The Stainless Steel Rat Goes to Hell

by Harry Harrison

  “Are these creatures native to this planet?” Angelina asked.

  “I have no idea—but I would dearly love to find out.”

  They flew lower, circling and chorusing high-pitchedly just above our heads. I bent my knees—and sprang. Grabbing one by the leg before it could float away. It kept on singing, blue eyes staring upwards. I squeezed it, touched the wings, tried to lift the ribbons around its loins. So that was it. I twisted with both hands and tore its head off.

  “Jim—you monster!” Angelina cried.

  “Not really.” I pulled the head away and wires came out of its neck. It kept on singing and fluttering its butterfly wings. I released it and it floated away still singing from its dangling head.

  “Null-G robots filled with recorded music. Slakey must have built them to add verisimilitude to the landscape for conning his suckers.”

  The road curved through a glen filled with flowering shrubs. As we approached something burst out of the bushes and galloped towards us.

  “That’s mine!” Angelina cried out happily as she ran towards it. A stained and scratched robot with one good eye. I hurried after her, not to spoil her fun but to stand by in case of accidents.

  There were none. It was all done quite deliberately. When it swung its mighty hand, tipped with razor-sharp fingers, at her she swung her power saw up even faster. The hand clanked down on the road leaving the robot with a metal stump. Two stumps an instant later.

  It tried to kick her. There was another clang and it tried to hop away on its remaining leg. Then, limbless, it rolled along the ground.

  “You are not nice to people,” she said, saw ready. “You are just insensate metal so you do not feel what I am doing to you. You do only as you are instructed. It is your master who is next.”

  The head rolled over close to my feet. I looked down and smiled as the light in its single eye faded and died.

  “One down,” I said as I kicked it aside. “Now we follow this road to its master’s lair. And please stay alert, gang. Slakey knows that we are coming and will throw everything at us that he can.”

  Sudden memory flashed and I jumped. Shouting.

  “Off the road!”

  A little too late. The slurping sounded and the road rolled out from under our feet disclosing the chasm beneath.

  “Gravchutes!” I ordered, turning mine on. Our descent into the pit stopped just before we hit the jagged stalagmites and sharp blades that projected up from the pit floor below. We zoomed up and out to safety and our advance continued. Beside the road.

  “There it is,” I said, pointing to the white temple on the hill ahead. “That’s where I met a fat old Slakey playing God in this unheavenly Heaven. I wonder if he’ll be there now?”

  We were about to find out, approaching the marble steps with caution. They were not moving this time, no celestial escalator for us. We strode up resolutely until we could see the throne. And Slakey sitting on it. Scowling ferociously.

  “You are not welcome here,” he said, shaking his head. His fat jowls jiggled and the golden halo bounced with the movement.

  “Don’t be inhospitable, Professor,” I said. “Answer a few questions and we’ll be on our way.”

  “This is my answer,” he snarled as he reached back and seized his halo—and hurled it at me. It exploded as it struck my suit, knocking me down with the impact. I climbed back to my feet and saw Slakey, throne and all, vanish into the floor.

  As he went down—so did the ceiling. The supporting pillars must have been pistons as well. Before we could escape out of the way the entire thing, stone ceiling, roof and lintels and all, crushed us like beetles.

  Or it would have crushed us like beetles if we hadn’t been wearing our battle suits. As the weight of stone struck the nanomolecules in the fabric locked and the suits became as rigid as steel.

  Steel coffins. “Can anyone move?” I shouted. My only answer was grunts and groans. Was this the end? Crushed under a power-operated temple in Heaven. Waiting for our air to run out. One hundred hours—and then asphyxiation.

  “No … way!” I muttered angrily. My hands were at my sides. All the pressure was on my chest which stayed as hard as nanosteel. But there was no weight on my hand and I could wiggle my fingers. Move them, feeling along my belt in the darkness. Plucking out a percussion grenade by feel. Pushing it into the rubble of broken stone, as far out as I could reach. Taking as deep a breath as I could. Triggering it.

