And Soren. If Chris embodied light, Soren reveled in darkness. When I was with him, I had no doubts that he would do whatever it took to protect me. He gave me a safe place that called to something inside that I never knew was there. The primal part of me craved him.
How could I decide between two halves of myself?
Soren growled and started to rise, just like the violence that vibrated against my skin. As it grew between the two men, I knew I had to say something. But what?
“I can’t. You two can’t ask me this!” I yelled and jumped up.
I couldn’t breathe. The room became too small, and my thoughts bounced too much. My feet took off, and I let them carry me away from the voices behind me. The smack of flesh against flesh was the last thing I heard before I ran down the hall, through the community area, and outside.
I wandered until dark, and even then, Coleen had to come find me. All day, I’d tried to choose, but as the temperatures began to fall and I found myself twirling a rock between my fingers, I still hadn’t settled on either one. Coleen let me cry on her shoulder for a while before making me come inside.
She threw her arm around me and escorted me to her room, glaring at the sources of my trouble when we passed them. They tried to speak, but I couldn’t even look at them. I felt like a horrible person, as though I’d led them both on. Surely, they were hurting too, but no matter what I did, someone lost. But who?
We entered Coleen’s room, and she tucked me into her bed before climbing into the one Mike brought in. She grabbed my hand and squeezed tightly.
“Won’t Mike need a bed?” I whispered.
“Nah, he’s taking yours tonight. Want to tell me what happened? Want me to have Mike accidentally lose them both on the next run? I will, you know,” she asked.
I laughed, the sound bitter and flat. “No. It isn’t anything they’ve done. They wanted me to decide, to stop playing with them. I couldn’t.”
Her eyes narrowed, and her nose scrunched up like it always did when she thought really hard. “Have you been playing? That doesn’t sound like you.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t mean to. At first, it was just being friends. Then it was just a couple of kisses. No big deal, right? But when they asked, I realized it wasn’t just a bit of kissing. I really like them both. What do I do? Which one should I pick?”
I looked at her, hoping she would solve my problem, but my hopes fell when she shook her head slightly.
“I can’t tell you that, and you know it. You’re going to have to tell them what you just said. No, no, don’t talk back. Just listen. This is the end of the fucking world. We make our own rules now. So, you grow up and have that conversation with both of them tomorrow. Tell them what you told me and let them decide what they can handle.” She must have seen my scrunched up face because she answered my unspoken question. “Who says you can’t have them both?”
“You mean date both of them? At the same time?” I gasped out, my eyes glazing over as I let the possibility run through my head. “No, that won’t work. Won’t one get jealous? People don’t do that. Do they?”
My voice must have revealed the kernel of hope in it, because she gave me a small smile and said, “People have done that since the beginning of time, hun. As long as you all decide to put in the work and you all agree, I don’t see any reason why you can’t date both of them. Sure, there will be some adjustments at first, but if you three want to try, I’ll be behind you all the way. Wait. I’ll be in front of you, spitting on anyone who says anything different. No, wait, maybe not in front of Soren. He’d run me over as he tried to stab whoever said it.”
I laughed, picturing that whole scene. She was right. He would stab them or, at least, beat the shit out of them.
“You really think so?”
“Yeah, I really think so. Now go to bed. You look like shit,” she said and laughed as I slapped at her.
“Bitch.” A small smile crept up on my lips as I allowed my mind to begin to picture life with both Soren and Chris.
“Yeah, I love you, too.”
A thought hit me. “Wait. Which bed do you and Mike…”
Her smirk made me throw my covers back as I scrambled up and dove onto her. She laughed so hard, she couldn’t even fight back. Thank God for friends, especially her.
Shay
When I woke up the next morning, Coleen had already gotten up, visited Mike judging by the grin on her lips, and rummaged through what little clothing I had.
“Here. Get dressed,” she said as she tossed my best outfit onto my head. “And no, we didn’t use your bed.”
“Thank fuck for that. I love both of you, but not that much,” I teased as I yanked my top off and slipped the new one on.
When she didn’t sass back, I took a closer look at her face. It didn’t quite look right. Something weighed on her shoulders, something that hadn’t been there the night before.
“Hey. What’s wrong?” I asked, shimmying out of my pants.
She shook her head, pasting a brittle smile on her lips. “Nothing. It’s a big day, so get dressed. I’m sure they would appreciate you without pants, but it might be too distracting.”
I jerked my pants up. Each second she spoke, my heart fell and my mind began to imagine terrible things. If she wouldn’t tell me because it would upset me…
Walking over to her, I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her stiff body against mine. My hand brushed down her hair as I whispered, “Tell me.”
I felt a second of stiffening before she hiccuped a little sob and pressed fists into my back. Frankly, that shit hurt, but I kept my mouth shut as she started to cry in earnest.
“Cry it out. That’s right. I’m right here. Always will be.” I kept running my hand over her head and back until she slowed.
When she did, I turned her, directing her towards the bed so she could sit. I took the spot next to her, and with one arm wrapped around her shoulders, I pulled her closer so she could rest on me. We sat in silence as I waited her out. She would speak whenever she got ready to. We were opposites like that. She had to make me say my problems, and I had to simply be there waiting for her to freely offer hers.
