by Guess, Joshua; Ribken, Annetta; Ayers, Rachel; Whitwam, Lori
She might have to be our full time diplomat.
Posted by Josh Guess at 8:42 AM
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Mother
My mother is dead.
It was not a zombie attack, or marauders, but something totally mundane.
There was a fire at her house last night, and she died while doing something stupidly heroic. There were three patients at the clinic in her home, and she collapsed after getting the one of them that couldn't walk out of the front door. She was burned, but Evans tells me that it was smoke inhalation that did it.
A lookout told me that he saw someone running from the house shortly before the blaze. I can't even think of that right now. Instead, I choose to eulogize her. It is the least that I can do to create some lasting monument to the person who shaped me more than any other. And to try in some small way to show you what you have missed, not knowing her, not being enriched by her presence.
Her name was Juanita. She was born into an Irish/German family in the fifties and raised as a catholic. It was her earliest desire in life to be an artist, but the realities of life led her to a stable career in nursing. Her career was with the Veterans Administration in its entirety, where she received many awards for her work. Her professional life was dedicated to providing the best care possible to men that had served our country, who had suffered in many ways for others.
She was selfless to a degree that I will never equal. I am not trying to paint her as perfect, because of the inherent impossibility of it, and because if I tried, she would be over my shoulder, correcting me gently.
She could be brash. She had a sharp mind that saw all sides of a problem, and was never shy about telling you when she disagreed. She believed to her core in the equality of all people, and in the sanctity of living things. She was a great mother, if an overly self-critical one, and it was that constant niggling doubt, I think, that made her such a spectacular parent. She was a constantly evolving person, always excited to learn and change, to cast away old habits if new ideas proved better.
She often apologized for her insane work schedule. She would cry sometimes, when she thought no one could hear, for the small things in the lives of her children that she missed. But my siblings and I saw her actions for what they were; a single parent determined to provide more than just the basic necessities for her children, a mother so in love with her kids that her only goal was to give us easier lives and better opportunities. We told her time and again that we understood, that we appreciated her. But now I wish I could have said it oftener, had hugged her every time I saw her, to better convey the gratitude toward her that I always feel.
My relationship with her has always been a strange one. We became friends while I was very young. We debated everything, and she was open-minded to a degree that I have rarely seen equaled. We talked often of many things, from politics to religion, philosophy to television shows. Every subject, any subject, and these are memories that I will treasure for all my life.
She shaped me in very unique ways. It was as though she could see my heart as a child, and knew that the normal means could not satisfy. Instead of teaching me morals, she taught me to build my own. She encouraged me to try out my own ethics, and logic, and create my own stances based on them. I am the youngest child, the baby, and my kind are often treated much more gently. I was no exception. But where I was punished less than the others, so was I pushed harder to be better, relative to myself. Because she taught me to appreciate that if I were the one to determine what I would be, what I would believe, then consequently I could only blame myself if I fell short of my own expectations.
I don't know how that sounds to you, but for me, it was a wonderful way to grow up. To be treated as an equal by my mother because I had shown her that I was up to the task was more encouraging than any other stimulus.
She was the biggest balancing force in my life, my constant well of advice and answers to tough questions. My sounding board for my own ideas.
If I sound selfish here, please forgive. I can't stop thinking of what is gone from our lives, and the memories flood me. How she and I related has shaped me like wind and rain on the mountains, and I can't imagine how to move forward from here. It feels like a limb is gone, and a part of me is numb. She was simultaneously the heart and conscience of this place, and we are all less without her.
My siblings and I are getting together for a while. Jackie and David are taking it as hard as I am, and we need each other. Later, we will have a service for her, and the people around here will have a chance to mourn the passing of a person who never hesitated to help them, to heal them, and to make them laugh.
My mother is gone.
Where do I go from here?
Posted by Josh Guess at 11:28 AM
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Ignition Point
I didn't post anything yesterday because I was in bed almost the whole day. We took Pat's suggestion and had ourselves an Irish wake, those of us closest to my mom. There were plenty of volunteers to cover shifts for us all, which is a small testament to how loved and respected she was.
I have men out questioning people about the fire. I am still heartbroken, but a deep and seething fury has been added to that. Someone here knows something, and the truth is going to come out. I am certain that we are dealing with arson, and that means that my mother has been murdered.
I don't have a lot of time to dedicate to this. I am going to be questioning people all day as they are brought in. Today, the zombies outside don't matter. Only answers do.