  Flame and a great explosion of sound. Smoke and dust of course—that settled and blew away to disclose a crater in the stone. With sunlight filtering in.

  A few more grenades did the job. I stumbled to my feet, staggering as another explosion rocked the ruin of the temple, and Angelina emerged from the cloud of smoke. We embraced, then blasted free the others.

  “Could we please not do that again,” Sybil said, more than a little shaken by the experience.

  “An act of desperation on his part,” I told her. “Trying to pick us off before we closed in on them. It didn’t work—and now we take the fight to them.”

  “How?” Angelina asked, ever practical.

  “This way,” I said, leading them back down the steps. “That first pit we fell into in the road was just that. A pitfall pit for killing people. But this pit leads to the underworld where his entire operation is taking place.”

  As I said that, I flipped another grenade towards the place on the road where I and the robot had dropped through. It blew up nicely and opened a hole into the deep chasm below.

  “I’ll lead since I’ve been this way before.”

  We powered up our gravchutes and leaped into the jagged opening. Floated down slowly instead of dropping as I had the first time. The jagged stone walls moved past at a leisurely pace, lit by the ruddy glow from below. Then the bleak, black landscape with its sporadic gouts of flame came into view. The table-like structures were still there, barely revealed by the ruddy light. But there was a difference—the women were gone.

  We soon discovered why. They were all grouped together before the buildings. My troops landed and spread out, weapons ready.

  “Don’t shoot!” Angelina called out. “Those women, they’re the victims, the workers here.”

  As we warily came closer we could hear a low moaning, and the familiar coughing. It was pretty obvious why. They were tied together, ten or twenty in a bunch, bound with ropes.

  “Safety is here!” I called out. “We’ve come to free you.”

  “Oh no you’re not,” Slakey said in chorus. Behind each group of women was a Slakey with a gun. They all spoke at the same time because of course they were all the same person.

  “Leave or we kill them,” he/they chorused as each of them raised his gun and aimed it at the captive victims.

  It was stalemate.

  “You can’t get away with this,” I said, playing for time, wondering what I could do to save them.

  “Yes I can,” the massed voices said. “I will count to three. If you have not gone by then, one in every group will die. You will have killed them. Then another and another. One … two …”

  “Stop,” I called out. “We’re going.”

  But we didn’t—the women did. The coughing and moaning was replaced by silence and a whooshing sound as they popped out of existence. I had a moment of dreadful fear that they were gone, dead—until I saw the shocked expression on every Slakey’s face.

  Professor Coypu—of course! He had been watching and had snatched them out of Heaven to the safety of Prime Base.

  I raised my gun and shot the nearest Slakey, ran towards his inert body. Everyone else was shooting now and a blast of fire rocked me back. I stumbled, ran on, grabbed for the Slakey I had shot.

  Grabbed empty air as he vanished. The firing was dying down, stopped, as the Slakeys disappeared one by one. Angelina reholstered her gun and came over to me, patted my arm. “I saw that you killed one. Congratulations.”

  “Premature. I used my paralysis pistol since I
wanted to talk to him.”

  “What next?”

  “A very good question. There is no point in going to the coal mines right now because that’s just the place that supplies the raw ingredient. The same goes for the cyclotron chamber because we know that the unnildecnovum is made there, but brought here for separation from the coal dust.”

  “Then we find where it is taken.”

  “Of course—and it can’t be far.” I turned to Berkk. “You heard Slakey order the now extinct robot to bring it somewhere?”

  “That’s right.”

  I turned and pointed past the rows of empty tables. “That way, it has to be that way. The opposite direction from the cyclotron. Let’s go look.”

  We went. Warily. Knowing that we were getting close to the end of our quest and that Slakey would not like this in any way. He didn’t.

  “Take cover!” I shouted as I dived. I had only a quick glimpse of the weapon as it floated into position in front of us, a large field gun of some kind.

