Thanks for not beatin’ my ass when I said that.
When you have babies and shit, you gotta be calm and not get angry or nothin’, just like you right now starin’ at the ceilin’ like it’s some kinda blingin’ Jesus on a cross. My baby mama was telling me just now how she saw a g-ma yell at her grandkid for not wearing socks and it’s like, babies don’t put on socks by themselves, so why are you yellin’? We would never yell at our baby. No way. We is goin’ to talk like she is loved. We’s gonna tell her she is a princess and that she gonna grow up to be a hair stylist, or whatevah. I don’t know math or nothin’, but I would git her in school so she could learn it. My boys, we deal with numbers in our business, but I wouldn’t want the baby mixed in that. D.A.R.E. to keep babies off the streets, ya know? Ha-ha.
I should learn from my mistakes, but I don’t know how else to make money at this point. What do you do after you get out of here? Oh wait, you probl’y don’t care.
My baby mama is in school at the city college. She’s gonna be a nurse. She’s smarter than me. Well, obviously. She ain’t here. Ha. Oh lord, please help me get out of here so I can start ovah. It’s harder to be a person than to create one, ya know what I mean?
Hey—you listenin’?
[He turns back to his cellmate.]
Yo, you always be dissin’ me, fallin’ asleep when I’m talkin’. You wack.
Folks in Town
Leah Mann
KEVIN, early 20s
KEVIN, a scruffy stoner in his early 20s, has just picked up his parents at the airport. The inside of his car, a 1995 Honda Accord, is dingy and littered with trash.
KEVIN Mom, Dad! Hi! How was your flight?
Yeah, give me a sec, I’ll get your bags . . . let me just pop the trunk. Oh shit—I mean, shoot, sorry—I forgot to clear that stuff out of the backseat, just throw it on the floor. Yes, even the burrito, it’s okay, I’m done with it. Everyone buckled in? Where’s your hotel? Oh, you want to see my place first? Of course, that’s fine! I thought you’d be tired. My roommates will be thrilled to meet you, in fact let me text real quick to let them know we’re on the way. No, not text, because I’m driving. I’ll give Georgie a call using my very safe and legal bluetooth.
[Beat.]
Georgie, hey brother, wanted to give you a heads up that my PARENTS and I are gonna be at the apartment in twenty minutes not that it means you should clean or do anything before we arrive, but just a polite notice of our imminent arrival.
[Beat.]
Mom, stop touching my hair—Let me hang up the phone!—I like it like this. My beard, too. Beards are very hip these days, I promise, the ladies love it. Girlfriend? Oh, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I date, but no one special. It’s tough out there, you know? To find someone you’re on the same page with who’s interesting and fun but not demanding and I don’t have to go out of my way for too much, plus the whole attraction thing . . . you can’t ignore that, shallow or not. I don’t want to settle and I think the worst thing is to lead a girl on.
[Beat.]
It’s a matter of respect and honesty more than anything else.
[Beat.]
I’m trying to focus on work right now, build a stable life for myself like you two taught me. Work is going great, totally. I’m killing it. They aren’t promoting anyone or giving anyone raises because of the economy, you know double-dip and all that, we’re still recovering, but they totally value me. I’m great with the customers, and I’m on the management track because my computer and math skills are top-notch. Not calculus or anything, but I’m great at the arithmetic for balancing out the register at night and keeping inventory. You know—like how many ketchup packets or buns we have in stock, that sort of thing. I have you to thank for that, Dad. Denying me an allowance as a kid made me very fiscally responsible—I never lose a penny.
[Beat.]
There’s change in the seat back there? That’s not lost, that’s for parking meters. Always be prepared! Yes, that is why I have condoms under that seat, thank you for noticing, Mom.
[He pulls a sharp turn and changes route.]
I also have an emergency kit in the trunk like a good Boy Scout. Don’t look so surprised. I’m very adult now. I mean, fuck—sorry—I’ve been on my own for seven years now. I do my laundry and everything. Well, I drop it off at the Laundromat—which is a good deal and puts money back into the neighborhood. I consider it my civic duty to stimulate the local economy.
[Beat.]
