by M Dauphin
“You know what? You want to deal with that family? Go right ahead. I’m not stopping you anymore.” I say, then I walk off. I need to collect myself.
Molly
After he ripped me a new asshole on the side of the street for being worried about my business, a business that I’ve worked my ass off to get where it is, Tatum walked away from me.
That was three days ago.
I haven’t heard his voice, I haven’t seen his face, and his motorcycle is still parked at my house. Three very long, depressing days. I don’t know where he is or if he’s coming back. The sinking feeling in my chest feels like there’s a boulder trying to pull me into the darkness. A darkness I remember feeling five years ago. This is why I chose not to love again. This feeling of despair when the person you love leaves you is awful. Second only to the despair of losing a child. Unfortunately, I’ve had enough of both of those to last a lifetime.
I haven’t been into the studio, but I’ve been working at home trying to keep my mind off of things. I haven’t heard anything from Rob. I guess I’m still doing the wedding next week since I haven’t been officially fired, but I don’t even care anymore. The Molly from three months ago would hate the girl I’ve turned in to, but I can’t help it. I loved him. Hell, I still love him. I just don’t know where he is.
A few close friends have stopped by the house to see how I’m doing. I lied and told them I have a stomach bug, that way when I ran to the bathroom to spill whatever was in my stomach they don’t think twice about the other reason I would be puking. They’ve brought me soup, bread, magazines. Never once asking where Tatum is. Never once acknowledging that he wasn’t here. It was like an unspoken rule: ‘don’t remind her that he left’.
On Friday morning, after three days without a shower (because being in there reminds me of our showers together, which would bring back the tears and depression) I finally decide it’s time to step up, get cleaned up, and go to the studio. If I’m still doing this wedding there are things that need to be finalized that I just can’t do from home.
I pull on my shorts then grab a t-shirt and flip flops. I said I was going out, not trying to win a fashion contest. This is comfortable Molly, if the town people don’t like it they can kiss my ass. I just don’t care anymore. All I can think about is Tatum. How sweet he could be, how caring he was. Hell, even when he was being protective and demanding I loved him. Every part of him. I thought this was it… I thought we would make it last. A part of me still hopes for that, but I’m trying to not get my hopes up. How he could walk away from me and stay away for three days with no contact has made me realize how easy it must have been for him. How could he just walk away from me like that, especially when I may be pregnant with his child?
Walking down the street, I’m struck with the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. My stomach feels like it’s on fire and I completely lose the ability to move. I can’t even stand anymore it’s so bad. I fall to my knees on the ground to try to compose myself, but the pain won’t stop. Oh God what’s happening!? Not again! I know what my body’s doing to me, but it can’t. I won’t let it! I’ve already let one baby die, this is not happening again!
People come running out of the store I’m in front of, talking to me, asking me questions but I can’t answer. All I can do is grit my teeth through the agonizing pain that’s now radiating through my entire body. I’m so dizzy, everything feels like it’s moving. God this is awful! All I can think to myself as my body is betraying me yet again is that I wish Tatum was here. I cry, I am pretty sure I scream, but then everything goes black.
9
Tatum
After I walked away from Molly I had some soul searching to do. I called Eddie and had him find me a place in town to rent under his name so I could have some time to myself. I love Molly so much it hurts. I miss her so much I can’t move without my body aching, begging me to go back to her. I need time, though. I went from not thinking I would ever want to love anyone, no kids, nothing, to having it all with her. I didn’t think I wanted any of it… then this red headed, green eyed vixen waltzed into my life and everything imploded. My heart started beating again, my brain started functioning properly again, and I learned how to smile again. The news she broke the other day made me feel like I could float I was so happy.
I know walking away from her was probably not the right choice, but there was so much more going on in my head at the time. I know myself, and when I get mad I do stupid things. Stupid things like walk away from the woman you love because you think she’d be happier without you. That was really it, too. Had I not been there, her life wouldn’t be falling down around her right now. She’d have a thriving business, a best friend still, and her schedule and money situation wouldn’t be about to dwindle due to another mouth to feed. Of course this is a stupid way of thinking, but I’m a man. It’s what I do. It’s not that I don’t plan on going back and begging forgiveness, I just need to straighten some of my shit up first.
I called Eddie yesterday and am having him do some heavy searches into the Delany family. It may not be legal, but this guy is so good no one will ever find traces of his snooping. Mr. Robert Delany is well known in Texas for some not so nice handlings of women. This news doesn’t surprise me, actually. The first time I looked into those eyes I knew there was an evil inside of him just waiting to get out. My phone rings, bringing me out of me thoughts. Eddie better have more information for me.
“Dude, why is it that you leave town and get into more trouble than you did when you lived here?” he starts.
“Shut it. Remember who pays you. What did you get?”
“Nate man...”
“Tatum. It’s Tatum.”
“Sorry TATUM. I’m surprised you never crossed this man’s path before.”
“What the hell do you mean, Eddie?” Growing impatient to his word games.
“He was Candace’s fucking brother, Tatum!” Eddie laughs, like it’s funny this man is related to the deceased mother of my deceased child.
