by Debra Doxer
“Your father did that. Not you. My God, Nikki. You were only fourteen. Do you have any idea how brave you were? You did exactly the right thing. They’re the ones who were wrong. The fact that your mother wanted that bastard to come home after what he did is unconscionable.”
“I know. That’s why I don’t talk to her. I don’t understand how Renee can.”
“I don’t understand how Renee can blame you and treat you the way she does.”
“It’s not so hard to believe. After she left Cooperstown, I followed her to San Francisco as soon as I could. She was the one who loved dance first. I got into it because I idolized her. I wanted to be just like her. When she got accepted into SFBC, I wanted it too. I wanted to go with her. I thought if we weren’t in Cooperstown anymore, things would be better between us. But once I got to San Francisco, it was obvious that wasn’t going to happen. Renee was still too angry. She thought I’d ruin everything for her again.
“When I realized how she felt, I was devastated. I decided to leave and auditioned for other companies. But Dennis found out, and he took it personally. He said I was deserting him and the company. He refused to release me from my contract, and he never forgave me for it. In the end, it was all for nothing because a few weeks later, our mother had her first stroke, and Renee moved back home to take care of Langley. Our mother had been raising her up until then.”
I recall begging Renee to stay, offering to move in with her and help take care of Langley. But she’d already made up her mind. She was going to give up dancing. It was her dream, and she walked away from it without a fight.
“Our relationship was already in tatters, but it got worse once she moved back to Cooperstown. It was like I didn’t have a sister anymore.”
“Has she ever gotten help for what your father did to her?” Cole asks.
“She’s been in therapy but she never sticks with it.”
“She needs help.”
“I know, but you try making her get it.”
I turn and really look at Cole for the first time since I told my sordid story. What must he be thinking? Why isn’t he running for the hills? I shake my head, ashamed of the blood running through my veins, mortified by my own history.
“Hey,” he says softly. He cups my cheek and turns my face until I’m looking directly into those startling blue eyes of his. “Thank you for trusting me. You never have to be scared to tell me anything. I know you’re afraid I’ll think less of you, but that’s just not possible. I’ve never admired anyone more.”
The tears I’ve managed to hold back roll down my cheeks. I wrap my arms around him and let him hold me tight.
“How is it you can make me feel so good when everything is such a mess?” I ask.
“Because we make each other stronger. The two of us together could slay dragons if we had to.”
I laugh, but I can tell that he means it. He thinks I make him stronger. I’m not sure how that’s possible, but I know having him on my side makes me feel like I could face anything. Even a fire-breathing dragon.
When Cole kisses me again, it’s different. It may be the same lips, the same tongue, the same swarm of butterflies rioting in my stomach, but it’s more than that. It’s a touch that sinks deeper. It’s a kiss that claims me and shakes me to my core, a kiss with the potential to change everything.
When we get back to Cole’s house it’s late, long past dinner. Lily hears us come in and meets us at the door.
“Any luck finding Renee?”
Cole shakes his head.
“Not a very productive day then.”
“I wouldn’t say that.” Cole glances at me, and Lily’s eyes travel between us.
I turn away and go in search of Langley so Lily won’t see my cheeks catch fire. I don’t think Cole purposely implied anything, but it’s probably written all over our faces that things changed between us today. Or at least it’s written on mine.
“Aunt Nikki!”
When I walk into the living room, Langley looks at me with a smile that holds both relief and joy. Even though we’re not alone, something private passes between us. I came back just as I said I would.
“Ready to go home?” I ask her.
She nods and bends to help clean up a board game they were playing without anyone asking her to. It makes me feel proud.
Before we go, I make a point to thank Lily.
“You’re welcome,” she says. “Langley was no problem at all.”
I smile, relieved by her polite response.
Cole doesn’t kiss me good-bye or touch me in front of his sister or the kids, but the weighty look he gives me before I walk out the door tells me he wants to do those things. It tells me he wants to do more, and it isn’t easy to turn away from the heat in his eyes.
Possibilities wind their way through my thoughts. If it takes three months to recuperate after knee surgery and there’s still no word from Renee, I could do my rehab here in Cooperstown while I take care of Langley and spend time with Cole.
But only if Renee doesn’t come home. The dark cloud has a silver lining, and I tell myself I’m not hoping for that to happen. I’m only making the best of the situation.
When we get back to the house, Langley goes upstairs to change into pajamas. We meet a few minutes later outside her bedroom door. She’s holding the ribbon I gave her.
“You can have it back now.”
Smiling, I reclaim my good luck charm. “Thank you for taking such good care of it.”
I want to offer to let her keep it, but Renee has one too. If anyone is going to pass their ribbon down to Langley, it should be her mother.
I rub the smooth material between my fingers the way I have so many times before. It calms me and brings back so many memories.
“Do you like Mr. Dempsey?” Langley asks.
My fingers still. “Yes, he’s nice.”
“Mom likes him too,” she says and then she walks into the bathroom to brush her teeth.
I’m not sure how long I stand there, holding my ribbon and staring down the empty hallway.
