Don't Wake Me if I'm Dreaming

by J. E. Chaney

  A couple walked by, maybe in their early thirties, holding hands. I gazed, wondering if they were married. Marriage isn’t a bad thing. They looked happy enough.

  A family approached with two small children and the mom was holding a baby. I watched as they set up an area maybe twenty feet from where I sat. I observed the time it took for the family to settle in and get the children situated. My mind began wandering in thought. I knew how badly Matt wanted a family. I tried visualizing the family as my own, but the thought wasn’t peaceful; children crawling on me, tugging at my clothing asking for food. Me constantly holding a crying baby, looking like I didn’t have the time to tend to my own needs. The thought was overwhelming and quickly split away when I realized I had chewed my fingernail to the point of bleeding.

  I thought about how much Matt loved me, how every time I was hurt or scared, he rushed to my side wanting to care for me. How I shut him out when my dreams began changing, and even then his love never wavered.

  I tried finding reason for our existence as a couple, but fell short with each thought. He would be content to nest in the city with me as his wife, never wanting more. I would never be content with that life. It wasn’t until waking from the coma that I realized how much I was missing in life and wasn’t ready to fall back into my boring old habit of simply existing.

  “We’re not going to bother you are we?” the young mom asked, walking in my direction with a baby.

  “You’re perfectly fine and very thoughtful to ask.” I smiled, distinguishing reality from my nerve-racking fantasy.

  “Your sunburn looks painful. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, as long as I stay in the shade, it doesn’t feel too bad.”

  “Are you here by yourself?”

  “Uh, no,” I pointed to Matt’s backside, floating just above the water. “That one is mine.”

  She smiled. “You don’t mind if I sit here in the shade and feed my baby do you? I don’t really see anywhere else unoccupied with shade nearby.”

  “Sure, no problem.” I stood, pulling the towel to the side to make room.

  “Thank you!” She sat cross-legged in the sand and began nursing her baby.

  I picked up my book and attempted to read, giving her the little privacy I could offer.

  “My husband had this idea the Bahamas was an excellent place to take the kids for a family vacation. I could totally run him over about now.”

  I laughed a little, setting the book down. “How old is the baby?”

  “Four months. Her name is Annabelle.” She pointed to the second to oldest. “Annette and Allison is the oldest. Anna, Netty, and Alli.”

  “Great names. I’m Sasha, and the aqua duck out there is Matt.”

  “I’m Judi and that’s my husband, Ben. Thanks for sharing your tree with me.”

  I returned the polite smile watching Ben build a sandcastle with the girls.

  “Do you have children?”

  “No, we’re not married. I’m not really the family sort.”

  “I was able to relate to that one, I almost died when I found out I was pregnant with Alli. But something changed the moment I held her. It was love at first sight and now we have three.” She laughed.

  “They are lovely children, and I do enjoy my niece and nephew, but I’m selfish I guess.” I didn’t really care to justify my reasoning with a stranger. “What is he holding?”

  Matt waddled up the shore with his flippers on holding a large chunk of something white. His brown curls were smoothed into waves.

  “Hey, ah, sorry.” He noticed the woman next to me was feeding her baby, and then quickly rested his gaze on me. “Brain coral for my brainy girlfriend.” He handed me the coral, noticing my fingernail. “What happened? Your finger looks like it’s bleeding.”

  “It’s nothing.” I pressed it on the towel.” Thanks for the coral. It will look beautiful on the coffee table.” I smiled returning my attention to the lady. “It was nice meeting you. Maybe we’ll see you around.” I grabbed my towel and book, stuffing them into my bag.

  “It was nice meeting you, too.” She waved.

  Matt pulled off his flippers trying to catch up with me. “Soo…”

  “Don’t say it.” I shook my head, knowing he was going to ask if I caught a little baby fever.

  He smiled complacently. “Are you wanting to head back already?”

  “I want to clean up for lunch. Maybe we can do some shopping in the mall where it’s cooler.”

