by Anna J.
When I turned around, Khalid was standing in the doorway with a hurt look on his face. I cradled the drugs closer to my chest to try to hide them, but I knew it was too late. I didn’t bother to say a word. Instead, I brushed past him and rushed to my room, closing the door behind me. I felt bad for all of four seconds, but that thought went out the window once I got my mirror out and spread out five neat lines. I would deal with Khalid later. For now, I needed to be on cloud nine.
Journey Clayton
Love Less Complicated
It took days for Khalid to come back. He wouldn’t answer my calls or text messages. I didn’t want to go around his house, because I didn’t want Vince to see me walking by. I wondered briefly if Mr. Joey knew he had gone back home. I tried to get Toya to make some sense of the situation, but all she told me to do was fall back and let the situation work itself out. I missed him so much, and wasn’t really trying to hear that. She had her own shit going on, though. I’d been seeing on the news that Bunz had a bid on his head, and come to find out he’d been hiding out in Toya’s spot for the past few weeks. He had a healthy bid, too, and if Toya weren’t my girl, I’d turn his ass in for that change. You know how we do in the hood, though. Snitches get stitches, and she’s always been in my corner, so I would never turn on her like that.
I’d been hearing rumors around the way that Gina and Khalid had something going on. I tried to ignore it, because we promised to save ourselves for each other, and I would hate to find out that I was fighting my uncle off me all this time in vain. I knew he was going through it, though. I didn’t know Ms. Shanyce was turned out like that. I hooked her up when she came by, but I didn’t think anything of it. She wasn’t at the stage I guess that my mom was at; that’s why I never paid it much attention. Now look at us.
I thought I heard the living room door open, but I wasn’t sure, and I was almost certain I locked it. I hadn’t seen Vince in a while, and I had some product cooked and bagged in the stash, so maybe he was coming to get it. I made sure I was cool, dressed in a pair of cotton shorts and a wife beater, with no bra or panties. I thought to get up right quick and put some on, but I didn’t want him to catch me half naked and give him a reason to touch me yet again.
“Journey, where the stuff at?” Vince said, poking his head into the room. He looked zoned out as usual, probably still messing with those pancakes and syrup. I was hoping he would just get his shit and go, because I was not in the mood for him today. My mind was on Khalid and when he would speak to me again.
“In the safe,” I responded in an agitated voice. I mean, where the hell else would it be? That had been the set-up since day one, so why would it change now?
He stood in the doorway longer than what felt comfortable for me. I knew he was sizing me up, and I was mad as hell that I didn’t just get under the covers and pretend like I was asleep. Vince hadn’t been by since me and Khalid went to the movies that night, and I knew what time it was instantly.
“What you watching, baby girl?” Vince asked as he came into my room uninvited and stood next to my bed, looking at the television like he was really interested in what was on. I took the pillow from behind my head and placed it in front of me, so that he couldn’t see my bare breasts through my shirt. My heart was racing a mile a minute, and I hoped I wouldn’t have to act a fool in here.
“A Different World,” I responded, once again hoping he would just leave. He had this simple-ass look on his face that he normally got every time he knew he was about to do something wrong. Today it wouldn’t be that easy.
“This is my shit. Move over so I can sit down.”
“Why can’t you watch it in the living room?” I asked him, placing my feet on the edge of the bed so that he couldn’t sit down.
“Because I want to watch it in here with you,” he responded, practically sitting on my legs.
I wanted to get up, but I didn’t want him to see my ass jiggle around in these little-ass shorts. I had something for his ass today, though. Just in case he tried some stupid shit, I had gone out and got myself some protection. I was tired of living in fear, and if he was smart, he’d just leave.
He scooted back on the bed, rubbing his dry, cracked hands up and down my exposed legs. I was lying in a fetal position, so when he rubbed his hands up my legs, he went under my shorts in the back, finding that I didn’t have any panties on to cover myself up. I wanted to kick myself, because I should have put the bolt lock on the door so that he couldn’t get in. Khalid had me slipping. I wanted him here so bad.
“How was your birthday, Journey? What are you, fourteen or fifteen now?” he asked sarcastically, never taking his eyes from the television.
“I’m fourteen.”
“Good, that means I didn’t miss out.”
I remained silent. He promised me when I was nine that once I turned fourteen, he would take my virginity. How stupid was he going to look when he found out I was not a virgin anymore? I made sure the only person in the world who ever loved me, outside of my mother, got the most important gift I could give him. Fuck Vince.
We were both silent, watching television like we’d never seen this episode before. I was trying to act like I wasn’t concerned with his presence here, but on the flip side, my head was hurting and my chest was tight just thinking about what he might try to do to me.
He hooked his fingers into the waist of my shorts and tried to pull them down. I used all of my strength to keep them up. I wasn’t letting him just take me like I did in the past. If he got it today, it would be well deserved, because I was fighting for my life. After being with Khalid and experiencing firsthand what love was about, I couldn’t let him do this to me anymore. Khalid showed me I was worth more, and I had to prove to Vince that I was no longer scared. I couldn’t keep letting this happen.
