Nana:
Ah well, you know that blue cardigan of mine? Well I never liked it on me – well, that.
Barbara:
(TO THE OTHERS) I bought her that.
Jim:
Ey Denise, it’s bloody expensive to ring someone on one of them mobiles, so don’t be expecting us to ring you on that.
Dave:
They’re for emergencies, them. Emergencies only.
Denise:
I know, Dave. Oh God, you’d knock the good out of anything, you.
Barbara:
Hey, David, Denise. It’s Christmas Day! We’re having our snowballs.
Antony:
Ey, you know Emma’s mam and dad?
All:
Umm.
Antony:
They’ve got a widescreen telly.
Jim:
Have they, Lurch?
Antony:
Yeah and it’s got, eh, like panoramic sound. It’s top.
Jim:
Panoramic sound on it and they’re playing all them stupid bloody parlour games. He must have money to burn him.
Barbara:
Widescreen telly. Oh. D’you know, Denise, I’d love to watch your wedding video on a widescreen telly.
Denise:
Yeah.
Nana:
Yeah.
Barbara:
Oh I would, I really, really would.
Denise:
Ah. I’d love widescreen telly – it’d be absolutely brilliant.
Jim:
You’d still see the same old shite on the bloody thing, but wider. What’s the point in one of them?
Nana:
What time is Dibley on? I do like that big funny girl – the one who dresses up as a vicar, you know.
Jim:
Isn’t it Only Fools & Horses on Barb? Where’s the Radio Times?
Nana:
Oh, I must have left it up in the toilet when I was trying earlier.
Jim:
I had a Christmas log there myself, this morning, Dave. (RUBBING HIS HANDS) Oh you can’t wack a good old Christmas log.
Denise:
Dad! It’s Christmas Day.
Jim:
Christmas Day my arse.
PAUSE.
Nana:
What time’s dinner tomorrow, Barbara?
Barbara:
About three o’clock, Mam.
Nana:
I’ll come at twelve o’clock just to be on the safe side.
Barbara:
We’re only going to be doing cold turkey and chips.
Nana:
Lovely. No turkey for me, Barbara.
Barbara:
Oh, I’ve got some sausage rolls there I could heat up. Now does anybody fancy a sausage roll? Jim?
Nana:
No.
Jim:
No.
Barbara:
Ah. Denise, David?
Dave:
No.
Barbara:
Antony, have another Celebration, it is Christmas Day.
Antony:
No y’all right, cheers, Mam.
Nana:
Oh Barbara, I’d love a date. Where are they, Barbara?
BARBARA GETS THEM FROM THE COFFEE TABLE.
Barbara:
Here.
Nana:
‘Eat Me’ dates! (SHE KILLS HERSELF LAUGHING) How do they think them up?
Antony:
I think I’d best get off to Emma’s.
Barbara:
Antony, have you not got any presents to take round for ‘em?
Antony:
No. I gave Emma hers.
Barbara:
Should I wrap some Roses up for you in a little bag? Look, if I take the wrappings out of here, you’d never know they’d been opened.
Antony:
It’s all right, I don’t want to take them anything. It’s all right. See you tomorrow, Nana. (HE KISSES HER) Oh, and cheers for that record token.
Nana:
Oh all right, love.
Denise:
Ey Antony, are you gonna tell Emma tonight that you love her?
ANTONY LOOKS VERY EMBARASSED.
Denise:
You do love her. You love her. You do. You love her. He does love her.
ANTONY IS AT THE LIVING ROOM DOOR, ABOUT TO LEAVE.
Jim:
Ey, Lurchio. (CHARADES STYLE) Film, book, stage play. Four words. First word (HE PATS HIS HEART), second word (HE POINTS TO HIS EYE), third word (HE MAKES A ‘T’ SIGN) and fourth word, sounds like (HE POINTS AT HIS ARSE): No? Love – on – the – dole. Are you having that, Dave?
Antony:
See you later.
Nana:
Bye bye, love.
Denise:
See ya, Antony.
Barbara:
Jim.
Jim:
Well, I’m only giving him a bit of bloody practice for after the nut roast.
ANTONY GOES.
