“Maybe not. I don’t know.” Rose seemed to have a full head of steam, unable to stop her words now. “But you’re building that room for some reason. And you started it about the time Gertie and her children showed up. You know I like being on the same floor as the children, and the fact that you want me in that new room, so far from them, is just the type of thing an employer would do to a nanny.”
“A nanny?” So Gertie arrived, and he started building a bedroom that would move Rose away from the children’s rooms? He never would have drawn that connection. “Nanny,” he muttered again. “You wouldn’t come up with these ridiculous notions if you’d just talk to me. The room is for us. You and me.”
The anger and hurt on her face changed to shock, and then he realized what he’d said. It was too late to take it back. “There’s some good news in all this. Apparently your words flow freely when you’re angry enough.” He took off his coat and put it around her shoulders. “Don’t let the new room or what I’m about to say put any more walls between us, okay?”
She nodded. “I’ll try.”
“I’m in love with you.” He pulled the sides of his coat tighter around her. Those were dangerous words, words that could backfire. Her Mamm had belittled her, but Rose told Joel that after a day or a week or a month of cutting Rose down with her sharp tongue, she would tell Rose that she loved her.
At least for the moment, his wife seemed to be taking his words to heart. “Ridiculously so, because right this second, when I should be frustrated because you didn’t trust me with your fears, I could list—without pausing—hundreds of reasons why I love you.”
She stared at him, clearly trying to absorb a truth she’d been oblivious to. Any relationship that began like theirs was complex. He and Rose had learned to care about each other long before they learned to care for each other. And caring for each other came way ahead of learning to like each other. Then love followed, the kind of love that made life worth living.
“A room for us?” She seemed completely caught off guard, and he knew the possibility of that space being for them had never crossed her mind. Why didn’t he talk to her about it before she started making off-the-mark assumptions?
“Only if you like the idea, but ya. I didn’t want to be too bold about it, so I thought I’d make it your room, a place that has belonged to no one else.” He looked heavenward, shaking his head for a moment. “I didn’t know how you’d respond to a romantic move, so I thought building a room might start the conversation.”
“This is a conversation.”
Was that a hint of humor? The line was one Levi used to say when trying to talk them into letting him do something. Joel would say that he and Rose would have a conversation and tell Levi their answer later. Levi would then say, “This is a conversation.” From time to time in private and when playing around, Joel and Rose would use the saying.
Snow began to fall, reminding him of Christmas Eve four years ago and how God gave hope in the most trying times. Hope fell from heaven as quietly and gently as snowflakes. Their first Christmas Eve had a bit of laughter and hope in it, but what would this Christmas hold for them?
He brushed a drop of water off her cheek where a snowflake had melted. He lifted her chin, angling her head one way and then the other as he studied her eyes. “You’re messing with me.”
She smiled. “I am.”
“You’re back.” He took a deep breath. “And it only took one month, four muddy shirts, and a rooster in a pear tree.” He pulled her close and held her. “But that’s okay, because I’d give anything for you to know the truth, that I love you.”
She tilted her head back, looking up at him. They’d hugged on numerous occasions, one human holding another, keeping the darkness at bay. It usually happened in the evenings after the children were in bed and they’d spent a couple of hours talking. But she’d always given one final squeeze, slipped from his arms, and retreated to her room. This felt very different.
He caressed her cheek. “How do you feel about my declaration?”
“It’s what I want, but—”
“Good.” He held her face, one thumb caressing her lips. That’s all he needed to hear. The rest of her sentence could wait. He lowered his lips to hers, and when she kissed him back, he felt as light as the snowflakes around them. Their kiss grew deeper by the moment, and he could feel her pleasure in it.
She pushed back.
“Wow.” He needed a moment to catch his breath. “Where did that come from?”
“I’m…not sure…” Her frosty breaths were short and quick.
“And the but?”
“But I’m sort of terrified.”
He wasn’t sure what terrified her, but he had no doubts they could work through it. “Just being ‘sort of terrified’ sounds good to me. I mean, you like the idea of me being in love with you. I love the idea of being in love with you. This is a good place to be, right?”
“Ya, and it only took four years of marriage, three children, and one kind husband to get here.”
Had he been kind? He wanted to be. He’d like to make up for her lousy childhood, but it was hard to give someone wings to fly when marriage and young children came with so many restraints.
Joel studied her, soaking in the moment. Her eyes were locked on his. She looked content, as if he’d removed heavy weights from her. What had he been thinking, standing out here in the dark talking to Gertie? Or changing Rose’s home without asking her what she wanted and without explaining his intentions. He wouldn’t make those mistakes again, and he had to stop Erma from causing more trouble. Life had plenty of that without help from an angry, bitter woman.
“Mama!” Mose called from inside.
“The children are up.” Joel made the silly observation.
“Ya.” She wasted no time going toward the house.
Joel took a few long strides to come up beside her and slid his hand into hers.
The house was a flurry of activity and noise as Rose and Joel cleaned up the breakfast dishes. She’d hardly touched her food, and she was pretty sure her feet weren’t touching the ground. He loved her? Her heart was still pounding so hard she could feel it in her fingertips. This was everything she’d longed for. Wow. But the news was going to take some time to absorb, because right now her mind kept saying it couldn’t be true. How could she have gotten everything so wrong?
