Thick.
Half-hard, long as my forearm and still. Fucking. Growing.
Uncut. Like turning your porn settings over from US to UK.
A pearl of pre-cum trembling at its engorged, fat, rose-pink tip.
Hung.
And hanging right over my fucking face.
Total dream, right? Perfect way to wake up in the morning. Forget hangover cures. Forget hair of the dog.
The most beautiful dick my formerly-slutty eyes have ever ogled is dangling within licking distance of my suddenly drooling mouth, and I wanna ride that bad boy like a bitch in heat.
There’s just one problem. There always is, isn’t there?
Remember Dan? Dan “Dan the Man” Hardbottom, that almost-handsome, totally kind, and caring fiancé who booked me into this sweet-ass room that I’m probably burning to the ground literally as we speak?
Yeah…
That’s definitely not his cock.
“Morning, love,” Very Much Not Dan says, passing me a giant mug of coffee.
I accept the mug gratefully as I twist myself upright. I find myself blinking at Not Dan in a slow, disbelieving daze. Every time I close my eyes, I’m certain he’s going to be gone when I open them again.
Every time I open them, he’s still fucking there.
Alright. Let’s talk specifics here, hmm? He’s in his late twenties. Early thirties at the most. 6’2”, probably more like 6’3” if you get him in dress shoes.
What we’re dealing with here is a man who seems to be constructed mostly of muscle, sex appeal, and my own wet dreams.
He’s got dark blonde stubble that you just know will tickle your cheeks when he kisses you. The kind of lips that make you wonder how that stubble will feel against your inner thighs.
My heart says no, but my pussy says I want to ride his scruffy face like a jockey on Kentucky Derby day.
Blue eyes, bright and pale and flecked with gold. Like sunlight on the ocean. Or like the Royale’s $500,000 poker chips scattered across the baby blue felt of a roulette table.
A jawline that looks like it was formed with a chisel and a chest that makes me feel like if God were real, he’s either gay or female.
It’s like I dropped acid last night and accidentally hallucinated a naked Charlie Hunnam into my bridal suite.
“How did you sleep, darling?” he asks me. “I made brekky.”
Oh god. Did I mention it gets worse? Because it gets worse.
He’s British.
“Uhh,” I say, fluently. Because apparently, as I stare at the Union Jack flag he has tattooed on a bulging pectoral—right over his heart—I’ve forgotten how to speak English.
His eyes narrow with the hint of an amused smile.
“Drink your coffee, love.”
My breath sticks in my chest as he reaches past the mug I’m holding in my two trembling hands and pinches one of my nipples between his index finger and his thumb.
“Cheeky,” he says with a roguish wink. “Fancy a quickie before you eat? Let me know.”
I stare at his ass as he goes. You wouldn’t fucking blame me, either.
Look, I know what you’re thinking. I get it. I really fucking do.
This man is perfect. Delectable. Gloriously delicious in every single way. He’s got the looks of a notorious bad boy tempered with a dash of English charm. The body of a Greek sculpture, the tattoos of a rock star, and the cock of dildo model.
And he called me cheeky, for fucks sake. Tip me over, and I would drown in my own pussy juice right now.
But he’s not my fiancé.
He’s not Dan.
Of course he’s not Dan. That much’s pretty fucking clear.
He makes better coffee, for one.
I take a sip, if only because in my hungover state, I’m pretty solid at following orders. It’s warm and rich, brewed perfectly. Light roast, the way I like it. One sugar. Full fat milk. And the pièce de résistance: a pack of instant hot chocolate dumped on top of it—because while I do my best to be classy, I’m not a fucking saint. It’s like a mocha-flavored orgasm in my mouth.
How the fuck does Not Dan know how I like my morning cup of joe?
Actually—speaking of orgasms in my mouth—
“Um,” I say nervously.
Oh, bravo, Becky. We’re off to a great start.
“Excuse me,” I try again, “But last night, did we, uh—”
Not Dan looks up at me from his station in the kitchen where he’s currently poaching eggs. He stops swirling water round the pot just long enough to make a rude gesture with his hands.
