Twenty-Two
Later that night, in my room, I finally had some time to collect my thoughts and impressions of the day.
Luz and I had connecting rooms which were separated by a low archway, instead of a door. She apologized in a small, rather sullen voice for the lack of privacy, but I could not help wondering if I had been deliberately put here so that she could watch me.
“If it grows too hot at night, you can step through the window here—you will see where the roof of the gallery below gives just enough room to stand and catch some coolness.”
She made as if to close the shutters she had just opened, and it was at that moment that the smell of cigar smoke drifted up to us.
I heard Lucas Cord’s husky voice, with an almost desperately yearning note in it.
“You know why I do not come more often! My God—do you think I’m made of steel? There are times…”
“And there are such times for me too! Do you think I enjoy feeling myself a prisoner here?”
“Jesus Montoya comes to see you. That ring on your finger is new, ain’t it? He just give it to you for old times sake? Christ, Elena! I can’t stay away, and every time I come back here I…”
“Remember when you promised to kill dragons for me? You were a child then, and more Apache than Julio is. And I saw your eyes on me… you did not want to like me, did you? And I did not want to like you. But I knew at that moment that we would ask you to come with us, and that you would come.”
I have never heard such stark unhappiness in any man’s voice, either before or since.
“Once I had seen you, you were my medicine dream. You were… but I haven’t killed your dragon for you yet, have I?”
“I think you will, in the end. And then you will see…”
Elena’s soft voice floated up to us, and I turned away at the same moment that Luz closed the shutters, very gently, but with a controlled kind of force.
Our eyes met, and her face was haggard, her lips compressed.
“So now you know why Lucas and I are not married. Why he will never marry any woman! Did you think that he brought you here for himself?”
“He brought me here for Ramon. Perhaps also out of some idea of revenge. I was engaged to marry Todd Shannon, or didn’t anyone think to tell you?”
Luz’s small face seemed to crumple. “They told me nothing! But they never do. I only thought… I know that Lucas has other women, but that is when he is away from the valley. Here… but what does it matter? He took me from Montoya, and said he wanted me as his woman, but he treats me as if I were a little sister! And she—she laughs, and encourages us to be together. ‘Why don’t you take Luz out riding with you? You and Luz…’ she says. ‘You are young, you ought to have fun… take her to Mexico with you…’ She is so sure of him, you see! And then he brought you…”
Suddenly I wished that I hadn’t heard that curiously revealing naked dialogue under the window nor Luz’s unashamedly honest confession of the frustration that made her so wretched.
I had been so determined to remain a spectator; now I found myself angry, for her sake.
“If they have not told you anything else, at least you must have guessed that I am not exactly here of my own accord,” I said dryly. I suddenly remembered Julio’s sardonic, subtly sneering words. “Such devotion between mother and son!”
What we had heard could have been a conversation between lovers. Was that why there was so much tension in this house, and so many undercurrents?
I felt sorry for Luz, who had been foolish enough to fall in love with a man who loved his mother too much to have room in his affections for any other woman.
“Are you going to marry Ramon, then?”
Luz looked at me curiously, although I thought there was a trace of tears in her eyes.
“Quite frankly, I would rather choose the man I am to marry! But you may be sure I have no designs on Lucas Cord. I’m sorry, Luz, but I can neither like nor trust him. In fact, I think I have conceived a tremendous dislike for him! Even Julio is more of a gentleman.”
Contrarily, she sprang to Lucas’s defense. “You don’t know Lucas then! I know what people say of him, but he is kind. It is not his fault that Elena has him bewitched. Julio is married, and Ramon—oh, Ramon is kind too, but he is not as much of a man as his brother is! It was Lucas who found this place and brought them all here. It is he who provides all that we need.”
I faced her squarely.
“Well, then, if you are in love with him, why won’t you do something about it? Why do you let him continue to walk all over you? And see you as a sister? Elena Kordes is an attractive woman, and she’s strong, but you are not his mother, and if you set yourself to it…”
“You do not understand!” She turned away from me, and flung herself across her bed. “How could you? You have not been here long enough!”
“Perhaps you have been here too long,” I answered her coolly. “Sometimes it takes an outsider to see things as they really are, you know! Do you expect to get what you want without making any attempt to achieve it? I’ve been only here a few hours, it’s true, but already I’ve learned that you are infatuated with Lucas, that Ramon is already on the verge of becoming infatuated with me, and that Lucas Cord has eyes for nobody but his mother.” She turned her head to look at me, her eyes startled, and I continued thoughtfully. “The only person here who remains something of an enigma is Julio, but I daresay I will come to understand him soon enough.”
“How can you stand here and speak so calmly of all this?” Luz demanded, and I noticed that she was about to cry. “I watched you tonight, and I could not help noticing how easy you find it to talk, even if most of us are strangers to you! The only time you became angry was when Lucas said…” she bit her lip and continued in a quieter voice, “I thought that perhaps it was Lucas you might have preferred, and you were angry because he ignored you.”
