by Helen Lacey
When he dragged himself out of bed the next morning it was after eight and he figured he must have dropped off around four, grateful that he’d managed to get a little sleep and wouldn’t spend the day walking around like a zombie.
Deidre was in the kitchen. So was Holly. The two women were chatting as though they had known one another for years. Holly looked so good in pale jeans and a tucked in blue shirt, her hair loose and boots on her feet, that he could barely catch his breath.
They both looked up when he entered the room. Deidre with a smile, Holly with little more than a disinterested glance.
“Coffee?” his housekeeper suggested. “You look like you need it.”
Marshall ran a hand over his jaw and realized he needed to shave. He drank the coffee, passed on food and headed outside to clear his head. He walked around the garden for a while, which only amplified the guilt he felt through to his bones. Lynette would have blown a fuse had she witnessed the state of the yard she had loved so much.
“Is sulking helping you at all?”
He turned. Holly was behind him, tea cup in her hand. He took a breath and shrugged.
“I’ve decided to fix the garden.”
One of her brows shot up. “Good idea. And you didn’t answer my question.”
“I feel lousy enough, Holly. Don’t make things worse, okay?”
She walked around him. “You think I should go easy on you?” She made a mocking sound. “I don’t think so.”
“I was a thoughtless jerk last night,” he admitted.
“You’re always a thoughtless jerk.”
He sighed. “I guess I deserve that. So,” he said and waved an arm. “About this garden. Feel like helping out?”
“You want to set me to work?”
His mouth twisted. “No, of course not. But you do have a strong opinion about most things, so I thought you might like to add your two-cents to this. Should I recreate it how it used to be…or make a few alterations?”
Her lips pressed together for a moment. “I guess that depends on how you feel about change.”
“I think we both know the answer to that one.”
She met his gaze and her expression softened slightly. “I think you should do what feels right.”
“Lynette wanted a Zen garden,” he said quietly and pointed to a bare spot toward the end of the rows of neglected azalea bushes. “Over there. What do you think?”
“Nice idea.”
“It might be helpful if you looked on the internet for a few ideas,” he suggested and shrugged. “If you have the time at some point. And only if you want to help.”
“I’ll help,” she replied.
The mood between them was strained, but friendly enough, and Marshall was pleased they didn’t have a rehash of his behavior the night before. It was after ten when the familiar sight of Nate Garrigan’s truck came barreling down the driveway. Holly was back inside helping Deidre prepare brunch and Marshall greeted his friends with a lot more cheer than he felt.
Joley carried their son Connor into the house and Marshall lingered with Nate by the truck while his friend grabbed the baby bag and a tote stuffed with toys.
“You look like crap,” Nate said and passed him the bag.
“Thanks.”
“Girl trouble?”
“Of course,” he replied. “What other kind of trouble is there? She makes me crazy.”
Nate laughed. “That’s the best kind of trouble.”
“I’m not so sure,” he commented. “All we do is argue.”
“Hah,” Nate said, grinning. “I remember those days. So, what are you arguing about?”
“Anything,” he replied wearily. “Everything. Me being a jerk. Her hating me. How long she’s staying in Mulhany Crossing. You name it, we argue about it.”
“She’s a spirited girl,” Nate said and smiled.
“Girl being the appropriate word,” he said and sighed. “She’s way too young for me and—”
“Now that,” Nate said and waved a hand, “sounds like you looking for excuses to keep from doing the right thing.”
Marshall went rigid. “The right thing?”
Nate nodded. “Yeah. Just give in and marry her.”
Marshall’s temper flared. “I’m not marrying Holly.”
“Haven’t you got a baby coming?” his friend reminded him.
He nodded. “That’s not enough reason to get married.”
“Sure it is,” Nate quipped. “Take it from me. The idea of not being around Connor every minute of the day is unthinkable. Once that baby comes, you’ll stop thinking about yourself and realize that you don’t want to miss one single moment of your child’s life.”
Something kernelled deep in Marshall’s chest. Something he didn’t want to acknowledge. Truth. Because he knew, logically, that the only way he could ensure he was able to be one hundred percent in his child’s life, was to be in a committed relationship with Holly. But how could he marry her? Not when he still felt married to someone else.
“I can’t…Lynette…”
Nate slapped him warmly on the shoulder. “We all loved Lyn. She was the best. But she’s gone. And she, more than anyone, would tell you that you should do what’s right for the child that’s coming. A child, I might add, that you made with Holly.”
He sucked in some air. “Even if I wanted to, Holly would never agree. She hates me.”
“The only person who can change how Holly feels about you,” Nate said as they reached the front door, “is you. Who knows, you might even fall in love with her along the way.”
Since he’d fallen for Joley, Nate had become a soppy sentimentalist. But Marshall lived in the real world. He and Holly weren’t about to have some kind of revelation about their relationship. He didn’t love her. She didn’t love him.
