by Helen Lacey
“I don’t care about the ring,” she shot back. “This is not about the ring. It’s about you trying to fit into some mold and be something you don’t want to be—which is my husband. No one thinks this is a good idea Marshall…not my dad or my brothers, or your precious mother-in-law who looks at me as though I am some kind of harlot who somehow ensnared you with my charms. I don’t think it’s a good idea, either, and if you’re honest with yourself, neither do you.”
His expression was thunderous. “Then what do you suggest? Shared custody? Or are you planning on high-tailing back to the city and running back to daddy?”
“Honestly,” she said, her shoulders sagging, “I don’t know. All I know, is that marrying because we have great sex and have a baby coming, is a recipe for disaster.”
“Are they your father’s words?” he asked quietly. “Or yours?”
Holly placed her fingers on the door handle. “Does it matter? The outcome will be the same. My mother didn’t love my father and they got married because she was pregnant with me. When I was six years old I came home from school one day and she was gone…no explanation. No note. Just gone. And all I can remember about her is how unhappy she was all the time. I wasn’t enough to make her stay in a loveless marriage.”
“That won’t happen to us.”
“You can’t know that. My dad didn’t marry my mother thinking that one day she would bail because she didn’t love us. People change, Marshall, even the people with the best intentions. I don’t want to get married only to become another divorce statistic. I won’t.”
She got out of the truck and headed for the tavern, with Marshall close behind her. He’d booked a table and everyone was already seated, and had clearly made the introductions. They all cheered when they approached, even her brothers, only her father looked skeptical. Holly pushed down her embarrassment and confusion about how much having Marshall hovering behind her, wreaked havoc with her good sense. If she’d been able to control her libido ten weeks ago, none of it would be happening.
There were appetizers and drinks on the table and everyone was mostly smiling and getting along and yet, as she sat down, Holly experienced an odd sense of disconnect. There were two camps—her people and his. And despite the civility and the conversation, she knew that it was forced. As forced as Marshall’s marriage proposal. As forced as him wanting to marry her for anything other than his clear sense of duty to the child she carried. But there would always be hurdles between them. Her father’s displeasure and expectation that she go home. Dawn and Tom Willows obvious disapproval toward her. Marshall’s inability to give his heart to anyone other than Lynette. And Holly’s unwillingness to accept anything less than his complete and utter love. Which she would never get.
Knowing when she was beat, Holly got to her feet. Eight sets of eyes zoomed in immediately. She thrust back her shoulders and spoke.
“The wedding’s off.”
Chapter Fourteen
Marshall had never considered himself to be a reactive kind of person. In fact, he’d often been told by his parents, his friends, his sister and Lynette that he had an annoyingly long fuse.
But Holly…she gave him the shortest fuse of all time!
Eighteen hours after her casual announcement that the wedding was off, and he was still seething. Still imagining that Sam, who had politely offered to drive her home, had stayed the night in her house and her bed. Of course, he knew that was irrational and not true—his friend would never act that low. If it were Levi, he wouldn’t have been so sure. But Sam Beckett was one of the most honorable men he knew. But still, the very idea that she refused his offer to take her home and had caused so much unnecessary chaos by cancelling the wedding—just because he didn’t say that he damned well loved her—irritated the shit out of him!
He was so wound up he didn’t go into the work the following day. Instead, he skulked around his house, cursing and fighting the rage that simmered in his gut. Everyone had called him. Everyone except Holly. And he hadn’t picked up once. He didn’t want to hear Nate’s advice, or Sam’s condolence, or Levi’s anything.
He wanted to suffer in silence. And figure out how to fix things.
It was after midday when there was a sharp rap on the door and he discovered Colin Berrigan standing on his doorstep.
“I thought we should talk,” the older man said.
“How did you find out where I lived?” Marshall demanded once they were both in the living room and Reggie had stopped bouncing around in greeting.
Berrigan shrugged. “You’re somewhat famous in this town,” he said and then made a scoffing sound. “I asked your friend Sam when I dropped by to see Holly.”
Marshall shrugged one shoulder. “What do you want?”
“What do you think? I want to know your intentions.”
“Well, I thought my intentions were pretty clear,” he said stiffly. “Up until about seven thirty last night.”
“My daughter can be a handful.”
“She’s very much her own woman,” he found himself saying, refusing to allow Holly to be maligned. “It’s one of the many reasons I like her.”
“But you don’t love her, right?”
The older man shot the words back like rapid fire, and Marshall tried to work out why the hell anything he felt for Holly was up for discussion by the entire population. He’d never had to explain himself, never had to justify his beliefs, his thoughts, his ethics. He’d had an easy road in life, he realized. Good parents, a happy home, a loving younger sister, good friendships, a successful career doing what he loved with the full support of everyone he cared about. And Lynette. Who made loving easy. There were no extremes. No questions. No expectations. And because of that easy road, Marshall lived his life narrowly, doing what he was good at, what he enjoyed, without pressure, without censure, and with the arrogant belief that he was entitled to do exactly what pleased him without consequence.
Until Holly.
His behavior toward her, for one, had consequences.
