by Chris Fabry
“I’m pretty tired,” she said. “I think I need to go to bed.”
He put out a hand and helped her up. “Thank you for listening. For hearing me out. I appreciate it.”
She nodded and tried to smile.
“I’ll let you know what the pastor says. I’ll call tomorrow—or maybe send an e-mail tonight, okay?”
“Okay.”
Later, Elizabeth lay in bed trying to push down the image of Tony in the restaurant. She pictured Veronica as some voluptuous vixen with a low-cut dress and come-hither eyes, batting at him. Probably thin and leggy. How could she compete with that? But he had said he wasn’t interested in Veronica. Elizabeth didn’t have to compete. He was interested in her again. He was doing the hard work of rebuilding and wanted to meet her in the middle, but here in the middle was the struggle. Like two parties negotiating the sale of a house and finding problems with the roof or an air conditioner that leaked, she was having a hard time negotiating with her own heart.
It all came down to trust. In the end she had the choice to trust or not trust Tony. It was a decision totally in her power. And ultimately that trust was a reflection of what she believed about God. This was something Clara had told her early on.
“This problem with Tony is more about you than it is about him,” Clara had said.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean that God is taking you somewhere you may not want to go.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to go?”
“Because it’s hard. And messy. You will find out things about yourself that you don’t want to discover. You will find out things about your own heart that you don’t want to change. You see, everybody wants to make the problems in their life the fault of somebody else. We need a scapegoat. It’s easier that way because you get rid of the goat, you get rid of the problems. Or you turn the goat into a handsome prince and your life is different. Nobody wants to look at the goat in the mirror.”
“So you’re saying my problem is not Tony? It’s me?”
“I’m saying God is using Tony to help you dig deeper. If you let God take you to this place and you are fully there with Him and willing to change whatever He wants you to change, there’s going to be new life.”
“I’m confused,” Elizabeth said.
“I don’t doubt it,” Clara said. “You can influence Tony. You can pray for him and ask God to work in his heart. You can love him with the kind of love only God can give you. But you can’t make decisions for him. You can’t change him. You can only allow God to change you. You can change the way you think about him and yourself and God. You can believe the truth about the power of God and join Him in what He wants to do.
“Really, what I’m talking about here is the difference between you working hard to change things and revival. I hear people talking a lot about revival and what they want God to do to change society and the culture and how much sin there is in Hollywood and everywhere else. I pray for revival. But I’ve lived long enough to know that it doesn’t start with anybody but me. Right here.” Clara pointed a bony finger toward her own heart.
“If you find yourself getting anxious, nervous, questioning whether Tony can change, you’re not really questioning him, you’re questioning whether God has the power to do what He said He could do.”
Elizabeth rose from the bed quietly, Clara’s voice ringing in her memory. Tony’s breathing was heavy. He could always fall asleep so fast and she envied that. She went to her closet, closed the door, turned on the little light, and stared at her handwriting on the walls.
“Oh, God, I want to trust You,” she prayed. “I want to believe in You and Your power and not try to make all this happen myself. Would You give me the faith to really believe? Would You give me a love for Tony I don’t have?”
And then it hit her. The doubt she had about Tony, the questions about Veronica were important. She had to deal with those. But what scared her the most was the doubt she had about herself. She wasn’t sure she could accept Tony and forgive him. She wasn’t sure she could fully love him—because that meant she was exposed, her heart unprotected. She wanted to hold back some little part of herself, but love meant becoming fully open, fully vulnerable to someone else.
There was a quote she had seen, something that Clara had written down . . . No, it was in one of her Bible study books. She was sure of it now, and she knew which shelf the book was on. Tony was asleep and she didn’t want to wake him, but she didn’t want to wait to read the quote.
She turned out the light and crept into the bedroom, letting her eyes adjust to the dim light. She got down on all fours and crawled to the bookshelf, pulled four of the studies out, and retreated to the closet. Finally she found the quote she was searching for, from C. S. Lewis’s book The Four Loves.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
That sent Elizabeth to 1 Corinthians 13. She went through the chapter picking out the words that stood out to her and asking God to make her patient and kind. She didn’t want to keep a record of wrongs, but it was so hard. Patience was sitting vulnerably in God’s waiting room. Kindness was how you lived out to others the way God loved you. She read through the whole passage praying individual verses, and the words came alive. She intuitively knew that this kind of love was not something she could do on her own. It came only with strength God provided, so she prayed God would empower her with that kind of love and understanding for Tony.
She was in her closet until it was almost light, talking with God and praying. Crying. It was one thing to pray and have God answer that prayer by making her husband sick to his stomach. That was miraculous. It was one thing to pray God would break her husband’s pride and bring him back to his family. That, too, was a miracle. But it was a huge leap to believe God had the power to restore and rekindle her own heart. It was an even bigger leap over the canyon of her despair to believe God could take away her pain about being rejected.