Not Dan has thick fingers. Long, thick, well-practiced fingers. He works two of them in and out of a tight little hole he’s formed with the index finger and thumb of his other hand in a way that makes my pussy do a back flip and find religion.
“Yeah,” I say, swallowing hard. I drown my embarrassment in another mouthful of coffee. It’s good, but it doesn’t quite do the trick.
“You don’t remember?” he asks, eyes sparkling. They’re actually mesmerizing. Like pirate gold sinking beneath the Caribbean’s waves.
I look around the trashed hotel suite. The white smoke pouring casually from one bedroom. Goose feathers, sticky with Triple Sec and cigarette ash, strewn across the floor like a white Christmas on the naughty list. The left stiletto of a passed-out showgirl peeking out from behind the kitchen island. The rogue vibrator, completely feral, which has resumed its buzzing and trucked itself into the master bath.
A sob rises in my chest as I trot over to Not Dan in the kitchen.
“Honestly? I don’t remember anything,” I confess.
This hasn’t happened since the night I fucking met Dan. The night he helped me clean the vomit off my Christian Louboutins, sober the fuck up, and turn my life around.
I decided that I was going to marry Dan on that night. Now, eight months and three days later, I’m just a few vows and a marriage certificate away from making that decision a reality.
Unless, of course—
“Mm,” Not Dan hums absently, fishing a perfectly poached egg out of the boiling water with a slotted spoon. “Fuck, you mean. We did. Gloriously, might I add.”
“Oh. And…what did we do, exactly?” I’m desperate for details and it shows. Not just because I’m a horny cunt who doesn’t remember fucking the most gorgeous man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
No, I need to know how guilty I need to feel.
Not Dan stares up at me with an awful look in his eyes.
“What we didn’t do would be a shorter conversation, love,” he says, unable to contain his grin. “Here. Brekky. Tuck in.”
I stare at the beautiful, wobbling poached egg on a bed of splayed avocado slices and grill-marked sourdough. Even his breakfast is beautiful.
I consider crying. I’m pretty sure I could cry, anyway.
It seems like the reasonable thing to do.
“What’s wrong, darling?” Not Dan says as he sprinkles the eggs with pink sea salt.
“I’m supposed to be getting m-married!” I whimper, collapsing against the counter like that time I tried to drunk-bake a soufflé.
Desperate for comfort from my own dumbshittery, I hug my arms tight around my body. It’s a good call. I’m still fucking naked, and it’s not like the confession of my engaged status has stopped Not Dan from staring.
“Ah,” Not Dan sighs, leaning across the kitchen island and smiling reassuringly. “That would explain the veil then. Who’s the lucky bloke?”
I reach up, patting my hair. Not completely naked after all, then. Because sure enough, there it is: not my expensive, Spanish lace bridal veil, but a cheap gag veil with the word SLUT emblazoned in rhinestones across the tiara.
I put it back on mournfully.
You know how it is. If the shoe fits…
Here’s the deal. I know what this looks like. No apologies. No bullshit.
This is fucking bad.
But with no memory of last night and no sign
of my bridesmaids in sight…there’s got to be a reasonable answer for all of this craziness, right?
I know I wouldn’t cheat on my fiancé. No matter how many drinks I’ve had or how gorgeous Not Dan is.
I need answers here. I think we all do. But before I can get them…
“AAAAAAHHH!” screams a husky female voice from the spare room. “My motherfucking PUBES are on fire!”
I’ve got a few other messes to clean up first.
Becky
2:08 PM WEDNESDAY
I swear, I need a fucking road map to navigate my way through my own walk-in closet. When I first bought my chic little apartment here in the Valley, it looked so big and empty that I never thought I would fill it. But as soon as I moved in, it became more stuffed and cavernous than a Mary Poppins bag.
Briefly, I contemplate Mary Poppins’ wardrobe: an endless supply of ruffled blouses and granny panties. On the bright side, it would go on forever—but instead of being contained in a totally immovable closet, it could be stuffed into her tiny fucking duffle bag.
