He watched Cara stroll into the bedroom and sighed.
What the hell was he going to do?
His phone buzzed. Again.
Nate rolled his eyes and pulled it out, glancing at the bazillion texts from Bryan. The last one made Nate pause.
If you don’t tell her, I will.
Where the hell did Bryan get off saying that?
Nate back-read a few messages. The her was Cara, and Bryan’s protective instincts were in over-drive. Engaging with Bryan would only continue this line of threats. Best thing to do was turn the phone off and ignore the world. Bryan would cool down. Josh would get over himself. And Ellie understood.
Did she?
Nate stashed the soda and ice cream in the fridge while he waffled on opening the email.
Cara emerged from the bedroom, the skirt exchanged for leggings. That he could get behind. Literally. They were the best thing since the tube top and yoga pants. She plopped down on the sofa, only the top of her blonde head visible, and powered on the TV.
Being in the same space with her made Nate happy. The idea of something more, of a closer relationship, was a dream come true. He was willing to do anything to keep her. That wasn’t a new reality, it was how it’d always been. And if that meant leaving HitPoint and backing away from everyone else, he’d do it. They’d come around eventually.
Though...Ellie. Crap. He had to look at the email.
Nate turned around and set the oven to pre-heat. Since neither of them were hungry they’d opted to do a build-your-own pizza they could bake at home.
He tapped into his email while Cara click, click, clicked around the available movies on his server. Sure enough, the email was long, and now that he’d seen it, Nate had to read it.
Cara’s something else. I wanted to hate her, but she’s so...you. I can see why you love her. Which is why I think we need to take a break. As friends. You’re not going to believe this, but I do have a little bit of a heart left. It likes you. But not love-like you. You’re too nice for me to love-love you. I care about you. But I don’t want to be with you. Which is probably a relief to you. I didn’t break my promise to not fall in love with you. You’re an important friend, and I don’t want to screw that up. And I think I need to not be such a bitch to you when you’re happy. IDK what you and Josh talked about, but he’s riding my ass today. You owe me an explanation. I’m probably going to take a week off, unplug and try to get away from everyone. I’ll likely fail but gotta try.
The email went on, mostly Ellie rambling, spinning her wheels. She did that a lot, talking to hear herself talk, or in this case type out her thoughts.
Bryan wouldn’t want to hear it, but Ellie would chew him up and spit him out. She could be sandpaper on a sunburn on good days, but her prickly nature was one of the things Nate had grown to like about her.
But that was it.
He liked her.
He didn’t love Ellie. Not like Cara. And Ellie, broken pieces and all, recognized that she had to fix herself.
Damn, that woman had strength in spades. She needed someone stronger, with thicker skin, to teach her how to love. He hoped that someday Ellie found that person, because after everything she’d been through, she deserved it.
“Uh...Nate?” Cara’s voice careened up at the end, a note of panic in there.
“What?” He turned around—and froze.
No...
He’d moved those files...
Hadn’t he?
7.
Cara stared at her clothing options.
She’d planned for video games, pizza and movies. Not...falling in love with Nate all over again and sex. She didn’t have the kinds of clothes to be attractive. Not like the women in Nate’s life now. Ellie and Tamara were smart, funny, social and beautiful. Even in Cara’s dreams, she wasn’t on their level.
Why would Nate want her? Plain, simple Cara.
She knew she was too skinny, but when she was stressed she couldn’t eat. The last few months had become a struggle to keep food down, much less bring herself to eat. Even then, for the life of her, she couldn’t keep weight on in the right places. Her butt was barely there, which was more than she could say about her boobs.
Cara pulled the rubber bands out of her hair and shook the braids out.
Nate claimed to have loved her since the days of braces and acne.
She closed her eyes and sucked down a deep breath.
The way things were going, she was preparing herself for the bad to hit. Because that’s how it went. Something good happened, she got a break, she finally figured out how to get a handle on her life and then—bam. Life put her back on her butt.
She had to enjoy this good, for however long it lasted. She’d come on this trip, thinking of it like her Cinderella night. Her break from the drudgery of reality. But...maybe things were changing for her. If they were, she had to hold on with both hands, and not look back.
Nate said he loved her. Had loved her. And that was worth believing in. No, she might not have sexy down, or even own matching underwear, but she and Nate would always have Star Wars. Nintendo. Homework at four and Saturday D&D games.
Cara changed out of her skirt and into leggings.
For the first time in her life, she needed to know how to keep a man. And she had no clue how to start. Oh, she could Google, but the advice out there would be for normal people. She and Nate were hardly normal. Maybe...maybe she could talk to one of Nate’s female friends? Ellie and Nate seemed to get on pretty well. And Tamara had a boyfriend. It would be weird, but Cara was willing to brave the uncomfortable, if it meant making Nate happy.
She might not be well-versed in relationships, but even she knew there were differences between being friends and being a couple.
Cara wiped her palms on her legs, tugged her shirt down a bit farther and set her sights on the door.
