by E. N. Joy
Unique stared out the window. “I have forgiven him, Mommy. But I’m still mad. I have forgiven him, but I haven’t forgotten. If I hadn’t forgiven him, I’d be waging war.”
“And you are, in your own heart. You have to free yourself completely from all the residue of pain when it comes to your boys. Eugene is part of that pain. You want to heal completely and move on? Then tell that boy to his face that you have forgiven him. He don’t deserve to hold that kind of power over you.”
Unique took in Korica’s words and allowed them to penetrate her heart. They were so true. For years she’d been harboring anger toward Eugene, anger that she felt she’d managed to keep hidden and under control, but God knew her heart, and obviously, so did the woman who’d raised her. Unique had been too grateful to God for giving her the strength she needed and for keeping her mind sound while she was going through her ordeal of being in jail and at the same time dealing with the loss of her sons. Had she not had Jesus on her side, it could have been a lot more painful.
People had wanted to see Unique broken, battered, crying, and beaten down, because they thought that was how a woman who’d lost all three of her sons at the same time should look. They had wanted to see her fainting and falling out, crying out and wailing while clutching her heart. Pulling her hair out. Not looking good, not smelling good, her hair nappy, and unable to get out of bed. When people didn’t see her acting that way—when her pain didn’t look like what they wanted it to look—they couldn’t muster up any sympathy for her. Well, if they had taken a closer look, they would have seen that Jesus had overtaken her, and not the pain. They would have seen in the sand the footprints of God as He carried her through the pain. If only they’d looked a little closer.
But thank God, they hadn’t. If they’d looked too close, they would have seen that scab on her heart with Eugene’s name on it. But perhaps Korica was right. It had been there long enough and was now serving no purpose. Maybe that scab needed finally to be peeled off. Yes, it would leave a scar, but that would reflect the healing that had taken place.
“You’re right.”
Korica sat shocked after hearing the words that had escaped from Unique’s mouth. She had been expecting the feisty, “I don’t care if I’m wrong, as long as you ain’t right” attitude that Unique used to have. A smile teased the corners of Korica’s mouth. This had been far too easy. The waitress hadn’t even taken their food orders yet. Korica had been certain it would take dessert and all to get Unique to see eye to eye with her.
“I appreciate you setting up a meeting with Eugene for me,” Unique said. “I now understand that you were only trying to help. I think it would have been better if it had not been a surprise. That was something I needed to prepare for.”
“I agree, and I’m sorry,” Korica said as the waitress brought their beverages.
The women had almost forgotten about their drink orders. It had taken this waitress longer than usual to return with their beverages. Having sensed the two women’s agitation when she took their drink orders, the waitress had waited until it looked like the coast was clear to return to their table. Kind of like how motorcyclists had to stop underneath an overpass when the rain started to come down harder. They could handle a little sprinkle, but they had to be smart enough to know when it was time to wait out the storm. It looked like sunshine was now in the forecast, so it was safe for her to address the women again. The waitress took their food orders. A couple minutes later she walked away, leaving mother and daughter alone to continue their conversation.
“So what do you say you two try it again?” Korica asked, hopeful.
Unique stared out the window and thought for a moment. She then looked back at Korica and nodded. “I think it’s a good idea that Eugene and I have a one-on-one.”
Korica clasped her hands together in excitement. “Good. I can—”
“No, Mommy, you don’t have to do anything. This is between Eugene and me, so I’ll set everything up when I’m ready. I’m pretty busy next week. Perhaps I can set something up with him on Friday. I have a luncheon to cater earlier in the day, but then I’m free after that. I’ll see if he can stop by later that evening.”
“Well, good. I have his number, and I’ll text it to you.”
Unique turned and looked out the window again, as if she was having second thoughts.
“You’re doing the right thing, baby,” Korica said, encouraging her and patting her hand.
“I know. This is truly something I need closure to before I go embarking on a new beginning with Terrance.”