You don’t look impressed. You disapprove? You think real men do their own laundry instead of relying on hired help? Whatever, I don’t need your approval, it’d be nice, I’d take it . . . I’m not being childish! You do approve then?
[Beat.]
You don’t. My potential? Again with my potential? Oh look, we’re here! Oops, did I go to your hotel? My bad. I must have been on automatic, you know how that goes, when your hands do the driving. As long as we’re already here . . . let me just pop the trunk.
Morning After
Jeff Passino
KEITH, 30s
KEITH’s bed, in his very small studio apartment.
KEITH Hey. Psst. Hey, Jenny. Are you awake? Ah that’s okay, I guess you’re not an early riser like me, huh? Ha-ha. Yeah, I’m a bit of a morning person. Admittedly not usually THIS much of a morning person, 6:00 a.m. is pretty early. I can’t sleep, though. I just want to stay up and watch you sleep. Whoa, that sounded creepy coming out of my mouth. You’re still asleep I hope, yeah? Ha-ha. Wait, are you? Okay, good. Yeah, you will find I do that a lot. So much stuff seems like a good idea to say in my head and then it comes out and blaaahhh, oh no what have I said. Ha-ha. That’s why if you ever hear anyone around the office say that I’m a racist, it’s . . . that was a big misunderstanding and . . . I’m a big believer in equality for everyone. Except for women, obviously. Ha-ha, no, obviously a joke. And a clear example of what I’m talking about. But that’s my humor, too. You’re probably like “What, the IT guy has a sense of humor?” Um yes, I do. People have even told me I should probably do stand-up. Well my parents have. My mom. And I’m like, “Mom, I don’t think everyone is going to get it when I do an impression of Nana.” Ha-ha-ha-ha-aaahhh. My mom is a big fan of the impression I do of my nana. You will probably like it, too. Though you won’t have anything to compare it to, my nana died about five years ago.
What are you going to want for breakfast? I’ll ask you again when you are actually awake, obviously, but just know I can make you anything you want. Whatever you are dreaming about right now in that pretty little head of yours, I’ll make for you.
[Whispering into her ear to get her to start dreaming about food.] Blueberry pancakes. Hash browns. An egg, bacon, avocado breakfast sandwich. Raisin Bran. Oh yeah, anything at all you want I will make you. And then after breakfast if you want to just hang out with me for the rest of the day well, I guess that would be cool. Ha-ha. I did just get a couple new video games. An early Christmas present to myself. Oh gosh, I should . . . probably . . . I’m going to have to get you a Christmas present now, huh? Or, how long after people start dating is it before they get presents for each other usually? ’Cause it will be, let’s see, Christmas is Wednesday and [Counting on his fingers.] Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wed . . . well it will be like almost a week, I’m sure we can do a little something for each other. I mean I want to. You deserve it. It will be fun. I’ve never had a girlfriend on a holiday before. Yeah, this will be fun! Unless, you do celebrate Christmas, don’t you? Of course you do, what are you a Jew? Joke there. Not that the Jewish faith is a joke, obviously. But you sure were in the celebrating spirit last night at the office party. I’ve never seen someone drink so much eggnog before. It must be good. I’m lactose intolerant, so I’ve never had it. I’ve never been extremely religious, so I’ve never had a huge reason to celebrate Christmas before, other than, you know, it’s fun,
I like the music. You know now that I think about it, if it weren’t for Christmas I wouldn’t have ever known you even liked me. Eight years working in the same office and I could have sworn you were always calling me Heath instead of Keith. But after last night . . . I will be able to confidently tell our future children that Christmas miracles ARE real! Maybe I should thank Santa for bringing you here. Santa and, I guess, Scott, who I gather left without you or something? I’ll have to finish getting that story from you. A lot of time when girls are crying I get very uncomfortable and have to count my breathing so I didn’t really catch what you were saying. Oh . . . you’re waking up. Hi. I’ve been watching you sleep.
Filthy Rich
Mark Harvey Levine
TAROT READER, late 30s to early 70s
A sleazy-looking street psychic, holding tarot cards and standing at a little fold-up table, accosts a stranger.
TAROT READER [With a vague foreign accent.] Here, come my friend. I give you a freebie. I read your tarot. I tell you your future. And this is freebie. This is free.
[Turns over a card.]
