by Haden, Ros;
Contents
1
She’s the one
Ros Haden
2
For love or money
Jenny Robson
3
Beads under my shirt
Sonwabiso Ngcowa
4
After the fire
Michelle Faure
5
One night
Wame Molefhe
6
None of our business
Lauri Kubuitsile
7
Bona fides
Julie Barker
8
Things to do in Durban when you’re dead
Sarah Lotz
1
SHE’S THE ONE
Ros Haden
Girls! What can I say? Eish, it’s not easy, especially for a guy like me. You could call me a late starter. I’m the shy guy who never gets the girl. I’m the guy who girls just want to be ‘friends’ with. They are happy for me to help them with their maths, or even to write their essays for them, but there is this unspoken rule. It’s like I can hear it, even when they don’t say it. “Make one wrong move and my chommies will sort you out.” And I mean these girls stick together like gum. And you won’t believe the vicious words that come out of those sweet lips – it’s ‘Guilty Until Proven Innocent’ with them. And half the time you don’t even know what you’ve done wrong when they give you the ‘speak to the hand’ treatment.
You’d think I’d give up on girls, if that’s how I feel. But you see, despite all of the above, the thing is I really like them. And yes, there is one in particular. Her name is Phathokazi. I’ve said it so many times. What a beautiful name. It sounds like the pitter-patter of raindrops. Phathokazi, Phathokazi. Oh, so refreshing and sweet. You should see her. She is so cute! Phathokazi! I’ve written her name all over the back page of my English book – with some hearts here and there. Problem is, so have just about all the other boys in the class, except for Thatho. He’s more interested in books and chess and blowing up the science lab. Sometimes I think he doesn’t know what a girl is.
You’d think I wouldn’t get anywhere with a girl like Phathokazi. But you would be wrong. I’ve got way past the ‘first base’, as they say in those American movies. I’ve invited her to a dance – yes, we’ve waltzed and jazzed and mapantsula’d our way into each other’s hearts. We’ve had photos taken and framed. I’ve asked her to marry me and she said YES. We’ve gone down the aisle – her in a beautiful white flouncy dress, and me in my tux. AND we’ve already got three children. In my DREAMS!
In real life I’ve got as far as sitting next to her in class. And I only got to do this by bribing Zuki to swap seats. Everyone wants to sit next to Phathokazi. It’s obvious – she’s the prettiest girl in the class, with the sweetest voice and the cutest smile.
~•~
I am chatting with my bras at break time and the subject of girls comes up. It’s like we always start with sport: Who’s going to win the match this weekend, Swallows or Pirates? Amakhosi or Ajax? Then it’s: What car are you going to drive one day? Audi 3 series or Mini Cooper? Beamer or a C-class? That’s where Vusi always chips in with a Rolls Royce – he’s very ‘old school’. And then there’s a pause. We all know what’s coming next, the subject of GIRLS.
That’s when Dumi, always full of advice and ‘wise words’ says, “You need a game plan.” He’s says it every time, like love is a soccer match and with the right strategy I am bound to score! And then the others join in.
“Ja, get your game on, dog,” Bubby chips in, like he’s one of those Idols judges. “Get your game on …”
“But girls are so different, so complicated,” I tell them.
“You gotta find a common language,” says Dumi, rolling his eyes.
“Like what?
“The Language of Love.” They all tease me and laugh, because I’m not exactly experienced. Dumi on the other hand has worked his way through two thirds of Grade 10. The girls can’t get enough of Dumisani Dolo! They buzz around him like bees round a honey pot. “It’s because I don’t care,” he tells me. “You gotta make like it doesn’t matter to you, whether you get the girl or not. They’ll come running, believe me. It’s all in your attitude.”