Posted by Josh Guess at 7:57 AM
Friday, May 28, 2010
Ashes
I have been removed from power. The people of the compound have voted me out of leadership, and are planning a series of open forums to discuss my replacement, or if I should have one.
They are completely right to do it.
I acted without thought, dragging people in here to be grilled about the night my mother died. I pushed at my friends and neighbors, my fellow survivors, far to quickly and far too hard, without any time to consider. As it turns out, the person that was seen running from the clinic was a patient named Will, trying to warn someone. he passed out in a clump of bushes in the empty field next to the clinic, and was unconscious from his reopened wounds until last night. He re-injured himself nearly to the point of death to try and save lives, and his bravery should be rewarded.
I abused my authority. Not in a nazi sort of way, but in reacting so strongly, with no consideration, I proved to the people who have tried so hard to make this place a home that I am unfit for that sort of power. Maybe when I am older and have more restraint, but for the foreseeable future, I cannot be given that sort of position.
I see it now, and partly because of my own stupidity. You see, I have a college degree in Fire/Rescue, sort of like criminal justice but for firefighters. That degree includes a fair amount of training in the ways to determine arson, locating point of origin, and the like. Instead of using that knowledge, I acted rashly and instinctively. It has been made clear to me by many people that knee-jerk reactions like that are unacceptable in a leader here, and could lead to serious trouble with the numerous zombie attacks we are constantly hit with.
So there it is. I'm glad this happened before I could do real harm. I really look forward to doing something more in tune with my nature, and working with my hands again, if that is what's called for.
Posted by Josh Guess at 12:27 PM
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Bits and Pieces
Zombies are hitting us in groups almost daily at this point. The attacks are pretty well focused on the main gate, which is where we are putting in the greatest effort on the wall. Construction is going well, and the northern face is almost done.
In all the madness of the last week, I forgot to relay to all of you that our latest group of survivors finally made it here. If I did mention it, then I promise you that I didn't do any sort of justice to them. These peopl
e are great--hardcore survivors with a huge variety of skills and knowledge among them. They didn't need to come here, not for any reason other than companionship, they could have gone anywhere and prospered. But they chose us, and we are glad to have them.
There is going to be a vote next week for a new leader. There is also a discussion going on among the council, who are collectively acting as our leadership at the moment, as to what role I will play. Mom apparently suggested before she died that should I ever step down, Dave and I should be put in charge of long term planning and projects, which makes sense given that we were doing that anyway. I like the idea of getting to come up with realistic and creative solutions to problems without dealing with a ton of red tape. Since we run a minimalist sort of machine here, we pretty much go from planning to action in one step. Mom certainly knew her boys, and the practicality that was hardwired into her has passed on to us, making us ideal for the job.
Courtney has really been keen on the idea of reaching out in a more concrete way to other pockets of survivors. We have talked a lot the last few days about a group of us going on an extended trip around the country, visiting and sharing with other communities that have managed to keep going like we have.
It's an exciting time here, and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I hope that we can compartmentalize our various governmental needs enough that our next leader doesn't have to carry as heavy a load as I did.
And in a bit of random news, my sister's small school is doing very well. Jackie was trained as a special education teacher, and has an amazing ability to connect with people, especially kids. She has taken the idea that we have to start teaching from scratch and run with it, creating a very unique and interesting curriculum. More on that soon, I want to do it justice. After all, learning and using that knowledge is what separates us from the other animals, isn't it?
Posted by Josh Guess at 9:13 AM
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Learning Curve
The council has decided that my brother and I are to remain in charge of long term planning and construction. I chalk this up to the fact that we have had two zombie attacks this morning, and the main gate held nicely. Nothing proves that you should be kept doing what you are good at like the concrete results you get from multiple attacks by the living dead.
We are actually looking at making people in all these desk jobs work in pairs. See, before the fall, my brother pretty much did this for a living. But he is teaching me as we go, how to look at all the logistics and planning, which he is expert at. But a lot of his time is spent out on the wall, teaching people how to build. Redundancy is going to be key in the long term, so that we don't lose someone critical should something happen. Always have a backup.
We have managed to repel the attacks thanks to the determination and quick responses of our lookouts and workers on the wall. For many of us, learning to adapt to new patterns and habits has been a trying experience, but I give full credit to everyone here for being flexible and supremely able.
But it does raise interesting questions, and gives us valuable examples of how we must change our basic way of thinking in order to better survive. I have been talking to my sister about this, as have a few other people, since she is in charge of education. So we have asked ourselves what it is we should be teaching the kids, to prepare them for the future they will face as we progress.