That’s when it all fucking clicks. The baby blanket: only family would have rights to that shit, apparently being a Delany in Texas is a big enough deal to go against the Savage name. That’s why no one wanted to talk about what happened to the baby stuff, because they were scared shitless of the repercussions. The note: Revenge. Shit! Even down to threatening Molly and forcing me off of the shoot. It’s all because he believes I’m the reason his sister was killed. Mother fucker. I need to see her. Now.
I race out the door, unshaven and still in my clothes from yesterday. Not caring who notices where I came from, not caring at all who notices I haven’t showered in three days. I need to get to her. I need to apologize. I need to make this right, then finish what Robert Delany came here to start.
Molly
The words keep ringing in my head but I don’t quite think I’m processing them correctly.
I’ve been in the hospital for a day now, but I woke up from everything just a few hours ago. Since then, I’ve been given a wealth of information I wish I had never heard. I wish I could just go back to sleep and wake up from this damned nightmare.
Ectopic pregnancy.
Those two words keep coming out of the doctor’s mouth, but it’s not hitting home.
There was never a baby to begin with. Well, there was technically, but there wasn’t ever a chance for it. The doctor, a middle aged woman, notices I’m not paying attention anymore. How can I? My body failed me again.
“Molly, is there anyone you want us to call?” she asks gently, like I’m going to fucking break.
“No,” I said, then I did my best to roll over pain free and curl up. The doctor leaves shortly after that, telling me she’ll be back later to check the progress of the medicine they gave me.
I really don’t have anyone. I keep wishing I would wake up from this, but this is unfortunately as real as real life gets. Maybe I’m just not cut out for the white picket fence. Maybe I’m doomed to be the crazy cat lady.
/> A soft knock on the door makes me glance over, and standing there is a nurse. Tall, lanky, dark skin and buzzed head. He tilts his head to the side and smiles at me.
“Hey you, glad to see you’re awake. Up for company?”
“Sure, I guess.”
He walks in and pulls up a chair. Introducing himself as Trey, he starts spilling his guts about his day, and some boyfriend he misses. I’m not quite sure what he thinks he’s doing in a random patient’s room, but whatever it is, he’s cheering me up little by little. Trey is fantabulous in every definition of the word.
“So girlfriend, tell me. How are you taking this?” He’s referring to the news I just received, but I’m just thankful that he didn’t say those two words again.
“I’ll be okay,” I manage. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about the betrayal I feel. Both from Tatum and from my body. I love that man so much, that if he waltzed back in here now I would take him back no questions asked. That says how low I’ve gotten.
“You know, it’s not the end of the world.” I smile, because I know he’s trying his hardest to cheer me up.
“That’s not a very effective way to brighten someone up,” I answer. Instead of backpedaling, though, he pushes on with his theory.
“It may not seem like it, but it’s the truth. You got the cold hard facts. You now need to decide how you’re going to use it. Are you going to let it ruin you, or are you going to accept it and move forward?” His gentle smile does soothe me.
Maybe he’s right. I can live with it, I know that much, because I’ve done it before. My heart is still holding out for Tatum, though. Then the question will be if he can live with it or not. I’m not sure I can take him leaving me again.
I felt so comfortable with Trey I end up telling him everything. Never before have I thought I’d end up telling a random nurse my life story, but it feels good being able to talk about it and not have a panic attack. We chat for a while longer, then he leaves to check on other patients and I lay down for a nap. Falling asleep has been hard since Tatum left, but I’m so tired from the medication that it doesn’t take me long to fall into a deep slumber.
Tatum
The amount of misery I thought I had felt these last three days without her has just risen to a point I wasn’t even sure was humanly possible. I’m driving to the hospital two towns over, praying with each passing minute that she’s okay. No one could tell me anything, just that she fainted and the ambulance took her to the hospital. FUCK! I can’t even begin to process what would happen to my life without her in it. I was stupid, fucking stupid, to think that leaving her to sort out my shit would do any good.
Finally parking outside the hospital in what probably is a no parking zone, I run inside and find the first worker I can. Someone has to tell me where she is. After a few scrutinizing stares from onlookers, I’m finally able to find out what room she’s in. All it takes is a tiny white lie. A white lie that I will make the truth if she’ll ever forgive me for how stupid I’ve been. Why does it always take tragedy for people to realize their mistakes?
I’m riding the elevator with an old man. He has flowers in his hand and when he catches me staring at them he finally speaks up.
“You forgot flowers, didn’t you?” Shit.
I nod my head and stare at the floor. I’m a Savage, when the fuck did I become a hopeless romantic. All I can think of was how sweet this old guy is, and how much more of a dick I am that I don’t have flowers with me. Who the hell doesn’t bring the woman they love flowers when she’s in the hospital?!
“I was rushed, the thought never even crossed my mind honestly,” I mumble, embarrassed.
Me! Tatum Savage, embarrassed. I never thought the day would come.
“Here kid, have mine. My lady hasn’t woken up for four months, so I’m sure she won’t miss these,” he says as his shaky hands reach over to hand me the bouquet of flowers.
