by Debra Doxer
I’ll be damned if I’m going to ignore that fact so we can both keep our hearts intact. Our hearts have already been broken. Maybe I can help to heal hers, even if it means ripping mine to shreds when she leaves and I have to say good-bye.
Langley runs upstairs to get changed. The moment she disappears from view, my fake smile droops and my eyes fall closed. The familiar ache in my knee isn’t enough to distract me from my total mortification. I want to crawl into a dark hole somewhere and stay there forever.
I break out in a sweat every time I think of the way I completely lost it in front of Cole. The dance I did today was more of an exorcism than a routine, and he saw every bit of the raw emotion that poured out of me.
With a soft groan, I slide down to the floor and bury my face in my hands.
After I left Woodbridge Village this morning, I was filled with so much destructive energy, I knew I had to expel it and dancing was the only way. But my knee couldn’t handle it. When it buckled, so did I. I let my tears run down onto the dance floor because I thought I was alone. I had no idea the last person I wanted to see me that way was watching my every move.
Then I fell, and Cole was so kind and compassionate, holding me, letting me cry. There was no judgment in his eyes, no censure. Whatever Renee told him, he no longer holds it against me. Today he was the man I always imagined him to be, and that’s almost worse because it makes me care what he thinks.
How can I face Cole again? How can I pretend to be a whole person when I admitted the rumors probably have some truth to them?
Langley yells to me from the top of the stairs. “Can we have lasagna again for dinner?” For some reason she likes my lasagna, even though it’s as plain and simple as can be.
“Sure.”
I know I have to pull myself together for Langley. I have to stand up, put a smile back on my face, and make her dinner.
As I push up off the floor, I wonder how Renee does it. I know she hurts sometimes too. Her pain is worse than mine, but she still managed to make a life for herself and raise a smart, beautiful daughter. She’s going to wake up one of these mornings, realize what she’s missing, and come home. I have to believe she wouldn’t walk away from all this.
In the meantime, I’m becoming more engrained in Renee’s life, in her world. When I first got to the studio after visiting my mother, Priscilla asked me about Renee. It wasn’t a casual, concerned question, although she was concerned. Priscilla is in a bind because she has to cover Renee’s classes.
After hedging for a bit, she finally asked me if I could help her out and teach the classes scheduled in the afternoon during the times when Langley is busy, and a few adult classes in the morning when Langley’s in school.
Priscilla looked so desperate, I couldn’t say no. Just like that, more of Renee’s routine became a part of mine. I’m slipping into her life so easily, it frightens me. But I don’t mind it, and that frightens me too.
A little over an hour later, Langley and I are eating when she puts down her fork and looks at me. “Did Mom leave because of me?”
I stop chewing and give her a wide-eyed look of disbelief.
“Because I made her pretty mad.” Langley stares down at her plate and drags her fork through the thin layer of tomato sauce that coats it.
It takes me a moment to find my voice. “Of course not. It had nothing to do with you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I do. I know.”
Her gaze stays on her plate.
“Why was she mad?” I ask.
Langley’s throat works and her chair makes a soft squeaking sound as she restlessly swings her legs back and forth. “Because I asked her who my dad is.” Her gaze hesitantly shifts in my direction.
My heart lodges in my throat because I don’t know the answer, and I don’t know what to tell her. Renee found herself pregnant the summer after high school and deferred her acceptance to the San Francisco Ballet Company for a year. She wouldn’t say who the father was, and I don’t think she ever told Mom either. A part of me wonders if Renee even knows. She spent her senior year going to parties, drinking, and sleeping around.
Langley pushes back from the table. “Never mind. I’m finished. Can I watch television in the family room now?”
“Langley . . .”
I feel completely inadequate, knowing I should say something to wipe those thoughts of guilt from her head, use the perfect words to make her understand that none of this is her fault, but she stands without waiting for me to finish and leaves the kitchen. I stare at her empty place at the table, miserable because I botched this so badly. There’s a great deal going on beneath the surface with Langley, and the weight of it is hard to handle sometimes.
As I say good night to her at bedtime, I can’t ignore our conversation from earlier. I have to say something. I have to make things okay for her somehow.
“You know what your mother said when you were born?”
Looking wary, she shakes her head.
“She said she could never love anyone or anything more than you.”
It’s the truth. Renee did say that, but as I tell Langley, I know that just because Renee loves her daughter doesn’t mean she’ll come home, because she doesn’t love herself.
I kiss Langley on the forehead and sit with her until she falls asleep. Then I go back downstairs.
The house is quiet and dark, but my thoughts are far from quiet. In the kitchen, Siegfried stands by the slider, waiting to go outside the way he usually does after Langley’s gone to bed.
Normally, I’d go out with him and look up at the stars, but tonight I don’t feel like it. Instead I let him out on his own and watch through the glass because I won’t take the chance that Cole is out there. I can’t face him tonight, not after what he saw, not when I still feel so raw.