Korica’s ears perked up. “Yes, this Terrance character,” she said, getting serious. “I know I ruined your surprise with that so-called surprise of my own. But please tell me everything there is to know about him.” Korica was all ears, indeed. She wanted to know everything about the man who had said he was going to marry her daughter. He was the only one who could possibly mess up her plans, so the more she knew about her potential enemy, the easier it would be to take him down, if need be. “The same way an apology was in order for you, I believe I owe one to Terrance. So if you don’t mind, text me his number.”
“I’m sure he’d appreciate that,” Unique said, smiling at her mother.
“Oh, darling, trust me, the pleasure will be all mine.”
At that moment the waitress brought out some biscuits for the ladies to indulge in, steering Unique’s attention away from Korica and causing her to miss the mischievous grin that was resting on Korica’s lips.
“Thank you for inviting me over,” Eugene said as he entered Unique’s apartment.
It had taken Unique a couple days, but she had done what she promised Korica she would do and had called Eugene up and arranged for them to talk that Friday. She’d invited him over to her place because she had some things of her oldest son that she wanted to give him for memory’s sake. Like Unique, Eugene had been in jail at the time of the triple funeral. Both of them had been denied a release to attend the funeral. For Unique, not being there for their home going was almost harder than her sons’ deaths. Not being able to say good-bye. She imagined it had been as difficult for Eugene.
“Thank you for coming,” Unique said.
Eugene was from the streets, so he was always on the lookout for the okey doke, for dudes to leap out of closets and try to jump him or something. He looked around. Everything appeared to be kosher.
His hesitation didn’t go unnoticed by Unique, though. “Boy, quit that. What you think I invited you over here for? To beat you up or something?”
“No, but how am I supposed to know whether or not that dude who tried to get all up in my grill at your mom’s ain’t gon’ try to come at me again?”
Unique threw her hands on her hips and tilted her head. “You know me better than that.”
“I don’t know . . . between you and that mama of yours . . .” Eugene shook his head.
“Please.” Unique wagged her hand. She left the front door open to let in a little sunshine before the sun went down. There was only about an hour left before the sky darkened. “Whatever Mommy said to you, that has nothing to do with me. I asked you over so that we can talk.”
“I hear you. I hear you.” Eugene was much more relaxed now. He didn’t feel that Unique was trying to play him, but the verdict was definitely still out on her mama.
“Can we go talk in the kitchen?”
“Sure,” Eugene agreed, and then he followed Unique into her kitchen, where she had some mini bottles of water and little finger sandwiches laid out on her petite kitchen table. There were chocolate-covered strawberries, as well as some nacho chips. This spread wasn’t something special that she’d prepared for Eugene. She’d catered a corporate luncheon earlier that day, and these were some of the items that were left over.
“Help yourself to whatever you want,” Unique told Eugene as she handed him a plate.
He did just that. He picked up a sandwich and bit into it, then grabbed some nachos, more sandwiches, an
d several other items.
“Hungry, are we?” Unique joked.
“Girl, I’ve been staying with my moms for the last month,” Eugene told her. “You know the only thing she knows how to cook is—”
“Grilled cheese.” Unique finished his sentence, and they both laughed. Unique remembered clearly how back when she first met Eugene, whenever she went to his house, his mother was always cooking the same thing for dinner—grilled cheese with potato chips and dill pickles on the side.
“I have some meatballs left over, too, if you want something hot,” Unique offered. “They’re in the refrigerator, but I can warm them up.”
“No, I’m good. I appreciate this. Anything but grilled cheese.” He ate another sandwich. There was a variety of sandwiches, including tuna, chicken, and turkey. A couple of the turkey ones even had bacon on them. He was sampling them all.
“Please, have a seat.” Unique extended her hand toward one of the chairs at the table. After he sat down, she sat in the chair across from him.
There was silence, broken only by the crunching sound Eugene made as he devoured the nachos on his plate.