I thank him, and when the doors ding open he shuffles out of my sight.
Shit.
She’s pregnant. The smell of flowers makes her sick! Damnit. I shake my head and when the elevator door dings open at her floor. Following the signs, I numbly head towards her room. As I’m standing in front of her closed door a male nurse walks by. I see him in my peripheral vision. He stops, turns and looks at me, then sways back in my direction.
“You here to see someone? You look a little lost,” He says as he leans against the wall. Tall and lanky, buzzed hair. Looks nice enough to help me out.
“Molly. My..er..wife. She’s in there.”
He looks at me quizzically for a second, then asks me to follow him to sign in.
“Oh, wait,” I say before taking off again for her room. “Can you hang on to these? I got her flowers the other day and the smell bothered her so much she made me take them away. I’d hate to make her sick again. Crazy pregnancy hormones,” I chuckle nervously.
His otherwise chipper expression falls just the slightest at my mention of her morning sickness, but he plasters it back quite nicely as he gently takes the flowers from me and sets them carefully on the counter. What the hell was that?
“Wait. Tatum. Just so you know, she’s been very sleepy with all of the pain meds. Be gentle with her,” he says as I started walking away. I turn and look at him, cocking my head. I hate that he knows more than I do.
“What happened to her? No one’s been able to tell me anything yet.”
“Oh dear.” He shakes his head. “You really need to talk with your wife about that one. Follow me.” The emphasis on the word ‘wife’ tells me that he knows the truth, and that she’s not really my wife. I’m appreciative, though, because I’m fairly certain non-family members are only allowed in the visiting room. This is the ICU. Something’s terrible wrong.
He asks me to stay behind for a moment when he checks with Molly to make sure it’s ok for me to be there. I do as he asks and when we get there he opens the door just a crack. I hear him ask if she’s up for visitors and hear a very distinct ‘no’ in the voice that I miss so much. He glances back at me with pity in his eyes, the one emotion that I hate. He then slips inside the room and shuts the door behind him.
I wait for what feels like forever before he comes back out and nods for me to go in. Thankfully he closes the door behind me. This isn’t going to be pretty. I’m not sure if I’d want to public being able to see me on my knees begging for forgiveness, but that’s what I’m prepared to do when I walk through the door.
What I’m not prepared for is how, dull (for lack of better words) Molly looks. She’s sitting up in bed, hair tied low on her neck, no emotion on her face, no glow to her skin, no shine to her eyes. She watches me walk in the room and sit on her bedside. She starts to cry before I’m able to get one word out. I know. She doesn’t have to say a word and I know why she’s here. There’s no baby. Not anymore.
“I’m sorry Tatum…I failed...” She whispers, as a tear finally streaks down her face. I wipe it away and cup her face in my hands. My heart feels like it’s been completely shattered, but I know the pain I feel is nothing compared to what she’s going through. Jesus, I’m a fucking idiot.
“No baby, no. I was a fool. I was a hot headed, jealous, stupid, fool. God I’m so sorry Molly. I’m sorry for blowing up like I did, I’m sorry for hurting you and for leaving you. I’m sorry for not being here when you needed me most. I am so fucking sorry.” The tears are running down my face but I can’t stop them. I don’t want to stop them. This hurts so bad. “I would give my life for you, Molly, I love you that much. You don’t have to tell me everything now, but one day I want to know what happened. I want to be here for you every minute of every day. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” My voice is barely a whisper now, begging her to forgive me. She sits there, letting me touch her but not really responding. Her face turns towards the window and she doesn’t reply.
Not one damn word.
What have I done? Did I just ruin the best thing I’ve ever had?
10
Molly
He won’t stop apologizing. Maybe it’s because I haven’t replied yet, maybe it’s because it’s his way of grieving. Either way, I let him keep going. He deserves to feel some of the pain I’ve felt these last few days. He deserves to know what guilt feels like. He deserves it, but I still love him. A part of me feels like it was glued back together when Trey told me he was here. Not quite back to the fullness my heart felt just four days ago, but definitely on its way.
“Tatum.” I start. I know I have to talk to him about this. I know we have to clear the air. It isn’t going to be fun, but we can’t move on without this.
“I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt like a bitch when you left. I was floored that you could walk away from me like that. You left no sign that you were ever going to come back, so every day I would wake up and spend the whole day praying that you would come back for me. Every day I went to bed knowing that you didn’t.”
“I know, Molly I’m-“
“I’m not done,” I interject. He’s going to listen, damnit. “What I fear most, out of all of this, is that you will, one day, be able to walk away from me again and not look back. Ever. Three days without you taught me how much I’ve come to depend on you. How much my heart hurts and body aches when you aren’t in my life. I don’t want the rest of my life to be like these last three days. So if you can’t promise forever, I need you to walk away now.” It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to say, but it had to be said. He looks at me, eyebrows furrowed, and shakes his head.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He takes my hand and kisses it gently. “Not now, not ever.” He whispers the promise, then kisses me gently on the lips. “I love you more than you’ll ever know Molly. These three days have been hell on earth without you.”