by Chris Fabry
The emotion became overwhelming, and he tried to shake it away but couldn’t. He wondered if there might be somebody praying right at that very moment—maybe Elizabeth or Danielle, maybe Miss Clara. They were praying, God, do something in Tony’s heart, because he could feel it, all the way to his toes. And instead of running his car into a phone pole or finding a gun to end his life, he decided he would surrender in a different way.
He knelt slowly on the floor of Danielle’s room and bowed his head. It was the familiar posture of some holy person relating to God, but Tony knew he wasn’t holy. It took a moment to form the words, but then they came through his tears.
“Jesus, I’m not a good man. I’m selfish. I’m prideful. And I’m hurting this family. But this is not who I wanted to be. I don’t like the man I’ve become. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do.”
The words were heavy. It took every ounce of strength in him to get them out, to push them forward from his lips. Finally he couldn’t push anymore. He said the only words he could raise from the well.
“Forgive me, please.” He leaned over, his head on the floor now. “Forgive me, Jesus.”
It was a prayer of surrender. A prayer of a helpless heart. And he wasn’t doing this for Elizabeth or Danielle. He wasn’t doing this so he could get his job back, because he knew that wasn’t going to happen. His surrender wasn’t because he thought he could make God do what he wanted. That idea was gone. He prayed because he knew it was his last resort and that it was the first thing he should have done, long ago.
With his head on the carpet of Danielle’s room, Tony wept. He wept for all he’d done to distance himself from the people who loved him. He wept for the wasted years. Each tear was a plea for help and a desire for surrender. And when he stood, it felt like that thousand-pound barbell pushing down on his soul had been lifted. God had been spotting him all along. And for the first time in what seemed like forever, the weight had been replaced with something that felt like hope.
CHAPTER 13
Elizabeth had been encouraged by her visit with Clara. Every conversation brought out some new facet of a lesson learned and gave her hope that things could change. She just had to stay the course. Keep moving forward, holding God’s hand, and trusting Him.
She was in her car, ready to drive away, when she felt the need to pray again for Tony. There was no lightning, no fish symbol in the clouds above her, no voice that whispered some mysterious message. It was just a feeling that she needed to stop and pray.
“Lord, I don’t know if Tony is in trouble or if he’s upset about his job or if he’s just working out at the gym. But I pray that You would draw him closer. Help him see there’s no sin so great that You aren’t ready to forgive. I pray You would give him hope. I pray You would allow him to see how much You love him and want him to come back to You. And give me the ability to love him well, through whatever we face.”
She sat there pouring out her heart to God. It was funny—not long ago she would have seen prayer as wasted time. Now she looked at it as the most important thing she did.
After a few minutes she felt a peace about going ahead with her day, but she kept praying as she turned on a song about the goodness of God.
She stopped at the office and met with Mandy. She didn’t tell her everything about the situation, but enough that the woman came over and gave her a hug.
“I’m so sorry about Tony’s job,” Mandy said. “Let me see if I can find you a few more properties in the interim.”
Tony walked into the community center and stopped at the front desk. It wasn’t the younger girl this time, but a woman he recognized as a friend of Elizabeth’s. What was her name?
“I’m back for Danielle,” he said.
The woman smiled. “They’re not quite finished yet, Tony. But you can watch them from right over there. The team’s getting pretty good.”
Tony smiled. “I’m sorry, I can’t remember your name.”
“It’s Tina,” she said.
“Thank you, Tina.”
He pulled out a scrap of paper and wrote her name on it as he walked into the noisy gym. There were teams scattered around the hardwood working on their routines. He spotted Danielle and for the first time saw them practicing. Her coach was calling out instructions, and Danielle and Jennifer were in perfect sync. He’d been upset that she had quit basketball, but seeing her jumping rope with that smile brought him joy. Her footwork was impressive, and when Danielle cartwheeled into the ropes, he couldn’t believe it. Even when they missed and the ropes stopped, Danielle smiled from ear to ear and her coach clapped and praised them and then gave a few pointers.
Tony hugged her tightly when she was finished and they walked toward the car, passing the front desk.
Tina, he said to himself. Tina.
In the car, they pulled out of the parking lot and he instinctively wanted to fill the silence with the radio. But he didn’t turn it on. He could tell there was something more important. Tony looked in the rearview mirror at his daughter. “Hey, you know what?”
Danielle’s face was expressionless.
“I thought your jump rope routine was going to be something simple. But it wasn’t. It was pretty difficult. You were really good, Danielle. I was impressed.”
The more words he said, the more she reacted. First in her eyes. Then her mouth. Then her whole face lit up. Just a few words was all it took to open her heart up like a flower.
“Thanks,” she said quickly, as if obeying some inner script, and a smile spread across her face. She looked at him, then back down, still smiling.
“When did you learn to do a cartwheel like that?” he said.