  “Sure. We’re going to have to talk about it sooner or later.”

  I realized he wasn’t talking about lunch. “Later is fine. Maybe twenty-five years from now.”

  “You’re maternal clock won’t be ticking by then.”

  “Matt, we’re not even married. I hardly think we need to talk about children. At this rate, you’ll be naming my eggs,” I spoke louder than normal, walking ahead of him.

  He quickly caught up. “You’re so stubborn.”

  I glanced at him, my walk turned into an informative march, signaling my mood was changing.

  He missed the cue. “You act as though having a family would be the end of the world,” he continued pressing the subject, which wasn’t settling well with me.

  “Why does this subject always come up? Can’t we just put it to rest already?”

  “I bring it up because I was ready to ask you to marry me before the accident. You assured me you were ready, too.”

  I remembered while in the hospital reading the text I sent him the night before the accident, telling him I was ready for marriage. “Things have changed, I’ve changed!” I stopped at a nearby log and sat, setting my bag on the sand.

  “What’s going on?” he asked.

  “Sit!” I pointed to the log.

  He dropped his snorkeling gear on the sand and sat with a concerned look. “What’s up?”

  “Just give me a second, please.” I sat quietly a moment, carefully selecting my words. Thoughts of Jack instantly resurfaced, but I worked pushing him away. I was conflicted with emotions between loving two men, one I could have and maybe be content with, the other I’d possibly spend my life dreaming of, finding happiness only within my sleep. I knew what I needed to do, what had to be said before he had the chance to propose.

  His hand reached for mine, holding it.

  I stared at it for a second finally feeling guilt accompanied with a pain in my chest, knowing I had to let Matt go. “You have been the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’ll be forever grateful for our time together. When I picture my future, I can see myself as your wife, but not the one you’d expect of me. I’m not the Susie Homemaker baby-birthing machine you want me to be. It’s just not for me. I enjoy my freedom. I like not having a mommy pooch and saggy boobs and not having to cook dinner every night. And sleep, I can’t even imagine trying to sacrifice my sleep for someone else’s needs, especially if it’s crying!”

  His brows furrowed in concern.

  “I’m sorry, Matt. I just don’t see a happy future with us having such different desires. You want a family, marriage, and the conveniences of the city life. That’s not for me. I see myself living in a plantation in the country, gardening, away from the city.”

  “Please, don’t say what I think you’re trying to say.”

  “What you want, no need me to be, it’s not what I want. I’m not ready to settle down, and more than anything, I don’t want children, I just don’t. Like I can’t think of anything I want less in life. I realize that seeing Aimee pregnant, I’m not getting the baby envy thing I should be feeling. It’s just not for me. Aimee and I always figured we’d have babies at the same time, but…I…”

  He quickly stood, his reply sharp and immediate. “Fine, I can wait and we don’t have to have a baby. I’m fine with that. You want to wait twenty-five years to get married, I won’t ask, I swear,” he painfully pled, dropping back on his knees. “Sasha, I love you so much, I’ll do whatever you want me to do, I’m begging you, please don�
�t do this.”

  The panic in his voice pained me and for a moment I considered his words and almost gave in. His pain became mine, but I couldn’t let it persuade me away from my decision.

  “I’m not doing that to you, Matt. You need babies, a lot of babies and there is no one on earth more deserving and ready than you to settle down. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who wants the same things out of life. If I take that from you, we’ll never be happy, and then what, we’ll just live miserably together always wondering what if?”

  “We can be happy. We are happy. Please don’t do this. Dammit, Sasha, come on you were happy just a few weeks ago! Give it a little time you’ll remember how happy we were. You can’t just walk away now after all we’ve been through.”

  “I’m not happy, Matt. The whole reason I wanted this vacation was to find happiness again, but I just can’t, not right now, and giving up my dreams to fulfill yours won’t bring either of us happiness.” I fought to not look away from him, his pain was so transparent and visible it killed me.