It was like everything slowed down and moved in slow motion. He kneeled down on the edge of the bed and used both hands to pull my shorts down. In my head, I began to scream, but it didn’t reach my mouth, because all I heard were my uncle’s muffled words and the television playing. I began to kick my legs and tug on my shorts, trying to keep him from exposing me. I just had to get behind the door and I would be able to get out of the house.
“Why are you making this harder for yourself?” he asked me as we wrestled on the bed. The heel of my foot grazed across the front of his sweat pants, and it felt like this fool was rock fucking hard. I moved back to kick him in his privates, but he grabbed my ankle and twisted it hard as hell. I didn’t give a damn if he broke it in half; if I had to crawl out of here today, I would be free of this forever.
“Vince, just chill. Let me freshen up and I got you,” I said to him, desperately trying to find any way I could to get up from the bed.
“Listen here, you little bitch,” he said as he lay down on top of me, pinning me to the bed. “I’m taking this pussy. I’ve been paying for it for too long. Dead or alive, I’m taking this shit tonight.”
He got up off of me and began to undress, placing a gun on the floor by the bed. Was I really ready to die tonight? I decided I was, and I knew I had to put a plan in action. Vince lay down on the bed and turned off the television. He liked silence so that he could hear himself talk shit.
I pretended like I was getting myself prepared for him as I inched closer to the door. I had my shirt up, exposing my naked breasts to him, causing him to moan out loud as he stroked his massive length from the head to the base in one fluid motion. I came out of my shirt and bent over like I was going to take off my shorts, but instead grabbing the lamp I’d picked out at Kmart at the beginning of the summer.
He never knew what hit him. I came up and brought my shoulders around, bashing him in his chest first before he could react. I kept swinging, connecting with flesh until it became soft and mushy. I made a few shots to the head as well, hoping I bashed his damn brains in. When I finally stopped, Vince was lying in a heap of crushed bones and blood.
I scooted closer and picked up the gun, not
sure how to work it. He didn’t look like he would be moving anytime soon, so I took that opportunity to get the hell out of dodge. Khalid would know what to do. I knew he was mad at me, but right now I needed him.
Bunz B
Last Shot
I had to make a run for it. Everyone was on lockdown except for me, and that meant someone was bound to start snitching on my ass to get less time. Toya was acting a little funny lately, too, like she might be trying to turn me in or something. I just hoped I wouldn’t have to body this broad before I rolled out.
The Ville was talking, and come to find out the law has been doing random busts, going up into apartments where they thought I might be. I could see why she was getting nervous. I stashed a few thousand dollars in a floorboard in her room. Just in case I had to jet, I’d at least have something to come back to. I spoke with Vince and Choice from Toya’s phone, and they agreed to make an exchange for the coke I had.
I’d been trying to get with Vince all night, but he wasn’t answering his phone. He told me to meet him and Choice at the bottom of the hill, so I figured I’d just go down there and wait. I was sure he’d show up. He was a greedy nigga, so if money was involved, he was trying to get it.
Toya was lying next to me asleep. I slipped a few crushed Tylenol PM’s in her iced tea while she was in the shower, so she would be out for a while. Hopefully the four pills wouldn’t kill her and she’d be there when I got back.
I didn’t normally go out without my crew, but they were all on lockdown, so I had no choice. I felt like I was making a mistake, like I should just stay in hiding, but I had to get this change if I wanted to be sitting pretty in Miami in the next couple of days.
I pulled up to the mouth of Bartram’s Garden at three in the morning. It was darker than normal. I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face. I did as I was told, parking my car by the jungle gym and taking a seat on the sliding board. It was too quiet. I felt like something was going to happen, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
It sounded like I heard cars approaching the park, but I thought nothing of it because Choice and Vince were supposed to be meeting me here over a half hour ago. The hair on the back of my neck started standing up. Something wasn’t right. Deciding to take the loss and just go back to the crib, I was suddenly blinded by flashing lights. There must have been a thousand cop cars coming from all directions, and I had nowhere to run. I didn’t even have time to stash my coke.
While I was being put into one of the squad cars, I heard an officer say that they discovered Toya’s body in the apartment, barely conscious. She was being rushed to the hospital as we spoke to get her stomach pumped. Shit, I almost killed the girl. There was really nothing I could do. I wouldn’t be taking this stretch by myself, though. I had a whole list of names that would help me get less time. No one liked me anyway, so snitching these niggas out would be nothing.
I wondered briefly who had called the cops, because Vince and Choice never showed up, and they would have definitely gotten the work from me before calling the law. Maybe they were on their way over to me and were deterred when they saw the cops outside. I’d find out once I was in lockdown, though, because word spreads fast around the jail, so it would eventually be said what happened.
It was almost like I was in a funeral procession as the fifty or so cop cars left from down the park. I took in everything I could as we drove by, because I didn’t know when would be the next time I saw daylight. It could have turned out so much better than this had I just done things differently. Fuck it now, though. I had to take this shit as it came.
