As I stood in front of all those college students, who were looking forward to their whole lives ahead and their dreams, I realized they were around the age I was when I had first been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wondered how many in the sea of strangers were dealing with what I struggled with, not knowing that they were wrestling with a disease that had a name. I wondered if they knew that the first step was letting someone know they needed help.
I wondered if a parent out there had a child who was struggling with it, or if someone’s brother or sister or father or mother was dealing with it. I wondered if they knew to look for the signs, and that diagnosis could be elusive like it was for me, but it could be treated with medicine, and managed with therapy.
I wanted to tell them what no one told that little boy I used to see when I looked in the mirror—the little boy who was scared and troubled and ended up in a mental institution. If I could go back and tell that little boy one thing, it would be this: when you’re going through hell, you never believe there’s going to be light at the end of the tunnel, but the only way out of the tunnel is to keep going through it.
Look at me: I survived the hell.
That younger me who was afraid of his father conquered that fear. The one who saw a mentally challenged kid in class and ached inside because I wanted him to feel joy has reckoned with his own mental illness, and is encouraging others to look in the mirror.
If my story can make a difference in even one other person’s life, then it will have made my journey worth it.
Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone who can handle the darkest dark. Someone who can face losing people, can let go of anger, someone who is trying his damnedest to communicate better with his kids, his wife, the people he loves. Someone who isn’t afraid to take on adversity as it comes.
I know my journey is far from over, but I also know this—the little boy who was afraid of the dark has found his way to the light.
Acknowledgments
I am blessed.
You might think it’s strange to say that, considering I’m bipolar, but I am, beyond my wildest dreams. I have had so many wonderful opportunities and my life is full of amazing people and love outshines not only the career achievements but the darkness as well. And for all that I am forever grateful.
I am also grateful that there must be angels looking out for me, because I’ve gone through so much darkness and yet have always survived and always found the light after the low points.
My earthly angel is also the love of my life—I am successful and alive and kicking because of my beautiful wife, Paula. I love you and cherish you more every day and thank God every minute that you didn’t get tired of my bullshit. Thank you for going along on what hasn’t always been an easy journey and for forgiving all my moods and loving me anyway. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Aside from your amazing unconditional love, you also gave me the best present I will ever receive, our family, which means more to me than anything else in the world.
To Heather, Cailey, Cassidy, and Joshua, you are my heart, and I love you so much. Being a father has been the highlight of my life even when I don’t say that enough. No matter how much success I achieve or how many awards I win, there is no accolade or role or experience that can ever match being your dad. I know you haven’t always seen me at my best, but I’m grateful that you still love me and forgive me. You are each so special and make me so proud and I can’t wait to see what happens in your lives.
Of course, I wouldn’t have my own family if my parents had given up on me when I had my first breakdown. Mom and Dad, I put you through hell, and for that I’m sorry. Mom, you were the first one to really believe in me and I couldn’t have gotten to where I am without your love and support. Dad, you’re my idol—we may have had our differences, but I’m glad we got to the other side of that and I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t helped me out when I was down. I love you both.
This book wouldn’t be possible without my entire family letting me share our personal memories with strangers, so I want each of you to know how much I appreciate you understanding the importance of telling my story—the good, bad, and ugly.
Those memories never would have made it to the page if Paula hadn’t believed in this book so fiercely, and it would also not be in your hands if she hadn’t suggested that our dear friend Susan Black, a fantastic writer, collaborate with me. I really want to thank Sue for being patient with me, asking me the hard questions, and working tirelessly to help make sense of the stories and memories I shared. It was hard and therapeutic for me and Sue understood that, and I can’t think of anyone else I could have gone on that journey with. She’s the best.
Sue was convinced Jennifer De Chiara was the perfect agent for the book, and she couldn’t have been more correct. Jennifer, your instincts were invaluable and I want to thank you for that and for bringing the amazing team at HarperCollins on board. Thank you to our insightful editor Anna Montague, Lisa Sharkey and her Creative Development team, Benjamin Steinberg and the marketing team, Kelly Rudolph and the publicity team, and Jim Warren for the kick-ass cover photo.
I’m fortunate that I have had such good friends to share my life with and even though some are gone, I carry a piece of them in my heart and head and they have also made me who I am. Jeff, Ray, Manny, Carol, Donna, and all my animals, thank you for everything and I’ll see you in my dreams. To the friends who are still around, thanks for still putting up with me. Melissa Heck, thank you for always being there to help me through my really tough times and understanding who I really am and believing in me from the moment we met. Thanks, too, for always being there to help Paula and the family. There are too many things to list, but I appreciate all of it more than you know. I’m glad you’re in my world—and really glad you relentlessly bugged me to do that social media thing.