CHAPTER 15
Elizabeth couldn’t figure out how Miss Clara’s son had convinced her to move before there was even an offer on the house. But she jumped at the chance to help, once the decision was made, and enlisted Danielle and Tony for the project. It was the first time Clara had met Tony and she smiled and gave him a big hug when he arrived, patting him on the shoulder.
“That man has enough muscles to move this whole house,” she said to Elizabeth when he went inside. “I wish my son could be here to help, but he’s out of town.”
“I’m looking forward to meeting Clyde. I’ve heard so much about him.”
“How are you and Tony doing?”
Elizabeth smiled. “We’re moving toward each other. But there are still a lot of boxes to unpack.”
“And that pastor at the church, he’s helping you?”
“It was the best idea Tony ever had. We’ve only seen him once, but he’s good. He’s gotten to the core of some of our issues.”
“And it was Tony’s idea—that’s the important thing,” the woman said. “You don’t know how rare that is.”
Elizabeth followed Clara around the house, writing labels for each of the boxes. Her items were divided into three sections. The first was the smallest, furniture and boxes that would go in the new apartment at her son’s house. The other slightly larger section was for storage. And the final, bigger lot that filled the living room was made up of things Clara wanted to give away. Elizabeth had suggested having a garage sale, but Clara wouldn’t hear of it.
“God has not blessed me with all these things in order to sell them for pennies on the dollar.
I’ve prayed for my things to get into the right hands and I believe He’s going to make that happen.”
The giveaway stuff was handed out to neighbors and people from church. Some items had sticky notes with names on them, set aside for specific people in Clara’s life. Wall art, a coffee table, and bookshelves to a young couple just starting out. Many of her books were donated to the church library. By the time the moving truck arrived, Elizabeth couldn’t believe how organized and pared down things had become.
She loved seeing Tony and Danielle involved in the project. They took it on with equal gusto, though Tony did have everyone stop for a few minutes to show Danielle’s moves with the jump rope.
“That girl has real talent,” Clara said.
Elizabeth walked over to her as she wrote a few more box labels. “I’m going to miss coming over here to see you.”
“Well, you can come see me at my son’s house. He’s just four blocks away.”
Tony had opened a window to get some furniture through and Clara watched him.
“And Tony’s going to be all right. You just keep praying for him.”
“Every day,” Elizabeth said.
“Now, when is my house going to sell? I don’t want just anybody to buy it. It’s got to be the right people.”
“I’m praying for the right people, Miss Clara. Every day.”
Tony walked out of the moving truck and headed back into the house. He pulled out his cell phone like he’d gotten a call or a text. He stared at it a moment, then punched the screen. Elizabeth wondered which call he’d rejected.
They drove to Clara’s new home and helped unload things into the apartment prepared for her. Tony and Michael, his paramedic friend, moved the couch three times until they got it just right.
“Now don’t go putting anything in the closet in my room,” Clara said.
Clara’s daughter-in-law took her aside. “Mama, Clyde made you a nice sitting area over by the window where you can look out at the neighborhood and pray.”
“I love that,” Clara said. “And I’ll watch the sun come up and read my Bible there, but I need my closet for the heavy praying I do every day.”
Her daughter-in-law smiled. “I told Clyde it’s enough that we finally got you here.”
A teenage girl walked out of the house, her head down as if she didn’t want to meet any of the company helping her grandmother.
Clara saw her and called her over. “Hallie, I want you to meet a friend of mine. She’s helping me sell my house.”
Elizabeth greeted the girl and shook her hand. She looked a little too thin and her face was pale.
“Nice to meet you,” Hallie said, not looking up.
“It’s going to be nice having your grandmother even closer than before, isn’t it?” Elizabeth said.
“I guess so.”
With that, the girl left, and Clara put a hand on Elizabeth’s shoulder and lowered her voice. “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to add Hallie’s name to your prayer list. The Lord has some work to do in that young lady’s life. And I want to be here when He does it.”
Elizabeth promised she would pray for her and entered a note on her cell phone. She made a mental note to ask Tony who had called his phone, then decided she would let it go. That was part of building trust, she thought.
Tony’s mind was always whirring with ideas about a small business he could start or companies where he might work. Networking was the key to any job search, and he had asked some of the men from church about employment possibilities. No one knew of anything currently, but they all said they would keep Tony in mind.
Michael suggested he become a professional brooder. “You know, that statue of the guy who sits and thinks all the time? You look a lot like him.”
“I haven’t found anybody who would pay me to do that,” Tony said.
Tony knew Michael cared and he wanted to open up about what had happened, but it was painful. If he could keep it inside and get a new job, everything would be all right. He could put the past where it belonged and move ahead.
With the workout he got moving Clara’s things, he figured he could start an exercise club in a truck. People would pay him to tone their abs by moving furniture. The families who were moving would pay him for the service and everybody would win. He’d call it “Ab-Haul” or something like that. The thought made him smile, but he had to come up with more than a good idea.