Nana:
Ey Barbara, you know that stuff that Antony bought me from the Body Shop, don’t ya? D’you know what it said on it, ‘Not tested on animals’. What do you think?
Barbara:
Why, what do you mean?
Nana:
Well supposing some were to fall on a dog? I didn’t say anything to Antony – wasn’t his fault.
Barbara:
No.
Denise:
Hey Mam, this is the first time that our Antony’s ever bought us any presents, innit?
Barbara:
Yeah. Ey, she’s good for him, that Emma isn’t she?
Denise:
Ah, he got me the Delia Smith cookery book.
Barbara:
Aah.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell, Dave – you might be getting coriander on the old, eh, Dairylea soon.
Barbara:
Jim.
Jim:
I know, bloody Christmas Day.
Denise:
Ah, I love them gloves what Dad bought you, Mam.
Barbara:
Yeah, well he didn’t actually buy them for me. I bought them and I wrapped them – but he did write the tag.
Denise:
Aaah.
PAUSE.
Nana:
(TAKING DATE STONE OUT OF HER MOUTH) Barbara, what can I do with this stone?
Barbara:
Oh here, Mam, put it in one of these sweetie wrappers.
Nana:
Ta. (NANA GOES TO PUT THE WRAPPER BACK IN THE ROSES JAR)
Barbara:
Oh, don’t put it back in there, Mam!
Jim:
I can’t stop thinking about poor old Elsie on her own all day.
Nana:
Oh Jim, you’re right, I must go to her. (JIM SHOOTS DAVE A LOOK OF TRIUMPH) Will you give me a lift, Dave?
Dave:
Course I will, Nana, yeah.
JIM COUGHS AND GESTURES TO GET NANA TO GO RIGHT AWAY.
Dave:
Y’all right now then, Nana. I’ll take you now.
Nana:
All right then.
DAVE GOES INTO THE HALL.
Barbara:
(GETTING UP TO GO TO THE KITCHEN) I’ve got some nice cold turkey and bit of stuffing for you to take to Elsie.
NANA STANDS UP AND GETS HER THINGS TOGETHER. DAVE (WEARING A CRASH HELMET) COMES BACK IN AND HANDS NANA HER COAT AND A CRASH HELMET.
Nana:
Can I keep this hat, Barbara? I’d like to show it to Elsie, she’d like that, being housebound.
Barbara:
(OOV): D’you want to take her a hat, Mam?
Nana:
Ooh, yes please, love, yeah.
Barbara:
Well do you want to take her a cracker, Mam?
Nana:
No, I don’t think she’d be up to pulling it. She’s very weak you know. I don’t think she could stand the bang. Mind you I think she’d like one of them little
toys. She’s been a bit egg-bound lately, has Elsie. The bang might start the ball rolling.
Dave:
Y’all right, Nana?
Jim:
Egg-bound, housebound, not much hope for poor bloody Elsie is there?
NANA NOW WEARS HER COAT AND A CRASH HELMET. BARBARA HANDS HER A FOIL-COVERED PLATE AND HANDS DAVE AN M&S BAG.
Dave:
Y’all right Nana?
Nana:
Ta, love.
Barbara:
Here y’a, Mam. Now all your presents are in there.
Nana:
Oh thanks. Ey and thanks for getting them all from Marks’s. I can take them back when they have a sale and get twice as much.
Denise:
Bye, Nana. (KISSES HER)
Nana:
Bye bye, love.
Denise:
Thanks for the Boots voucher, Nana.
Nana:
Oh, it’s a pleasure love. See you tomorrow.
Denise:
See ya.
Jim:
Can’t wait. Season’s Greetings, Norma.
Nana:
(AT THE DOOR) Oh Jim, I’ve marked off in the Radio Times what I want you to video for me. All right, love.
Dave:
Won’t be long.
Jim:
You be careful swerving round them corners with Nana on the back, David – we don’t want her falling off, do we.
BARBARA COMES BACK IN FROM THE HALL.
Barbara:
In’t Christmas Day a long day?
Denise:
Yeah.
Barbara:
I know it’s the same as any other day – but oh, it does seem like a long day.
