No photos hung on the wall, no picture frames placed upon the mantle. There was artwork, fancy paintings and murals, but nothing that represented a family. Avery missed Texas and the inn terribly. This had to be the first time she was actually homesick since she’d come here with Lucas.
No warmth. No love. No ... homey feeling.
Avery wanted to bolt.
This might not go over as well. Not that she really had any expectations of how well it would or wouldn’t go, but right now, the feelings weren’t very uplifting.
“Avery.” Lucas snapped his fingers in front of her face. “Hey, sweetheart, you don’t look so good. You’re very pale. I knew we should have found something to eat.” He put his hand against her forehead. “Hey, you’re worrying me right now. Please talk to me.”
She shook her head, trying to gather her thoughts. “Sorry. I just- this is nothing like I’m used to.”
Lucas didn’t get a chance to respond. At the sound of footsteps and a throat clearing behind them, Avery and Lucas pulled apart slightly, focusing their attention back to the woman. She clutched some papers in her hands and thrust them forward at Avery and handed her a pen. “Read that and sign it, please.”
Avery read over the words in disbelief. It was like signing away her life or something. Something about if she violated the request for privacy, what would happen. The words blurred and jumped around on the page, until Avery realized tears had welled in her eyes and she quivered. The woman stood guard close by, like a warden in a prison or something and waited.
Whatever. She would sign the papers. Avery didn’t come here to expose anyone, all she wanted was to learn the damn truth about her past! Was that a crime? Apparently so.
She fought down a wave of nausea. She reached for the pen and scribbled her signature, handing both items to the woman, who nodded and backed away at last. “May I use a restroom, please?” Avery asked. She needed a moment away to regroup before she got sick.
The woman pointed to a door nearby. Avery made a dash for it, closed the door behind her and sank to the floor, shaking. This was terrible. She felt like a violator. It wasn’t too late. She could tell Lucas to take her back to the hotel and forget about it. Pretend like this never happened and just be thankful for everything she had, including love.
But being this close, could she really walk away from it all, despite how she felt at the moment?
Avery crawled toward the toilet and dry heaved. After a few moments, she got up, washed her face and hands and stared at her reflection. “Get it together, damn it,” she cursed. She looked terrible. Her sweat-matted hair hung, all stringy. Lucas was right, her skin was whiter than a ghost.
Someone rapped at the door. “Avery?” She froze.
Lucas. It was just Lucas.
“Just a minute!” she called hoarsely.
He didn’t need to see her like this.
The door opened. He poked his head in. “I don’t mean to barge. I just- you don’t look like you’re doing so well.” Lucas crossed into the entrance and gathered her in his arms, stroking her hair. Avery couldn’t help it. She let the tears fall. “Shh,” Lucas soothed. “What is it, Avery?”
Avery hiccuped. “It’s- It’s the house, the waivers, the coldness. I just lost it, am losing it, whatever.” She couldn’t even get out a full sentence. Lucas held her, rocked her until she calmed down. He didn’t say anything, didn’t need to. His touch, his embrace was enough.
“I know. This is the kind of life I grew up with, even in my adult life. You were and are, so very lucky, Avery. You grew up surrounded by love.” Lucas kissed her temple. “I know this can’t be easy for you. Just take a deep breath. You’ll get through this, because you are a strong woman. I’m right here with you. Just breathe. There you go.” Lucas attempted a smile as Avery did as he suggested. Inhale, exhale, inhale. Her heartbeat went back to normal and soon Avery was back to calm. Lucas tipped her chin up. “Better?”
Avery nodded. For the most part. She could breathe again, but she wasn’t better. It would have to do. “If you were me, what would you do?”
“If I had the chance to ask my parents anything, I would want to. I’d ask them why I wasn’t enough, why they couldn’t get and stay sober to take care of me. All my life, I wanted to mean something to them. Instead, I rarely saw them. I had to fight like hell to feel normal. I hated them, yet I loved them. I know it must hurt, but at least you got a shot at the life you ended up with.”