There was someplace he would fit, where he could use his sales abilities, his people skills, and his love for athletics and training. When he got to the gym, when he played ball or ran, he felt alive. If he could wed his passion on the court and in the weight room with life, he could make a difference. He’d always seen his best skill as managing people—getting people on the same team and moving in the right direction.
Too bad you didn’t try that with your own family.
That was the voice in his head, the accusing, deriding voice that chopped him down at every turn. As he was moving Clara’s things, he’d received a call from Veronica. It stopped him in his tracks, but he quickly rejected the call. He’d made that decision—if she called, he wouldn’t answer. Then he took the next step and deleted her contact information. He wanted to show Elizabeth what he had done, then decided against it. He didn’t want to be the puppy that needed a pat on the head every time he didn’t pee on the rug. This was part of the new Tony, the strong, decisive man God was rebuilding, but he had to admit the accusing voice sometimes got to him.
Jennifer and Danielle were jumping rope in the driveway and he watched them, wanting to enter into the fray. But the accusing voice said, You were never there for her when she started jumping rope. Why would you want to start now? You’ve ignored her. She’s not going to forgive you and let you back in. Stop trying.
Tony sat on the step, amazed at how well the girls jumped. Danielle looked over. “Dad, why don’t you try? We’ll get both ropes going.”
His first reaction was to reject the idea. Jumping rope was for girls. But for some reason he stood and said, “Sure.”
When he reached for the rope to turn it for one of them, Danielle said, “No, I mean, you go in the middle. See if you can do it.”
“See if I can do it?” Tony said. “There’s no seeing about it. When I jump in there, your arms will fall off before I miss.”
“Let’s see you, Mr. Jordan,” Jennifer said with a smile.
“Yeah!” Danielle yelled, and they started turning the ropes.
He tried jumping in three times before he actually made it without stopping the ropes, and that time he only jumped twice. Danielle laughed and said her arms weren’t falling off yet. Tony was determined. In his life, whatever he decided to do, he did it. And he was successful at what he put his mind to. Pretty soon, he was running in place, the ropes swirling around him, whistling in the wind. He made a turn and the girls giggled. As he got into rhythm, Danielle’s eyes widened and her mouth got stuck in a grin she couldn’t stop. She shook her head at Jennifer as if this were the proudest moment of her life.
Tony was fully there in the middle of those two ropes. Instead of feeling on the outside of his daughter’s life, he was smack inside it, and with each jump he thanked God for the chance to change, the chance to be part of his family, the chance to love and be loved and make mistakes.
“Daddy, why don’t you jump with us?” Danielle said when he missed again. He realized she meant for him to be on the team, in competition.
“Yeah, that would be awesome!” Jennifer said.
“No, no, no. They don’t let parents do that.”
“Yeah, they do,” Jennifer said. “But no parents do ’cause they can’t keep up.”
“Dad, it’s an open league. You can jump in the freestyle competition. They’ll let you!”
Tony stared at her, a sweat breaking out. “Tell you what. Let me think about it.”
Jennifer and Danielle both jumped for joy and he tried to calm them. “Now if I’m going to do it, I want to do
it right. So let’s try it again. Get it going!”
The pattern began again, the ropes cutting through the wind and whipping around Tony, his feet moving quickly, his muscles engaged, and the sweat rolling.
You’ll make a fool of yourself, the voice said. Don’t even think about joining that team.
Tony smiled and jumped and kept on jumping until Danielle complained that her arms felt like they were going to fall off.
Elizabeth awakened to find Tony gone from their bed. She put on her robe and walked through the living room, searching for any trace of him, calling out in the empty house. Danielle was still asleep up in her room.
He wasn’t in the kitchen and the front door was still locked, so he hadn’t gone for a run. She finally checked the garage and found him there. It was weird not seeing his Tahoe in the garage. He sat in a lawn chair in front of a folding table, staring at a storage box on top like it held some hidden treasure—or maybe a nuclear device that would destroy the planet, she couldn’t tell which.
“Tony, what are you doing?” she said.
“I’m struggling.”
She came down the steps and closed the door behind her. “With what?”
Tony lifted the cover of the box, revealing drug samples with the Brightwell logo on them. He kept staring straight ahead, unable to look up at her.
“What is this?” she said.
“It was my bonus plan.”
She studied one of the bottles, the questions forming. “Where did you get these?”
“I’ve been keeping some for myself each time I take samples to a client.”
“I thought they had to sign for what you gave them.”
“There’s ways around that.”
“Tony, you’ve got to take these back.” She said it with conviction and with the knowledge that she was right.
“Liz, I could be prosecuted for this.”
The weight of his words fell on her.
Tony stood and walked around the garage like a caged lion. “Look, I’ve already lost my job. So now I’m supposed to go and tell Danielle her daddy might be going to jail?”