for him at the moment. She pushed back her chair and leaned forward to gather up the plates.
‘Leave it,’ he ordered darkly. ‘I’ll clear up later. You get your rest.’
He said it as if tomorrow she would need every ounce of energy to get through the day. As she padded along the verandah to check that Josh and Tara were sleeping peacefully she realised she probably would and it didn’t have much to do with caring for two energetic young children. And that was an odd and disturbing thought to go to bed with.
CHAPTER FOUR
THERE was an unearthly silence when Karis awoke the next morning. Her first thought was that she had overslept and Daniel had got the children up and was dealing with them and would come down hard on her for not fulfilling her duties. Some nightmare.
‘I’m paranoid,’ she moaned after glancing at the bedside clock. It was so early the dawn wasn’t even awake.
Daniel Kennedy, she mused as she lay back and stretched lazily. He’d occupied her thoughts last thing last night and was still hovering menacingly in her thoughts on wakening.
He had upset her world completely, stepping back into his son’s life and disrupting everything. She wished she hadn’t told him about Aiden and how naive she had been about love and marriage. She felt vulnerable now, exposed and even more alone because although she had opened her heart to him he hadn’t opened his to her. And she had expected him to confide in her after he had listened to her so sympathetically and this morning she was still feeling cheated.
But perhaps it was too painful for him to talk about it and perhaps when he got to know her better, trusted her as deeply as his son trusted her, he would confide in her. She wanted that to happen, for him to trust her and be open with her and…
Karis twisted her face into the pillow. Why couldn’t she get him out of her head? Why wasn’t she lying here and planning the children’s day as she always did? Why was she worrying about him and his son and why did her stomach muscles tighten at the thought of him marrying Simone. Because she wasn’t the maternal type and certainly didn’t have the depth of feeling to be taking on the boy in their proposed new life together. Couldn’t he see that? Or perhaps the fault lay with her and she was the blind one. Perhaps Simone wasn’t the cold and unfeeling person she appeared to be at all and they adored each other, and perhaps Josh would come out of all this a happy, stable little boy with a full set of parents.
What was Karis’s judgement worth anyway? She hardly had an unblemished track record of good judgement where love was concerned.
‘And why am I giving myself angst thinking about all this?’ Karis asked herself aloud.
‘Who are you talking to?’ Josh asked as he leapt onto her bed and kicked at the sheet to slide down next to her. Karis hadn’t even heard him creeping into her bedroom, but then sometimes she didn’t She often woke to find him sleeping peacefully next to her.
‘Myself,’ Karis told him. ‘It’s what mad grown-ups do sometimes. It’ll come to you one day. You’re up early. Couldn’t you sleep?’ She tucked her arm around him and cuddled him to her even though the early morning temperature was already in the thirties.
‘I heard noises.’
‘What sort of noises?’
‘Water running and shushing.’
‘Ah, the shower. It must be your father. He’s an early riser. I told you he was moving in with us.’
As always she had been honest with him. She had told him yesterday while they were playing with Tara on the beach. She’d rather he knew in advance than be shocked and even frightened by his father’s sudden presence in the cottage first thing in the morning. Instinct had guided the decision. Whether it was the right one she didn’t know. But Josh had made no comment yesterday, perhaps choosing to ignore it rather than face it. Now he didn’t seem too perturbed by it. He was dozing off beside her.
‘Does Josh always slip into bed with you in the mornings?’ Daniel asked some time later as Karis walked into the kitchen with a beaming Tara in her arms. Josh was still asleep and Karis had left him to bath and dress her daughter before breakfast.
Karis settled Tara into her high chair before answering. ‘Not always. How did you know?’ She hoped he hadn’t been spying.
‘The walls are thin and I heard you talking.’
Daniel was making coffee and Karis moved around him, preparing Tara’s cereal. It felt strange having him here first thing in the morning, as if they were a family. Karis tried to imagine Aiden in his place and then immediately deleted the vision. Aiden didn’t fit and she felt a stab of sadness for something that hadn’t been but should have been.
‘The habit must be discouraged,’ he said shortly.
‘I didn’t exactly encourage it in the first place,’ Karis told him, flinging the fridge door open for milk. So here we go, she thought despondently. He was here now, taking over, and everything was going to be wrong. She wouldn’t be able to do anything right by him. All that stuff about wanting to know about her to understand her moods was totally irrelevant.
‘So why did you allow it?’
She paused from pouring milk onto Tara’s cereal and looked at him stonily, not believing he didn’t know why. Hadn’t he ever had a life with the boy?
‘It’s what young children do,’ she told him, giving her attention back to pouring milk. ‘I expect Tara will do it too when she’s big enough to climb out of her cot. It’s security, I suppose. Josh wakes up in the morning alone and needs to feel someone is there for him. It’s nice to have a cuddle in the morning.’ She looked at him quickly, feeling she might be rubbing it in with talk of cuddles. ‘In some cultures children always share their parents’ bed,’ she added quickly in case he was brooding over what she had said.
‘Must play hell with the parents’ love life,’ he muttered, picking up a spoon Tara had flung from her chair.
Karis watched Daniel rinse the spoon under the tap and dry it before giving it back to her. It was a small thing, a simple hygiene measure that came instinctively with parenthood, but it affected Karis deeply and saddened her. Once this man had had a life with his son. Once they had been a family—him and Josh and Josh’s mother. Now Josh was a lonely and disturbed little boy, and Daniel was bound up in some dark, shadowy past that he didn’t want to talk about, and there wasn’t a mother any more.
Tara, in her baby innocence, giggled at Daniel as she grasped at the spoon, her face going quite pink. Karis felt a thud of her heart at her daughter’s r
eaction. At sixteen months she couldn’t be aware of him as a gorgeous-looking man with charisma up to his armpits and be flirting with him, surely?
Daniel looked up and caught Karis’s wide-eyed stare and misinterpreted it. ‘I’m sorry. I suppose that was a bit of a tactless remark under the circumstances.’
Karis looked at him blankly.
‘Must play havoc with the parents’ love life,’ he reminded her.
Karis gave herself a mental shake and a physical shrug of her shoulders. ‘After my confessions last night I suppose you thought I would be offended. I took it for what it was—a joke. A year ago I wouldn’t have done, though. I’d have probably burst into tears. I’m gradually shedding my emotional baggage so you don’t have to treat me any differently now that you know all about me. You would be patronising me if you did.’
‘And there endeth the first lesson,’ Daniel teased as he poured coffee for them both. Karis afforded him a small smile as she spooned cereal into her daughter’s mouth.
‘Did it upset you hearing Josh in my bedroom?’ she asked. He must have felt hurt that the boy turned to her for comfort in the morning and it was best that he talk it through.
‘I would rather it was me in your bedroom,’ he murmured under his breath, and held her eyes long enough for her to get the message that it was another joke.
Heat invaded her skin all the same, though. ‘In your dreams,’ she teased back, and then decided the comment warranted more serious remonstration. ‘Actually that was rather a crass remark to make considering the seriousness of what you are trying to do here—ingratiate yourself into your son’s affections.’
He laughed. ‘Is married life always so serious? If we were man and wife wouldn’t we be allowed some light-hearted relief now and then?’
She gave Tara her cup of milk and cleared away her cereal bowl. Then she sat down at the table, dabbing at the dribbles of milk on a beaming Tara’s chin, anything rather than dwell too long on that thought.