by Conrad Aiken
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Great Circle
A Novel
Conrad Aiken
O frantick, fond, pathetique passion!
Is’t possible such sensuall action
Should clip the wings of contemplation?
O can it be the spirit’s function,
The soule, not subject to dimension,
Should be made slave to reprehension
Of crafty nature’s paint? Fie! can our soule
Be underling to such a vile controule?
JOHN MARSTON: The Scourge of Villanie
I
Why be in such a hurry, old fool? What good is hurry going to do you? Wrap yourself in a thick gauze of delay and confusion, like the spider; hang there, like the spider, aware of time only as the rock is aware of time; let your days be as leisurely and profound as months, serene as the blue spaces of sky between clouds; your flies will come to you in due season. Must you always be running desperately from minute to minute? Have you such an appetite for action? Have you such a passion for decisions? Must you always be snatching your hat from its peg in Shepard Hall, Shepard Street, Cambridge, Mass., and rushing out to an encounter with some one, with any one, with every one? Must you forever be listening for the telephone to ring, or the doorbell; hoping that it will be Floyd, with news of a wild party; or Celia, who wants you to dance with her at the Brunswick; or Bert, drunk, with a new poem which he is frantic to read to you; or a total stranger with the keys to hell? By all means accept the invitation to hell, should it come. It will not take you far—from Cambridge to hell is only a step; or at most a hop, skip, and jump. But now you are evading—you are dodging the issue. You do not really desire to drink with Floyd at a wild party, nor to hear Bert’s poem, nor to dance hieratically with Celia in the Egyptian room; you do not even desire to go to hell with a total stranger, for, after all, Cambridge is hell enough. What you really desire is the simple finality of action, or of decision; you have yet to learn the most elementary facts about life. And what, my dear Andrew Cather, are the elementary facts of life?… Why, you poor idiot, you know them perfectly well, or you ought to, at thirty-eight. Permit yourself to be sifted by time, slowly,—be passive—wait. Learn to rot gently, like the earth: it is only a natural rot that is creative. The least violence, the least hurry, the least eagerness for action or decision, the least forcing of the issue——!
Damn—blast—putrefaction.
The tendency of his thought becoming unbearable, he jumped up, snatched his ticket from the window sill beside the Pullman chair, and bolted toward the smoking car. A pale girl reading a magazine listlessly, her knees crossed under green satin: she looked up at him with wan evocation. She was bored, she wanted to talk to some one, her reading of the magazine was only a pretense. Too bad, darling—but I’m afraid it can’t be easily enough managed. The conductor, in a chair at the end of the car, counting tickets and making notes with a pencil. The green curtains over the men’s room awry, and a fleeting vision of a sad salesman, cigar in hand, who stared uncomprehendingly at the sliding Rhode Island landscape. His suitcase, cracked at one seam, stood on the black-leather settee. Poor devil—on his way back to Boston, from Bridgeport, defeated; the other salesmen had been before him. He was cursing the trees, the hills, the wind, the infrequent drops of rain that grazed the windows, leaving chains of fine beads; he was cursing them without seeing them.… Then the corridor between cars, swaying violently, knocking and bumping, with the little iron stepping-stone which was always to be avoided by the wary foot: it creaked and sidled. He stepped over it, smiling, and entered the smoking car. The familiar smell of soot and tobacco smoke, of stuffy plush and foul spittoons—garboons!—arched his nostrils: he felt more masculine, and more at home, as he chose a chair in which was a newspaper.
The Premier of France was ill. The boxing commission of New York had disqualified Zylenski. Prices were lower on the big board, owing to the usual week-end profit-taking. The President had received a committee of boy scouts: photograph of a weary handshake. Miss Dolores Vargas, new star of the talkies, was said by her friends to be engaged to a prominent Chicago banker: photograph of Dolores waving a handkerchief from the rear platform of a train. The Maroons had beaten the Bruins in overtime. The boll-weevil was moving north, a drought in the east Sierras was causing serious alarm about the water-supply in Nevada, Oswald Morphy, well-known author, was dead, Klenkor would remove corns and bunions quickly and painlessly in two or three applications.… And the murderer of Jennie Despard, Providence schoolteacher, had not yet been apprehended. An automobile salesman was missing from his home in Putnam, and while the police authorities declined to state that they connected this in any way with the murder, they admitted that they were anxious to ascertain his whereabouts. Mark Friedman. A married man with two children: his wife was prostrated. Best of luck to you, Mark: you’ll need it. And she probably deserved it, too—though was it entirely necessary to do it with a hammer? Still, there is no accounting for tastes. The poor man might have been in a hurry.