She filled the mostly empty pot of grits with water. Joel put his hands on her shoulders and leaned in. He kissed her cheek before he wrapped his arms around her from behind and held her. “Care to look at the unfinished bedroom with me?”
The boys were in their room getting dressed for school, and Grace was in the living room playing with dolls.
Rose nodded, rinsed her hands, and grabbed a towel.
It seemed silly now that she’d been so upset about the room rather than talking to him. They communicated well about so many things, but honesty about how they felt and what they wanted was too awkward—much like the sex talk a Mamm was supposed to have with her daughter before she married. Sometimes it was just easier to pretend nothing needed to be said.
When she hated the idea of the room, it had seemed too far from the children. Now she liked the idea. She and Joel could have the space they needed to build this part of their married life.
Joel removed the towels at the foot of the doors that were keeping cold air out. He grabbed his coat off a chair and opened one of the double doors. Bitterly cold air whooshed through the room, flowing like a breezeway from one window opening to the next. There were exterior walls but no insulation or Sheetrock for interior walls and no glass in the windows. Joel put his coat around her shoulders, and they stepped into the room. He left the door open an inch, and she knew he’d done that so they could hear if the children called to them.
She looked around. “It’s huge.” He’d added two good-sized closets.
“Room for a large bed, a small couch, and built-in bookshelves.”
She walked t
o a trapezoid-shaped metal insert. “A fireplace?”
“Eventually. You hate the cold and love fires.” He crouched, touching a cable in the wall. “This is a gas starter, so you’ll light it like the burners on the gas range. It’ll have gas logs.”
“Like in Elise’s living room?” She sounded like a kid at Christmas. It was a pretty wonderful surprise.
“Ya, except I noticed that Elise’s has an electric starter, and you’ll have to strike a match or lighter to ignite it.”
Her chest ached from excitement and guilt. He’d worked hard, trying to reach her heart and communicate his feelings, and she’d been nothing but difficult. “I…I don’t have any words.”
“Imagine that.” He grinned.
She walked around the room, inspecting it. The views, the fireplace, the huge closets, and the extra space—it was perfect. “I feel horrible for being so ungrateful and blind to all you were doing.”
“Ya, well, you dealt with me living in that state for the better part of two years. I’ve seen your many sides, and you’ve seen mine, and we’re good for each other even when we’re at our worst.”
Her heart turned a flip. Seemed as if they’d both learned what real love was. She nodded at him as if what he’d said hadn’t made the walls inside her quake. Would he dismantle them one day? Would she wake one morning to discover she no longer lived inside a prison?
Something caught her eye. “Pipes?”
“A bathroom. It’ll be small, but—”
“You’re going to spoil me.”
“Ya, probably not.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re not the kind to take anything for granted, and God help the human who aims to get you to work less. But I’d like to try to spoil you. That sounds like fun.”
A carriage pulled into the driveway, and Rose realized it was getting late. School would begin soon, and Joel needed to get the boys there and go on to work. Marcus, Joel’s Daed, was the driver, but who was the man beside him? She turned to Joel, knowing he’d answer her question without her needing to ask it.
Without missing a beat he looked out the glassless window. “A few days ago Daed said there was a new preacher in one of the Pennsylvania districts, and he was coming to Forest Hill to visit and preach. My guess is that’s him. But I don’t know why they’re here. Maybe just for an introduction.”
She went to the kitchen to prepare something to offer them.
Joel headed for the front door but paused at the foot of the steps and hollered, “Boys, it’s time to get your coats, book bags, and lunches. You’ve got five minutes.” He strode to the door, arriving there within moments of the knock. “Well, good morning, Daed. This is a surprise.” He held the door open wide, welcoming both men.
“Joel, this is Thomas, the visiting preacher I told you about.”
Joel shook the man’s hand. “Kumm.”
Rose set a basket of apples and oranges on the kitchen table. She would slice some cheese and offer coffee and coffeecake in a few minutes.
“This is my wife, Rose. Rose, this is Preacher Thomas.”
She wiped her hands on a towel and nodded. “Welcome. Would you care for some coffee?”
Marcus shook his head. “We need to speak to Joel in private. Do you mind?”
The request wasn’t unusual. The Dienner men were leaders in the community, and they often removed themselves from the family when they spoke about business.
Rose glanced at her husband, and he seemed as surprised as she was that there would be a meeting this morning. “Sure. I’ll take the boys to school, and Grace can ride with us. Actually, I have a favor to ask of you too.” She glanced at Joel, hoping he didn’t mind.
Marcus dropped his hat. “A favor?” He grabbed it off the floor. “You’ve never asked for anything, Rose. Whatever you need, it’s yours.”
“Gut, denki. Would you, and any other men who have time this week, give Joel a hand in finishing the addition? I’d really like for it to be done by Christmas.”
He paused a moment before nodding. “Absolutely, Rose. It’s yours. But that only gives us four days, so men will be traipsing through your front door and kitchen during a busy week of baking and Christmas preparations.”