  “I thought I lost you once, please, baby. God, please don’t do this to us.” He turned, running his hands through his hair in panic, dropping to his knees at my feet. “I’m begging you, please don’t do this. He reached his hands to my legs, holding tightly, his extreme distress transmitting through his touch. He stood again, his face filled with torment. “Whatever I did to push you away, I’m sorry! I’ll fix it! Please, I’m sorry.” He reached for my hands pulling me to my feet. His arms wrapped around me, and out of guilt and fear of never feeling his touch, I gave him a moment before pulling free of his grip.

  I began second guessing my actions and words, but all the thoughts of settling and not finding happiness resurfaced. “Please don’t make this any harder.” My voice was faint. I wanted this conversation to end, for him to be okay with this, to not bring more pain and guilt.

  “Harder? If it’s so hard for you then why, why do this?” His tone changed from agony to frustration and heartbreak. “None of this makes sense!”

  My eyes filled with tears. “I’m leaving now. I think we’ll need some time apart to cope, please know this is the most difficult decision I’ve ever made. I hate myself for hurting you, Matt, but I have a second chance at life, and more than anything I need time to figure out what’s right for our…my future. I’m sorry.”

  I grabbed my bag and handed him the coral, not intending to offend him.

  “Keep it,” he said, staring at me in shock.

  “Give me a few minutes to collect my stuff from the room. I’ll leave the key at the desk.”

  He reached, grabbing for my arm, holding it. “Don’t do this! Don’t throw us away like we were nothing to you.”

  “Matt…” I held up my hand stopping him from trying to kiss me.

  “I’m not going to let you go this easily! Come on, Sasha, I love you. Baby, I’m begging. Give us time.”

  His face was sadder than I’d ever seen. He reached out his hand.

  I stepped back and looked away, not wanting to see him cry. “It’ll make it that much more difficult,” I said with a painfully brittle voice. “Forgive me.” I hurried off, wiping stray tears from my weeping eyes.

  I left Matt standing puzzled by my sudden departure knowing I had shattered his world. It would be a lie to say I felt a huge release walking away. In fact, it was just the opposite. I stopped a few times on the way to the hotel to catch my breath. I even considered turning back, begging Matt for forgiveness for hurting him, as it was never my intention to cause him pain. Seeing him in this state felt like daggers in my heart, but I knew I did what I had to do to give him the life he deserved, to find someone who was ready for what he wanted. I knew if that was my future, it wasn’t any time soon and my heart didn’t feel it was with him.

  I returned home completely miserable. Matt had called me more times than I could keep track of and if he wasn’t calling he was texting. I was feeling such a pain in my heart that I couldn’t eat and had to take my sleeping pill just to get through the random nightmare caused by heartache. My heart was broken, but as much as I wanted to answer my phone and hear his voice, I refused to allow myself to surrender to a life I knew I didn’t want. I was ready to move on, not from him, just from the walls that had held me prisoner in life, in my apartment. I wanted away from the memories haunting this place.

  Forest

  “Hand me the shovel, pretty please?” I asked Aimee.

  “Shovel?” She leaned over without lifting her boots from the soil. “Got it.” She handed it to me. “Did you decide what color you want to paint the kitchen?”

  I looked at the old plantation in thought. “What about a soft sage green?”

  “Puke. How about red?” She looked at me over her shoulder, wiping sweat from her forehead.

  “No, no red. We can run and get samples from the hardware store later.”

  “Sure” She tossed a handful of weeds in the bucket. “Can I put Scott down for a nap first?”

  I pointed to my front patio. Scott was lying almost asleep on the swinging chair next to Charlie.

  “He sure loves your dog,” she said with a grunt, pulling another weed.

  “Ah, he’s a good mutt. I never knew I could love a dog so much, but he does makes it easy.” I tossed a pile of dirt, and then pulled a plant from the pot, shoving the roots in the hole.