Denise:
Yeah it does. Ey Mam, can you imagine me nana and Elsie in their hats?
Barbara:
Aah.
Denise:
They’ll be asleep by seven.
Barbara:
Aah. In’t it lovely though when you get to that age, when all you have to think about is nodding off with somebody there.
Jim:
Bugger off. She’s only gone round there to save on her own gas bill.
Denise:
Oh, guess what, I’ve got to go to the toilet.
DENISE LEAVES THE ROOM.
Jim:
(OF DENISE) Bloody ‘ell, it’s Vanessa. Well I am as full as a bull’s bum.
Barbara:
Jim.
Jim:
And tell you what Barb, don’t bother heating up them sausage rolls – I’ll just have a couple of light boiled eggs for my tea after all that rich food. Just do us a few soldiers. Cut the crusts off, will ya.
Barbara:
Right. Oh Jim, I’ve got all that horrible washing-up to do.
Jim:
Well, it won’t do itself Barb. Tell Denise to bring the bloody Radio Times down, will ya.
BARBARA GOES TO THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS.
Barbara:
Denise.
Denise:
(OOV): Mam! Will you come up!
IN THE LIVING ROOM JIM TRUMPS AND WAFTS IT AWAY, DISGUSTED BY THE SMELL.
BARBARA GOES INTO THE BATHROOM WHERE DENISE IS CRYING. WE ONLY SEE HER HEAD AND SHOULDERS, BUT SHE’S OBVIOUSLY SITTING ON THE TOILET.
Denise:
Oh Mam, a load of water’s came out. I think my waters have broken – and Dave’s not even here.
Barbara:
Oh Denise! Oh my God, Denise! Oh Denise. Oh love. Wait there – I’ll go and ring Dave on the mobile.
Denise:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’ve got the mobile.
Barbara:
Oh God, Denise. Well I’ll go and ring the hospital and I’ll send your dad up. Jim!
Denise:
Yeah, yeah.
Barbara:
Jim!
Denise:
Mam, don’t leave me.
Barbara:
Jim!
BARBARA RUNS DOWNSTAIRS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
Barbara:
Jim, get upstairs, our Denise’s waters have broken.
Jim:
What’s broken, Barb?
Barbara:
Her waters. Get upstairs and calm her down. She’s all upset ‘cause Dave’s not here. Here, take her this, this birthing tape, go on, the tape’s already in there. Come on now. (BARBARA HANDS JIM TAPE MACHINE AND TAPE)
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell Barb, what is it, the bloody Dambusters and Dave would have been here only for your bloody mother.
AS JIM GOES UP THE STAIRS HE HUMS THE THEME TO THE DAMBUSTERS.
Jim:
Denise it’s your dad, love.
Denise:
Come in, Dad. Come in.
Jim:
It’s not too messy is it?
Denise:
No. Come in.
HE GOES IN. DENISE IS SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BATH, DOUBLED OVER. JIM PUTS THE TOILET SEAT DOWN AND SITS ON IT, COMFORTING HIS SOBBING DAUGHTER.
Jim:
You’re all right. What’s the matter?
Denise:
I don’t know, I can’t even remember what I’m supposed to be doing out of me baby book. I’m supposed to be doing me breathing, but I can’t even remember how to breathe.
Jim:
Come on, you’ll be all right. Here y’are, let’s play your tape, eh? (CHARLOTTE CHURCH’S ‘PIE JESU’ PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND) Denise.
Denise:
Yeah.
Jim:
Are you definitely sure it wasn’t just a great big piss, love.
Denise:
No, I know it wasn’t.
SILENCE AS ‘PIE JESU’ PLAYS.
Denise:
I don’t know what I’m gonna do and Dave’s gonna miss it and he’s supposed to be helping me with me breathing and he’s supposed to be counting them things – he’s supposed to be counting ‘em, them…things what I’m having. (REALLY SOBBING) Dad, I’m so scared and I don’t even think I want the baby anymore. And I don’t think Dave wants it either – he didn’t even want to feel it kicking before and I bet ya he’ll leave it all to me and I don’t even know anything about babies.
Jim:
You’ll be all right – there’s nothing to it.