Once Langley is tucked into bed, I go downstairs. In the quiet, images from the day bombard me and so do thoughts of Renee. Guilt follows those thoughts, forcing me to sit down on the couch and press a hand to the ache in my chest because I missed her less today. I thought more about Cole and myself than her. I found a silver lining in her disappearance.
The guilt grows heavier. It thickens and winds its way around my heart.
Desperate to relieve the pressure, I call Renee’s cell phone and am not surprised to get her voice mail again. But instead of demanding she call me back the way I have before, I tell her how much Langley and I love and miss her. I promise that she’s not alone, and I tell her that whatever the problem is, we can face it together because I’m her sister and I will always love her.
Then I promise to call every day to tell her the same thing, as many times as it takes until she finally hears me.
When I step out onto the patio, Cole is there, lying comfortably on one of the lounge chairs. Siegfried head-butts his hand, looking for attention. Once Cole acknowledges him, he wanders off into the yard, sniffing the ground as he goes.
“You look like you’re expecting someone,” I say.
“I am. She has the most expressive brown eyes, dark silky hair, and she was screaming my name a few hours ago. Seen anyone matching that description?” He grins and my insides melt.
“Possibly. Is your name Eduardo?”
His hand darts out and wraps around mine. Next thing I know, I’m toppling onto him and trying to stifle a laugh.
“Who the hell is Edwardo?”
“I have no idea.”
I kiss him and he turns us so that I’m lying along his side with his arm draped over my waist. I mold myself to him like the missing piece of a puzzle.
“Tomorrow marks two weeks that you’ve been here,” Cole says.
“It’s hard to believe only two weeks have passed. So much has happened
.”
His arm around my back presses me more firmly against him. We’re one of the things that happened.
“What are your weekend plans?” I ask.
He releases a heavy breath. “Derek goes back to his mother tomorrow.”
I tilt my head up to see his face. “I can’t imagine how hard it must be to say good-bye to him so often.”
“It fucking kills me. Every single time.”
I skim my hand up and down his side. “Is there any news about the custody situation?”
“Not yet. Celeste’s lawyer is pushing for a decision. She wants to be settled in LA as soon as possible.”
“Does Derek know what’s happening?”
“He knows Luke will be playing for the Kings, but he hasn’t pieced together what that means for him yet. I asked Celeste not to tell him until there’s a decision. I don’t want him in the middle of this, feeling like he has to choose sides.”
“She won’t win. She can’t. You’re a wonderful father.”
Cole kisses the top of my head. “It’s different when he’s here only half the time. It adds too much pressure to the situation. I want to make the most of every minute, and he just wants to be a kid.”
My heart hurts for him, and I wish there was something I could do to help. His words from earlier today echo in my head. “We make each other stronger. The two of us together could slay dragons if we had to.” Maybe just by being here, listening, and holding him, I’m helping Cole, making him stronger. I hope so.
“Is there a time I can see you during the day tomorrow instead of just out here at night?” he asks. “I’m driving Derek back in the morning, but I’ll be home after that.”
Anticipation bubbles up inside me. “I drop Langley off for soccer practice at ten.”
“Can you come here after?”
I grin up at him. “If you’re going to be here, I’m sure I can.”
His eyes narrow and then widen in pleasant surprise. “You’ve got a dirty mind, Miss Taylor.”
“Only with you.” Chuckling, I fist my hand in his shirt.
Cole surprises me by turning onto his back and pulling me on top of him so my legs fall over the sides of his hips. When I lean down to kiss him, my hair drapes over our faces like a curtain. His teeth nip my bottom lip, tugging gently as he runs his hands up and down my sides. I breathe him in for a long moment before I open my mouth over his. His tongue brushes mine, his hands squeeze my hips, and soon I’m lost to him, reduced to a bundle of nerve endings that need his touch.
We spend half the night on that lounge chair, making out and talking. We want to do more, but we don’t. We can’t out here, but that doesn’t mean I don’t ache for him. Even so, I’m just happy to be with him and he seems happy too, smiling more freely tonight, joking and flirting.
Before I go inside, Cole asks me not to put off calling Nadia to tell her about my knee, and he wants me to plan the surgery for sooner rather than later.
This is a sore spot for him. He knows he shouldn’t have kept playing hockey each time he got injured, and he’s afraid I’ll dance injured and make things worse. But he doesn’t have to worry. For a long time, I haven’t been my best. My injury has held me back. I understand that, even though I denied it for years. Whether Cole knows it or not, he helped me find the strength to finally face it.
“I’ll call Nadia tomorrow,” I tell him.
My reward is a deep kiss that lingers on and leaves me breathless by the time Cole decides he has to leave before neither of us cares about committing public indecency under the stars, where the children and the entire neighborhood could see us.
I’ve just returned from dropping Langley at soccer, and I’m barely through Cole’s front door before his mouth is on mine. I thought he might be feeling down or want to talk since he just said good-bye to Derek, but his lips aren’t forming words. They’re sucking on the side of my neck.
“I’ve been thinking about this since I left you last night,” he murmurs. “How long do we have?”
“Only an hour.”