“When I went to get your clothes this morning,” she began, her voice growing stronger with each word. “I dug through your things. I wanted to make sure you felt confident, you know?”
I nodded, keeping quiet.
“Well, I found your little stash of monthly supplies.”
I held in a laugh at her phrase for tampons and pads. She had issues just saying the words.
“Do you need to borrow some? I don’t mind,” I said, hoping the conversation wasn’t going where I thought it might be.
“No,” she wailed before she broke down again.
Shit. We rocked back and forth.
“Did you tell Mike?” I whispered when she calmed enough to hear me.
She shook her head and pulled away enough, so she could look up at me. “I counted. I’m definitely late. What am I going to do?”
Tears rolled down her face, and I reached up, placing both of my hands on either side of her face. With my thumbs, I wiped the tears away as I told her, “We make our own fucking rules, remember? We will get through this. Mike will be happy. Well, after he stops panicking. You will be a great mother, and I will spoil the shit out of my niece or nephew.”
“I’m scared, Shay. I wanted babies, but I wanted epidurals and formula and diapers and cute shoes. This world isn’t safe. What if something happens?”
“Then we figure it out. And next run, I’m getting so many baby things, Mike will break his back carrying them all back.” I nodded, and relief hit me as the corners of her lips turned up. “Now, take these hormones to Mike. He should get used to them now.”
“Oh, shit. What if he’s mad?” she asked, her eyes welling up again.
“Then we’ll kill him in his sleep. Face it. He’s a big fucker. We wouldn’t stand a chance unless he was asleep.”
Thankfully, s
he laughed which I’d hoped for.
“Right. Him being a big fucker is what got us in this spot in the first place.” She grinned as I gasped, pretending to be too innocent for such talk. “Now, go get you a couple of your own while I go freak out the one I have.”
I sighed. Despite standing and straightening my back like I actually had a clue how to handle things, I really wanted to run and hide. With one last glance back at my friend, I ducked into the hall. Shit. At least I wasn’t pregnant, I guess.
Chris
My head drooped over my breakfast. I hadn’t really eaten any of it, but it seemed like the thing I was supposed to do. My spoon kept dipping into the mushy oats. Then I’d pick it up and watch them drop back into the bowl as I tilted the spoon. My appetite was nonexistent.
Why I’d tried to push things, I would never know. Well, maybe I’d wanted her to pick me, but I certainly hadn’t wanted to make her cry. Didn’t want those punches from Soren either. My eye still hurt. But maybe I deserved it.
Soren slammed his bowl down beside me, but I didn’t jump at the sound. Too far gone inside my head, I didn’t even pay him any attention until he spoke.
“You dumb fucker,” he growled.
I nodded.
“As soon as she gets up, I’m going to go try to fix this shit.”
My head bobbed again. At least one of us might be able to do something.
“You’re coming with me.”
I jerked up and twisted, shaking my head. “She isn’t going to want to see me. I made her cry and then run away. I doubt she wants to even see me right now.”
“I don’t give a shit,” he said, an edge to his voice I didn’t like.
“Don’t give a shit about what?” Shay’s light tones hit my ears, forcing me to turn again.
When I saw her sitting down in front of me with a smile on her face, I dropped my head again. She gasped and reached forward to jerk my chin up.
I watched her face grow stormy as I berated myself the entire time. Why had I said anything at all? Things were fine before, weren’t they?
“Soren,” her voice held a warning.
“Hey, he hit back, so I don’t want to hear it.”
Why was he acting like this was any other day? Were we pretending that it never happened? My back straightened, and my face pulled out of her hands. I could do the pretending thing.
“Eat up. We’re going shopping after breakfast. And you might want to hurry before Mike gets out here,” she said before shoveling some of the gruel in her mouth.
Instead of doing as she said, I watched her lips. Until she noticed, anyway. Then she stuck her spoon in my bowl and forced the gross tasting mess into my mouth. She gestured for me to continue, so I did what she said, not tasting anything.
We finished quickly, and just before we got outside, Mike’s yell echoed through the entire complex. “What?”
Shay laughed and ran out. She led us down into the little town closest to the bunker, a place we’d picked clean early on.
As we hunkered behind the line of cars, trying to observe if anything had changed, Soren whispered, “What are we doing here?”
“We need some things. Some stuff we left behind the last time. Plus we need to talk,” she answered back before jumping up and running towards the first building.
Soren and I looked at each other. I gulped, and he glowered. When he squinted his eyes and pointed at me, I jumped and ran, too. I was so dead.
Soren
We ended up in a little clothing shop. Shay ran ahead of us so she was already picking through things when I entered.
“What do you think?” she asked as she held up a tiny dress, one small enough for a baby.
“Um, it’s cute?” Where was this going? I do not want kids right now.
Chris looked a little green, and he stumbled and gripped the counter.
“It’s not for me.” Shay rolled her eyes and lifted another tiny outfit.
It took a second but my brain kicked on and connected the dots. Oh, shit. “Mike?”