Last night, they’d fallen into whatever this was. Loving each other had taken time. Now they had to decide what to do with it. Just saying I love you didn’t mean anything, did it? They weren’t officially a couple, or were they?
Tomorrow, she would go home. She didn’t know when she’d be able to come back, and Nate hadn’t visited in over a year. As much as she wanted to just sit back and enjoy being with Nate, she needed...more. To know what they were doing, what all of this meant. If watching her mother and father had taught her anything, it was that sometimes love wasn’t enough. Dad had loved them, she’d seen it in the way he looked at Mom, but when it came to his need to gamble, the need had won.
She couldn’t be Mom in this scenario. She couldn’t love Nate, and have him walk away because they wanted different things.
Nate was still looking at his phone when she stepped into the living room. She was really beginning to hate that thing. He was always looking at it, reminding her that he had a life outside of their friendship.
Maybe she should say something? Or maybe it was work?
Nate was a freelancer, and managed his own schedule. He’d told her how crazy it could get to juggle all of his contracts. But she was only here until tomorrow.
Cara flopped on the sectional and picked up the remote.
Just turn it on, he’d said.
She hit the power button and the TV light went from red to green.
Would it be selfish if she asked for him to turn his phone off? Just be with her right now? Or would that be needy?
The screen flickered to life, and sure enough, his media server home screen showed TV shows, movies, all sorts of stuff.
Her head was too full to watch something new, which was a shame. Nate often talked about getting some movies before they were released. What was something she’d seen that would hold Nate’s attention, too?
She flipped through dozens of movie images, some she’d never even heard of before.
Cara clicked back into the main menu and poked around a few of the sub-folders.
SW_P
That meant Star Wars, right?
How many
times had they watched the movies together growing up? They hadn’t yet gotten the chance to watch the new one together, and they should. It was tradition, and the perfect solution.
She navigated into the folder.
But...those were not her Star Wars movies.
Yes, they were...Star Wars-y, but not...Star Wars. At least not a version she was familiar with.
Cara had just assumed from the folder name... This? Whatever this was, it wasn’t Star Wars. At least not any Star Wars Cara had ever seen. What the heck had she stumbled on?
“Uh, Nate...?”
Title after title, she could see the Star Wars theme, but each one featured a very...tied up female. Not always one she recognized but a title here and a title there she did.
That one looked...interesting.
She clicked the particular title.
The image was...horrible, but identifiable. The slave outfit was iconic, but the triple-X title wasn’t her beloved movie. A man in a...vest, sort of Aladdin-looking, had his hand up as though he were the one responsible for restraining the slave girl.
Nate’s footsteps thumped on the wooden floor.
She should probably power off the TV or something, but now she was curious. What the heck was Nate watching? Was this a thing? She was both...uncomfortable and fascinated by the prospect of what this was all about.
Some sort of...parody or spoof porn?
“That’s a new way to use the force.” Cara forced a chuckle out. “Please tell me Darth Vader isn’t in this? That would be incest.”
She scrolled down to the description, horrified and fascinated now.
“Give me the remote, Cara.”
“Is this...do people watch this?” There were a lot of related titles on the bottom of the screen.
A lot.
SW_P.
Star Wars...porn?
There was a heavy tie-people-up theme going on, too. She knew Nate had to do some weird jobs at times. Was this work? Or did he like this stuff?
Oh, boy...
Cara glanced at Nate, staring at the screen in stony silence.
Crap...
If he flipped through her E-reader library, she’d be embarrassed, too.
But he’d told her to pick a movie!
“I’m sorry, Nate.” She jabbed the Home button, doing her best to back out of the screen.
The screen blipped, the big Play icon flashing once before cutting to black.
“No!” Cara stared at the remote, hitting back, stop then home, one after the other.
She knew better, and yet, in her panic the whole device locked up, stuck on a lewd image of the female protagonist tied to a wall being fondled. Cara covered her face.
This couldn’t get any worse.
“I didn’t mean to,” she chanted into her palms.
The system clicked off, the hum of electronics going quiet. The silence stretching thin.
Nate stared at the TV, because he couldn’t look at Cara.
He’d meant to move that stuff off the server. Just in case. But...he’d gotten tied up with work, and then he’d had to go pick her up...
Fuck.
He glanced at Cara, peering at him from between her fingers.
It was too late. If he could have laughed it off, that moment was passed.
Now what did he say?
“Nate? I’m sorry, Nate.”
He scrubbed a hand over his face.
She wouldn’t understand. He had to...divert this somehow. If he told her the truth, it’d scare her. He’d lose her forever when he was finally getting her.
Why hadn’t he deleted it all last night?
Because he’d thought it was all safely off the server.
“Nate?” Cara’s voice was high pitched, strained.
She had to be so confused now. This looked bad. If he were in her place, he’d have been out the door already. How did he possibly make her understand that this...what he liked...wasn’t bad or all that weird in the scope of what was out there?
He couldn’t.
Cara was still a girl from the mid-west, sheltered, she couldn’t possibly understand this part of him. He hadn’t even fully comprehended it for a long time, either.