She told him about Coach Trish, how she helped them perfect the things they’d done in the gym to make their routine more complicated, a higher risk, just like a gymnastics routine. He got lost in the conversation, in her explanation of how she and Jennifer had practiced for hours together and how much fun they’d had. He was so absorbed that he didn’t see the car in front of his house or Elizabeth standing in the driveway until he pulled in. Rick was talking with Elizabeth and he had his clipboard out and Tony remembered what had happened at the office the day before.
“Daddy, why are they here?”
“They’ve come to get this car, Danielle.”
“Why do they need your car?”
“It’s kind of a long story.”
“Is that all they’re taking?” she said, a tremble in her voice.
“Now you don’t have to worry about that, sweetie,” Tony said. “We’re going to be all right, okay? Look at me. You listen to me. Everything is going to be all right. Do you believe me?”
There was a question in her voice and in her eyes. But she said dutifully, “Yes, sir.”
She got out and walked slowly toward her mother. Tony followed. The whole scene was humiliating, but he was ready.
“Rick,” Tony said.
“Tony,” Rick said, his face showing real regret. “I’m sorry about this.”
He looked the man in the eyes and for the first time saw the hurt there. It was killing him to do this to Tony and his family. He didn’t want to fire Tony, but he’d been forced to act. Tony saw how his actions had not only affected his family but those he worked with.
“It’s not your fault,” Tony said with conviction.
Rick held out a pad with a printed sheet on top. “I need you to sign that we came for the car. And clean out any items that belong to you.”
Tony nodded and signed. “I already did.”
Rick took the paperwork and paused. “You’re a talented guy, Tony. I’m sorry to see this happen.” He took the keys from Tony. “You take care.”
Elizabeth politely nodded as Rick got in Tony’s car and drove away, followed by the other man from Brightwell Tony didn’t know. Danielle stayed close to them as they watched the cars drive away.
“Why are they taking Daddy’s car?” she said.
“We’ll talk
about it later, baby, okay?” Elizabeth said. “Why don’t you go inside and knock out some chores before lunch, all right?”
“Okay.”
Danielle walked inside, leaving Tony and Elizabeth alone on the driveway. He wanted to tell her everything that had happened. He wanted to look her in the eye and apologize. Instead, he smiled sadly and held out a hand.
She took it and squeezed. “You okay?”
He nodded before he walked into the house.
Elizabeth found Danielle in her bedroom making her bed. “How did practice go?”
“Fine,” Danielle said.
Elizabeth sat on Danielle’s chair and Danielle seemed to instinctively know to stop and listen.
“Honey, I can’t explain everything right now, but I want you to know we’re going to be fine, okay?”
The look in her eyes was one of fear. “That’s what Daddy said.”
“He did?”
She nodded. “He said everything is going to be all right and to believe him. But I don’t know what is next after they take his car.”
Elizabeth hugged her and kissed her forehead. Part of loving a child was not telling her everything. Danielle didn’t need to live under the weight of a job loss. Elizabeth had assumed this was a layoff or downsizing, but Rick’s words and Tony’s admission that it wasn’t Rick’s fault confirmed something else had happened.
“You just keep writing down what you’re feeling in your journal, okay? And you and I will keep talking about this.”
Danielle nodded. Elizabeth left the room and went downstairs to find Tony sitting in the corner chair in their bedroom, leaning over with his elbows on his knees. She wanted to encourage him and let him know she was all-in, fully on his team.
“I picked up a few more houses to sell this morning. I’ve asked Mandy to give me everything she can for the next couple months.”
“That’s good, Liz,” Tony said, looking up at her. Then he paused. “Can we talk?”
“Sure,” she said. She sat across from him on the edge of the bed and it felt like something was happening in the room. All the prayer, all the pleading with God . . . Was Tony about to tell her he was leaving? Was he choosing some other woman from Raleigh or Atlanta? Elizabeth quieted her heart and took a deep breath. She just needed to listen. Not react too strongly.
Please, God, she prayed. Help me to hear him and let him just say what he needs to say. Help me not be afraid.
“I just don’t understand why you’re treating me this way,” Tony said.
Because I love you, she wanted to say. Because I care. But she didn’t say it. She didn’t say anything, hoping to draw him out, let him speak.
“When I told you what happened with my job, I expected you to hit the ceiling, Liz,” Tony continued. “So in my mind, I was ready to defend myself. Except this time I can’t.”
Elizabeth listened to his words, but more than that, she listened to his heart—the intangible things between the sentences. When she saw the emotion welling up in his eyes, it was all she could do to hold it together.
Tony looked out the window, then around at the room. Then he hung his head. “I hate saying this, but I deserved to get fired. I was deceiving them. And I was deceiving you. I almost cheated on you, Liz. I thought about it. I almost did it. But you know all this. And you’re still here.”
Her eyes stung. It was like watching her personal Jericho, the walls falling down right there in their bedroom.
“I see your closet,” he said. “I see the way you’re praying for me. Why would you do that when you see the type of man I’ve become?”