He was right. So right.
Avery had to do this. She had this chance.
Lucas, he would never get that chance.
“You’re right. I’m ready to go back.”
“Okay. Come on. Let’s go wait. If you feel the need to freak out again, just squeeze my hand as tight as you need. I won’t leave your side, sweetheart.”
“Thank you, Lucas. Thank you for everything,” Avery whispered. Please, let no more tears fall. She wanted to be together when her birth mother came in. So far, she wasn’t making the best impression. When she and Lucas came back out, that cold woman waited for them, giving Avery the evil eye.
Geez. Did anything phase that woman at all? She’d never even said her name.
“She’s running late,” the woman said to Lucas, turning her stare away from Avery. “We’ll just wait here for a little bit.”
Great. Talk about intense. To sit across from this woman and avoid or meet her stony stare? Yep, that was the perfect way to help Avery not to hyperventilate. Not!
Deep breaths. Just as Lucas said.
Think about Lucas. Focus on something good.
His sexy smile, his beautiful eyes, the way he had been in tune with Avery’s every need and desire. Mysterious, intense, so freaking amazing. Those words described Lucas so well. Avery longed to know more. So much more.
She thought about what he said when consoling her in the bathroom. About how this environment was how he grew up. No wonder he always acted so serious when they first met. Lucas wasn’t used to the way Avery lived. Love, affection and plenty of communication. If her birth mother had kept her, would Avery turned out like Lucas? Lost, unsure, and so dark?
It didn’t matter. She hadn’t. For that, she was thankful.
Time seemed to crawl by at a turtle’s pace. The woman never even tried to hold conversation. Avery’s mind wandered off and on. Lucas was in his own thoughts as well, but true to his word, he never left her side, and often times squeezed her hand and would flash a tight smile her way. A phone rang, and the Warden, as Avery came to think of the woman, moved briskly to answer it. Avery noticed Lucas’s gaze followed her.
He was upset about something. What was it?
Avery had a feeling she was being stood up. She’d come all the way here, to her birth mother’s house, when the woman wasn’t even here, and still she stood Avery up?
That feeling of nausea came back.
Breathe. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Warden lady came back, arms crossed over her chest. “She isn’t going to make it this evening. I’m afraid we will have to reschedule.”
“What the fuck?” Lucas exploded.
Avery gasped at his sudden outburst.
“That’s a bunch of crap. She agreed to this!”
“Well, you know as well as I do things come up. What am I supposed to do?” Warden Woman snapped, just as angry as Lucas. Her nostrils flared, her cheeks flushing red.
She wasn’t coming.
She’s not coming.
Too calmly, Avery got to her feet. “It’s fine, Lucas. Let’s just go, please,” she said with no emotion. Disappointment sagged in her shoulders and Avery cursed herself for getting her hopes up so high.
“It’s not fine, Avery,” Lucas snapped, turning his angry eyes on her. When she reeled back, his eyes softened. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Lucas tried hold her, but Avery brushed his hand away.
“I’d like to leave, please,” Avery fumed. She needed to get out of this environment.
Now.
Lucas nodded. “Of course. We’ll go right now.” He shot a look at Warden Woman. “You tell her I’m not done with this. She promised, and that’s a bunch of shit that she backed out.”
Avery was about to open her mouth and tell Lucas not to worry, but she couldn’t get the words out. The woman said nothing to his words, just followed them out and slammed the door behind them. Avery breathed a sigh of relief when she took a deep breath of fresh air, so glad to be out of that stuffy house.
“Oh Avery. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Lucas tried again, but she stepped away from his outstretched arms.
“Please. Let’s just go.” Avery gestured to the car. The further away she got from here, the better off she’d be. A good night’s sleep, a good cry, and she’d get over it. But right now, Avery no longer wanted this place in her view.
“Okay.” Lucas dropped his arms, shoulders sagging, but he complied. He unlocked the door for her, then climbed in on the driver’s side. Wordlessly, he started the car and backed out. When he approached the gate, the guards waved him out and he pulled away. Avery didn’t dare look behind her.
