With a container of dry dog food in hand, Sandy walked to the car which sat next to the house unused on most days. Kneeling down, she looked under. Lillie smiled at her. She lay on her side with the four pups shoving for a place—each one certain the other sibling had the best vantage point. Sweet grunts came from under the car as the mother lay calmly allowing her babies to feed. Slowly the pups fell off after filling their tiny bellies and curled up next to mom in a puppy pile ready for an afternoon nap.
“Hey Lillie.” Sandy spoke softly to the new mother who probably felt abandoned after Billie left. Sandy gently held out a morsel of food to the exhausted mother. “How about a snack, honey?” Lillie carefully took the nibble of food from Sandy’s hand. Sandy allowed her to chew it and then offered another, not reaching as far under the car this time so the dog would have to stretch for it. She patted the velvet head each time the dog took a piece and gave her plenty of time to eat each piece. Slowly Sandy backed up forcing the dog to slide out after the snack. Then Sandy left a trail of dog food leading to the front porch where the new doggie nest lay snuggled in the corner under the safety of the swing. Sandy looked around and spied the meditation rocks. They would prop the front door open and leave it that way, so Lillie could come and go. Surely, after the fire, Lillie would think the porch a safer home for her new babies.
Sandy sat on the chair next to the front door of the house and waited—Poppy still outside near the door. Slowly the velvet brindle muzzle showed around the corner of the screen door and looked quizzically at Sandy. Then one paw stepped gingerly up on the porch.
“That’s right, Lillie girl. Come on in and check out the new bed. It will be so nice to get your babies out of the dirt. And I’ll leave the door open, so you can come and go. You’ll even have your dog bowls next to the bed. It will be more comfortable for you and your new family.” Sandy’s steady sing-song voice soothed the skittish dog, and she followed the dog food trail toward the bed.
“Poppy, can you reach the babies and bring them to the new bed?” Sandy nodded to the man who helped her.
“Sure, Miss Sandy.” His head disappeared as he squatted beside the car. Sandy could not see him, but he grunted as he struggled underneath. Soon he crawled out with tiny puppies wiggling in his arms.
“Just put them on the bed,” she instructed as he stepped up on the porch. “If Mom doesn’t want them there, she’ll take them back where she had them.”
Lillie made small woofing sounds as she stood up on hind legs to see her babies cradled in Poppy’s arms. Poppy bent down on old crackling knees and gently placed the puppies on the new bedding, Lillie right behind him. The dog crawled under the swing sniffing each pup, then lay down with them, bathing each one.
“Well, let’s see if she keeps them there. Poppy, thank you for your help.” Sandy patted his arm.
“Happy to help,” he replied as he took the dog’s water bowl and dumped it outside in the sand then walked to the faucet, refilled it with cool, fresh water, and placed it back on the porch. “Dogs like fresh water,” he said simply and then walked away.
Sandy knew he would be back. She walked back through the front door to the house to see what else she could do for Billie and to give Lillie and her new family some time alone.
Chapter 29
The familiar scent of lavender threatened to make her vomit. At first, she found it soothing, but now, it made her want to heave.
“Could we turn off the diffuser?” Billie pointed to the machine that sat on the table with steam coming from its top.
“Of course. I didn’t know it bothered you. Most of my clients like it.” Dr. Flint switched off the knob on the side of the diffuser. “It will take a while to dissipate.”
“I used to like it but for some reason, it is making me sick today.” Billie sat on the edge of the couch unable to relax.
“Are you sick of coming here?” The doctor sat down and crossed her legs, then picked up the pad and pen that lay beside her chair.
“No. Well, maybe yes. I don’t mean any disrespect. You’ve done me so much good. I could never have survived without your help. As my mother would say, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to get well, and I want to stay that way.” Without thinking, Billie slid back in the seat and folded her hands.
“That’s a big step. Do you think you are well?” Dr. Flint made notes on the tablet.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be well—or at least the same as I used to be. But I know I am tired of being a victim and tired of people tip-toeing around me like they are afraid I’ll break. I just want to be normal again.” Billie stared off into space
“And what is normal?” the doctor asked.
“I’m not sure. I thought I was normal once, before the accident. I know life will never be the same without my family, but I just want to be happy again and to move on.” Billie folded her legs into a yoga position placing her hands on her knees. This position, once alien, had become comfortable lately.
“The fact that you want to be happy again is a big step. Your family is gone and now your mother, too. You have learned a lot about dealing with loss.” The doctor took off her glasses and looked at Billie.
“I have learned to accept it, I guess. Like you said I’ve learned to accept my imperfections and the loss of my family. My entire family now. All I have left is my dog. But she is a great companion. Well, I also have friends too.”
“Yes, your friend, Sandy, who brought you in to the emergency room, she is a great resource. But I understand she lives in Biloxi and is not around all the time.” The doctor smoothed her pants, then looked up at Billie.
“No, she’s not. But I have other friends on the island. Sandy’s mom, Martha, her Uncle Paul, Sam, the chef at Le Chez where I work, String, the other musician I work with, and now Neil, the man I told you about. They are always around and very protective.”
