by Lucy Monroe
She waited until they were farther away before saying, “Some kiss.”
“Yeah, well.”
“You regret kissing me.”
“No.”
Her brow furrowed. Then what? “You wish you hadn’t touched me to climax?”
“Kitty! Leave it, okay?”
She would, after she told him one last thing. “I didn’t know I could still come. I haven’t in years. Thank you.”
There, that was all she had to say.
She was wholly unprepared for Tack to spin around and crush her to him and then take her mouth in a mind-numbing kiss before pushing her away again. “We can’t do this again.”
“If you say so.” But he was the one who still had hold of her shoulders even though they stood apart.
“I say so.”
“Can I ask why?”
“I don’t do casual sex with local women.”
“We didn’t have sex, did we?” Maybe her definition was out of date.
“No,” he gritted out. “But if we’d been on a bed and not hard rock with nothing but a tarp, we would have.”
He wanted her. “Oh.”
“Yes, oh.” He let go of her and took another step back, scrubbing his face with his hand.
“I don’t mind.” That kind of sex she could do. The kind that felt good.
The kind that didn’t come with rules she didn’t understand and consequences she couldn’t guess at.
“I do.”
“Why?”
“Because, Kitty, we are friends, not lovers,” he said as if he were speaking to a small, not very bright child.
And the emphasis he put on the word lovers, the way his mouth twisted in a grimace when he said it. That was definitely something he did not want to be.
“So?”
“So, friends don’t have sex.”
“I’m pretty sure some do. It’s called friends with benefits.”
“I don’t do that.”
He wouldn’t. His honor would prevent him from using a friend. Even if she said she didn’t mind or feel used.
“Have other Cailkirn women tried to talk you into it?” There went her insatiable curiosity where he was concerned again.
She’d done her best to curb that trait during her time in Los Angeles after discovering that sometimes, the less you knew, the less you hurt.
“This is not an appropriate conversation, Kitty.”
She didn’t really care. And that was a pretty big revelation. “Have they?” she pressed.
“Yes.”
“And you turned them down.”
“Yes.”
Oooh, he was growly.
“Okay.”
“Good.”
She didn’t say anything back and he started walking again.
“So, where do you get sex?” He was too good at that stuff to be lacking in practical experience.
“Seriously, Kitty?”
“Yes. I don’t think I could let anyone else touch me yet, but eventually.” Which was light-years away from the never-again-in-this-lifetime she’d come to Cailkirn with. “Now that I know I can enjoy it, maybe I’ll try some casual encounters.”
Other women did it. And casual had the benefit of protecting a heart she was still adamantly certain she never wanted to put on the chopping block again.
“I’m not giving you tips on how to find casual sex.” Offended exasperation dripped from every word.
If he didn’t want to have it with her, why couldn’t she have it with someone else? “Why not?”
“Because.”
“That’s a good reason,” she snarked.
“Knock it off,” he ground out.
She was quiet for the next ten minutes, but then some devil prompted her to say, “Well, I bet Egan will tell me.”
Tack spun around, effectively stopping her too. “No, just no.”
“Why not?”
Tack’s face was red with outrage under his close-cropped beard. “You are not having sex with my baby brother!”
“I never said I was! Sheesh, Tack. Your brain goes weird places.” That was just ick.
Egan might be twenty-four, but in her eyes, he was still a baby. Even if she was sure that baby had an active sex life.
“You’re the one who said you’d ask him.”
“About where he goes for casual sex, not to have sex with me. I’m sure you told him to stay away from locals too. It’s the kind of thing you’d do, so he probably knows the best way to find someone to play with.”
Tack looked ready to explode and she wasn’t sure why. She wasn’t asking him to kiss her again, or touch her, or anything.
Okay, she was poking the bear with the comment about asking Egan, but not that hard and her stick wasn’t that pointed.
“Play with?” he demanded, sounding like he had rocks in his throat.
“You know what I mean.”
“Unfortunately, I do. You’re not thinking this through.”
She really didn’t get his aversion to what she was asking. “What’s there to think about?”
“Would you listen to me, damn it?”
“I am listening to you.” He just wasn’t saying anything that made sense at the moment.
“You don’t need sex.”
Where did he get off telling her that? She was twenty-eight, same as him. “What?” she demanded, glaring up at him.
“You are too vulnerable. After everything you’ve been through, the last thing you need is to get into a sexual relationship right now.”
She processed the words and their possible meanings until one stood out more than the rest. It came from that dark well inside her, the place that harbored her insecurities and pain she still struggled to deal with, or hide when she couldn’t.
“You think I’m broken.” He’d said as much before, but she hadn’t realized how deeply his belief that she was irrevocably damaged went. “Really broken.”
“Yes.” He made no effort to deny it. “You said it yourself—you didn’t even know you could enjoy it. Can’t you see how susceptible that makes you?”
Her therapist had said something like that, when Caitlin was getting ready to leave California. Dr. Hart had been concerned that Caitlin had some distance still to go emotionally, that she was still susceptible to the manipulations of a man who knew how to capitalize on a woman’s weaknesses.