Chapter Twenty Three
As much as he wanted to, Lucas didn’t talk on the way back to the hotel. The times he’d tried to reach out to Avery, she pushed him away with fury. Not that Lucas could blame her. She was hurt, disappointed, and angry. She’d already had a hard time when they were in the house waiting, and her birth mother not showing was the tip of the iceberg. There was absolutely nothing he could do, short of getting that damn woman to actually keep her promise.
Avery was crushed. Lucas had never seen her this way. So many times he thought about reaching out, holding her hand, but just left it alone. Avery stared out the window. It tore Lucas up inside to see her shut down like this. Damn it! He’d brought her here to get answers, not to have her heart broken.
Lucas couldn’t help but feel slightly responsible. It wasn’t his fault, he knew that. But then Avery didn’t know everything. She had no idea how well Lucas knew her birth mother, and when she found out, Avery would shut him out even more. Damn it. He should have told her everything the day she answered his phone. Come clean then, taken any fall that needed to be taken and live with a clear conscious. He hadn’t realized at that time just how much he cared for Avery, but still. He should have.
Shoulda coulda woulda. You didn’t, and you can’t change the past now, idiot.
I’m going to lose Avery.
No! He had to make it right. But if Lucas told her everything, Avery would hate him. And Lucas had no right to blame her. Avery had trusted him, cared about him and he would be letting her down.
Oh, how did I manage this shit? I just want to cherish her forever.
Then come clean, and beg for her forgiveness.
Lucas hadn’t begged for anything in a long time. The last thing he ever remembered begging for was for his parents to pay attention to him. But he had been ten years old at that time. He’d stopped after that and just accepted the truth. That was the life he lived, and one got used to it after awhile.
There had been no reason to beg. He had learned to get by, even those years on the street. Who cared about love? He had food, he kept clean enough. What else was there?
Lucas had never realized love was really missing from his world until he met Avery. Until he experienced that there was good in life, and even though hers didn’t start out perfect, Avery lacked for nothing. Except the knowledge of her past, but even that didn’t seem to stop her. She hadn’t turned out like Lucas: angry, dark, hating the world. She made out well for herself. Avery had found a way to release her feelings through music. Lucas admired that. If only he could have been a good man, the way Avery grew up to be a good woman.
He wanted nothing more than to be that kind of man for her. One that Avery could look at with loving eyes every day.
But he wasn’t.
Lucas was nothing more than a man with secrets.
He could change that. He’d already started. Lucas had never shown so much of himself to one person like he had with Avery. He could even almost get used to it. When her eyes lit up and she showed that amazing smile, Lucas knew he’d done something good. He wanted more of that.
Ugh, the tense silence only made him think about strange things. Things he wasn’t sure he could ever have.
Like Avery Callimer.
Finally, their hotel came into view. Maybe once he got Avery into their suite, she would talk to him. Say something. Anything. Fall apart, even. She was so still, if it weren’t for the fact that every so often, she sniffed, Lucas would have to wonder if she was still alive.
When he pulled into the reserved parking spot and killed the engine, he looked over at her. Avery still sat unmoving. Let’s try this again.
He reached out and gave her arm a gentle shake. “Hey. We’re back.” She obviously had to know that, but Lucas didn’t have an idea what else to say. How to make it better for her.
He rushed out of the car and walked around to the passenger side. Avery had already opened the door and climbed out. She held her purse tight and looked right past Lucas.
Damn, he hated seeing her so hurt.
The same silence followed them all the way to the suite. Avery tossed her purse on the small table right by the door and flopped on the couch. Lucas sat beside her, slipping his arm around her shoulders.
Please don’t shut me out. Please let me comfort you.
She didn’t pull away. That’s when the tears came. Slow and steady at first. Avery buried her face on Lucas’s shoulder, her entire body wracked with sobs.