Hurry—hurry—hurry—everything was hurrying. The train was hurrying. The world was hurrying. The landscape was hurrying. The wheels rushed blindly over the rails, over the joints, over the switches: rat-te-tat-te-tattle-te-tat-te-tump-te-tattle-te-tee. The locomotive driver, or the fireman (it was probably the fireman), was obsessed with the panic of speed, and blew prolongedly and repeatedly on the whistle. Scarcely a minute was left unpunctuated by the moan of the whistle. Horses in twilight-brown pastures threw up their tails and galloped away for a moment, turning alarmed heads. Birds darted in clouds, zigzag, off wires, swooped, circled, glided to rest again. The whole world, it seemed, was to be made conscious of the important hurry of the train. For wasn’t this train, this Knickerbocker Limited, like everything else a consummation of eons of evolution? Wasn’t it the categorical imperative? It was achieving its terrific destiny. Like the daisy in the field, or the honeysuckle, or the hummingbird, or the fungus, it was pushing its way blindly and terribly to its end. Nothing could stop it. Nothing?… And here was himself also, Andrew Cather, hurrying from point to point on the earth’s surface, describing his swift little arc: and all these things were a part of him, a symbol for him. Here was this eternal rush, of which the external speed was merely an index, a portent, of the internal panic. Panic! God forbid. Was it anything so bad as panic? Must one always be taking things so seriously? Must this fever in his brain be forever urging him to a passion for consummations?
Calm yourself, old fool. Survey this row of dead faces opposite you: these hard business men, these watchers of ticker tape, these casters of balances, these signers of important letters and foreclosers of mortgages. Do they allow themselves to be rushed into decisions? Do they walk at midnight, hatless, in a rain, plopping through puddles, because of a secret anguish in the heart? When their offices are closed for the day, and the stenographers are gone, and everything is quiet, do they stretch themselves on the floor in paroxysms of weeping? Absurd. They have no hearts. Or if they have, they have learned the secret of the granite: they are silent, they wait, they fall instinctively into the slow rhythm of the stars, everything at last comes to them. But you, you poor idiot, you simulacrum of a soul—good God, what a fool you are. Here you go, outstripping with speed of mind the speed of this train. You are already in Cambridge, you are already noiselessly letting yourself into your flat in Shepard Street, you are already standing, just inside the door, and listening to hear if your excellent wife Bertha is at home. Not a sound—not a whisper—not the creak of a board. You
cast a furtive look at the chairs in the hall: what is it that you are expecting, or even almost hoping, to see? A hat? A man’s hat? No, you avert your eyes from the thought. You had not really expected this. But you are curious, just the same, and that is why you are here, three days before she had expected you. It is like a melodrama. But that has nothing to do with it. If life chooses to imitate a cheap melodrama, why then it is obvious enough that you have to behave like a character in a melodrama—a ridiculous hero with a permanent expression of long-suffering, or a villain with violent mustaches. And so you are acting the part: you are stealthy, you walk swiftly and softly on the balls of your feet, you half hold your breath as you approach the sitting room, you crane your neck at an unnatural angle in your endeavor to reassure yourself that there is indeed no one there.… But supposing there should be some one? Ah. This is what you really want. You really want to find some one there. Do not deny it—do not pretend. You are deliberately seeking a catastrophe—you are yourself in the act of creating a disaster. You want to see your life violated, broken in two, your precious secrecy exposed in a yellow light of pure horror. Could you not have avoided this? Could you not have ignored Fred’s letter? My dear Andy: it’s none of my business, perhaps, and probably you’ll be the last to thank me; that’s always what happens, but I wouldn’t be doing my duty to you as a friend if I didn’t write to tell you—Oh, Christ. Why read it again? Why remember it? Why act upon it? Why not get off at Providence and return to New York, precisely as if it were a return to sanity? It was growing dark, they were crossing a river, a row of lights sped across rain-sodden ice, a lamp was lifted in a farmhouse window. Whoooo—whooooo—the demon fireman blew his whistle again, prolongedly, nostalgically, into the gathering gloom, rain began pattering again on the train roof and grazingly along the windows, came and went in flaws of needles. My dear Andy, it’s none of my business. My dear Andy, it’s none of my business. But whose business was it, then? Was it Tom’s? Was it Bertha’s? Was it God’s? Perhaps it was nothing at all. Perhaps they were merely playing duets. Side by side on the long mahogany bench, leaning together, leaning apart, Tom the bass and Bertha the treble, the Haydn Surprise, the Drum-roll Symphony, his foot on the pedal, her hand on the page. Shall we take that again? We’ll start at G in the second bar. Haydn duet, hide and do it. The clock was