“When I met you in the emergency room you were attempting suicide, but yet you think you are better now.” The room became deathly quiet and the women looked at each other across the room.
“I didn’t think of it that way. I don’t think I meant to die. I don’t remember a lot of what happened, but I had an image in my mind of a bonfire. I thought of building a bonfire in my mother’s memory—or maybe removing the memories that hurt me when I looked at them. Yes, a bonfire in the house was not a good idea. But I really don’t think I wanted to die.”
“Do you think you made good decisions there? I mean with a bonfire?” The doctor leaned a little closer to Billie.
“No, obviously not. But I had just discovered something about my mother. I don’t know for sure what… I think, I may have a father who is alive. I found a note that said the person who wrote it awaited her answer. It looked like a man’s handwriting. I wondered if it might have been my father. As a child, I asked about my father, but my mother always said the same thing. She said he was a dancer who could not marry her. Now I wonder. If he awaited her answer, maybe he asked her to marry him, and she turned him down. I wish I’d asked more questions, but I didn’t. She made it clear with her tone of voice, the conversation had ended.”
“Are you going to try to find out who your father is? And what will you do with this information if you do find out? After all your mother died an old woman; you need to realize, Billie, even if you find your father, he might not be alive.”
“Yes, I realize that. My mother was fair skinned with blue eyes and light hair when young. I obviously have dark hair, skin and eyes. I could have gotten that from my father. A man attended the funeral who hung around the urn with her ashes a very long time. I wondered who he was. He came with a group of retired dancers from the mainland. I know it is silly, but what if he could be my father? I mean I just had a feeling about him.”
“Well, again, what would you do with the information now if you had it? But if you are really interested, contact those people who were at the funeral and ask them. They had known your mother a long time. However, you n
eed to realize he could not be in your life all those years, and even if you do find him, he still might not want to be a part of your life. But back to the subject of you, now that you are back home, and your mother and Raven are gone, you said all you have left is your dog and some friends. How do you plan to spend your days when you’re not working?”
“First, I am going to clean out the house of my mother’s things. Sandy has promised to help me this time. I think I will make my mother’s bedroom a music room. I want a piano again, now that there is room for one. I want to write my own music, not just sing someone else’s.” Billie looked at the doctor who had treated her all these years.
“You write music too?” The doctor appeared surprised.
“I always have—well I used to, but not since the accident. I would like to get back into it.”
“That’s a wonderful idea. I believe the creation of things is always healing. I think humans were made to create. And to hide that creativity is to hide a good portion of the person. I’m happy to hear you say that. I think it could be a major step forward.”
Chapter 30
Both women stood by the car and watched the water as the ferry made its way from the mainland. Billie had only been gone a few days, but it seemed like years. She breathed deeply the salty air.
“You took care of Lillie?” Billie turned to look at her long-time friend knowing the answer before it came.
“Of course. I even moved her. Well, Poppy and I did. He’s been very attentive to Lillie and the puppies, and he keeps wanting to know what he can do for you.”
“Moved her where?” The wind blew Billie’s long dark hair into her face, and she pushed it aside with her fingers.
“She and the babies are set up on the porch under the swing on a pallet. I used some rags from the utility room as bedding. I’ve washed them every other day to get rid of the puppy smell, but she has stayed. Oh, and Poppy and I raised the swing a little to give her more room; that way no one will try to sit in it. After the puppies are gone, we can move her bed out from under the swing and put it back to its original height.”
“You’ve been working! I can’t believe you got her inside.” The wind once again whipped Billie’s hair—this time the other direction.
“Well, she moved the pups under the car, and I wanted to find a better place for her. I doubted she would go back under the house after the smoke ran her out.”
“I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I almost burned the house down with Carol and Lillie underneath—and me inside.” Billie breathed heavily.
“Well, there’s no going back. It happened. Now we move forward—and no one was hurt.” Sandy held her hand up to shade her eyes and looked toward the island.
“Sandy, I’m so sorry. It scares me so much to think what could have happened. And poor Carol. You know I love your kids like they are my own. I’d never hurt them.” A tear ran down her face and she brushed it away wiping it into her blowing hair.
Sandy put her arm around her friend. “I know that, and so does Carol. What is important now is to get you well. You and the doctor talked, and you told her it wasn’t a suicide attempt, right?”
“Yes, I told her I didn’t want to die. I kept thinking of a bonfire in my mother’s honor. And there were matches and…”
“Well, no more bonfires inside or out. Okay?” Sandy raised one eyebrow then held up her little finger for her friend. They linked fingers, and both said, “pinky swear,” at the same time.
“Sandy, when I went through my mother’s things that day, I found a note in the box where she kept mementos. It looked like a man’s handwriting. It said something about awaiting her decision. She had kept it all these years, and I wondered if the note came from my father. My mom always said he was a dancer who could not marry her. I wondered if the decision concerned me. What if he asked her to marry him? Am I being crazy? Again? I mean, what if he is still alive? Did you see the older people from the ballet who came to the service? One of the men hung around Mom’s urn forever. I would like to find him.”