She nodded, dug a little more, and sighed. When she glanced up, I tilted my head, trying to be patient. She sighed again and looked at Chris. When she sighed for the third time, I asked, “So, what’s wrong?”
She looked relieved for a second before her cheeks flushed and her eyes became glued on those clothes.
“Well, I don’t know that it’s something wrong. I’m just not sure both of you will think it’s a good idea. If you don’t then that would be bad. I think. But maybe I shouldn’t really suggest it. Maybe we should just–”
I stepped forward, ignoring the longing on Chris’s face as I pulled her towards me. “Just say it, Shay. Whatever it is, it’s not as bad as your brain seems to be working towards.”
“Right,” she said as she looked everywhere except me. My worry grew until she spit out, “I can’t decide.”
I froze, and she took advantage, yanking away from me so that she could turn away from us both. I didn’t like that I couldn’t see her face, but she seemed less tense that way so I held back. It was also the perfect time to shoot daggers at Chris.
“What if–” She broke off and started pacing, but still refused to look our way.
Time ticked by, and my gut felt like it was chewing on itself. When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I asked, “If what, Shay? Just ask us. Neither of us are going anywhere, and neither of us are going to embarrass you or get mad about whatever you’re planning on saying. I swear it.”
Even though I knew I didn’t need to because Chris might be a dumbass but he was a good guy, I emphasized my point by jabbing my finger at him. He held up his hands.
“What if,” she hesitated again before finally relieving me of the worry growing in me. “If we kept things like they were, but more? Like if I dated both of you?”
My heart stopped for a minute. What did that mean? My mind went blank, unable to come up with any answer for the thousands of questions running through my head.
Chris recovered first. “You mean, you keep dating both of us? Like until you decide?”
She glanced between us and shook her head. Her words came out as a whisper, “I mean like until forever.”
I turned to look at Chris and found him staring at me. Searching his eyes, I found a bit of hope in them. Could I handle knowing that she would be fucking him? Going to him when she needed his goofy ass?
“How does that work? One of us dates you on even days and the other guy gets the odd days?” I bit out as I turned back to her.
Her face fell, and tears entered her eyes. Fuck. God, why was I so stupid? Now, I felt like shit.
“No. I don’t know. I just…” She wrapped her arms around herself, protecting herself. Goddamnit. Her gaze clashed with mine, ensnaring me in her pain. “I can’t decide, Soren. Chris is my light.”
That hurt. Was I too young to be having a heart attack? I rubbed my chest and kept feeding the hurt by watching her face brighten when she looked at him. Then she turned to me, and her expression morphed into something darker, wilder, but no less captivating.
“You are my dark. How am I supposed to just pick between you two when I need you both?”
My heart leapt and squeezed at the same time. Forcing her to pick between us would destroy her. I pulled my gaze away and found Chris. We’d been friends long enough that I could read him. He wanted to try. My head began to bob, and his followed.
When I turned back to her, the relief on her face nearly had me rushing across the room to snatch her up, but I couldn’t. Not yet. Not until I understood.
“So, how does it work? I’m serious. I need some guidelines here.”
“I really don’t know. I hadn’t thought that far ahead because I wasn’t sure you’d even hear me out, let alone agree. The whole odd and even thing, I don’t want to do that. Can we play it by ear for now until we figure out where the problems are?” The hope in her voice had me nodding.
“But I think we all need to agree right here, right now, t
hat when someone has a problem, we call a meeting or something. Not just sit back and let it simmer inside,” Chris spoke for the first time since we’d left the bunker.
“That works, I guess, but I won’t be hiding shit. I’m not going to be in a relationship and still sneaking around like I’m doing something wrong,” I said, my voice firm.
I wouldn’t be the shameful secret, hidden away and used when it was convenient. I’d done that before, but I refused to do it with her.
“And I’ll try to make sure that I’m not ignoring one of you for the other. And I’ll listen anytime one of you has an issue with something. We’ll just have to work together,” she promised.
“I can’t swear I won’t get jealous,” I warned them both.
I had no idea how I’d react when I heard those little sounds coming out of her mouth, but I wasn’t the one causing them.
She nodded. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Chris? Any other concerns?”
He shook his head, his smile wide and goofy as hell. Apparently, he’d gotten over his bout of depression because he rushed forth and snatched her up. I watched as she wrapped her legs around his waist and their lips met.
I waited for the anger to rise up, but it didn’t. A seed of jealousy did begin to bloom, but then I noticed how relaxed she seemed, how just happy she appeared. Chris wasn’t even on my radar. All I could see was her.
And when he released her and her eyes locked on mine, the relaxed posture disappeared as she slunk towards me. No longer languid, her muscles tensed just before she ran at me. She leapt, and I caught her.
Those bright brown eyes searched mine for a second before she gave me a wicked grin and dug her fingers into my hair. “Kiss me, Soren.”
Who was I to say no?
Shay
The transition to becoming a double couple? Was that the right word? Probably not, but whatever our relationship was, it came with drama sometimes. Probably more than just a couple, but it also came with a lot of happiness.
Tales of the Apocalypse: A Dystopian Anthology Page 11