I envy that Poppins woman something fierce right now, considering my own suitcases are already overflowing, and every piece of clothing I come across isn’t anything like what I’m looking for.
Sure, this blouse is respectable. This pencil skirt even shows off my legs and some of my curves. But deep down, I’ve never felt very comfortable being respectable, even though dammit, I’ve been trying.
These clothes are lovely...they’re just not fucking me.
I sigh.
A blazer so conservative it could run for office as Sarah Palin’s running mate. A cream-colored pantsuit so boring, I may as well rock up to the airport in my fucking pajamas. Actually…now there’s a thought.
My red silk negligee would attract more than a little attention—but of course, attention is exactly what I’m supposed to be avoiding these days. Dan the Man would sure as hell not approve.
Dan the Man doesn’t even like me wearing my red silk negligee at home for a little frisky fun.
I glance at my engagement ring. A million dollars-worth of love stares back at me.
Dan the Man loves me. Dan is good for me. Dan helps me make the right decisions.
I sigh again.
Dan is boring, but he’s sweet. Or at least, he tries to be. And he’s the man I’m about to marry—so it’s about time I shut up, bite the bullet, and get the fuck used to it.
My eyes wander to the very back of the wardrobe. There, hidden behind the prim and proper stuff, live my forbidden sexy numbers from another lifetime.
Slut clothes is what Dan calls them. Is there anything wrong with dressing a little slutty? I obviously didn’t use to think so.
Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, and by that standard, my former wardrobe is practically vintage. If a woman wants to dress slutty, there’s probably a good reason for it.
Slutty dresses catch horny men.
But I’ve already caught my man, and I know exactly what he’d prefer me in: the pantsuit.
Still, slowly, like a moth enchanted by the heavenly light of a bug zapper, I push my way back to my sexy treasures.
As if Dan senses this moment of temptation all the way from San Francisco, my phone blasts out Elvis Presley’s “Viva Las Vegas”.
My fingers fall away from the shimmery mini-dress I was about to pick up. I feel myself go redder than the dress’ sequins.
Caught red-faced and red-handed.
Fuck, this man has impeccable timing.
“Hey, Becky-beans,” his voice greets me through the phone. I turn around like a kid who’s gotten caught with her fist in the cookie jar to make sure he’s not actually standing behind me.
“Aw, Dan. I hate when you call me that,” I cringe. Then, trying to sound casual, I add, “What’s up, hon?”
“Does something have to be up? Maybe I just want to hear the voice of the woman intend to marry at the end of the week.”
I emerge from the wardrobe and flop down onto my bed.
“Well…when you put it like that, I guess not, no.”
Which is why I fucking love Dan the Man, even though I still have no idea why his friends call him that.
He’s thoughtful. Sweet. He looks after me.
The fact that he’s super fucking rich doesn’t even matter. Money can’t compare to a man who somehow manages to handle my dumb ass.
Okay…so he doesn’t love my friends. And he’s admittedly a little controlling about the way I dress. And, yeah, he’d prefer that we quietly lay to rest my past life as Ballin’ Becky, party girl extraordinaire.
But relationships are about give and take, right? Nothing wrong with a little fucking compromise on my part. It doesn’t hurt to wear different clothes to please my husband-to-be, particularly when his credit card is bankrolling it.
“So…how’s your day?” I ask. Partly because I’m trying to play the good wifey. Partly so I can stop thinking about the many things I’ve changed about myself for Dan.
I’ve made my decision. I’m about to get married. Why am I focusing on such negative fucking vibes when I’m supposed to be getting my inner bridezilla on?
“It’s been tough, Becky-beans, but I won’t bore you with the details. Hey…is your doorbell ringing?”
I scrunch my face up in confusion, perking up my ears.
Actually, I do think I hear a noise at the door.
“Huh. That’s weird.”
“Go answer it.”
I get off the bed and head for the front door, wondering when my fiancé became a psychic or whatever.
“Anyway,” Dan says through the phone, “I do have some bad news.”
HA! I knew it. Fucking called it. I knew he called because something was up.