So of course the next day I try this out. I walk like I don’t care. I talk like I don’t care – I’m avoiding girls left, right and centre. Only it’s difficult because how do you ignore someone who is already trying to avoid you? But I do my best. And when Betty asks me what our homework was for Maths I just look away into the far distance, like there’s something really interesting out there. I shouldn’t have done that. I told you girls always move in groups. Well, the next minute Petunia Panda, who is also Phathokazi’s bodyguard, and the loudest and scariest girl you’ll ever meet, says. “What’s wrong with you? You think you’re too good for us now? What does it smell like up there in the clouds?” And of course they all giggle and mock me saying things like, “Mmm … I always knew he was stuck up.” And “ I bet he’s a mommy’s boy.”
We’re hanging around the locker room after soccer and I tell Dumi what happened. He just shrugs. Then he tells me another plan. “Girls love it when you’re really good at something.” And I’m thinking that’s just great! I mean Dumi is one of the best soccer players at our school. During matches the girls practically throw themselves on the pitch and faint and scream when he scores a goal.There’s this cool thing he does with his eyebrows that gets them screaming for more. They all wait outside the changing rooms afterwards, tearing each other’s hair out to be the one who carries his sports bag for him. “Find something you are really good at.” Ja, right!
So that night I lie in bed thinking. It’s tough, you see I’m average at most things, but not outstanding at any. There is one thing though I am very good at but it’s really not that sexy – it’s algebra! But when I tell Dumi the next day his eyes light up. “That’s it,” he says. “You cannot fail with equations!” I look at him like he can’t be serious.
“Think of the lines, bra,” he says. “Let’s divide our time together. I’d like you to be my latest addition. Let’s multiply, just you and me, baby.” You see, coming from Dumi they sound quite convincing and the girls would probably faint – coming from me, I’m not so sure. But I give it a try!
Every time Miss Nqweniso asks a question in algebra class my hand flies up – I practically throw myself across the desk. “Let me be the one, miss. Let me be the one!” What happens? After Maths Phathokazi comes up with her bodyguard Petunia in tow. Petunia stops in front of me. My heart is beating so fast I think it’s going to burst. I can’t believe it. I’m going to die before I get the chance of a lifetime – to be together with my dream girl! Then Phathokazi gives me this sideways look. Dumi’s giving me the thumbs up from behind the girls. And then I say, “Hi,” in this squeaky voice. And Petunia says, “What was that about? We hate braggers, don’t we?” She turns to the other girls and they all nod. “We hate teachers’ pets!” And then they flounce off. And Dumi is just there shrugging his shoulders.
You see none of these things Dumi keeps convincing me to try will ever work. Because it’s not about being good at stuff, or ignoring girls, it’s about the X factor! The X factor is like a gene you’re born with. Well I was born without it. It is nowhere to be found in Thando’s DNA! When I realise this it really depresses me. What’s worse is Petunia comes waltzing over the next day and says, “Give it up, skinny boy, Phathokazi has a boyfriend!”
I rip the page out of my book, the one with all the hearts, and I burn it. I know it’s quite a ‘girl’ thing to do, but it makes me feel bet
ter for a few minutes.
Next day the guys they come up to me in break. “Thando, this is no good, man. What happened to the game plan?” I don’t have one, that’s what happened to it.
“I can’t even get close to Phathokazi. Petunia’ s always there between us. She looks like she’d like to chop me up and have me for breakfast with extra lashings of peri-peri sauce and atchar.”
“So …?”
“So, what?”
“So, you’ve got to get Phathokazi alone. Then you’ve got to sweet talk her.” Dumi’s practically written the Dictionary of Love he’s got so many ‘sweet words’ up his sleeves.
“Sweet talk …?”
“Make up a little love poem, girls love that …”
“Like what?” And then Dumi just starts to chant all this romantic stuff. He’s memorised ALL of it!
Mother locked the door
Father keeps the key
But neither of them
Can keep Phathi away from me.
and
Down by the seashore
Written on a rock
Three little words
Forget me not.
“That’s my personal favourite,” says Dumi.
“And compliments,” chips in Vusi. “They love compliments.”