  We continued tending the garden in silence, both lost in thought. I had bought the old house on the outskirts of Charlotte just over two years ago, shortly after leaving Matt. I needed away from the memories that were haunting the apartment. I had slowly worked to restore the large house that echoed when I spoke too loud, but it never felt empty with just Charlie and me, which in turn, helped me to slowly reconcile the abrupt about-face of leaving Matt.

  I realized I truly had no desire to render my solitude and fill the dwelling space between the walls with a family. I was content with exactly the way things were. Vance and Aimee continuously volunteered to help me around the property and house, both enjoying their hand in restoration work.

  I took a break for a moment to catch my breath between digging holes and stared at a small Magnolia tree on the side of the house. It was gifted to me from Matt when I first moved here. It took a while for us to reach the point of establishing a healthy friendship, but any doubts I’d harbored about us slowly dissolved from reoccurring dreams after each time we spoke. Each dream I had of him left me with such anxiety when I woke that I took my sleeping pills for a few nights until I was confident my dreams would take me somewhere else. Somewhere other than having two chaotic toddlers and living in the city. Matt confirmed he’d never be okay living here when he delivered the tree, explaining he didn’t understand why I would take on such an odious project. There was no way I’d ever have found happiness with him here. And I was okay with that.

  I didn’t need his or anyone else’s approval to love this place. I felt like it connected me to my mom in a way. She would have loved it here. My dad and Sam both knew this, and were supportive of my decision, knowing how much it pleased me, and how impressed mom would have been. They even helped refinish the hardwood floors before moving in my furniture. I knew the house had a history; probably an unfortunate one since this was once a cotton farm, but I paid the house due diligence for withstanding time and providing me shelter.

  “What the hell took him so long? I thought he was just picking up beer, not grocery shopping.” Aimee brought me out of deep thought.

  Vance pulled down the long graveled driveway sending both Scott and Charlie running toward the car.

  “Daddy!” Scott ran, jumping into Vance’s arms before he had closed the car door.

  I pulled off my gardening gloves and followed Aimee to his car.

  “Liquid rehydration.” Vance handed me a beer on the walk to the patio to escape the sun for a few minutes.

  I sat next to Aimee on the porch swing watching Scott chase Charlie around the yard. “He needs a dog.” I n
udged her arm.

  “He has all the dog he needs when visiting his aunty Sasha.”

  I lay my head back, stretching the kink in my neck from hunching over the flower garden. “Vance?”

  “Yes?” he asked, sitting down on the wood planks that formed the patio.

  “Want another project?”

  “What do you have in mind?”

  “Imagine if you had a ceiling fan above you circulating the air, and how much cooler it would feel out here.” I held the beer bottle against my neck, cooling my skin.

  He lay back, resting his head on his arm staring up at the brass light fixture hanging above his head. “It honestly wouldn’t be that hard since the wiring is already there. And I’m sure you have all the tools considering your dad bought out half the hardware store for your house warming gift.”

  “That’s actually a really good idea.” Aimee nudged me back. “We can check out the fans at the hardware store.” She redirected her attention to Vance. “Do you want to stay here and clean the grill while Scott naps? We’re making burgers for dinner.”

  “Sure. I was just about to replace the hinges on this bad boy.” He reached over pulling at the bottom of the screen door that made a loud creaking sound.

  “Thank you.” I spaced off for a few seconds staring at the wood frame surrounding the screen. “I need to buy a new replacement screen.”

  “Already did, it’s in the car.” He lifted his head drinking his beer. “Of all the homes on earth, you had to buy the oldest,” he grumbled, stretching an arm to poke my shoe. “I also grabbed some light bulbs.”

  “Why?” I asked, directing my gaze from the screen to Vance.

  “I broke the one in your studio room when I was replacing the fixture.”

  “Send me a bill.” I slid down in the porch swing then pushed myself back up. “Two more plants and we’ll head out,” I said to Aimee.

  “All right. Come on Scott, let’s take Charlie inside, and wash up. It’s nap time.” She reached out for my hand to pull her up. Vance followed her inside.