Look at the first card! Ahhh . . . I see already you’re going to be rich! Yes, very rich, my friend. Filthy rich. Dirty, dirty, dirty, filthy rich. You will not be able to wash it off, that’s how rich you’ll be. Pigs rolling in their own slop will not be as soiled as the filthiness of your richitude.
[Turns over a card.]
And you will be rich many years, for I see a long life ahead of you. Long, long, LONG life. It will seem to go on forever! Friends, family will be dying all around you, and you—you will just keep living. And living. And then you turn around and you are living some more. You will live so long that you will beg and pray for the sweet release of merciful death—that’s how long you’ll live. And all this time? Filthy rich. Just nasty, squalidly . . . a contamination of riches. You will be Rich Out Loud.
[Turns over a card.]
Now this card here, this is the Six of Cups. It means you are going to have six cups. Not those plastic purple ones from Target, like you have now. No, my friend, these will be solid-gold goblets, because you’re indecently rich and you actually think that’s what wealthy people drink out of. They will be huge, heavy, gaudy things, with large jewels encrusted in them right where you would grab them, so that every time you pick them up you cut the hell out of your hands.
But you don’t care because that’s how rich you are. You can buy new skin, and you can buy new friends when they all leave you because you’re doing things like buying immense gold goblets in the worst possible taste just to show them how very rancidly rich you are.
[Turns over a card.]
Which brings us to your love life. Because of your gigantic wealthiness, you will attract a multitude of women. Or men. Whatever you want! There will be hordes of grasping, fawning sycophants beating down your door, offering up every possible sexual delight and perversion—all you have to do is open the door and point at the crowd! “You, you, and . . . I think . . . you.” And in they will come, ready to submit themselves to your most debasing whims, the most sordid, sadistic desires you can imagine. And, my friend, you can imagine plenty, because you are grimy with opulence and can afford the many lawsuits that will follow.
There is your reading! And it is absolutely free! Although, considering how extremely, disgustingly rich you shall shortly be, would you like to perhaps make a small donation . . . ?
Fit Loser
Alessandra Rizzotti
JASON, 25 to 29
JASON walks into a mess of an apartment. More dorm-like than grown-up. He’s followed by an old friend.
JASON Great to finally have you come over and check out my man cave. I know I’ve been sorta MIA lately, but I’ve been really trying to get my life going in the right direction after the breakup with Tammy. She was like my heart and soul, man. But with her porno thing, she was like way too addicted to working. I mean, I’m all for work ethic, but, well you know . . . it was just hard to compete with the big guys. Not that I’m not big, I’m just no professional.
Watch out—that’s my new mini beanbag from Sharper Image. Pretty comfortable for watching the X Games and stuff. It always psychs people out because it blends into the brown carpet and looks like Sheila over there. I LIVE for Sheila, bro. I know she’s a Chihuahua, but she’s a boss lady. Way better than Tammy, because she listens, if you know what I mean.
Oh you like my new stock of vitamins? I got three cases because you have to take your calcium, fiber, and zinc if you want to be attracting the ladies! It’s just that simple. Tony Robbins would agree. Healthy body, healthy mind, healthy relations.
You read that life-coaching stuff? I’m thinking of becoming a self-help guru. When I was Tammy’s agent, it was hard to focus on myself, but with the Tony Robbins’s lessons, I’m getting so close to being the master of my universe.
[He starts lifting weights by his window and has a deep realization.]
I’m thinking I should be the citizen police dude of Hollywood. See that? Prostitutes are always hanging out on the corner causing accidents and stuff. I could stop the accidents before they happen—like I wish I had stopped Tammy before she got into porn. OMG. OMG. Oh my GOD! That could be like my way of giving back to society! It’s like I know how it is, ladies. I lived that life as the supporter of sex work. But as my bro Robbins says, “Don’t let pain and pleasure use you!” Women get desperate for like fame and stuff. But ladies, “If you can dream it, you can achieve it!” You don’t need to do sexual stuff to be famous, even though it helps people like Lindsay Lohan. Instead, be like smart like Natalie Portman, ladies! OMG. That is it! I could be the Tony Robbins of porn stars and prostitutes, bro! I could really make a dent in this world! And like, I wouldn’t become their boyfriend or anything. It would be purely professional. Yeah! Oh wow!