As I stand watching Siegfried roam the yard, I wish I could predict the future. If I knew we’d all be okay, I could hold on until that time came. I could grit my teeth and withstand anything, get through anything if I knew the end would be worth the struggle. But I can’t see into the future, and I don’t know that it’s all going to be okay. The uncertainty makes me restless and panicky, like I’m supposed to do something but I don’t know what.
Siegfried comes back inside on his own and I close the door. I’m about to turn off the lights and make my way to the family room, where I’m still camping out on the couch, when a knock on the glass startles me.
I look out to see Cole standing there. Siegfried whines and scratches his paw on the glass, his way of telling me to let Cole in.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Cole says as I pull the door open. “I would have rang the bell, but I figured Langley was asleep.”
“She is.”
He steps inside and fills the room with his presence, making everything else shrink in comparison. “You didn’t come outside with Siegfried. You aren’t avoiding me, are you?”
“No,” I reply, but my cheeks flush with the truth.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed, Nikki, not with me.”
After misjudging me so badly before, I don’t know how he reads me so well now.
“How’s the knee?” he asks quietly.
“Better.”
Cole studies me closely and takes my hand in his. His fingers are warm, his skin a combination of soft and rough.
“I want to help you, Nikki. Tell me what I can do.”
“Find Renee,” I reply without much hope or conviction.
“I’m already trying.”
My gaze flies to his. “You are?”
“I made a call when I got home. My agent has connections.”
“Connections?” I raise an eyebrow and he gives me a lopsided grin.
“You may have heard that professional athletes occasionally get into trouble. It’s his job to take care of his clients, and having the right connections comes in handy. I asked him to find out if Renee used her credit cards anywhere. If not, he might be able to find the last cell
phone tower that picked up her phone signal. I hope it’s okay that I did that.”
Nerves gather in my stomach. “Are any of his connections with the police? I don’t want to get her into trouble. I don’t want anyone to know I’m the only one here with Langley.”
He rests his hands on my shoulders. “There’s nothing to worry about. He can do this discreetly. I promise.”
I exhale in relief. “Then thank you. I appreciate that.”
“You don’t have to appreciate it, Nikki. I’m glad to help.”
I’m not used to anyone wanting to help me, and Cole seems to do it again and again. “Did your agent ever have to discreetly get you out of trouble?”
“Nah. Not me. I was practically a Boy Scout.” He smirks.
Despite my dark mood, I smile. Even if he wasn’t a Boy Scout, I doubt Cole got into any trouble. He may look the part, but he doesn’t strike me as the bad-boy type.
Cole releases my hand and his expression turns serious again. “I know you’re embarrassed that I saw you today, but I have to tell you that you’re an incredible dancer. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”
My skin flushes at the compliment. “Thanks, but I’m not, and that finale, falling flat on my ass, was hardly applause-worthy.” I laugh self-consciously.
“Is that what you honestly think?”
I shrug. “I’ve been with the company for over five years and I’m still a member of the corps. I’m not a great dancer. A truly great dancer told me so.”
Anger sparks in his eyes. “I know what I saw today and what I felt. You drew me. You made me feel everything you were feeling. With every step, you held my heart in the palm of your hand. When you stopped dancing, it still belonged to you. It does belong to you. You should probably know that since there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it.”
My eyes search his as I drink in his words, absorb them, and try to make sense of them.
“I’m a bad choice for you, Nikki. I don’t know what you want from me, if you want anything at all, but if you still want to feel good, I can do that. I can make you feel good.”
“Cole . . .”
I don’t know what to say since he’s caught me off guard, not sure what he’s offering. Another kiss? That’s what I said to him when I asked for a kiss. That we should do it because it would feel good, but that was before.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Maybe not. But let me do it anyway.” He pulls me in close and stares down at my upturned face, waiting for an answer, waiting for permission.
I shouldn’t give it. I should pull away and say no, but I can’t seem to make myself. My silence isn’t a no, and that’s all he needs.
When his mouth covers mine, I sigh at the sudden contact and press my body against him. My arms reach up to wrap around his neck as he grips my hair and tugs lightly, pulling my head back and opening my mouth wider to him. He did this when I kissed him this morning, and just as I think that, a memory flashes in my head of him doing this the night we met. Cole fisted his hand in my hair and used gentle pressure to control the kiss.
When I was first with Tag, he asked me what I liked, and I told him to grab my hair and pull down on it, but I thought I’d gotten the idea from a movie or that I’d made it up. When he tried, it didn’t do much for either of us, and Tag laughed at my PG-rated fantasy. But when Cole does it, my thoughts are anything but PG. It’s a whole different universe when Cole tugs on my hair.
Tension curls low in my belly as his tongue explores my mouth. I’m completely lost to him, and I barely register it when he moves us so that my back is pressed up against the wall. His leg nudges between both of mine and when they’re spread far enough, he pushes his thigh up against my center.
I break away from his mouth and pull in a desperate breath as the sweet ache between my legs intensifies. I can feel the smile on his lips when they slant over mine again. His leg pushes up against me, harder this time, and he absorbs my soft moan with his mouth.
When his rough fingers slip below the waistband of my jeans and brush against bare skin, my eyes pop open as I grab his wrist to stop him.