Her lip quivered as she watched the tears stream down his face. He was broken. He was at the end of himself. And it was a beautiful sight.
“Because I’m not done with us,” she said, the strength of her voice surprising her. It was like she was speaking to Tony and anyone else who might be listening. “I will fight for our marriage. But I’ve learned that my contentment can’t come from you. Tony, I love you. But I am His before I’m yours. And because I love Jesus, I’m staying right here.”
The dam broke and Tony fell to his knees, weeping. He bent over, his body racked with sobs. “I’m sorry, Liz. I asked God to forgive me. But I need you to forgive me. I don’t want you to quit on me.”
His emotion became hers and the two of them wept. “I forgive you,” she said. “I forgive you.”
Tony put his head on her knees. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Elizabeth closed her eyes. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. She put a hand to her chest and shook her head in amazement. “Thank You, Lord,” she whispered.
Tony kissed her hand and they held each other there, crying, rejoicing, wrapped in love—and not just their own. Elizabeth glanced at the door when she saw movement outside. It was Danielle, listening. It looked like perhaps she was crying too. Before Elizabeth could invite her in, she was gone, back to her room, probably. Back to put a check mark beside her own answer to prayer in her closet.
Miss Clara
Clara saw the caller ID and picked up quickly. Any news from Elizabeth was like communication from the front lines of an extended battle. As soon as she heard Elizabeth’s voice, she knew it was good news. Her tone was somewhere between gratitude and amazement.
“Tony just told me he’s gotten right with the Lord,” Elizabeth said. “He asked me to forgive him.”
“This happened just now?”
“A little bit ago,” Elizabeth said. “And he said he wants to start over.”
“He did? Oh, sweet Lord!” Clara was about to jump out of her skin—not surprised at what God had done, but at how quickly Tony’s heart had turned. “I told you, Elizabeth. I told you God would fight for you.”
“He has, Miss Clara. He has fought for me and for our marriage and for my little girl.”
Clara held it together until she hung up the phone, and then she did her happy dance—if you could call it that. It was something that happened on the inside, even when her outside didn’t have the strength to follow. Then she threw back her head and let Satan know he’d lost a battle.
“Ha-haaaa! Devil, you just got your butt kicked!” she screamed. “My God is faithful! He’s powerful! He’s merciful! He’s in charge! You can’t fire Him, and He’ll never retire! Glory! Praise the Lord!”
Clara imagined angels doing the same thing somewhere in heaven. Then she headed upstairs to her war room to put another check on the wall of answered prayer. She did it as an act of worship and thanksgiving. She did it to make the devil mad that he had lost another fight he thought he was going to win.
The whole thing made her want to pray bigger prayers. She believed anew that God was in the big-prayer-answering business.
CHAPTER 14
Tony knew it wasn’t going to be easy, moving forward and putting his life back together, but he felt like he had hit bottom and there was nowhere to go from here but up. He’d gone through the valley and now there was just the slow climb out to where he could get a vision for his life again. Things would get better, a day at a time.
The next morning he saw Danielle sitting at the bottom of the front stairs putting on her sneakers. She had noticed the change in him. Her face looked less pained since he’d become real with God and confessed to Elizabeth. Funny how a ten-year-old could have her life changed by a father’s prayer.
He knew he needed to talk with her, to move toward his daughter, but he wasn’t sure how. He didn’t want to make the mistake of revealing too much—that wouldn’t be fair to her. But he also couldn’t second-guess himself the rest of his life. He wasn’t going to get all of this right. Something inside told him to simply chance it—get in the game and see what happened. He greeted her and sat beside her.
“Hey, Daddy,” Danielle said.
“Listen, I need to tell you something.”
Danielle looked at him. Such innocence. She had her whole life in front of her and he had another chance to be involved, to help her. The
best thing he could give her was his heart, what was going on inside. These were things he usually couldn’t say because he didn’t know he felt them half the time. But God had done something, had shown him a path to life, so he kept talking.
“I don’t think I’ve been a very good dad to you. And I haven’t been very loving to your mother either. I can do better, Danielle. You both deserve better from me.”
A good start. He hadn’t gone into detail, but if she wanted him to, he would. He just laid things out there clearly and in a way she could understand.
“But you know what? I’ve asked God to help me. And I wanted to ask you if you would forgive me and give me another chance. Think you can do that?”
In a way, this was the same thing he had done with God. At first he imagined God at the portals of heaven, His arms crossed, scowling at him. Tapping His foot, waiting for Tony to get to the point. He knew this wasn’t how God really was, that God wouldn’t react the way he would. If he could have pictured God with the face his daughter showed him, he might have returned sooner.
For a few seconds, she stared at him. Then the smile came and Danielle nodded, and just that look melted his heart. It said, “I accept you and love you and always will.”
Just like that. Forgiveness with a smile and no questions. Love looked a lot like that, he thought. If he could love like that, if he could respond like his daughter, the rest of his life would go a lot better.