“Aww,” I say sympathetically, even though internally, I’m doing my Becky-was-right dance.
“This buy-out I’ve been arranging with Oedipus Incorporated is finally happening…as we speak, actually. They’re headed over now, and since negotiations could take all week…I’m so sorry, Becky-beans, but I’ve got to stay.”
“What do you mean, you’ve got to stay?’
By now I’ve reached the front door and open it. A pizza-faced delivery boy in ball-strangling black skinny jeans is standing there, a parcel in one hand and flowers in the other.
I point to the phone, and he seems to understand. We juggle the delivery items between us until he holds out one of those electronic devices for signing.
Once I’ve scribbled something that almost looks like my signature on the screen, he waves and books it.
With the phone squeezed between my shoulder and my face, I look down at the flowers.
My nose starts to tickle, and my eyes itch.
Oh, shit.
I let out a mascara-ruining sneeze.
“Everything okay, Becky-beans?”
“Yeah, yeah! Fine!” I sniff and put the flowers on the table in the hallway. My nose now itches, as well—and my eyes water. With difficulty, I read the card.
“To my Becky-beans.
In anticipation of our upcoming nuptials.
Enjoy your bachelorette soiree without me!
Dan the Man
Xo”
I smile. It may not be his fucking handwriting, and his sweet nothings sound kind of like a robot wrote them, but it’s the thought that counts, is it not?
He thought of me. That’s more than I can say for all the shitty faceless drunken hook-ups I burned through before I met him.
“So, your little gift pack just arrived.”
“Great. Timed it perfectly! Tell me you love it.”
I open the parcel and discover chocolates. They’re in a black box with gold writing on it.
Mint.
Oh.
I shudder, pushing the chocolates away. I can’t fucking stand mint chocolate. Why anyone would want to ruin a perfectly good piece of chocolate by making it taste like toothpaste is beyond me.
A quick check of the rem
ainder of the parcel confirms it contains two other treasures: Dan’s black credit card and a business card with some guy’s name and phone number.
“Dan,” I say, holding the credit card up like it’s something holy. “Your black card—you shouldn’t have.”
I mean that. Really. Current Becky is a responsible fucking adult who can be trusted with money, but Past Becky? Past Becky had credit debt up to her perfectly waxed eyebrows and would have traded her own mother for a new pair of designer heels.
I don’t even know if I can trust myself with this thing. Dan’s bequeathing a card of unlimited credit to a reformed shopaholic.
Shit. He does love me.
“Anything you want, Becky-beans. It’s your bachelorette party—you should treat yourself without worrying about how much it costs. It’s all on me.”
I leave the goodies where I’ve opened them and head back into the bedroom. I need to get away from those fucking flowers before I have an asthma attack.
I sneeze the whole way there.
“…but I’ll be joining you on Saturday morning at the latest,” I hear Dan say and I wonder how much I’ve missed of what he just told me. “Just in time for the wedding.”
“Uh…okay.”
So he’s missing our joint bachelor/bachelorette party.
And he’s sending me out into Las Vegas, City of Sin, alone with my party-girl bridesmaids and his black card.
Right. So, this sounds bad. But I can handle it. I am…totally confident that I can handle this.
Ballin’ Becky is dead, and New Responsible Becky in her cream-colored pantsuit is totally ready to take Vegas by storm.
“Well…it’s a bummer, Dan. And I’ll miss you, like, obviously. But don’t worry—I’ll behave myself.” I reply. Because I’m going to. Because I have to.
“About that, Becky-beans,” Dan says. He sounds serious. “I know how your friends are—so there are just three ground rules that I need you to follow.”
“Okay,” I say, pushing my way back into my wardrobe. Because, like, three isn’t that many. Three is way less than four, and barely any more than two. How bad can it possibly be? “Hit me. I can handle them.”
“One: no drinking,” Dan says.
…ouch.
I think about my bridesmaid Sammi, who has been off the hooch for the last six months while she studies oceanic migration patterns out in the middle of the Pacific, and my heart breaks.
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