  It fired and the shell exploded close by. The ground rose and slammed into me; chunks of shrapnel and shattered rock rained down. This was not good at all—even Coypu’s battle suits could not protect a body from a direct hit. It fired again—then vanished.

  “Got it,” Coypu’s voice spoke in my radio earpiece. “A remote controlled siege gun. I dropped it into a volcano in Hell from a great height. Are there any more?”

  “Not that I can see. But—thanks for the quick action.”

  We advanced, past the spot where the gun had appeared, and on towards a solid metal fortress-like structure. I didn’t like the look of it—liked it even less when ports flipped open and rapid-firing weapons appeared. Firing rapidly.

  “Professor Coypu!” I shouted as slugs struck all around us, and into us, knocking us down and rolling us over.

  The professor rose to the occasion. An armored gun carrier appeared between us and the building, firing even as it thudded to the ground. The weapon traversed and the weapon positions were obliterated one by one. With the defense silenced the gun traversed once more and blew away the front entrance to the building. A hatch opened as I passed the machine and Captain Grissle of the Space Marines poked his head out.

  “I’ll cover you when you go in. Just shout and point.”

  “Right—and thanks.” I pumped my right fist in the air, then pointed forward. “Charge!”

  We did. Right up to the front of the building, beside the gaping hole where the door used to be.

  “Grissle—can you hear me?”

  “Loud and clear.”

  “Put a couple of rounds in there before we go in.”

  “No problem.”

  A couple proved to be more than a hundred; he must have had plenty of ammo. Flame and smoke exploded inside the building. Sounding farther and farther away as the interior was demolished. The firing stopped. Then a last large-caliber shell whistled by—the resultant explosion was so distant it sounded like a mere crump.

  “Holed through to the other side.”

  “Cease fire then-we’re going in.”

  Whatever defenses and traps that would have been awaiting us were gone now. Flame and destruction had blasted any obstruction aside. We felt our way through the debris in the darkness. Which began to lift as the smoke cleared. Light poured in from a ragged opening in the wall ahead. Weapons at the ready, we crept forward, looked out.

  “Now isn’t that nice?” Angelina said. “It looks like we have finally reached the end of the trail.”

  CHAPTER 28

  WE WERE LOOKING OUT ON the pleasant valley of Heaven. Blue sky above, green grass below. A gentle breeze stirred the leaves on the ornamental trees and brought sweet perfumes to our noses. Set into the valley floor were white marquees, small buildings with tiled roofs half concealed by flower-filled gardens. Paths twined through the landscape, past fountains and statuary. All of this surrounded the most unusual object I had seen in my unusual life. A matte-black sphere at least ten meters high. Smooth and unmarked in any way; a giant eight ball without the eight, a Brobdingnagian bowling ball without finger holes. We stood and gaped.

  “Can’t you feel it,” Angelina said, holding out her hand towards the enigmatic object. “That sensation, indescribable—but that’s what we looked for in the coal dust.”

  As soon as she said this I became distantly aware of what she meant, knew why the sensation could not be described. A weight that was no weight, an experience unfelt, a movement that stayed still. Women could detect small quantities—but there was enough in the sphere before us for mere men to feel.

  “Unnildecnovum,” I said. “That’s where it all has been going, that’s what Slakey has been doing with it. A few particles of unnildecnovum at a time to make that thing. It must have taken an awful lot of years.”

  “Why is he doing it?” Angelina asked.

  “I don’t know—but I think that we are going to find out very soon. Look.”

  A round, fat figure that could only be the Slakey from the temple waddled out of one of the tents and made his way to a conference table surrounded by chairs, dropped into the largest chair. He sat staring at the ground for long seconds before looking up. He looked angrily in our direction—then made a single wave of his hand to signal us forward.

  “It’s a trap,” Angelina said.

  “Possibly—but I think not. This is his grail, whatever it is, that he has been working so energetically to build, fighting so hard to defend. The battle is over. So let’s go down and see what he has to say.”