[He lifts a huge weight with a big emphasis on his breath and exertion, then excitedly jumps down to do five quick push-ups with claps in between.]
Man, you just inspired me without knowing it, dude. You’re like my Mr. Miyagi. I should like hire you to be my life coach so that I can be a life coach! You don’t have to make a decision now. Just think about it. He-he. Did you still want to go to Carl’s Jr., by the way? I’m gonna trampoline after some onion rings. We could shoot the shit and talk strategy and stuff if you want.
Nacho Boyfriend
Kathy S Yamamoto
JOSEPH, 20s
JOSEPH is an incredibly good-looking man who, though sometimes dim-witted, is hard working and means well. His girlfriend, Tabby, broke up with him the day before, after catching him in bed with another girl. This is the first time they’ve seen each other since.
JOSEPH Hey, hey, hey. Tabby. I know you’re mad, but I think I came up with something that will make it better.
[He pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket and reads from it.]
Yes, I slept with Annie, Laura, Monica, and Ruth.
I didn’t expect for you to find out the truth.
I slept with Ruth last night just so I could make that line rhyme. You should be impressed with my commitment, I mean Ruth is weird. She has that weird eyebrow, and is always talking about her parakeet and the rice at PF Chang’s. I mean, I sat through twenty-five minutes of her comparing the rice at PF Chang’s to the rice at Kaizuka, before I slept with her. That’s how much I love you, babe.
Although, I guess I could’ve rhymed “Laura” with “horror,” though that’s kind of a slant rhyme and I wanted to make sure this was the best poem ever, because I wanted to make it up to my girl.
Wait, don’t go! I’m not done. I’m being romantic! Isn’t that what you always wanted me to be? To make grand gestures out of being so desperately in love? Well I’m desperate now, baby. Because I know I messed up. And I don’t want to lose you. So please? Let me finish?
I know that you’re mad and you said that you’re leaving
,
But you gotta know, you gotta keep believing,
That I love you. And that’s what I’m saying,
So please forgive me for all that straying,
And all that straying that I’m bound to do,
Because sleeping with only one person gets boring,
Even when that one person is you.
Tabby! Come on! That’s only the first stanza. Look, I know that you’re mad at me, but I’m just trying to be open and honest! I wouldn’t mind if you slept with someone else! As long as you did some grand sweeping gesture for me, like make me nachos, but not just regular nachos with shredded cheese, the kind that has pork and jalapenos and tomatoes in it. Like, you could pretty much sleep with anybody else if you made that for me.
But if you don’t like that idea, that’s fine, Tabby. Because I will stop sleeping with other girls if that’s what it takes. I would do anything for you, Tabby. Really, that’s why I wrote this poem for you even though I hate poetry, because I want you back. And I worked really hard. I didn’t cheat and go on rhymezone.com or anything because that’s how much I care about you. I mean, I guess I cheated by cheating on you, but I didn’t cheat on the poem. And isn’t that the important part? Here, please let me finish.
So I hope that you know that I truly am sorry,
I hope this poem works, ’cause you said you loved them in your diary.
I know, that one is a slant rhyme but I really couldn’t help it . . . Not much rhymes with diary. It’s like the “orange” of books. Nothing rhymes with it! Oh yeah, I hope that’s okay that I did that, read your diary. I was just getting really desperate and I didn’t know what to do. None of your friends would talk to me about it—which was okay, since I felt weird talking to them anyway since I slept with them behind your back.
Although to be fair, Ruth wanted to talk about you, and although that was super helpful, it only added to her being weird. I decided to not talk to her, even though it would’ve saved me the trouble of reading through your entire diary. Boy, do you write on the toilet a lot? It seems like you do. I guess if I were a girl, I’d write on the toilet too, since it seems like you guys spend so much time on it. You guys are so lucky you get to sit while you pee, that it’s socially acceptable. Man, I’d get stuff done on the toilet. Is that why you’re so productive, Tabby? Because man, I put off so much other stuff to write this poem, when I could’ve been doing it on the toilet if I sat to pee. Or if I pooped between the time I slept with Monica and now, which I haven’t. Should I see a doctor about that?
Men's Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny Page 9