He picks me up and tosses me over his shoulder. Ignoring my screech of surprise, he heads up the long staircase at the center of his house. It isn’t easy to see the upstairs from my vantage point—I have a much better view of his beautiful behind—but what I can see is gleaming hardwood floors and windows that go all the way to the ceiling.
“Nice landing,” I comment.
“My bedroom is nicer,” he replies.
He flips me off his shoulder and I land in the center of a bed, giggling like a little kid.
“You’re manhandling me, Cole.”
“I haven’t even started yet.”
His eyes smolder, and my smile falls away as my teeth sink into my bottom lip. His gaze zeros in on my mouth.
“Get undressed.”
My lips curve at his command. “You first.”
With a playful smirk, he pulls his shirt over his head, tosses it on the floor, and unbuttons his jeans. He quickly sheds them and stands before me in tight black boxer briefs that leave nothing to the imagination.
My mouth goes dry and now I feel overdressed, suffocated by the jeans and blouse that stick to my heated skin.
Sitting up, I pull off my shirt and feel the way my hair drops back down onto my bare shoulders. When I reach for the button on my jeans, Cole moves my hands away impatiently. Within seconds, the jeans are down my legs and balled on the floor beside his.
“It’s crazy how much I want you,” he says, and his words make my stomach quiver.
Next he slides my panties down and works his way back up my body using his mouth, trailing his tongue over my skin, leaving behind goose bumps. When he reaches the top of my thighs, he stops, and I can feel the warmth of his breath. My own breathing goes shallow with anticipation and I gasp when his tongue licks over me. He pushes my thighs apart, and then his fingers join his tongue, making my eyes roll back in my head. Cole licks and sucks until I cry out, gripping his hair as I twist beneath him.
My heart is still racing when he leans in to kiss my smiling lips. I can taste myself on him, and I want nothing more than his weight pushing down on me as his body fills mine.
I let my legs fall open wider, welcoming him. When Cole pushes into me with one powerful thrust, I arch my back and wind my arms around his neck, gasping at how perfect he feels.
I wrap my legs around his waist, but he surprises me by gripping my hips and flipping us over so that I’m on top. My weight pushes him deeper, and the muscles low in my belly spasm.
Cole smiles lazily, appearing to like the view as my hands automatically land against the pillow on either side of his head.
“Move, sweetheart,” he says, thrusting his hips up, making my inner walls ripple around him.
I’m not used to this position and it takes a moment to find my rhythm, but once I do, his eyelids fall to half-mast and he moves along with me. Instinct takes over, driving me to go faster as I chase my release. My breath comes in harsh pants, and Cole’s hands dig into my hips while his eyes hold mine with a look so piercingly intimate, it’s like he can see parts of me I’ve never shown to anyone before. All at once, my muscles grip him tight, and I cry out as waves of pleasure break over me.
Cole tenses with a shuddering groan. When his muscles relax and his head falls to the side, I collapse limply onto his chest, my hair fanning out over his skin. His heart races beneath my ear and when it finally slows, he murmurs my name.
I look up to find his eyes closed and realize he didn’t say my name to get my attention. He said it just to hear it, or maybe to feel it on his lips.
Smiling, I lay my head back down and experience the strangest feeling. Its essence is unrestrained and hopeful. It whispers to me, saying I can have something good without it disappearing or slipping through my fingers. It tries to convince me that I deserve this. That all my struggles led me to this moment, and Cole is the goodness I had no idea was out there waiting for me.
My mood is unch
aracteristically buoyant. I’m sure Langley will notice but she’s oblivious, chatting about soccer practice and how Charlotte, a popular girl who has never spoken to her before, offered Langley some of her grapes during their break.
“Was I supposed to send you with a snack?” I glance at her in the rearview mirror.
“Yes, but if you did, Charlotte might never have talked to me.”
“Glad I could help then.”
“What’s for dinner?”
“Shouldn’t we have lunch first?”
“Oh yeah. I forgot about lunch. Can we go to the store and get stuff to make our own pizza? We could put hot dogs on it and peppers. I love peppers.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Hot dogs and peppers?”
“And pickles too.” She giggles.
My eyes narrow. “Don’t forget tuna. I like tuna on my pizza.”
“Seriously? That’s so gross.”
Laughing, I turn into the driveway and agree to homemade pizza minus the pickles, tuna, and hot dogs. “After you shower,” I add, looking at the caked mud on her knees.
Langley runs ahead of me up the walkway and bends down to pick up something in front of the door.
“What’s that?” I ask as I step around her to put my key into the lock.
“An envelope.” She shoves a white envelope at me and walks into the house.
I turn it over and see no writing. There’s no stamp either, so someone must have left it here.
Siegfried walks out of the kitchen to greet me. After dropping my purse on the couch, I scratch behind his ear and rip open the envelope. Inside is what looks like a photograph. Curious, I slip it out, and the person I see there makes me take a step back as the picture falls to the floor.
It falls image side up, and my heart pounds as I look down at it. The photo is of my father sitting on a couch in a room I don’t recognize. His hair is slightly grayer than I remember.
I haven’t seen his likeness since I moved away from home. Laying my eyes on him now, even in a photograph, feels like black sludge sliding over my skin, contaminating the happiness I felt only a moment ago, before I opened the envelope.