ticking, the curtains were drawn. Shepard Street was outside in the rain, everything was cosy, everything was peaceful, New York was far away, merest of whispers in the southwest, and Andy—what was Andy? A ghost behind the music, a shadow beside the hearth, an echo in the corridor. He was an old raincoat in the cupboard, a towel in the bathroom, a napkin ring in the sideboard, a name on the letter box. He was a handful of bills on the hall table, a catalogue of second-hand books, a pair of rusty skates in an old trunk. And the cocktail shaker on the Japanese tray, the shaker that leaked, Tom holding it muffled in a handkerchief, shaking it over the hearth while he laughed—come on, Andy, let’s have another round—the night is young—let’s get well oiled and go and see Dynamite Gus—come on, Bertha; come on, Andy—I’ll pay for the taxi—we’ll have some arak at the Greek’s, and ringside seats at the Garden. Have you read the Childermass? Let’s experiment with the Kieseritzky gambit, or the fianchetto. The new record of the “Love of the Three Oranges.” Let’s walk to Fresh Pond in the rain, visit the pumping-station, or drop a tear on the tomb of Henry James. Plymouth for the week end. Chocorua. A game of poker at the new bookshop. Come on, Bertha, come on, Andy, I’m back from a faculty meeting and I want to raise hell. Tea at 3.30. Meeting at 4. The committee appointed to prepare a minute on the life and services of the late John Jacob Morrison, Professor of English, Emeritus, will present the minutes to the faculty. Recommendations from the administrative board for changes in the Regulations for Students in Harvard College, of which the most important is that section 14 be amended as follows. Let’s discuss methods of suicide. Potassium cyanide. Tell Bertha you’re spending the night with me, and we’ll take Louise and Molly to Concord. Treason! Treason! The treason spoke innocently through the Haydn, rose softly and guilelessly under the fingers of Tom, under the onyx signet ring, under his long brown hands, the wrists held high and arched, under the wedding ring on Bertha’s fourth finger, on whose inner surface was a fine incised inscription. Treason chimed with the chiming clock, a present from Tom, wreathed itself in a water color of nasturtiums, shone softly on the opened score from a shaded lamp. Where is Andy? Andy’s in New York, said the bass. Come on, Bertha——
This must stop, this turmoil must stop. The Maroons had beaten the Bruins in overtime. The Prince of Wales had been thrown by his horse Beautiful Blonde Sues Millionaire Scion for Heart Balm. American Womanhood Purest in World, says Bishop. Tax Scandal Shocks Senate. Rain will be followed by snow. Unseasonable warmth soon to end. Blizzards in far West, Denver under three feet of snow, villages in Rockies cut off from the world. Krazy Kat Is On His Way. Says you? Says me. Utilities Lower on Curb. Love Baron Leaves Hollywood. Oh, yeah?
—You can’t teach ’em a thing.
—You can teach ’em, but they won’t learn.
—They don’t want to learn.
—Believe me, I’m through.
—God! and those hotels.
—Never again for me, no sir.
—Say, porter, what about a cigar.
Pack of cards, informative bid, clubs, diamonds, pass. Amherst Quintet Invades Crimson Territory Tonight. Lapp Life Studied in Racial Investigation. The Lapps are a nervous class of people and would be termed neurasthenics … where a stick was whacked against the side of a tent, the inhabitants fainted from fright …
God’s Providence is our inheritance. One hour to Boston. Once more the train gathered speed, fled through dwindling suburbs into the night, whistled for crossings, devoured immense spaces of darkness, clattered past interminable strings of freight cars on a siding, swooped over bridges, lurched, steadied, whistled again and again. Small stations whirled past, dimly lighted, their wooden platforms glistening with rain, their names telescoped with speed. Hurry—hurry—hurry—everything was hurrying, the world was hurrying, the night was hurrying. The bells for a crossing chattered madly ahead, rose to a higher note, fell away behind to a sad minor murmur, were lost. He closed his eyes. The back of his hand rested against the cold glass of the window, vibrating; smoke stung his nostrils; long lights flew beside him in bright parallels; this was Andrew Cather. Calm yourself, you idiot—pull yourself together—you must regain control. Think of New York, the stars in the Grand Central Station, the girl who dropped her ticket at the gate, blushing as she stooped to pick it up, looking over her shoulder. Think of the fern-fringed fountain in the lunchroom at the hotel, old Rodman scratching his beard with a pencil while he figured the cost of the textbook, the marble clock, the rows of brass keys behind the desk. Mr. Cather, please—Number 218—Mr. Cather, please. Fred’s letter. My dear Andy, it’s none of my business. It’s none of my business. Think of the blocks of ice in the urinals, the disinfected sweetness of the telephone booths, the silent corridors of plush, the stealthy chambermaids with jingling key rings. Drive down Broadway at night, as if flying into the heart of a vast fiery opal. Take the express and change to a local at 14th Street. Climb the dirty stairs to the elevated, reading all the enameled advertisements, clacking through the heavy turnstile with a nickel.