Like their baby.
But wanting her, sometimes needing her like he needed air in his lungs, clouded his clarity, his thinking, his judgement. Until all he had left was the ache to have her, to possess her and in return, to be possessed by the loveliness and passion that was Holly. She reached a part of him Marshall hadn’t known existed. Sure, the part about desire and sexual attraction he could compartmentalize. But the other thing…the one where he experienced an acute sense of comfort in her presence, where being close to her was like tonic, like a balm for the pain in his heart. Because when he was with Holly, the pain he’d imagined would be with him for the rest of his life, the aching loss he endured since Lynette’s death, had eased.
But along with that feeling, there was still the conflict, still the guilt he couldn’t shake. Still the unbending belief that he was dishonoring what he had with his wife by wanting Holly with the intensity he did.
He was messed up about the idea of marriage. And so, he knew, was Holly.
She was terrified of ending up in a relationship like her parents had. In a way, he understood her reluctance. Of course, he had his own demons, but Holly’s were clear as crystal. While Marshall had been exposed to a happy marriage growing up, and had lucked into an equally happy relationship with Lynette, all Holly had witnessed was abandonment by her mother and then years of her father’s bitterness and indifference.
“I appreciate that you’re concerned about your daughter,” Marshall said evenly. “But be assured, I will always look after her. And you need to look after her, too.”
Colin Berrigan’s mouth thinned. “I’ve always looked after my daughter.”
Marshall shrugged one shoulder. “There’s more to parenting than a fancy home and meals on the table. And look, I’m not criticizing you—I’m sure there’ll be times when I’ll screw up with my kid along the way—but Holly believes she’s the reason why her mother ran out.”
“My ex-wife left us both,” he said st
iffly.
“Maybe she did,” Marshall said and sighed. “But it was your job to protect Holly, so you should have shouldered the blame for all of it, and not allow your daughter to think she was responsible. But I get it…keep her hurting and keep her close…make her feel as though she deserved to be abandoned and you stay in control of her life and she won’t leave you…does that about sum it up?”
The older man looked instantly outraged. “I would never hurt Holly.”
“Not intentionally,” Marshall amended, his chest tight, his breathing sharp. “But she is hurting. And yeah, some of that’s on me, but some of it’s on you, too. You need to sort it. You need to tell her none of it was her fault. Look, you don’t have to like me, you don’t have to approve of me, you don’t have to speak to me if you don’t want to…but we both care about Holly and are both invested in her. She’s your daughter, and she’s carrying my child…that’s more than enough reason for us to be civil with one another. Just understand that I won’t stand idly by and watch her suffer.”
He stopped speaking and stared at the other man, thinking how different he planned on being with his own daughter, if he was blessed enough to ever have one. Colin Berrigan’s face was red, his breathing hard, his chest puffed out. He clearly wasn’t a man used to being told off about anything…particularly about his only daughter. But Marshall wasn’t fazed. Holly was spooked about getting married and he was certain her father had played a role in her decision.
“Talk to her,” Marshall suggested. “Or risk losing her.”
Colin stormed off and headed for the door, once he reached the end of the hallway he turned. “You know, I don’t think I’m the only one at risk of losing her. You say you care about my daughter? You say you’ll protect her? I hope you do.” He sighed heavily. “I loved my wife, and she didn’t love me in return. Are you sure that’s a legacy you want to repeat with my daughter?”
Once the older man left, Marshall slumped back against the wall and dragged air into his lungs.
When the hell did my life get so freaking complicated?
But he knew. When he first clapped eyes on Holly. When he experienced mind-blowing attraction for the first time in his life. The idea that he would be doing to Holly, what her mother did to her father, and to her, cut him to the core.
He needed to talk. To help figure out what to do with the chaos clanging around in his head. And he knew exactly who to go to.
It was after three when he knocked on Levi’s door. Technically it was Lana’s door, as Levi had been bunking at his sister’s place while he was in town. But Lana was still at work and from his bleary eyes and five o’clock shadow, Levi looked like he’d spent most of the day in bed.
“Late night?” Marshall asked and shouldered through the door and headed for the living room.
Lev shrugged. “After all the drama last night at Lola’s, I may have met someone at the bar once everyone bailed who helped take my mind off things. I think I got home around eight this morning. Not sure I got her name though.”
“You’re such a romantic,” Marshall scoffed and stalked around the room.
Levi ran a hand over his face. “Do you want something?”
Marshall turned to face his friend. “I need someone to talk to.”
“And you picked me?”
He grinned a little. “I wanted unbiased, unfiltered truth. Nate’s so wrapped up in marital bliss at the moment that he’s out of touch with the real world, and Sam’s been acting like a zombie since he heard that Jesse is coming back to town. That just leaves you.”
Levi raised a curious brow and perched on the edge of the sofa. “Okay…shoot.”
He took a long breath and cracked his knuckles. “Do you think I’m crazy for deciding to marry Holly?”
“No.”
He had, Marshall realized, expected his friend to say yes. “So, you think I should marry her?”
“I think,” Levi said and chewed his lower lip for a second. “That you should ask yourself why you’re here asking me that question.”