That tore Lucas up. “I’m sorry she didn’t show, Avery. I’m so sorry,” he whispered, holding her so close. He would hold Avery as long as she needed him to. Her sobs quieted after awhile, and she placed her hand against his chest. Her breathing turned into slow, deep breaths. Was she asleep? The thought of Avery crying herself to sleep only added to the agony Lucas channeled.
This was exactly why Lucas had to be done. Now, this time, it affected him more, because he cared about Avery.
He loved Avery.
Lucas’s eyes shot open, very alert and aware of the silent admission.
Love.
He loved her.
Lucas had never loved another woman in that way. Ever. Not even close. The last relationship he had outside of a physical one had been in his early twenties. Who had time for a steady relationship when he was considered a wanderer?
He didn’t want to wander anymore.
Lucas wanted a settled life. With Avery.
With a woman that wanted the same thing her mom wanted. Fame, travel, the world.
No. Avery was different. She wasn’t in it for fame. She loved music. Period.
So what to do? Lucas was not going to shatter Avery’s dreams, but he couldn’t hide his strong dislike for the idea of continuously going from place to place again.
Slow down. It’s not like you’ve admitted your feelings. And it’s not like she’s asked you to do anything.
Lucas shook Avery gently to see if she’d fallen asleep. She didn’t stir. As careful as he could be, he was able to get himself off the couch without waking her. Then he bent down, scooped her in his arms and carried her to the bed. Lucas slipped her shoes off her feet. Her hair splayed over the pillow, framing her sweet face. Instead of trying to deal with moving her again to cover her with the comforter, Lucas grabbed the blanket from the couch. He draped it over her. Then he bent down and kissed her lips. He sat beside her sleeping form for a few minutes, just admiring how beautiful she looked. Her cheeks were moist from the tears. Lucas gently wiped them away. He wanted to climb in bed beside her and hold her, but first he wanted to find out what the hell happened tonight.
“I don’t deserve you, Avery Callimer, but I went and did it. I fell in love with you,” Lucas whispered. He kissed her cheek, then leaned toward her ear, his lips touching it lightly. “I love you.” With one last look, Lucas left the room, turned off the
light and went for his phone.
No messages. No texts. Nothing.
As he scrolled through his contacts and found the number he wanted, Lucas waited as the phone rang. She picked up, and he didn’t give her a chance to say anything.
“What the hell is wrong with you? What was with that stunt you pulled tonight?” Lucas roared. “We waited at the house for an hour!”
“Lucas, would you calm down?” Avery’s birth mother snapped. “I wasn’t planning on not showing. I swear it. Your friend Sam? Lucas, he died. I got the call as I was on the way to the house. Since he had no family, and I was the one footing the bill, I had to be there for the details. I’m sorry, Lucas.”
Died? Sam? No! Impossible. Sam was too young! Despite the head trauma from being shot, all the rehabilitation, the ability to function ... how could Sam die? Lucas hadn’t even gone to see him. He’d thought about going while he was here with Avery. With her strength, Lucas would have been able to walk into that room and face his demons, the past.
Now he would never have that chance.
“How could that be?” Lucas gripped his phone, slumping against the wall. “What happened?”
“There was a fight with one of the other house mates, Lucas. He- he stabbed Sam. Apparently, he was mentally unstable, and Sam was his target. I- I’m so sorry.” Was she actually almost in tears? Lucas didn’t know she had it in her to care, to feel. “I never realized things were so crazy over there. I should have checked more. All I ever do is send the monthly checks. I thought he was in safe hands. He looked so good the last time I saw him-”
“Wait, you’ve been to see him? When?” Lucas demanded.
How fucked up. She’d gone to see him and had no connection to Sam, and Lucas couldn’t even make the effort?
“I go every six months. Or, I did. I let it slide the last time. He asked about you all the time. His speech was getting better. He understood. He missed you, Lucas.”
Yeah. That’s exactly what he needed right now. The guilt.
Baby Stetson (Love and Music in Texas #1) Page 23