“Well, I plan to stay here this summer until I have to go back for the job. I cleaned up the mess in your mother’s room and put the unburned paper into the hat box out in the utility room. I didn’t throw away anything except the charred bed clothes. We can look through them again—together this time in case you have another fire starter episode—and then we can ask around. Poppy seems to know everyone. We could start there.” The ferry began heading for port and the women climbed back into Sandy’s car. “And I’ll help you get the rest of your mother’s things out of the house or put away. Oh, by the way, Aunt Patti, Paul’s wife, would like to buy the bedroom suite if you want to sell. She loves to refinish furniture.”
“Actually, I do. I told Dr. Flint I would like to buy a piano and move it into my mother’s old room. I want to renovate her bedroom and make it into a music room. I want to start composing again.”
Sandy glanced at her friend as she pulled off the ferry and turned toward the house. “Billie, that’s wonderful! Uncle Paul said he would sand and refinish the floor. He thinks it can be salvaged.”
Billie smiled and looked toward the ocean. “And paint the walls a calm, Caribbean blue. I love it. I’m ready to get back to the business of living again.”
Chapter 31
The next few days were spent organizing and cleaning out Giselle’s things. Sandy spent most of her days with Billie—unwilling to let her do the job alone. One bonfire was enough, and even though Billie felt okay, Sandy worried. She knew she’d have to go home someday, but not yet.
Paul left the shrimping to the crew and took part of one day sanding the wooden floor and then began the refinishing job. Poppy checked on Lillie and her pups, whose eyes were beginning to open, at least twice a day. Life calmed down to a dull roar.
“Mom!” Jake called as he ran in the front door of Billie’s house. They took the kids swimming in the afternoons, and even Jake glowed with a golden tan. For some reason, the kids didn’t fight like they used to. Sandy thought staying with Grandma on the island away from the everyday stress could be good for a family.
“In the bedroom, Jake.” Sandy called back.
His long frame swung around the corner of the door facing and he stopped.
“Wow.” He surveyed the room with childlike eyes that were quickly turning into a young man’s. He didn’t have his nose in an electronic game and saw the reality before him. “You’ve done a lot of work.”
The room was empty of furniture, even the closet had been cleaned out of all clothing. A few things were stored in the cabinets on the back porch along with the hat box of mementos while Billie prepared her music room. The walls held a fresh coat of paint—a calm Caribbean blue. The closet door stood open, and Billie leafed through sheet music and placed it on the shelves.
“Hey Jakie.” Billie always called him that baby name, and he said he hated it. She wondered now if he enjoyed the extra attention she gave him with his nickname. “Your sister with you?”
“She’s on the porch with Lillie and the puppies. I think she’s finally picked out the one she wants. I don’t know if she’s named her yet or not. Are we going swimming? Grandma made us eat lunch, and we have our suits on and towels packed.” Jake knew the routine.
“Sunscreen?” his mother responded as she stood back and looked at the curtains she just hung.
“Check!” Jake smiled at his Mom.
“Jake you’re getting a tan. I told you that you could tan through a 100 SPF.” Sandy smiled at her son who looked so much like his father, the man who was no longer her husband. It sometimes made it difficult to deal with the son who resembled her ex so much. But he wasn’t entirely his father’s child.
“Every now and then you’re right.” Jake looked at his mom with ice blue eyes and then turned to go. “Are you about finished so we can go to the beach?”
“I think so.” Sandy adjusted the gathers in the curtains one last time.
“
Well, get dressed!” Jake shouted in anticipation.
Sandy lifted her top to show she already had her swimsuit on underneath. She knew the drill.
Out on the porch Carol cradled her new puppy. It wiggled as she stroked its tiny body, and Lillie reached up giving it a motherly lick. “She’s so cute! I can’t wait to take her home.” Carol held the pup up to her face and they bumped noses.
“Well, let her have some lunch while we go to the beach.” Sandy and Jake walked out the front door of the house and onto the porch. Lillie looked relaxed and happy with her little family of four on the pallet under the swing. Carol once again kissed the top of her new puppy’s head and placed her lovingly back with her mom.
The door slammed behind Billie as she emerged from the house with an ice chest, heading for the beach.
“I’m going to try to catch Poppy this afternoon and see if he knows who the dancers were that came to Mom’s funeral. If he knows the name of the man who seemed so upset over Mom’s death, maybe I can find him.” Billie looked at her friend as she munched on the sandwiches packed for them. “Do you think that’s a good idea?” Billie pulled down the straps to her suit and let them hang on her arms. “I’m getting tan lines and they look funny with the dresses I work in.”
“Tan lines don’t show with a flight suit. Anyway, I see nothing wrong with it if you think it’s a good idea. Talk to Poppy. He knows everything. I mean, I knew my father, and I really don’t know what it would be like to grow up without one, but it seems strange to me that you never had any interest in knowing him until now.” Sandy took a drink from her water bottle. Squeals could be heard from the water as the kids splashed in the surf.
“I guess it’s just that since Mom is gone I feel more alone. I have lots of friends and a support group, but no family. I don’t know why I think that’s important, but I do. I just wish I had asked more questions while she lived.” Billie pulled the lettuce that hung from her sandwich and stuffed it in her mouth.
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