“Because I—”
“Because you want and out clause? Because you’re scared shitless of marrying Holly and want someone to give you a reason why you shouldn’t? Well, that’s not gonna be me.” Levi looked at him, bleary-eyed. “What are you so worked up about over this? You’re usually calm and in control and level-headed about things. What is it about Holly that—”
“Because she makes me crazy!” he said and paced uncomfortably, arms crossed, heart suddenly racing. “She gets me worked up just thinking about her. And when I’m with her I can’t think about anything else. Or anyone else.”
Levi rocked back a little in his seat and nodded. “I see. So this isn’t about Holly…this is about you. And about Lynette?”
Marshall paced, scowling, frustrated and confused and suddenly he just wanted to leave. He should never have asked for Levi’s counsel. All his friend knew about women was what to do with them in bed. “I loved Lynette.”
His friend nodded again. “I know. But she’s gone.”
“What if she wasn’t?” Marshall shot back. “What is she were still alive and we were living our life and then wham…there’s Holly. I would have…I would have…”
“You would have what?” Levi prompted and let out a knowing and long sigh. “Had an affair with her?”
He nodded, then shook his head, then ran a hand through his hair and shuddered. “I don’t know. I just don’t know. And that’s what’s killing me. Not knowing. Not knowing whether I would have shown integrity and good judgement. Because…I’m not sure I would have.” He took a painful breath. “This feeling I have for Holly…it’s different…it knocks me at the kneecaps. It makes me feel weak…and less than who I am. And yet, in some ways, exactly who I am. When I’m with her, I don’t think. I just…feel. Chemistry, right? Sexual attraction. Great sex, the best of my life. Just little head calling the shots.” He exhaled, the ache in his chest increasing. “But the thing is, I don’t think it’s just that.”
“You mean,” Levi said quietly. “That you’re in love with her?”
His shoulders sagged, and after a moment he nodded fractionally. “Truthfully, I can’t be certain that I wouldn’t have felt that even if Lynette hadn’t died.” He stopped, pausing, taking a breath. “And what does that make me? Or my marriage? Because what Lynette and I had was real and strong and I always believed we would get through anything. We pulled through knowing any day could be her last, we pulled through knowing we wouldn’t have kids. And being together, just the two of us—that was enough. But now, I’m not sure…I don’t know if it would have been enough.”
Levi sighed heavily. “So, you’re working yourself up about something that didn’t happen? About an affair you didn’t have? About a woman you didn’t know when you were married to Lynette? Correct?”
It sounded foolish, put like that. It sounded like he was pulling at straws, looking for reasons and ways to avoid admitting what he’d known for weeks, for months, since the first time he’d clapped eyes on her.
I’m in love with Holly…
Achingly in love. A bone deep, soul deep, kind of feeling that made it hurt to breathe. A love unlike anything he’d known before. That’s what killed him…knowing he’d never felt about Lynette the way he did about Holly.
“She would have let me go,” he said quietly.
Levi frowned. “Who would have?”
“Lynette,” he said and sighed. “If she was still alive and I’d met Holly, in my heart I know I would have had the same reaction, I would still have fallen for Holly…and Lynette would have released me. I know she would have. It would have hurt her. But she was always more concerned about my happiness than her own. And the thought of hurting her…the very idea that I would have discarded everything we had…that just breaks me up inside.”
Levi let out a long breath and shook his head. “Man, you are so messed up. You didn’t cheat on Lynette, and frankly, I don’t believe for a minute
that you would have. You’re too honorable. Too straight-laced to cheat. Besides, that red-headed spit-fire doesn’t seem the kind of women to get involved with a married man.”
“You can’t know that,” Marshall said raggedly.
Levi nodded. “I can. I do. You’re forgetting, I saw you and Lynette together for years, you were happy. We all saw it and we all envied you both. But you were kids when you got together, so the fact you feel this way about Holly, doesn’t lessen what you had with Lynette.”
Marshall’s chest tightened, and he laid a hand on his heart. “It does, in here.”
“That’s just your guilt talking,” Levi said bluntly.
“Probably,” he said. “Lynette’s parents—”
“Are not your problem,” Levi said, equally as blunt again. “Look, I know you care about them and that they’re generally good people, but they don’t have a right to tell you how to live your life. No one does. But you have to get over this guilt you’re feeling, or you’re never gonna be able to tell Holly how you feel about her. Maybe you feel guilty because Lynette’s gone and you’re alive, and you’ve met someone and you’re having a baby together and you’re happy about it, right?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been happier about anything in my life,” he admitted. “The very idea that Holly is having my baby…I have no words…no way of expressing what that feels like. Just…like a kind of…joy,” he admitted.
“Then what the hell are you doing here?” Levi shot back.
“Looking for answers.”
“You have all the answers you need,” his friend said and grinned. “You’re a smart guy. And you know Lynette would be kicking your ass right now if she was here and telling you to go and get what you want. Somehow, you’ve managed to get two incredible women to love you. Don’t screw it up.”
And then, like a rolling wave, clarity washed over him.