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you I’d be walking in a garden forever.
If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you.
I had this mental picture then. I was saying that line to Phathokazi in my head, practising. But in my head Petunia was there and waiting. “I’ll make you cry,” she says and punches me in the stomach. “Do those corny lines really work?” I ask the guys. “What if they don’t?”
“Every time,” Vusi assures me and he brings out this little black book he’s got in the inside pocket of his blazer. It’s got all these lines written in the back. In the front he’s written girls’ telephone numbers.
“You’ve got to get yourself a book like Vusi’s,” says Dumi. “It’s easy. Just move down the list of names until you hit the jackpot! And in the back, well there’s every chat-up line you’ll ever need.”
“Here’s one,” Vusi laughs. “Do you have a plaster? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.”
Or if you prefer something more sophisticated: “Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been running through my mind all day.” Then he looks at me like he’s got another bright idea. “Hey, why don’t you practise on Dumi here. Then you can’t go wrong!”
“What? Are you crazy?” I ask him.
He gives me this romantic look, and then says in this girl voice, all sweet like syrup. “Oh, Thando, do you have something you’d like to say to me? Oh, Thando, doesn’t your name mean love?” Then he punches me on the arm, which is like a sign of friendship between us guys, but he does it really hard and I’m just reminded how strong he is. “Go get her,” says Dumi.
And then Petunia comes and gives us THE LOOK. Even Dumi and Vusi are nervous of her, especially if she’s in a bad mood. One day she broke a bottle over a guy’s head just for looking at her, and he had to have stitches.
“What if I can’t remember the lines to tell Phathokazi?” I say when she’s gone.
“We’ll help you.”
“SMS her, bra. Tell her that you really like her and that she must meet you down by the toilets.”
“The toilets?”
“Ja, I know. It’s not the best place, but there’s a wall we can hide behind. So if you get stuck we’ll give you a helping hand.”
“Ja, like those comedy films,” says Vusi.
“Comedy …?”Suddenly I’m not so sure about PLAN PHATHOKAZI.
“Just chill, bra, it will work, no problem,” Vusi winks.
~•~
I text Phathokazi. I paid Zuki to get her number for me. He can get anything for anyone – he’s one of those talented guys like that. This is what the SMS says – Dumi dictated it to me:
“Hey cutie … I’m a secret admirer. Meet me by the toilets after school. Come alone.”
After that I’m so nervous all day I can’t concentrate in class. And I keep going to the toilets to check if I’ve got an SMS reply. Nothing! “Chill, bra,” Dumi tells me. “I saw her checking her cellphone at break.”
“You did?”
“For sure.”
“And?”
“And she was smiling like the cat that got the cream!”
I can’t believe it. When it gets to the end of school I’m so nervous I start sweating, and shaking, and Vusi says it doesn’t look good. He tells me to take some deep breaths and freshen up so’s I’m ready. I go to the toilets and splash cold water on my face. When the bell goes for second break I’m out there, running down towards the toilets with Dumi and Vusi. They can’t wait, I can tell.
They leave me there in the middle of the dirt like I’m target practice and they dive behind the wall, out of sight. I don’t have any protection and I’m hoping and praying that Phathokazi takes the part of the SMS where it says ‘come alone’ seriously! I can hear Dumi and Vusi trying to stop laughing. They are cracking up. Dumi sounds like he’s choking. “Shut up, man,” I hear Vusi thumping him, but it only makes him laugh louder. Then I hear the sound of footsteps.
“She’s coming,” I hiss and the other two go silent. But I’m worried any moment they’ll give it all away and crack up again, and then I’ll be dead meat. False alarm, it’s one of the guys running down the end of the school to the fence to score a skyf from his friend on the other side.