Like Nevin.
What neither Tack nor Dr. Hart seemed to realize was that Caitlin wasn’t capable of getting into another destructive relationship like that again. It required trust, and she didn’t have any.
Unless she counted Tack, which he’d made very clear she shouldn’t. And even with him, she didn’t know how deep the conviction in his unwillingness to knowingly hurt her went. She kept surprising herself with the faith she had in him, but doubted it was an inexhaustible resource.
No matter what he and Dr. Hart might believe about her.
Kitty stepped out from under his hands. The safety in his touch was an illusion and the sooner she accepted that, the better off she would be.
Dr. Hart had said having weaknesses wasn’t the same as being weak, but Caitlin had never quite believed her.
Now she was sure the therapist had been wrong.
Because Tack saw Caitlin’s weaknesses and thought sex was one of them. She would have laughed if she could, but suddenly there just wasn’t any laughter inside her.
Sex was the one area she wasn’t vulnerable. In her entire life, she’d only lost her control with one man. Had only ever responded one time with such unadulterated need and desire. That was less than half an hour ago with Taqukaq MacKinnon.
She didn’t say any of this, though. What was the use? Tack didn’t want her and he was convinced she was too weak to have sex with a man and not get herself back into a bad relationship.
Maybe he was right. Not about the sex itself making her emotionally vulnerable to a man, but if she allowed him close enough to touch her intimately, he’d have the opportunit
y to hurt her in other ways.
“Kitty?” Tack prompted, sounding worried.
She put her game face on, the one she wore more and more for her gran and great-aunts these days. She’d had no idea it would be this hard being around her family again. She’d thought that was going to be the easy part in moving back to Cailkirn.
“Fine. No sex.”
“Look, I—”
“Let’s go. I know you have things to do.”
He looked like he was going to argue, but then he turned around and started stomping down the trail.
She was back to feeling like an empty shell, but at least she’d had that brief respite from the woman she’d become to remember the girl she had been.
CHAPTER TEN
Trying her best to ignore the anxiety caused by so many calories in one place, Caitlin put the five bags of brown sugar Aunt Elspeth had on her list in the cart.
She knew her aunts loved food and that Aunt Elspeth had goodies to make for the B&B, but buying that much sugar at once triggered stress she could manage but not necessarily get rid of. She just kept telling herself she didn’t have to eat the cookies and pastries.
The guests could.
She’d come into Kenai to shop for groceries, thinking it would give her some much needed time to herself. She hadn’t counted on the contents of her aunts’ grocery list.
Caitlin’s shoulders jarred as her cart ran into something and the impact traveled up her arms.
She jerked her head up, an apology on her lips, only to meet vaguely familiar gray eyes. “It’s Savannah Vasov, right?”
“Yes.” The other woman nodded, no socially polite smile marring her face. “Caitlin, isn’t it?”
Relieved at not having to pretend to be happy with this near stranger, Caitlin just nodded as well. “Where’s Joey?”
Okay, so maybe she was a little pensive since Tack’s rejection after that amazing kiss, but she wasn’t unhappy. She just wasn’t a walking fount of joy every minute of every day. Sometimes, that’s the way life was. Caitlin only wished that was enough for the people she loved.
“He’s back in Cailkirn with Nik. He wanted to pan for gold.” Savannah was clearly trying to sound enthusiastic about that fact, but her efforts fell a little flat.
Caitlin didn’t say any of the platitudes that came to mind. “It’s cold and unless Nik salts the water, panning is mind-numbingly boring with little prospect at success.” Caitlin adjusted the top bag of sugar to stack more neatly on the others and was proud of how well she suppressed a shudder while doing it.
Her honesty startled a small laugh out of the Southern woman. “I can stop feeling badly I didn’t join them, then.”
“Definitely.”
“At least Nik likes Joey.” The startled widening of Savannah’s gray eyes indicated she hadn’t intended to say that out loud.
Caitlin guessed, “And Joey likes him?”
“Yes.” There was definitely gratitude infused in that single-word answer. “I thought that was going to be the hard part.”
Caitlin understood that only too well. “When I was first married, I thought the most difficult thing I would have to deal with was giving up my education.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No.”
Savannah’s expression filled with understanding. “A man who would make you give up your education wouldn’t think anything of making you give up other things, too, would he?”
“Like my self-respect? Yes.” Whoa. Her honesty with Tack didn’t surprise Caitlin, but this lack of subterfuge with a virtual stranger? Weird.
Maybe it was because the other woman had been unexpectedly open first.
There was also something about Savannah that Caitlin identified with, although she didn’t have that shadowed expression of a woman who had been married to a man who hurt her. Caitlin doubted very much the other woman would have agreed to a proxy wedding, under any circumstances, if her past reflected Caitlin’s either.
“You were married to a bully,” Savannah stated rather than asked.
Caitlin had never put it like that, but the other woman was absolutely right. “A professional.”
Savannah winced like she knew what that meant. “Nik’s not like that.”