The cushions dipped. Cara scooted closer when she should be running.
When he told her...she’d never look at him the same again. He couldn’t expect her to get it. But she was his best friend. He didn’t want to lie to her. She’d see through the lie and then...what? She’d know he didn’t trust her and that would be the downfall. The point where things started to erode. Without trust, she wouldn’t tell him what she was thinking. And then they’d grow apart and he’d lose her. But if he told her the truth he’d lose her still, but at least it would be an honest loss. Right?
“I like...bondage. But not like...crazy bondage.” He kept his eyes straight ahead, focused on that little red light. Mocking him. How could his who world be destroyed by a click of a button?
His stomach churned and heat burned his neck, his cheeks, so hot his eyes began to water.
“Oh,” Cara said.
Oh? That was it?
Nate braced himself for the rejection, the sting of her words, but the silence dragged on.
If he’d chosen to tell her, it would not be like this.
“W-what does that mean?” Her voice wavered. “I mean, I read stuff, but...”
“What have you read?” He glanced at her, and sure enough, Cara’s cheeks practically glowed they were so red.
“Well, uh, mostly romance books.” She stared at the ceiling, her fingers picking at the hem of her shirt in a nervous, mindless act.
“What books?”
“Books. I read part of the, um, Fifty Shades before, when it was still fan fiction. Master of the Universe. And, well, um...a few others.”
“Not like that.” He shook his head. Where did he start? How did he start? “I...”
Cara leaned back into the cushions. He turned to face her, struggling for a point to begin. How to explain himself. Because while he wasn’t truly kinky, he wasn’t entirely vanilla either.
“I want to understand.” She stared back at him, brow wrinkled, eyes wide, lips pressed together.
She was freaked out...but she wasn’t running to the door.
Nate reached for her hand, and she grasped it in both of hers, holding on tight.
“I...am not into super kinky shit. I don’t belong to any BDSM type groups. That’s...way too much. I...” Nate took a deep breath. “I like...fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolds and tying women up. But not like...call me master, or anything like that. I...like...the fantasy of it. Being in control. Making who I’m with...feel good.” His only goal was driving his woman crazy. Making her feel every bit as good as she made him feel. Besides, he liked having the freedom to roam over her body. In his mind, it was Cara’s body.
He was damning himself with every word. How long until Cara figured him out? Put all the pieces together?
“Okay. That’s...not crazy weird. So...like...whips and things...?”
“No.” He shook his head.
“Okay. Because that would freak me out.”
“No, I’m only into what feels good.”
“Nothing that hurts?”
“Not...really...”
“Not really? What does that mean?” She scrunched her nose.
“I mean...if I pull your hair, that can hurt and feel good.”
“Oh. Okay. Yeah. I can see that.” She shifted, sitting up a bit straighter. “So...you’ve done this before? Or not?”
“I have,” he said slowly, bracing himself.
“And your...other girlfriends—”
“Cara, I haven’t dated. Yes, I’ve had sex with women who...who got what I liked, who liked it, too. But they were never my girlfriends.”
“Right. Yes. You said that. So you have done this with...women?”
“Yes.”
“Do you...want...to tie me up?”
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity,
fuck, fuck.
The truth? Or a lie? Down one path lay ruination, but which one?
He had to be truthful. Even if it killed what little chance he had at being with Cara.
“Yeah.” He stared into her big, beautiful eyes and waited for her flinch. “Yeah, I’ve thought about it.”
Cara slowly blinked, once then twice.
“Why?” she asked.
“Why, what?”
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Tie you up?”
“Yeah.”
She was asking questions, holding onto his hand, and trying to understand. That was good, right? She wasn’t making snap judgments, she hadn’t run away. He could...explain. And maybe figure out a way to shove it under the rug. After all, they only had tonight and tomorrow...then she was gone. He didn’t want to spend what time they had left like this. He...wanted to hold her. Laugh with her. Feed her a whole damn pizza.
Why did he want to tie her up?
How did he explain that?
And what the hell was she reading?
“I... When I...think about that—tying you up—it’s...it’s to make you feel good.” He needed a better answer. That was so incredibly lame.
“What do you get out of that?”
“Satisfaction.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I...” He stared at her. How did he put a hundred thoughts and feelings into a single explanation? “I...love you, Cara. And...making you feel good, giving you pleasure, makes me happy. It satisfies my need to...please you.”
“But...you make me happy already.”
“Yeah, but I’m talking about sex.”
“Oh. Well. Um, you did that fine, too.”
“You know how I asked you to put your hands on the headboard?”
“You mean when you told me to?”
“Okay, yeah, that.”
“Yeah.”
“I...did that because I wouldn’t tie you up.”
“Do you...have to do that?”
“Tie you up?”
“Yeah, I mean, do you have to tie someone up to have sex? To...I don’t know, like it?”
“No.”
“But you like it?”
“Yes.”
“I still...don’t really understand. Can you...show me?”
The Adorkable Girl and the Geek (Gone Geek 5) Page 7