Denise:
What if the baby doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like the baby?
Jim:
Of course you’ll like it – you’ll love it. I remember the first time when your mam, when your mam put you in my arms and I looked at you, oh God you were beautiful and I knew, I knew then, I’d do anything for you, anything for you and our Antony.
Denise:
What if I’m not a good mum like me mam?
Jim:
You will be a wonderful mother.
Denise:
Dad, if Dave don’t come back, will you come with me to the hospital?
Jim:
Of course I will, I’ll be right there outside. But your mam will be inside with you.
Denise:
You promise you will, Dad? You will stay with me?
Jim:
Of course I’ll stay with you, I’ll always be there for you. Always. Ey Denise, I’m gonna be a grandad.
BARBARA COMES IN.
Barbara:
I’ve rang the hospital and they’ve told me to tell you to come in, so I’ve rang a taxi and it’s on its way.
Jim:
Bloody ‘ell, Barb, it’s double fare Christmas Day.
Barbara:
Oh Jim! Come on now, lady, let’s get you downstairs.
Jim:
Come on, babe, let’s go.
JIM AND BARBARA HELP DENISE DOWN.
Barbara:
Here we go. Let me go first, love. Oh now, don’t slip on this carpet, no shoes on your little feet. Are you all right?
Denise:
Yeah.
Barbara:
Are your hurting?
Denise:
Yeah.
&nbs
p; Barbara:
It’ll be over soon.
DENISE CRIES OUT IN PAIN.
Barbara:
Sit down, love. Breathe, Denise. Breathe. Breathe. Good girl.
THE DOORBELL GOES.
Barbara:
(GOING TO THE DOOR) Oh, let that be Dave, please let that be Dave. Oh Dave!
Dave:
What’s going on?
Barbara:
It’s all right, her waters have broken.
BARBARA AND DAVE STAND AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS.
Denise:
Trust you not to be here when my waters broke. You’re a right useless lump of shite.
Dave:
I was taking your nana home.
Barbara:
It’s all right Dave. Ooh Denise, Denise, you might give birth on Christmas Day!
Jim:
Jesus.
A TAXI BEEPS ITS HORN.
Barbara:
Oh, oh, Jim, taxi. Oh, my ciggies.
BARBARA GOES INTO THE LIVING ROOM. DAVE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO SHOUT TO THE DRIVER.
Dave:
Hang on a minute, pal.
Jim:
Right. I’ll just put my shoes on.
JIM FOLLOWS BARBARA INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
DAVE (STILL WEARING CRASH HELMET) SITS NEXT TO DENISE ON THE STAIRS.
Denise:
I can’t believe it, Dave, it’s not due for three weeks. I hope it’s gonna be all right.
Dave:
It will. I love you, Denise.
DAVE GOES TO GIVE HER A HUG.
Denise:
Oh Dave, your helmet you clown! (SHE HAS ANOTHER CONTRACTION) Mam! We need to go now. (DAVE GETS UP AND GOES) Dave, wait for me!
CUT TO LIVING ROOM.
Jim:
(SWITCHING OFF ALL THE LIGHTS EXCEPT FOR THE CHRISTMAS TREE) We’re switching these off, I’m not made of money.
Barbara:
Oh Jim. Come on, your daughter’s in agony. Get your coat on.
THE CAMERA STAYS IN THE LIVING ROOM AS JIM AND BARBARA GO OUT, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND THEM. WE SEE DAVE, DENISE, JIM AND BARBARA FILE PAST THE LIVING ROOM DOOR IN SILHOUETTE (BARBARA AND JIM STILL WEARING THEIR CHRISTMAS HATS).
END OF EPISODE 7.
Insert
‘That’s just there for effect, innit’
Time for a ciggy
Joe
Mary
Dad
Dave and Denise
Nana
Antony
‘Look at you in that manky vest, you’re hardly Bruce Willis in Die Hard’
‘Jim! We’re trying to eat our dinners here’
‘We’re pregnant’
‘Denise, there was a woman from Droylsden on Richard and Judy – having a makeover’
Eating for two
Antony gets a girlfriend
Caught in the middle
The Royle Family: The Scripts: Series 2 Page 11