“No.” Tack wouldn’t be his good friend if he were, and though she barely knew Savannah, Caitlin had the feeling the other woman would never expose her son to that environment either.
The love and protectiveness she felt toward the little boy had come through loud and clear on their brief acquaintance.
“I think Nik would cut off a limb rather than hurt someone weaker than him.”
“You’re lucky, then.”
Something passed over Savannah’s features. “Maybe I am at that.”
They ended up finishing their shopping together, chatting about Cailkirn and what Savannah should expect once the cruise ships started coming in next week.
“It’s insane. Over the course of the summer, we’ll see more than half a million tourists.”
“But it’s such a small town.”
“I know, right? It’s this crazy dichotomy that you either learn to live with or avoid.” Not that she’d experienced it herself much more growing up, as the ships hadn’t been as frequent then.
“Nikolai seems stressed about the tourist season.”
“Well, he has to run two businesses then,” Caitlin said as she put her groceries on the conveyor belt. “Both the Vasov mines and the Vasov Gold Mining tourist experience.”
Savannah looked surprised. “Oh, I didn’t realize.”
“Or he didn’t think to tell you.”
“He’s not a big talker.”
Caitlin had a feeling that was putting it mildly. “I got that impression, but Tack seems to like him.”
“Tack MacKinnon? You know him?”
“You’ll find that most people who have lived here longer than a year know pretty much everyone else, but Tack and I were best friends when we were kids.”
She wasn’t sure what they were now, but it wasn’t best friends. Caitlin had begun to suspect that she was Tack’s good deed for the decade and not a friend at all, no matter what he claimed.
“He’s come by the house a couple of times. He and Nikolai are pretty good friends.”
“There you go. Tack’s the most honorable man I know.” Honorable enough to feel some strange obligation to a woman who had rejected his friendship once upon a time. “He wouldn’t spend time with a bad man.”
“Oh, I never meant to imply—”
“Don’t stress it,” Caitlin interrupted. “You’re in a difficult situation. I, of all people, understand how many different reasons there might be for ending up there.”
Savannah nodded but didn’t add any more and Caitlin didn’t expect her to.
They checked out together and agreed they would try to carpool the next time they came into Kenai for shopping. Caitlin followed Nikolai Vasov’s F150 onto the highway until Savannah made the turnoff to his place a little north of Cailkirn.
* * *
Tack walked into MacKinnon Bros. Tours determined to pin Kitty down to a date for dinner with his family. Aana was convinced that it was his fault Kitty hadn’t come already.
His grandmother had gone so far as to tell him that it wasn’t the Inuit way to hold grudges. Egan, that little shit, hadn’t stood up for him at all, just saying he was staying out of it.
Tack didn’t know what his grandmother was thinking. If he was holding a grudge, would he have given Kitty a job?
But did Emaa think of that? No.
When Tack got inside, Bobby was leaning on the corner of Caitlin’s desk, one his granddad had in fact found in a family member’s attic. The big executive desk did give the reception area a more professional feel.
And Kitty looked like she belonged there, sitting behind it. Bobby hanging off the edge not so much.
“Get your ass to work,” Tack instructed his cousin as he approached her desk.
“I was working.” Bobby indicated Kitty with a wave of his hand and a smile toward her. “We were going over my schedule today.”
Tack felt like growling. “There’s little enough on it yet.”
“Yep. Next week is going to be insanity on wheels, according to Egan.” Bobby sounded like he relished the prospect.
“Throw in the fires of hell and you’ve got it about right.”
Bobby blanched. “The tourists aren’t that bad, are they?”
“You’ve lived here your whole life. What do you think?”
Bobby went off muttering about packing antacids, pain relievers, and tranquilizer darts in his pack.
Tack laughed. “That boy is going to give the tourists a run for their money.”
Kitty gave that almost-smile he’d seen a lot of since the hike. It was as fake as a “genuine Alaska gold nugget” marked with Made in China on the bottom. They sold those at one of the tourist shops owned by the cruise lines.
“Aana wants you to come to dinner tonight.”
Kitty opened her mouth, no doubt to come up with some reason why she couldn’t.
Tack put his hand up to forestall her. “I should warn you, I’ve already talked to your gran and she assures me that neither she nor her sisters need you for anything tonight.”
Kitty shut her mouth with a snap.
“What the hell, Kitty? Why are you avoiding my family? You said you don’t blame them.”
“I don’t!” She stood up, agitation clear in every line of her tiny body. “And I would appreciate you not referring to that conversation again.”
Was she thinner than on their hike? He hoped his eyes were playing tricks on him. “Then why won’t you come to dinner?”
“I’ve had things to do. I haven’t lied to you.”
“Well, you don’t have plans tonight,” he told her triumphantly.
Kitty opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before letting her face fall into that mask she probably thought looked peaceful but actually just looked empty. “Tell your mother I’ll be happy to join you for dinner.”
“You can tell her yourself. She’s coming in this afternoon.”
“I’ll be leaving at one to help out at the B and B.”
“Your gran said to relax this afternoon. It will probably be your last chance to have time off for a while.”