I don’t know where I’d be without the acting teachers who took an interest when I was green. Many thanks to Howard Fine for showing me what acting is all about, Alan Drew for being my early mentor, and Joan Kenley for changing my voice and helping change my career.
I’ve worked with so many great actors. I love actors, and to all my costars both on GH and the films I’ve worked in, you don’t realize how much you all mean to mean to me and how much I learned from everyone. Angelo Pagán, thanks for letting me take your place in the play, Michael Knight for being so funny, Desi Arnaz for being a great character to play, and Frances Fisher for being so kind to a young and scared actor.
To the rest of my GH family: Thank you first and foremost to Wendy Riche and Shelley Curtis for giving me the opportunity of a lifetime and sticking with me when I had a breakdown. Bob Guza, thanks for the Dark Side, Jill Farren-Phelps for being the mother I needed at work during rough periods, and the crew, you’re awesome—Dean Cosanella, my cameraman with beautiful hair; Jerry O’Dwyer, the Santa Claus of the crew; Craiger—Craig McManus—one of the kindest men I know and who Donna loved dearly; Anzhela Adzhiya, who makes my hair look perfect every day; Nneka Garland, thanks for being Nneka; and everyone else on the crew, you mean more to me than you know. Our multi-Emmy-Award-winning casting director, Mark Teschner, thanks for surrounding me with amazing talent for twenty-seven years. And last but not least, Frank Valentini, the master at keeping the machine running, you just know what’s needed and somehow make it happen. It blows me away how generous you have always been, just saying, “Spread your wings,” whenever I wanted and needed to do other projects creatively.
Part of that GH family includes all of you out there who have cared and tuned in over the years. I can’t thank you enough and I wish I could really tell you how incredible, honored, and privileged it has made me feel that you have believed in me from the start. Your loyalty to GH is second to none and your loyalty to me leaves me speechless.
There are many professionals who have helped me on my mental health journey and I really owe them my gratitude. First and foremost, Dr. Noonan, you saved my life. Holly Hines, thank y
ou for supporting me in times of real crisis. Dr. Friedemann Schaub, you are the most incredible therapist for my struggle with anxiety and have helped me tremendously.
Oprah, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Oz also deserve a huge shout-out for letting me use their wonderful public platforms for mental health education. Oprah, thank you for being Oprah and for allowing me to open up about really dark events. You were so incredible to me and my wife and I’ll never forget it. Dr. Oz, thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak in depth about my bipolar experience. Dr. Drew, I’m glad we have a connection—your insight is uncanny.
To the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services, the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), the International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF), and all the other mental health organizations I have had the honor to be associated with, you rock for the important work you do.
To all the people, famous or not, who are brave enough to get up every day and keep on facing challenges, and to share their mental health stories with others, thank you. To every person out there who had the courage to write me or tell me in person about their pain and said I helped them or inspired them by telling my story, that humbles and moves me more than you know and you also inspired me to put everything down in this book.
For anyone who may be having a tough time, reach out and talk to somebody about it. It helps. Hang on to hope and hang in there—the darkness doesn’t last forever and the light will reappear. It isn’t always easy but it’s possible; I’m proof of that.
As Paula always says, “You’re stronger than you know.”
Photo Section
1960s
My mom loved this outfit, I hated it.
My big bro, H.J.—or Humbug—always had my back. I love him. And how about those dimples?
That towering, scary man was also a loving father that happened to be my hero.
My good-looking parents all dressed up with their boys. Goodbye, 1970s.
College Park High School, Class of 1981. It was a miracle I graduated. But man, did we celebrate.
And the love story begins . . .
The “Most Watchable Man” meets the most beautiful girl in the world.
The day I asked my wife to marry me
August 11, 1990—the day I married my wife at my parents’ house. Here we are with my brother, H.J.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
The day I surprised my wife with the wedding she never got. The sky was black, and I was so nervous the wedding would be ruined, but the moment she walked down the aisle, the clouds parted and a clear beautiful sky appeared.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Paula and I had our first wedding in my parents’ backyard, and this one—our second—was in our own backyard. It was a dream to have my whole family be a part of my celebration of love for my wife.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
It took me ten years to make it up to my wife and have her dream wedding. Our daughters made it just perfect.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
My kids are my whole world
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Cassidy
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Cailey
Joshua
Heather
The love my kids have for Paula melts my heart.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
We adopted Heather when she was thirteen, but she was always a part of our lives.