Ten minutes later and I want to go to the toilet so badly. The guys are getting impatient now. I’ve given up on this stupid plan when I hear the pitter-patter of Phathokazi’s feet – what a beautiful joyous sound. She comes running around the corner all out of breath to meet her Prince Charming. And I’m right in front of her, but she’s still searching, looking around expectantly. “Did you see someone waiting here?” she asks me. “I was meant to meet a guy here.” I want to point out the obvious, that the guy is me, but she looks so disappointed. “I guess he hasn’t showed up,” she sniffs.
Of course she wouldn’t think her secret admirer was me – not in her wildest dreams. I am trapped. What do I do? But it’s now or never and the guys are whistling under their breath behind the wall. Do it … Thando. Just do it!
“Say hello,” Dumi hisses.
“Hi …” I hold out my hand, but she just looks at it like she’s never seen a hand before. The guys are going crazy now behind the wall.
“Now … the line … Go with the line,” Vusi whispers.
“Something is wrong with my eyes …” I start.
“What’s that?” she says, distracted, like she hasn’t heard me. She’s too busy scanning the school yard for Mr Loverman who will sweep her off her feet. Then she looks at me and frowns, “What’s wrong with your eyes?” I clear my throat. This is not going according to the game plan.
“Something is wrong with my eyes – I can’t seem to take them off you …” Phew! The words are out. My first ever chat-up line.
“You’re the man!” I hear from behind the wall. “Keep talking,Thando – you’re the man!”
“Would you like to go out with me …?” I blurt it out And then, like I haven’t ruined it already, I really make sure and repeat it. “Would you like to come out …?”
~•~
I freeze. I can’t move. You see I hear this terrible squealing sound coming from behind the toilet wall. It’s like someone’s got Dumi and Vusi by the balls and is twisting, it’s that kind of squeal! Then Petunia comes out holding Dumi and Vusi by the scruffs of their necks and dumps them down beside me. “Cheater! Liar!” she spits on the ground by my feet. “Come, Phathi, let’s go,” she says to Phathokazi. “Don’t waste your time with these … these …” It’s like she can’
t find a word bad enough to describe us! And then they are gone, leaving dust behind them, and a broken heart.
All Dumi can say is, “Sorry, bra. I guess it didn’t work.”
“Ja,” says Vusi. “Sorry, bra. Someone should take that girl out.”
“Maybe Zuki can arrange it,” says Dumi, and they are laughing again.
Now I am feeling like there is no way I can show my face at school again. I’m going to have to move schools, and neighbourhoods. While I wait for the taxi home I’m trying to stand really still so no one notices me – so still I’m hardly breathing. That’s the last time I try to talk to a girl, I make a promise to myself. And then I hear this girl’s voice behind me.
“Thando? It’s Thando, right?” When I turn I see this girl who never says ANYTHING ever in class. She’s always just working with her head down in her books. They call her Bookworm. But it’s like she likes it that way. She’s not part of a girl group like Phathokazi, she hasn’t got a whole team of chommies. In fact she’s shy, like me. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen her without her specs. But now she’s taken them off and she’s smiling. And you know what, she’s really pretty. Not in a ‘look at me’ showy way that Phathokazi is, but in a quiet intelligent way. And she’s smiling – AT ME!
“Petunia’s mad,” she says suddenly. And we both laugh. And then she says, “Do you want to sit next to me in the taxi?” And it’s not a joke, she’s not mocking me. I can’t believe my ears. “On one condition,” she adds. “Don’t try any of those stupid chat-up lines on me. Dumi and Vusi are such idiots.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. In my head we’ve already gone on dates, exchanged rings, made vows … Hold on, Thando! I give myself the best advice: “Just get on the taxi – for starters! You’ve got the rest of your lives …”
Fast forward to the next morning …
Nosipho wakes me up with an SMS …
Cant w8 2 c u agn …
It makes my heart bounce in my chest. We’ve been going out for 14 hours already. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I am counting from the moment Nosipho asked me to sit next to her in the taxi. In fact at 4 pm today we can celebrate our 24-hour anniversary! Maybe I should buy her a chocolate at the tuck shop for the occasion.