by Helen Lacey
She nodded, remaining where she was as he left. But be damned if every step he took away from her didn’t feel like he was being punched in the gut.
By the time he got home it was eleven o’clock and he spotted the familiar sight of Levi’s Harley and Sam’s truck parked out the front of his house. His friends were on the back porch and glared at him the moment he came around the side of the house. Levi didn’t bother to hide his irritation, particularly when it was obvious where he had been, since he was wearing the same clothes Sam had seen him in the night before.
“Seriously?” Sam said and shook his head. “All it takes is a phone call to say you can’t make it.”
Levi wasn’t so polite and called him an inconsiderate asshole.
Marshall ditched his jacket and greeted Reggie, who came bounding through the back doggie door to meet him. “Sorry. I forgot.”
He ignored his friend’s cussing and headed inside to change his clothes and feed the dog. Five minutes later he was back outside, carrying sodas and prepared to make amends.
“I apologize, okay?” he said and passed them a soda. “I was—”
“At that hot little red head’s, gettin’ laid,” Levi said coarsely, cutting him off. “Yeah, we kind of figured that from the hickey on your neck.”
Marshall’s hand automatically came to his throat and his other hand balled into a fist. “Don’t talk about her like that. Ever.”
Levi’s brows shot up and he raised a hand. “Whoa, no offense meant.”
Sam instantly stepped forward. “How about we get stuck into this tree stump?” he suggested calmly.
Marshall pushed back his rising temper, thinking that the last thing he wanted to do was swing an axe or hold a chainsaw or hang out with his friends.
All he wanted to do was return to Holly’s and loose himself in her sweet body and luscious mouth. He just wanted Holly. Everything she was. Every part of her. Maybe wanting her was enough. Maybe it would get them through. Maybe the great sex and the laughter and the liking the same stupid movies and the baby would be enough to bind them together.
His friends were about to walk toward the back fence when he spoke.
“Okay,” he said and waved his arms restlessly. “I give up.”
Levi halted and frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?”
He shrugged. “You were right. Both of you. And Nate.”
Sam, always the reasonable one, spoke next. “About what?”
Marshall sucked in a deep breath. “Holly,” he said her name and it almost pained him. “I’m gonna marry Holly.”
Chapter Eleven
We need to talk…
Of course, Holly knew what he meant. He was going to tell her they’d made a monumental mistake by sleeping together again.
Only…he hadn’t made love to her like he thought it was a mistake.
He’d made love to her like a man who couldn’t get enough. A man who was as wrapped up in her as she was in him. Not exactly a man in love…but close enough that Holly had, for most of the time they’d been together during the night, believed that they could actually make something of their cobbled together relationship. He’d even joked about him being her boyfriend. Maybe they could make something from that.
People had stayed together for less, after all.
Except my mother…
A familiar and cutting pain pierced behind Holly’s ribs. And she wondered, as she had done so many times since she’d discovered she was pregnant, if Ann Berrigan had experienced one ounce of the love for her that Holly did for the child in her womb. Maybe the lack of feeling and connection had started afterwards, when she was born, as she grew from a baby into a child? But as hard as she tried, she couldn’t fathom it. And it terrified her. The thought of not loving or wanting her baby was unimaginable. Maybe she was kidding herself? Perhaps she was more like her mother than she wanted to believe.
And suddenly she was compelled to know. So, she called her father.
“I was just thinking about you,” Colin Berrigan said steadily. “We’re expanding the business,” he announced. “Building another premises on the other side of the city.”
“Congratulations,” she said quietly. “I’m sure you and Alistair and Ben will make it a great success.”
“What about you?” he asked, as she knew he would. “A family business isn’t one until the whole family are a part of it. There’s a desk and an office here with your name on it. Just say the word.”
Holly took a deep breath. “Dad…”
“Yes?”
“Why did my mother really leave?”
Silence screeched down the phone connection. Her father was a cold kind of man, not known for outbursts of emotion. Not unkind, simply, out of reach emotionally. She knew he loved her…but he was never very good at showing it.
Finally, he spoke. “Why are you bringing this all up now?”
“I’d like to know.”
“And you know I don’t like talking about it,” he reminded, making her feel guilty for asking. “It’s all in the past and I—”
“Why couldn’t she love me?”
Holly couldn’t believe how timid and hopeless she sounded as she asked the question that had been hovering on her lips for most of her life.
Her father sucked in a sharp breath and when he didn’t respond, she thought he’d ended the call. But after a moment, he spoke. “Your mother…she wasn’t the kind of woman who loved anyone.”
“But I was her child,” Holly said hollowly. “Surely that was enough reason for her to at least try.”
He made an impatient sound. “Where’s all this coming from, Holly? What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing, Dad,” she replied quickly. “I was only wondering.”
“Well, stop wasting time wondering about the past and start concentrating on your future,” he said stiffly. “We need you here. This is where you belong. Doing the job you were born to do. Stop wasting time in that one-horse town and come home.”