Girls rule our house.
Photo courtesy of Soaps in Depth
Cassidy
My boy, Joshua
Oprah’s Where Are They Now?
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Sharing my second shocking Emmy win with my lovely Cassidy
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Sharing my first Emmy win with three-year-old Cassidy
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Greatest night ever! My dad was so happy.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
My wife is always by my side.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
General Hospital, Family Affair
Steve Burton is a brother to me, he has always had my back. And he’s an incredible actor.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
The dream team
Tony Geary is my dear friend and a true legend.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
My kids grew up at General Hospital. From left to right: Jason Thompson, Heather Benard, Jonathan Jackson, Cailey Benard, Nathan Parsons, Drew Garrett.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
General Hospital’s Christmas party. The “Boss” with Old and Young Sonny.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Sonny and Jason may hate Jax, but we are great “mates” outside of work.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
This is how I feel every time I work with Max Gail.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Kin Shriner, my close friend, who’s always making me laugh
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
My new friend, Stephen A. Smith, Mr. Jack-of-All-Trades, star of ESPN, now starring on General Hospital as Brick. Matt Cohen is a genuine soul.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
All My Children
Dominic Zamprogna is not only a great actor but a great friend.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Chad Duell, Bryan Craig, and Joshua. I gave Chad a hard time initially but we then became close friends. What Bryan did with the bipolar story line was second to none.
Photo courtesy of Melissa Heck
Lexi Ainsworth is very sweet but fierce!
Eden McCoy is so pleasant to be around.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
These twins steal my heart.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
These women are all so talented and it’s been a pleasure to work with them. Talk about Girl Power!
Laura Wright
Photo courtesy of Soaps in Depth
Victoria Gotti
Genie Francis
Vanessa Marcil
Photo courtesy of Soaps in Depth
Donna Messina, December 6, 2018
My need to express myself outside of General Hospital. Thank you, Frank Valentini. Joshua and I at the screening for my first horror film.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
My proud mom and dad
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
One of my toughest roles to date, playing John Gotti
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
The Ghost and the Whale. Proudly produced by my wife, Paula.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
The Ghost and the Whale
My dad is one of the funniest men I know. I love having him on stage with me, except when he steals the show from me and doesn’t want to leave the stage.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Speaking out on mental health has and always will be my biggest passion in life. It’s the reason for this book. I hope to see you all on the road when I begin my State of Mind tour.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Embrace Real Artists, Talent Agency. Frank Cammarata, me, Joshua.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
My boy, Joshua, has been on stage with me since he was two years old. Talk about a natural talent.
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
My Boys
My boy, Joshua
Photo courtesy of Jonathan Antin
Cain. Miss you, bud.
Buddy the Goat
My girls all found real heroes
Heather and Phil Anderson
Married June 29, 2019
SERGEANT, UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS
Photo courtesy of Lukas VanDyke
Cailey and Carlos Avila
Soon to
be married June 6, 2020
FIREFIGHTER
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
Cassidy Rose Benard and Anthony Cammarata
UNITED STATES AIR FORCE
Photo courtesy of Jim Warren
About the Authors
MAURICE BENARD is a two-time Emmy Award–winning film and television actor, a member of the prestigious Actors Studio, and an advocate for mental health awareness. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age twenty-two, he has since worked with numerous organizations to raise awareness, and has been honored many times over the years by the International Bipolar Foundation, the National Alliance of Mental Illness, Mental Health America, and Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services, to name a few. He is passionate about erasing the stigma surrounding mental health and reaching out to those in need by speaking at events and on his weekly Instagram program State of Mind, as well as launching the website mbstateofmind.com. Early on in his career he played Desi Arnaz, and more recently John Gotti, in their popular biopics. He lives in California with his wife, Paula, numerous animals, and is the proud father of three daughters and a son.
SUSAN BLACK’S screenwriting credits include NBC’s Emmy Award–winning series A Year in the Life; HBO’s State of Emergency, for which she received the PEN Literary Award and CableAce and Humanitas Award nominations; and Showtime’s Tapestries of Hope, shot in Zimbabwe, which she also produced, to name a few. Previously a staff writer at Warner Bros. Pictures, Black is also an alumnus of the American Film Institute Conservatory drama program and resides in California with her animals. She currently has several projects in development and is working on her next book.
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