“Oh, my bad,” he said after realizing Unique was staring at him, waiting on him to slow down so that she could talk to him. He washed down the food he’d eaten with water, wiped his mouth, then sat up straight in his chair, with his hands folded. “All right, shoot.”
“What I have to say won’t take long,” Unique began. “I basically wanted to do something that I should have done a long time ago. It would have set both you and me free.”
Eugene waited for Unique to continue with a puzzled look on his face, as it was not clear to him if she meant free from jail or what.
“I should have forgiven you completely, without anger, Eugene, and freed both our minds, hearts, and spirits,” Unique told him.
“You . . . you forgive me?”
Unique paused for a moment and then nodded. “Yes, Eugene, I forgive you.”
Eugene breathed as if a pillow held down over his face by someone trying to force him to say “Uncle” had finally been lifted. He didn’t even know what to say. He was afraid that if he said something, and it was the wrong something, Unique might take it back. So he said nothing. He nodded as his eyes filled with tears.
“Please don’t,” Unique said, looking down. “If you start, then I’m going to start.”
“I don’t want to make you cry, Nique,” Eugene said. “I guess I want to know why. Why now?” Eugene had written Unique several letters while he was in jail. The last address he had for her had been her sister’s house, so he’d sent them there. He’d even tried calling her collect, but to no avail. He’d felt that she would not forgive him until the day he died. And maybe not even then. Maybe she’d do nothing more than spit on his grave.
“It’s time, Eugene, you know. I mean, my moms may not go about things the right way, but she was right when she told me I needed to let go of all this anger I had for you inside my heart.” Unique shook her head. “And I’d had a death grip on that anger. I don’t know. . . . I felt like if I let go of that anger, then what would be left? There would be nobody left to blame and nobody to be mad at. That meant all that would be left was happiness and joy.”
“And what’s wrong with that?” Eugene shrugged, and a look of confusion covered his face. “Isn’t that what you women want? Didn’t Mary J. Blige sing the anthem for y’all? I just wanna be happy? So why not just be happy?”
“Because I don’t deserve to be!” Unique snapped as her eyes flooded with tears.
Dang it, Eugene thought. Had he done it? Had he made Unique angry at him all over again, and was she now going to unforgive him?
“Don’t you get it, Eugene? If I don’t have you to blame and be mad at, and if I refuse to be happy and joyful, then that means one thing.” She got up and walked away, then stood with her back to Eugene as a wave of tears took over.
Eugene got up out of his chair and walked over to Unique. He stood behind her. Slowly, he reached his hand out to touch her, hesitated, then decided against it. Eugene felt so bad as he watched Unique’s shoulders heaving. But everything was all making sense now; it was now apparent why she’d been hell-bent on harboring this hatred and animosity toward him.
“If you didn’t blame me, then you’d have only yourself to blame.” That was it. Eugene had hit the nail on the head.
Unique’s shoulders heaved uncontrollably.
This time when Eugene raised his hand, he placed it on her shoulder. “It’s not your fault, Unique.”
“But I left them in the car. I left my babies in the car on the hottest day of the year. And they died, Eugene. Had I not—”
“Had I and those other two loser baby daddies not been sorry fathers, you wouldn’t have had to spend your day riding around town, trying to hunt us down for child support. We can play the blame game all day, Unique, and it will never lead back to you. You are not the domino that started the whole horrible effect. So if blaming me for the rest of my life is what you need to do, I’ll take that. I can live with that, but what I can’t live with is watching you blame yourself. Not after you did for my son what I didn’t do. You fed him, clothed him, and made sure he had whatever it was he needed. My little man was brilliant, smart, and intelligent. He didn’t get that from my dumb a—” Eugene stopped. He knew Unique was a Christian, and he didn’t want to offend her by using foul language.
“Eugene, you’re not dumb,” Unique said, looking straight ahead, wiping her tears.