Holly’s throat closed over and she fought back the sting behind her eyes. She desperately wanted a good relationship with her father, one where they were honest about their feelings, one where she felt safe enough to ask the hard questions. But Colin Berrigan wasn’t that kind of man. And she wasn’t the daughter that he had hoped for. In her heart, Holly knew he resented her for being the reason that her mother had left.
“Bye, Dad. I’ll talk to you soon.”
She hung up and when he immediately called back, she let the call go to message. She didn’t want to get into an argument with her father and had some of the answer she asked for. Ann Berrigan couldn’t love her child.
Holly placed a hand on her belly and a wave of love so strong, so deep, so all-consuming washed over her that she let out a long and exhausted sigh. She would love her baby unconditionally. And she would never abandon her child. Not ever.
And then, she cried. For over an hour. Tears that gave her some release from the tension and misery she felt. Tears that she needed to shed.
Once she pulled herself together, she spent the remainder of the afternoon in the kitchen, finishing the triple tier chocolate ganache cake and fiddled around creating icing sugar flowers for a wedding cake she’d agreed to make for one of the clients at the vet hospital, whose daughter was getting married in a month, and Holly was happy to oblige, since baking and icing celebratory cakes was what she loved doing most. Plus, she was being paid for the privilege, which was a nice bonus.
She showered and changed around five o’clock and was contemplating what she was going to have for dinner when she heard a knock on the door. She recognized Marshall’s tall and familiar frame through the narrow glass panel at the side of the door.
We need to talk…
His parting words earlier that day rolled around in her head. Of course, they should talk. Things had changed between them and she needed to know where they stood. If he wanted to get back to where they had been—two people who were trying to forge a friends
hip for the sake of their child they had made together—well, that was fine. She wasn’t going to get worked up about a little bit of sex. Sure, it had been great sex. But Holly had no intention of over-romanticizing what it was. That would be plain old stupid.
She pulled back the door and screen and her breath left her lungs. He looked so good. So handsome in dark jeans, gray Henley shirt and cowboy boots. He had a pizza box suspended in one hand and a six pack of ginger beer in the other.
“Evening,” he said and dazzled her with a smile.
Holly’s heart rolled over. God, he could be so wonderful. If only it was real….
“Hi,” she croaked and ushered him inside.
“I brought dinner,” he said and pulled a DVD out from the crook of his arm. “And a movie. You know, the one where he really does get the girl.”
He followed her to the kitchen and within minutes they were at the table, the pizza box was open, and they were sipping ginger beer. It seemed so absurdly normal. Like a date. Like he was her boyfriend and they were going to spend a romantic evening together.
She looked up and saw that he was watching her intently. And frowning. God, did she look so awful? Her eyes were probably red, since she’d spent a good part of the afternoon crying and hadn’t bothered to try and conceal the fact with makeup. Which meant her cheeks were probably blotchy too. No sweet wonder he was looking at her as though she had a wart on her nose.
“Holly…what’s wrong?”
She shrugged lightly. “Nothing.”
“You look unhappy,” he remarked. “Would you rather I left?”
“No,” she said quickly.
Too quickly, because his frown deepened and he reached across the table to grasp her hand. “What is it? Has something happened? Is it the baby? Are you feeling—”
“The baby’s fine,” she assured him, sensing that he was genuinely concerned. “I just…I spoke to my dad today, that’s all. About my mother,” she explained. “And it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.”
His grip tightened. “What did he say?”
“Nothing,” she replied. “At least, nothing new. I just wanted to know about her…about why she left. About why she couldn’t love me enough to stay. He told me to leave it in the past and get on with own life. Which means, return to the city and work in the family business.”
His expression narrowed. “Did you tell him about the baby? About us?”
Us…
Holly was dying inside. “No. I didn’t want to make things worse. If he knew I was pregnant he would definitely want me home. And frankly, I’m not ready to face all that drama.”
“He’ll have to know at some point, Holly. He’s your dad…he has a right to know he’s going to become a grandfather.”
“I know,” she said and sighed. “I’m not being a coward about this, but I know my dad and I need time to get him used to the idea that I’m staying here for a while and—”
“For a while?” he queried and turned her hand over, gently stroking her palm. “Holly, I think we both know, you need to stay in Mulhany Crossing for longer than that. You need to stay, permanently.”
She swallowed hard. “How can I promise that when I—”
“Because it’s the only way we can raise our child together,” he said, gently squeezing her fingers. “Together,” he said again, with emphasis. “You and me. As parents. As husband and wife.”
Holly stared at him, poleaxed. “What?”
“Marry me.”
She pulled her hand from his and got to her feet in a microsecond. And she stared at him, looking for something, anything, some signal that would suggest that his words were some kind of practical joke. A flippant remark meant to get a reaction. But she only saw earnestness in his expression.
“Are you out of your mind?”
He half-shrugged. “I’m perfectly sane.”
“Why…” Her voice trailed off. “Why would you suggest such a thing?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do,” he replied. “For all of us.”