—What I mean is——
—Oh, sure——
—… kind of a turbine principle——
—… on the level, yes——
Wah-wah-wah-wah—the voices all rose at once against the clamor of the train through a deep cutting. It’s none of my business—Oh, of course not. But it was a mere disinterested love of music, that was all. Companionship. Years and years of it. Just like a brother. Come on, Andy—come on, Bertha—we’re going to Revere Beach, we’ll have a drunken battle with marshmallows on the boardwalk, we’ll find the monkey in the cage, we’ll raise a little polite hell. He waved the gin bottle over his head, gave
a whoop, clutched Bertha, and began dancing along the hall. Bertha screeched, slapped her hands against his chest, pulled his ears. A harmless lark, they had so many tastes in common, like brother and sister. Why, for years Tom and Bertha hadn’t missed a night at the Sanders Theater concerts. No indeed. How they loved Haydn! How they adored Bach! What about a little Brandenburg tonight? and a little ravioli to begin with? what about the North End? what about the fortuneteller? Bertha’s eyes were on Tom while the dark lady studied her palm. What was the look in her eyes which had so struck him at the time? Nothing. Sense of change, sense of time, the flowing away of all things, cloud shadows on falling leaves. Who was Bertha? Bertha, to begin with, then Bertha plus one, Bertha plus two, Bertha plus three: never the same again. The sudden kiss in Craigie Street, the laugh, the shock, the readjustment to terrific wonder, the wedding, the honeymoon, and then the amazing flight of years and places, the dance of rooms, the dance of apartments, the dance of houses, the chorus of changing voices and faces. And now, after ten years, it was Bertha plus four, Bertha with Tom, Bertha with music, her arms grown heavier at the shoulders, her clothes more careless, fond of cocktail parties and dances, golf at Belmont, lunch with the Sewing Circle. Well, by God, if it was true—! Treason. Horror. He jumped to his feet, flung down the paper on the seat, and hurried forward. Pocahontas. The passengers were beginning to be restless, old ladies were waking up, the porter was gathering the bags from their reluctant owners and carrying them to the vestibule. Swaying, he touched the green velvet back of a chair, then another, then a third. A long row of lights fled past the windows, illuminated houses rushed at them and rushed away again, a cement wall converged on them perilously, whipped a series of swift column shadows at them, and was gone. Cordaville? One of the Newtons? Auburndale? The houses closed in on them, their path was being narrowed, one deserted station succeeded another. He sat down, put his feet on his suitcase, closed his eyes, and listened to the delicate sound of the rain on the roof and windows, which could be heard as a secret accompaniment to the train’s violent storming of suburb after suburb. The Harvard Club, first—cocktails and dinner at the Harvard Club, a little leisure, a little peace, time to pull himself together, to muster the phrases, the attitudes. What attitudes? A genial bursting in, gay homecoming, followed by instant surprise? Bewilderment? An entrance quiet and suspicious? Announced beforehand by the bell from below? Unannounced? Suppose they were at the piano. Ah yes. Then the easy comradely smile. But why are you home so soon? Why, indeed. But suppose, on the other hand—! And the phrases. Hello, darling—are you there, darling? Or perhaps it had better be in the plural. Idiot! What you need is a few drinks at the club—that will put you right, don’t worry, wait. Relax. Believe in God and the sanctity of marriage, not to mention the holiness of friendship. Have faith in Massachusetts and the Pilgrim Fathers. How do you do, Tom; hello, Bertha—what a fortunate coincidence to find you together—did Gieseking play on Thursday? Is there any ice in the icebox? Wonderfully mild weather for the time of year, isn’t it? But the papers say the rain will turn to snow before morning. Don’t stop playing—do go on—shall I turn the pages for you—or the sheets? Have I come to the right place? Is this Shepard Hall, Shepard Street, Cambridge, Massachusetts? Or was it two other fellows? Excuse me for intruding. I must have made a mistake. Haven’t we met before somewhere?—your face is very familiar—too damned familiar, if you ask me—and now let’s all join hands and have a good laugh together. But on the other hand—? No, no, no, no, no. Not. Never. Couldn’t. Not that! This is no place for old-fashioned melodrama, we don’t do such things in Cambridge, no indeed. There are no beds in Cambridge—how could we be so vulgar? My dear Tom, it’s none of my business, I’ll be going, just dropped in to see how you two lovebirds were getting on; hope everything is going swimmingly, that’s fine, O. K., see you in hell one of these days, good-by, good luck, God bless you, send in the bill. We aim to please. By the great love I bore you—Christ. Bores me, the sum.