  Warily, spread out with our weapons ready, we walked down the valley. It was peaceful and serene and undoubtedly very dangerous. I felt better when I approached Slakey, closer and closer. I was too near to him now for the other Slakeys to use heavy weapons. I sat down in the chair nearest to him, swung my backpack off so that it rested on my lap. Leaned back comfortably and smiled. Slakey scowled.

  “Draw up some chairs, guys, and listen,” I said, “this is going to be interesting.”

  “How I wish I could kill you, diGriz. That was my primary mistake. If I had killed you the first time I saw you none of this would have happened.”

  “We all make mistakes, Slakey. You have made a lot of them. It’s the end now and you know it.”

  His face blazed with suppressed fury. I could hear his teeth grating together. It was very nice to look at and my smile broadened.

  “I knew that we would get you in the end,” I said, “So I made certain precautions. This is for you.”

  I took the backpack off my lap and set it on the table between us. This was totally unexpected; he looked at it with bewilderment, at the square white cross on the red background.

  “Are you mad? First aid … medicine?”

  “Sorry,” I said. “This will make it much clearer.” I leaned over and peeled off the cross.

  Underneath was a glaring red radiation symbol. And a notice spelled out in red letters:

  TEN-MEGATON ATOMIC BOMB

  HANDLE WITH CARE

  KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN

  “Just a small precaution. I armed it when I put it down. It has nothing to do with me now, although it is tempting to look at the switch. You see, Professor Coypu has another ignition switch and is watching us closely at the present time. Keep that in mind at all times.”

  “You can’t—”

  “Oh, but I did. I am very serious about this. Just one more thing before we draw this matter to its close. Professor Coypu, now is the time.”

  I had arranged it all with him, beaten down his reluctance and convinced him that it was the only course possible. Slakey had to be stopped and this was the only way that it could be done. I smiled with relief when Angelina and the twins, Sybil and Berkk, all vanished.

  “Safe back in Main Station.” I looked up and waved. “Sorry, Angelina, but I had to do this my way. If you were here I would not have had the guts to go through with it. Now I can. If something should go wrong—and I don’t think it will
—remember … that I have always loved you.”

  I jumped to my feet and patted the bomb. “Enough emotion. I shall put love aside for the moment and get involved in some solid hatred. And, oh, how I hate you you multibodied monster. And I have you at last. There is no escape. It’s just you and I now, Slakey. End of the line.”

  “I want to make an arrangement with you, diGriz—”

  “No deals. Just unconditional surrender. And don’t make me angry or I might lose my temper and just press the button and settle you once and for all.”

  “But wait until you hear my offer. It is an irresistible one. You see—I am going to offer you eternal life. Wouldn’t you like that?”

  He was right. It was a very attractive offer. But this nutcake was a fruitcake and I couldn’t believe anything that he said.

  “Tell me about it, Professor Slakey. Convince me and perhaps I will consider it.”

  “Entropy,” he said sinking automatically into professorial didactic lecture mode. “That is my field of expertise, as you know. But you do not know how far I have advanced my knowledge, or to what lengths my research has gone. In the beginning was the theory. I did a mathematical analysis of the transuranic elements. I found that as the atomic numbers became higher the rate of entropy slowed. By very little, but the reaction was there. When I extended the equations they revealed that the maximum reverse entropy would be at element one hundred and nineteen. And the equation was correct! When the cyclotron produced the first speck of unnildecnovum I could feel it. And the more concentrated the mass the greater the effect.” He hauled himself to his feet. “Come, I will show you.”

  “Mind if I bring this?” I asked, pointing at the bomb. He hissed with anger.

  “Eternity is about to be revealed to you—and still you jest …” He got his temper under control at last, turned and walked towards the black sphere of unnildecnovum. Someone moved out of sight in one of the white buildings that we passed and I knew that the other Slakeys were present and watching. Closer and closer to the featureless sphere we walked until we stood next to it, with the bulge of blackness blocking out the sky above.