So we are working on a curriculum based on practicality. Self defense is a part of it, including unarmed and armed combat, how to aim, fire, and care for a gun, gun and general weapon safety, etc. Mathematics and basic engineering are integrated, which seems like a good idea as the engineering element will serve to make math much more interesting for the kids. Of course reading is in there as well, and social studies, though we want to make sure that the next generation understands the way the world used to work, and why it failed in so many ways, that they might better avoid repeating those errors. One planned field trip is a visit to the wall, to give them a real understanding of what the zombies are, what they are capable of.
Our aim is to give the next generation a wide variety of skills before adulthood. They need to know how to fix a roof and survive in the wild. How to build a house and farm the land. We want each of them to be able to approach any problem with enough realistic knowledge to have a chance at solving it.
It's not just kids that are still learning.
I have been in touch with the folks at Google, as well. Many of the engineers there are actively researching long term energy solutions, and are going to be sending us some detailed instructions on how to build wind turbines and other sustainable energy devices. They tell me they are working very hard on coming up with grid-level energy storage as well, though they are skeptical on getting anything prototyped in the near future. But I hold out hope. I mean, if companies a few months ago could figure out how to harvest hydrogen from urine, and to power batteries with urine, then I think that with the proper motivation, these guys will come up with a solution using better materials than pee.
That's all for now. Have to go talk to Cortney about some interesting contacts we have been in touch with, and maybe plan another trip.
Posted by Josh Guess at 10:46 AM
Monday, May 31, 2010
Catch
Evans and I are going out with a small group today to try and catch a zombie. Beyond wanting to understand what is causing the dead to rise, we are very interested in seeing if we can observe them long enough without being seen to possibly understand the recent changes in their behavior. Today is going to be a busy one, and I have just enough time before we head out to post this, letting you know.
It's gonna be tricky. But with any luck, we will have a subject to study that fits Evans' fairly strict criteria. Jess is pissed that she can't go, but in her condition, I am not planning on letting her take any unnecessary risks. If that sounds sexist or whatever, good. It is. She is carrying a life, and that makes her much more important than me. So she stays safe.
Off we go.
Posted by Josh Guess at 9:16 AM
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tower and Captive
We caught a zombie. It took forever to find one that met Evans' rather strict criteria, but we got there. It was a bit like hunting, sitting around in a blind waiting and waiting and waiting. Wish I had taken my phone with me, so I could have gotten some writing done while I was so bored.
The zombie we have penned up is an adult male, somewhere between the ages of 24-38. He is without obvious injury, and appears freshly dead. He has no odor of decomposition, which is good. It means we have a great place to start.
We want to observe him for as long as we can, seeing what changes occur physically over time. Evans plans to dissect him eventually, so that we can try to understand what is causing this to happen. One thing that I can tell you for sure; when they first come back, zombies are clumsy and stupid. The one we have is not, so we have to assume that he has been this way for a while.
Enough of my morbid interest in necroscience.
Jess is really pissed that she isn't going out into town. She has gotten so used to being free to take risks, to be right there next to everyone else while bad mojo is going down. But now all I hear about night and day is that she's stuck on light duty, watched wherever she goes. So "we" talked about it, by which I mean that she told me and I had no choice but to agree, and she is going to be doing tower duty.
The watchtower is a bit of a masterpiece, and we have my brother to thank. We managed to squeeze in enough people on it to finish it quickly, and since we harvested almost all the trees in the north half of the compound, it has a clear view down the hill, and over the wall. It sits at the highest point, right in the middle, so we keep four riflemen, one for each direction, up there at all times as lookouts.
Jess is going to be the dayshift north rifleman. Riflewoman. Person. Whatever. She's a very good shot and Patrick got her an amazing 30.06 with a ridiculous scope on it as a strang
e sort of baby shower gift, though we haven't had one. I worry about her being so high up, being so exposed should living enemies show up and try to snipe us out. But she isn't to be denied, and I like my bits and pieces right where they are, so I won't argue.
She's up there right now, and I can hear the occasional crack as she tests her aim from five hundred feet. Glad she's on our side, she likes one shot kills way too much for her own good.
I am off to work with Dave on some designs for additional defensive structures we want to add to the wall when we get it done. Best to plan these things out ahead of time, so that we can be ready to go as soon as possible.
Things are going well.
Posted by Josh Guess at 10:11 AM
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Warning