I still love Lynette…
Wanting Holly, sometimes feeling as though he needed Holly like he needed air to breath, only amplified the intensity of what he still felt for his wife. And he wasn’t about to settle.
Holly deserved better.
She deserved someone who loved her wholly and completely. Nate was wrong. Marrying because of the baby would be disaster. All he had to do was get his libido in check.
Touching her was out. Kissing her was out. All it did was confuse them both.
And as he walked inside he had an ache in his chest he couldn’t shift.
Because the idea of not touching Holly, of not kissing her…suddenly didn’t bear thinking about. Since it made him feel so wretchedly alone.
Chapter Nine
“Oh, he’s so adorable,” Holly gushed as she stared at the sleeping infant resting in Joley Garrigan’s arms.
They were in the living room, sitting on opposite sofas, drinking tea that Deidre had made before the housekeeper disappeared and left them to their conversation.
“He is when he’s asleep,” Joley said and smiled. “He has a good set of lungs on him though.” The other woman, a tall and attractive blond, regarded her curiously. “So, I’m guessing that Marshall has no idea that you’re in love with him?”
Holly gasped and stared at her. “Um…well…”
Joley shrugged. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”
The truth tumbled from her lips. “Stupid man has no clue.”
Joley laughed. “Give him some time to get used to the idea.”
“If I even hinted at the notion he’d run a mile.”
The other woman didn’t disagree. “It’s hard for him, I guess,” she said and motioned to the portrait above the fireplace. “Lynette was a huge part of his life for a long time.”
“I know,” she said stiffly. “She was perfect.”
Joley gave a knowing smile. “Well, I wouldn’t say that. I became good friends with her before she passed away. In fact, we were here the day before she died. We all knew, of course, that any day could be her last, but I don’t think anyone really expected her to go when she did. I don’t think Marshall h
as recovered from what happened that day. I mean, one moment she was talking to him, the next she was gone.” Joley sighed heavily. “Such a terrible shock.”
Holly’s insides crunched. As much as she was angry and confused and had resigned herself to hating him forever, she couldn’t help but feel a tug of compassion and sympathy for all he’d endured. Still, that didn’t give him the right to mess with her feelings. And her body. She still couldn’t believe what had transpired between them the night before, on the very sofa she now sat on. He has all the sensitivity of a rock. And she was stupidly weak for giving in every time he touched her. But no more. She needed to show some gumption and stop swooning every time he kissed her. She had to. Or soon he’d figure out that she was in love with him. And that could never happen. Because then he’d feel sorry for her.
“He hasn’t talked about that day,” she said quietly.
“Have you asked him?” Joley suggested.
Holly shook her head. “He’d think I was intruding on his feelings.”
Joley shrugged. “You’re having his baby,” she said gently. “That gives you a free pass when it comes to his feelings. And you love him…I’d say you have every right to know what’s going on in here,” she said and touched her temple.
Except it wasn’t his head she wanted. It was his heart.
“It’s complicated,” she said and sighed. “And really, we’re trying to work out how to get along for the sake of the baby.”
Joley nodded. “I think he’ll make a wonderful father. He’s a good man. I hope our children grow up to be firm friends.”
Holly wondered what Marshall had told the Garrigan’s about her long-term plans. Not much, she suspected, since she didn’t have a clue what she was going to do once the baby came. And the more time she spent around Marshall, the more confused she became.
She heard the two men come through the front door and seconds later they were in the living room. Nate immediately walked toward his wife and son and sat down beside them. He said hello and smiled, and Holly figured she must have been the prime topic of conversation between them while they had been outside. Marshall moved around the room and sat beside her, not too close, except for the arm that suddenly came to rest across the back of the sofa. Which meant his hand was mere inches from her neck. She glanced his way, saw the pulse throbbing in his cheek, and knew he was as wound up as a spring.
“So, kids,” Nate said and grinned, “what’s been happening?”
It was such a ridiculous comment that everyone laughed. But it was an effective ice-breaker and much better than any kind of uncomfortable silence. But it was Nate who spoke next.
“I have some news,” he said, directing the words to his friend. “Rumor has it that Jesse Redmond is coming back to town.”
Marshall let out a long whistle. “Really. Trouble ahead.”
Holly asked the obvious question. “Who’s Jesse Redmond?”
“The woman who dumped Sam the day before their wedding five years ago,” Nate said and grimaced. “A bad time all round.”
“Does he know?” Marshall asked.
“Nope.”
“Well, I’m not telling him,” Marshall said and groaned. “The last time someone had a heart-to-heart with him about Jesse, he punched them in the face.”
Both women gasped and then Marshall and Nate said one word at the same time.
“Levi.”
Holly’s eyes widened. “He punched Levi in the face?”
“Yep,” Marshall said and smirked. “He had a black eye for a week.”
“Why did Sam do that?”
“Because Levi was the lucky one who got to tell him that Jesse had bailed. That’s what best friends do for one another.”
“Yeah,” Nate said and grinned. “I’d give you a black eye in an instant.”