“What if Langley wakes up?” I ask. “What if she comes down here and sees us?”
His eyes search mine with a question in them, as if he’s wondering if that’s just an excuse or a real possibility. In the time that I’ve been here, she’s never woken up and come downstairs. Not once.
“Let me make you feel good, Nikki.”
The pressure inside me builds with the smoldering look in his eyes, and I’m helpless to tell him no. Without a word, I release his wrist and suck in a sharp breath when his hand sinks lower. He kisses me deeply once more before his fingers slide over my sensitive flesh.
“Oh God,” I whisper. My nails dig into his shoulders as my hips shamelessly push against his hand.
Cole slips a finger inside me while the pad of his thumb rubs right where I need it, over the bundle of nerves that craves his touch.
I throw my head back and cry out again, trying to be quieter this time, but I can’t because he’s driving me insane. His answer is to wrap his other hand around the back of my neck and press our mouths together firmly so that all my cries are captured by him.
We breathe hard against each other as his hand continues to work me. The wall is at my back and he’s at my front. I squirm beneath his touch with no choice but to give myself over to him.
Cole slips another finger inside me and my muscles clamp down on him. I groan as light shimmers behind my eyes and I pulsate around his hand. My body goes taut before it gradually relaxes again, leaving me weak and flushed.
His mouth releases mine and cool air washes over my face. My chest rises and falls rapidly with the harsh beat of my heart.
“Beautiful,” he murmurs against my forehead.
My chest feels like it might explode and ripples continue to wash over me.
He holds me until I’m able to stand on my quivering limbs.
“You’re so responsive,” he says. “You were that night too.”
He’s right. I’ve never responded this way to any man before, and I wonder if it’s the same way for him with me. My gaze trails down his strong build and I can see that he wants me.
“I can’t leave Derek alone too long. I’d better get back,” he says, answering my unasked question. He doesn’t want reciprocation. That’s not what this was about.
I watch as he reaches for the door. “Cole . . .”
He pauses to listen, but my words trail off. My jumbled thoughts all mix together, coalescing into an image of him. All I see is him.
“I know,” he says when I fail to speak. “Me too.”
The smile he offers is brief and the look in his eyes is a caress, but it’s shrouded in dark shadows.
He walks out the door, into the night, and I lean back against the wall, letting my body slowly slide down the length of it until I’m sitting on the floor, stunned and spent. My legs are like Jell-O, but my heart feels as if it could beat right out of my chest.
I hear Cole’s voice in my head. “With every step, you held my heart in the palm of your hand. When you stopped dancing, it still belonged to you. It does belong to you.”
His words fill me up and completely flatten me at the same time. They make me want to laugh and cry, jump for joy and run away. I’m terrified and jittery all over.
Cole told me tonight that he feels more than just lust or passion, that it goes deeper for him. It does for me too. I thought this was what I wanted, but now that it’s real, I’m scared.
If there are genuine feelings between us, can I overlook the reason why Cole and I shouldn’t explore them? I don’t know if I should. I don’t know if I can.
Langley bravely gets herself ready for school the next morning. She acts as if everything is normal and so do I.
I smile during breakfast because I don’t know what else to do. How many times can I reassure her? How many platitudes can she hear before s
he realizes I don’t know anything more than she does?
When she first woke up, she asked if I’d heard from her mother, and when I shook my head, she got up as if it didn’t matter. Langley thinks she needs to appear strong and hide all her hurt but I see it, and the pang in my chest makes me feel like it’s my fault.
My sister spent the first half of her life saving me and the second half resenting me for it. Sometimes I wish she hadn’t saved me. Then I wouldn’t feel so helpless watching her destroy herself. I wouldn’t feel responsible for her every perceived failure.
I’ve tried to talk to Renee about it, but she changes the subject so quickly it makes my head spin. She’d rather forget the past and pretend it has no bearing on the present. Since I’d rather forget it too, we both ignore the obvious and silently endure our own struggles. Except now she’s made her struggle mine, and I don’t know how she’ll feel when she comes home to find that I’ve won over both Langley and Cole. Somehow I don’t think she’ll be happy for me.
After I drop Langley off at school, I drive over to the dance studio. I’m supposed to teach Renee’s adult beginner ballet class this morning. Priscilla said I shouldn’t be too picky about technique since most of the students are doing this for fun and for the workout, which is perfect for me since my knee can’t take much more than a little light exercise.
I can walk on it, but it wouldn’t support me en pointe today. A few days of babying it and I expect it to be okay, or as okay as it ever is.
Images of Cole come to mind when I walk inside the dance studio. The way he burst in yesterday like my knight in shining armor when I collapsed to the floor. Thoughts of what happened between us later in the kitchen kept me awake most of the night. I’ll never look at Renee’s kitchen the same way.
Me too, he said before he left when I couldn’t find my voice. What did he mean? I think he meant that he knows how I feel and he feels it too. But I find it hard to believe he thinks about me as much as I think about him. He has no idea how conflicted I am. He doesn’t understand what Renee and I have been through. I betrayed her once, and I can’t stomach the idea of hurting her again.