“Tell that to my mama.” He snickered. “For a minute I used to think dummy was my name. That’s all she ever called me. The one smart thing I know I did was getting with you. But even after all was said and done, my moms was right. When I messed things up with you, she told me I was a dummy for doing so.”
Unique turned around and faced Eugene. “We’ve both made a lot of mistakes, Eugene. The first was thinking we could raise a kid when we were only kids . . . doing grown-up things.”
“Yeah, but you grew up. I stayed in a state of perpetual childhood.”
Unique raised her eyebrows at Eugene’s use of words.
“I learned about that in jail, at some meeting. Dude said that society wants us to continue to think, talk, and act like we thirteen, even though we thirty. If we stay in that mind-set, then we never grow up and become real men.” He shrugged. “Guess I got trapped in that. Just never wanted to admit it until now.”
Unique smiled. “I know you lost a son too, and I’m sorry. And because your relationship with our son didn’t look like what I wanted it to look like, I guess I felt there was no way his death could have hurt you as much as it was hurting me. And I’m a hypocrite for thinking that. Because I had a problem with people who thought I should have been acting and looking a certain way after losing my boys.”
“It’s okay.” Eugene looked down.
“It’s not okay. I judged how you might have been feeling based on what I thought your relationship with our son should have looked like, and that wasn’t fair.” Unique took a step toward Eugene. “Will you forgive me?”
Eugene stood there, speechless. He felt as if he was the only one who should have been apologizing, yet here Unique was apologizing to him. He didn’t know what to say.
“Please, will you forgive me?” Unique extended her hands.
Eugene looked down at her hands and shook his head. “You don’t need forgiveness.”
“Please, Eugene, I’ve forgiven you. Now you forgive me.”
Eugene stood there, looking as if there was more he needed to say. “Before you really forgive me, let me explain myself first.”
Unique nodded for him to proceed, putting her hands back down to her side.
“I messed up.” Eugene’s voice began to crack. “I was so busy stacking loot, thinking the entire time, My son ain’t gon’ have to hit these streets on no grind. I’ma grind enough for the both of us.” Tears threatened to fall from his eyes, but he fought them off. “That mo
ney I meant to hand you from the freezer that day, but instead, I handed you those drugs. . . .”
Unique nodded. She remembered just fine that brown bag he’d handed her from the freezer right before the police raided the place. Unique had insisted he break her off some child support money. After a couple minutes of fighting her on the issue, Eugene had given in, had told her to hold on, and had gone and grabbed a bag out of the freezer. He’d thought he was giving her a bag of money he kept hidden in the freezer, but instead, he’d handed her a bag of dope. The worst timing in the world.
Eugene went on. “That money was part of the stash I’d been saving. The reason why I had been avoiding your calls was that I was on my hustle for real. I knew once you got at me, you was gon’ cuss me out. But it was going to be worth it when I handed you over that big payday. I had gotten involved with these new cats and was making money hand over foot and had a big deal set up that was going to make me more money than I’d ever seen. But it was all a setup . . . as we all found out the hard way. Turns out that shortcut to riches was a quicker way to nowhere but hell and jail. And in the process, I lost my son.”
Tears filled Eugene’s eyes and began to flow. There didn’t seem to be anything he could do to stop them. Although he didn’t want to offend her, the F-bomb dropped from his mouth. Frustration, hurt, anger, and regret had all created a fire inside of him. Eugene turned his back to Unique. He’d never cried in front of a woman before. All those times when his mother was insulting and humiliating him by cussing at him and calling him all sorts of dummies, he’d wanted to cry. The words had cut so deep, he’d wanted nothing more than to bleed tears, but he hadn’t. Being the little street soldier that he was, he’d simply puffed out his chest and held it all in. Well, right now every tear he’d held in over the years poured out as he shook uncontrollably.
“Eugene.” Unique came up from behind him. She slowly opened her arms and embrace him from behind.