Everyone laughed again and Holly experienced an incredible sense of inclusion. They were good people. The kind of people who would make good friends.
“I think Levi should tell him,” Holly suggested and smiled. “He’s the one with all the practice. Although I’m kind of surprised to hear it. I’ve worked with Sam for over six months and he seems way too civilized to punch someone.”
“I guess love can make a man do crazy things,” Nate said and laughed.
Holly foolishly wished that Marshall would do something crazy for her. And she envied Joley and Nate’s relationship. They were clearly in love and adored their son.
Soon, she thought and rested her hand on her belly, she and Marshall would share a child. He noticed her movement and grabbed her other hand, an action that immediately caught the attention of the couple on the opposite sofa. But he didn’t let go and she didn’t pull away. He was also surprisingly attentive for the following couple of hours and even though she suspected it was more for the benefit of his friends, she didn’t mind the attention. Of course, she refused to allow herself to imagine it meant anything. That would have been plain old stupid.
The Garrigan’s left after midday and after waving them off, Holly walked back to the house with Marshall at her side.
“They’re nice.”
“Told you so,” he said and draped a companionable arm over her shoulder. “Do you want me to take you home now?”
Suddenly Holly didn’t want their weekend together to end. She sat on the loveseat on the porch and patted the empty spot beside her. He sat down and stretched out his legs, crossing his feet and folding his arms across his chest.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” he replied.
“Would you tell me about the day your wife died?”
He inhaled sharply, as though it was the last question he expected. Silence stretched like brittle elastic, but finally, he spoke. “What would you like to know?”
“Anything. Everything.”
He took his time before he responded. “It was a normal Saturday. Lynette had spent most of the morning out here, in the garden. I’d been away for most of the week working on orders and was glad to be home. It was a hot day and she looked more tired than usual and I asked her to leave the gardening and come inside.” He sighed. “But she was stubborn. I came back outside to try and talk some sense into her and noticed she was sitting down.” He pointed to a spot in the garden and to a small stone seat. “Right there. She had her head in her hands, like she had a headache. Headache’s weren’t unusual, but this was different. I knew something was wrong, so I carried her inside and sat her down on a chair that was in the hallway. She grabbed my hand and looked up at me and smiled. For a moment I was sure she was going to say something…” His words trailed off, as he was clearly lost in the memory for a moment. “And then…then it just happened. She closed her eyes and she was gone.”
Holly reached out and lay her hand on his thigh. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s weird,” he said quietly. “But I can’t remember that moment without thinking about how peaceful she was. There wasn’t any outward pain, any complaints…nothing. Just one sharp breath and she passed away, while still holding my hand. It was dignified and exactly how she would have wanted it to be. And all I kept thinking was, maybe if she hadn’t been out in the heat, in the garden, if she’d been resting, maybe that wouldn’t have been the day. Maybe she would have had another day, or several, or a few weeks or months, or even years.” He shrugged and covered her hand with his. “But I’ll never know. Sometimes, I wonder what she was thinking in those last few moments. We’d talked about it of course, but I hope she was thinking about something that made her happy. Like that damned garden.”
“That’s why you didn’t keep it maintained,” she suggested quietly.
“I needed something to blame.”
Holly’s fingers dug into his thigh. “It sounds as though she passed away while doing something she loved. And with the person she loved. And really, could anyone ask for more than that when they take their last breath? Probably not.”
He turned slightly and gripped her hand firmer. “I�
�m sorry about last night, Holly. I don’t mean to confuse you or use you or treat you with disrespect. In many ways, I wish I had more to offer you.”
She nodded. “I know. And I understand. You loved her,” she said and gently pressed her free hand to his chest. “You love her still.”
He didn’t respond. Instead, they remained seated for another half an hour, talking a little, but mostly, just sitting and staring out over the garden. It was close to two o’clock before they left, after Holly had to vehemently promise Deidre that she would come back soon. It was an easy promise since Chester would be residing at the farm. The drive home was quiet. Marshall flicked on the radio and Holly was happy listening to a few country rock tunes. By the time he pulled up at her house she was more than ready to be alone. She patted Reggie and then got out of the truck.
“Well, I’ll see you soon,” she offered lightly once he pressed her small bag in her hand.
She didn’t invite him in. She didn’t want the afternoon to linger any longer. She wanted to curl up on her sofa and reflect on the feelings churning through her system.
“Take care, Holly,” he said and leaned forward almost as though he was about to kiss her. But then he pulled back. “If you can let Drysdale’s know that your horse will be moving, I’ll arrange for Allen to collect him during the week.”
She nodded. “Thank you. Goodbye.”
“I’ll pick you up Saturday,” he said. “You know, for the school dance thing. We’ll both be chaperoning so may as well go together.”
Holly waved a vague hand. She’d forgotten about that particular commitment and turning up to the event on Marshall’s arm wasn’t in her plans, but she wasn’t going to make an issue out of it. “Okay, sure, thanks.”
She headed through the gate and didn’t look back.
*****