“It’ll be worth it.” Rose turned to Joel. “I’d like to go by Elise’s to see if she has time for a visit. If she’s not there or is too busy, I’ll take Grace to the dry-goods store, giving you men a little uninterrupted time.”
When Rose came out of the house, Joel ushered the children into the rig. His wife scurried toward it, and he put a blanket across the children’s legs. “You boys learn a lot today, and be good for your teacher.”
Grace grinned. “Mama says that one day I’ll be big enough to go too.”
He touched the tip of her nose. “Ya, too soon, I think.”
Joel strode to the far side of the rig and opened the door for Rose. “Did you get some cash, just in case you need it?”
“Ya.” Rose looked up at him. “Busy morning.”
Joel chuckled. “Good morning, though, right?”
“The best.” Rose clutched his hand and gave it a squeeze.
His heart pounded. “The best.”
“You don’t mind that I asked that favor of your Daed, do you?”
“I was proud of you for doing that, and to have it finished by Christmas”—he grinned, squeezing her hand—“priceless.” Christmas was definitely their season.
“Take off work for the rest of the week, Joel. December and January are usually our slowest business months. We could use the time together to unwind, reset, and enjoy Christmas week while getting the room done.”
“Ya, you’re right. We need some time, and we’ve yet to finish making the children’s barn and barnyard for Christmas.”
“Deal?” She thrust her hand toward him.
“Deal.” He shook it, closed the door, and waved as the buggy left the driveway. He returned to the house and removed his coat and hat. “Can I get you some more coffee?”
“We’re fine.” His Daed used his serious bishop tone.
Joel examined the preacher sitting at the table beside his Daed. He was dressed as if today were a Sunday meeting day. An uncomfortable silence filled the room, and his Daed motioned for Joel to take a seat across from him.
Joel sat. “So what’s this visit about?”
“I had a conversation with Erma last night. She came to my place directly after leaving here.” Daed almost whispered the words.
“Wonderful.” Joel didn’t roll his eyes, but he wanted to.
“She’s brought something to my, well, to our attention.”
Joel stiffened, and he found it hard to breathe. Whatever Erma had said, he hoped she wasn’t spreading it throughout the community. “Our?”
“Preacher Thomas and me. It’s just between Erma and us for now.”
Joel stared into the preacher’s eyes, wondering why he had been pulled into this, whatever this was. “Are you going to tell me what Erma brought to your attention?”
The preacher shifted in his chair. “She believes you haven’t consummated your marriage.”
“Excuse me?” Joel clenched his fingers. What had he done? In his desire to defend his wife to Erma, he’d shared their most private secret.
“Don’t get upset with him, Son. Erma came to the house and spoke with me alone. But it’s a heavy topic, and I thought it best that I talk to him.”
“And Erma’s gossip grants you the right to share the gossip with a stranger?”
His Daed looked regretful, but he sat up straight. “There’s no need to be hostile.”
“I’m not hostile. I’m annoyed. There is a difference.”
Daed rubbed his forehead. “I’m sorry if you feel we’ve been inappropriate in our conversations about your private life, but quite honestly, Joel, what Erma said came as a shock. The relationship between man and wife is one that the community cares about deeply. It is part of how we obey God’s commands and sustain our faith. I never imagi
ned that after four years your marriage to Rose wasn’t, uh, intimate.”
Joel looked down at the table. Was this conversation really happening? After the magical moments with Rose earlier?
“When did you marry Rose?” the visiting preacher asked.
“A week after my wife died.”
“And why did you do that?”
He shook his head, wondering if it was a trick question. “I had two little ones and a newborn. Have you ever seen a newborn survive without constant, round-the-clock care? I haven’t.” He tried to keep his tone matter-of-fact.
“Was that the only reason?”
The man’s questioning made Joel remember an Englisch friend talking about police interrogations. Apparently whatever a person said could and would be used against him in a court of law. He had never been to court, but he imagined this is what it felt like. “You two want to get to the point? I fail to see how what Rose and I do behind closed doors is of interest to anyone but us—and apparently Erma.”
Daed sighed. “Son, I don’t want to bring grief or hurt. I blame myself because I rushed you into this marriage. In hindsight I realize I didn’t consider much of anything other than getting the pressure off your Mamm and Erma. Now…if you and Rose haven’t slept together—”
“How is that anyone’s business?” Joel couldn’t believe he’d been so careless as to disclose this information to Erma. Rose would die of shame.
His Daed’s face turned slightly red. “Is that yes or no?”
Joel didn’t say anything and looked back down to the table again.
The preacher shifted. “I’ve never heard of any Amish who have been in such a situation before. But under such circumstances we believe an annulment may be permitted.”
“What?” Joel pushed away from the table, stood up, and backed away from the men.
“When both married parties—”
Joel put his hands up, cutting the preacher off. “I know what the word means. I just couldn’t believe I’d heard correctly.”
“I can’t make any promises, but you and Rose might be able to dissolve the union without causing much scandal,” Daed said softly.
The Angel of Forest Hill Page 7