Khalid Street
A Moment of Desperation
My mom was a fiend. I was just going to my room to get a few more outfits so that I could go back to Journey’s when I saw her rummaging through my closet. I knew what she was looking for. My dad kept his stash in there. I thought for sure he would have cleaned everything out, but apparently she found something in the corner.
She looked confused and desperate when she saw me standing in the doorway. What could I say? She was busted, but I wasn’t standing around to watch her kill herself. She rushed past me and ran into her bedroom. I was going to follow behind her, but what difference would it make? She was already out there. I’d seen it too many times.
I didn’t know where my dad was at. He wasn’t answering his phone.
On my way to Journey’s house, I saw a ton of police cars coming from the park, and wondered briefly who they caught. I hoped it wasn’t my dad as I made my way around the corner. Those same knucklehead-ass dudes were out there as I walked by.
“That was your mom, yo? She’s one of my favorite customers,” the one guy said, drawing a round of laughter from the group. Today would be the day he would get his ass whipped, because I was not in the mood.
“Don’t sell her shit,” I said through gritted teeth. I was ready to be all over these dudes, despite the odds.
“And if I do, what?” he asked, stepping to me like he was ready to throw down. I was contemplating throwing a punch when out of the corner of my eye, I saw Journey running toward me. She was running so fast that she ran right by and I had to call her name and run behind her to get her to stop. She looked frantic, and I could see that she was crying. Who was she running from?
“Journey, hold up. What’s wrong?”
“It’s Vince. I think he’s dead. He tried to rape me,” she said through tears and shortness of breath.
What did she mean, he was dead? How was he trying to rape her?
“Baby, slow down. Tell me what happened.”
Before she could answer, I felt those guys running up behind us, but I didn’t have time to react. I would just have to go out swinging and hope that Journey got away. The look on her face told me things weren’t looking good, and when I turned around, I caught two bullets to the chest. I didn’t drop right away, because I couldn’t believe these niggas shot me. I wasn’t sure if they got Journey, too, because I couldn’t hear anymore and everything started to get dark. I should have kept my dad’s gun on me, and then maybe I would have had a chance. All I could do was pray that help came in time and Journey was okay. Shit, I couldn’t feel my legs at this moment. I was expecting a wild summer, but who knew it would turn out to end like this?
Journey Clayton
End of the Road
Who would’ve known that it would end like this? One day you’re on top of the world, and by the end of that very same day, you’re being buried in it. After all the hardships, I had hoped that one day my life would get better, but it never did. I hated the streets, I hated Vince, and I hated this neighborhood. I hated my life. We learned in school that your life is already written for you by God even before you get here, and I couldn’t help but wonder why God wrote this life for me. I didn’t believe in reincarnation, but if I did, I must have been a horrible person in previous lives. I was so confused about so many things, and I had no one to help me figure it out.
I should’ve taken another way, but how could I know that someone would try to kill me this evening? All this time I thought Vince was my worst nightmare, but I ran smack dab into a bullet. As I thought about it, though, dying may turn out to be a better option. At least I wouldn’t have to deal with this cruel world anymore, and I would see my mom again. God took her away way too soon. I needed her; I always did.
It was cold as heck out here, and I didn’t know if it was from the winter weather or the blood leaving my body. I tried to scoot closer to Khalid, but I couldn’t feel my legs. I couldn’t move my body, but surprisingly, I wasn’t all that scared. The one thing Vince taught me was to live without fear. The things you can’t change, you can’t stress. This was one of those times where I had no choice but to let this situation play out.
Life lessons. They say everyone that you meet, you were supposed to meet for one reason or another. I knew that was why God put Khalid in my life. He helped make it more bearable to deal with my troubles. Since my birth, I couldn’t remember any
happy times ever.
In reality, I guess we all have to go some time, right? I just wasn’t ready to go yet. When I tried to pick my head up from the hard concrete, it felt heavy, like a bowling ball. Why didn’t I just keep running?
I could hear the police sirens in the distance. I wanted to yell out to Khalid that help was coming, but I couldn’t move my lips. Through heavy eyelids, I saw my man lying on the ground next to me in a puddle of dark red blood, and I couldn’t move. I wanted to put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat, like I’d done so many times over the years, but I couldn’t move, and it was getting colder by the minute.
Vince used to tell me to beware of haters trying to take my shine, but it started with him taking my innocence, so who could I trust? Why now, God? Didn’t they teach us back in elementary school that God forgave all sins? I closed my eyes and began to pray for forgiveness. I forgave my uncle for what he did to me, even though I had already sent him to meet his maker, and I forgave the block for all the things it had done to me. Now I prayed that God would forgive me for all the lives I took by helping my uncle cook and package that deadly drug, Snow White, and I prayed . . . I prayed to make it another day.
Just as I was resting my head back on the concrete, I could hear the paramedics coming closer. Only thing is, I wasn’t sure if they were going to get to me before this white light did. I could feel them trying to straighten out my crumpled body, but was I ready? All I wanted to know was if Khalid was okay. If they told me that, I could take it from there. My mom always told me to pray when I was scared; I just wasn’t sure if my prayer made it to God’s ears on time.