Holly glanced at the wedding band still on his left hand. And she hurt inside so much she could barely breathe. He had no clue. No sense. Of course she’d imagined him proposing a hundred times. And it had never been like this. Over pizza. Over a conversation about her father. Over his need to get her to stay in Mulhany Crossing so that he could be a full time father to their child.
“But you don’t love me.”
He shrugged again. And this one hurt. Because he was too honest to deny the truth about his feelings for her. “Does that matter? It doesn’t mean I won’t be a good and faithful husband to you, Holly. Because I will.” He got to his feet and moved around the table. “Look, I know you believe that you have feelings for me Holly. I’m not so blind or so self-absorbed that I can’t feel that from you when we’re together. And maybe they’re real, or maybe they’re just about physical attraction...who knows what makes two people drawn to each other?”
Holly wanted a great big hole to form beneath her feet and for it to suck her in to its vortex. Humiliation coursed through her veins. He knew…he knew she was in love with him and he was using that as leverage to get what he wanted. His child. Full time. And for her to remain in Mulhany Crossing on a permanent basis. But he didn’t love her in return. And he would never lie about it.
“And you can’t deny that the sex is incredible,” he said, quietly, intently, with such resolve she couldn’t move. “It’s enough, Holly. Plenty of people start out with less.”
Great sex. And a baby.
According to Marshall, that was enough to form the solid foundation for a marriage.
She wanted to throw up.
And laugh.
And cry.
And punch him in his perfectly straight teeth.
But she didn’t do any of those things.
She stepped back and put space between them, as much as she could before she was backed up against the counter. And said one word. “No.”
His mouth twitched. “That’s just emotion talking. Think about it rationally,” he suggested and moved closer. “We’ve been dancing around this for over eight months now. We’re attracted to one another, we have mind-blowing sex, we have a baby coming…it’s an easy decision, Holly. And I care about you.”
Crumbs. Lovely. Just what she needed during her first marriage proposal.
“I’d like you to leave.”
He sighed, clearly exasperated. “Can you at least think about it?”
“You have my answer.”
“That’s not an answer, Holly,” he said, clearly frustrated as he ran a hand through his hair. “That’s your way of punishing me for not…for not…”
For not loving me…
The words were unsaid, but still between them. And she wasn’t about to marry a man who was still grieving and still loving the wife he had lost. The baby would make out just fine without them being married. And if he mentioned how great the sex between them was one more time, she would punch him in the teeth!
She stormed out of the room and strode up the hallway, opening the front door. He wasn’t far behind. But he stalled in the doorway.
“Please say you’ll consider it, Holly.”
“No,” she replied and waved her arm in an arc. “Goodnight, Marshall.”
He let out a long breath and stared at her. “Would you rather I lied to you about how I feel?”
She couldn’t help the shrill laugh that escaped her throat. “Not at all. But the next time you think about proposing, Harris, it might be a good idea to take off your wedding ring!”
Then she shut the door in his stupid, egotistical, maddening face.
*****
“So, you said no?”
Julie actually looked surprised by her response when they met up for coffee the following day, after Holly had spent five minutes relaying the events of the weekend. “Of course I said no.”
Her friend stirred her espresso. “Um…you sure that’s what you want?”
Holly’s temperature rose. She’d had all night and all morning to think about Marshall’s sham marriage proposal, and she was no less angry now than she had been when he’d asked.
“He doesn’t love me,” she reminded her friend.
“But you love him,” Julie said gently. “I thought that might be enough.”
“One sided love and great sex?” She huffed out her disgust. “No thanks.”
Julie sighed gently. “Perhaps that’s all he has room for in his heart.”
“There’s plenty of room for his dead wife,” she said and as soon as the words were out she longed to snatch them back. Because they were mean and hateful and both of them knew it. “I know,” she said and waved a hand when she caught Julie’s expression. “That’s a terrible thing to say. I should be ashamed of myself for thinking it. And I am. I’m a horrible person.”
Julie patted her arm reassuringly. “No, you’re not. You’re hurting and emotional and probably filled with baby hormones and he should definitely be more sensitive about saying certain things. Maybe he’s as confused and emotional as you are, just not as able to express his feelings.”
“He was very clear,” Holly said and huffed. “He’s doesn’t love me. He cares about me, probably like he cares about his Labrador,” she said wryly. “And he wants to be a full-time father and the sex is off the charts amazing. That’s all I got. That’s all I will ever have. And it’s not enough. Not for marriage. Not for a life-long commitment.”
“I understand what you’re saying, but perhaps he needs time to adjust to—”
“That’s not the kind of marriage I want,” Holly said defiantly. “I want to be with someone who makes me laugh and makes me feel safe and always puts me first. And I want to be able to do the same for him. Someone who reaches the depths of my soul simply by looking into my eyes. I want someone who is in love with me. And that will never be Marshall…because he hasn’t let go of his past, and frankly, I don’t think he ever will.”
“So, instead you’ll take nothing?”
She nodded. “It’s better than the scraps.”
Julie made a resigned face. “Sounds like you’re punishing yourself, Holly.”