“I have many reasons for being angry with Lucas, but his ignoring me is not one of them! In fact, it would make my enforced stay here much more pleasant if I did not have to see him at all!” I bit back other words that sprang to my lips. There was no point in antagonizing Luz, after all. It might be much more convenient if I could persuade her to be my friend, or at least to confide in me. There might come a time when I would need help, for I was already determined that I would leave this valley without being forced into any marriage, no matter what devious methods I might be forced to resort to.
Luz had sat up, and continued to stare at me wonderingly. “You are so very different from the way I had imagined you would be. I think you have been used to doing as you please.”
I shrugged. “I have always had an independent nature, I fear. A fact which many people have deplored. But I hope that I am also realistic. And so should you learn to be, if you mean to get what you want.”
“All I want is to be married to Lucas! And to leave here with him. I would not care where he took me. Or even… well, there are times when I would not care if he married me or not, as long as I knew he wanted me!”
It was obvious that Luz needed someone to talk to, and I think she would have confided all her unhappiness to me at that moment, if I had let her. But I knew that I must be careful, and so I was evasive for the moment, yawning elaborately, as if the subject of Lucas bored me.
“Sometimes the best way to make a man notice you is by changing. By being a little more reserved—or better still, making him jealous! But after all, it’s none of my business, I suppose. I have always made it a point never to interfere in other people’s affairs.”
“Oh, well, I suppose you are sleepy!” Luz’s voice was wistful as she watched me cross the room and begin to comb out my hair before the one mirror we were supposed to share. “Will you talk with me again tomorrow? I am usually up early, to help with the breakfast, but after that…” her voice brightened. “Perhaps they will let us go riding together, if you would enjoy that. I could show you the rest of the valley. It is quite beautiful, yo
u know. And I would very much like it if you would tell me something of the big cities I have heard so much about, and the people who live in them. Ramon has told me a little, of course, but he is only a man; he does not understand what a woman would like to know.”
I smiled at her in the mirror. “It’s a bargain, then. And if you’ll wake me early enough, I will even help you with the breakfast. Since I am here, I suppose I might as well make myself useful!”
I suppose I should have been ashamed of myself. I was planning to use Luz and Ramon too, if I had to. The two people who were the most friendly toward me. And yet I continued to rationalize as I lay in bed that night, and even afterwards, when I had been in the valley long enough to understand the reasons for the strange undercurrents I had sensed on that first night.
I reminded myself constantly that I was merely a disinterested observer. That the lives and loves and hates of these people here were not my concern. I had only one objective, and that was to regain my cherished independence and freedom. But why did I have to remind myself of this so often? Whether I liked it or not I was here, a virtual prisoner in a secret valley that was ringed by mountains that were all but unscalable. And whether I liked it or not, I was thrown too much into the company of those who lived here to be completely indifferent to the dark, secret emotions that swirled beneath a seemingly normal surface. Because this was no ordinary household, any more than Elena Kordes, who ruled it, was an ordinary woman.
I had sensed her strength from the beginning, and the power she wielded over her sons—even Julio, who always sounded sullen or sarcastic when he addressed her.
Luz was afraid of Elena but I was not. I think we had taken each other’s measure when we had our first conversation. And yet, perhaps for that very reason, Elena seemed to make a point of seeking my company. We talked of books and plays and the opera—even of the latest fashions. Perhaps she meant to impress me with her education and her knowledge of the outside world, for indeed, she was an intelligent and well-informed woman. We talked of my father, and the kind of man he had been, and even, on a few occasions, of Todd Shannon. But here I would always become reticent, and shrug my shoulders, even when she suggested subtly that he had a way with women when it suited him, and was obsessed only with the thought of owning all of the land he considered rightfully his.
“Your father thought otherwise,” she told me once. “He had a sense of justice. Men like Todd Shannon are pirates, taking what they want by any means. My husband had more right to those lands that Shannon now calls his, and yet the law of the Anglo saw only that he was a Spaniard, a member of a conquered race.”
“And I am sure that the Spaniards took this same land from the Indians when they came to New Mexico,” I responded evenly.
“You’re clever with words, and with logic.” I had half-expected her to get angry, but she only raised an arched eyebrow at me. “And still, this same logic must tell you that it is only right that one of my sons should inherit at least part of their father’s inheritance. Your father realized that. And that is why we planned together that you would marry one of my sons.” She smiled when I shrugged. “Surely you possess too much common sense to believe in love? I do not think you could have loved Todd Shannon; you have hardly the look or the manner of a heartbroken woman!”
“As you just pointed out, I am practical. But I cannot say that I like the idea of being forced into a choice of husband.”
Our eyes met, and she smiled again. “But if you have no other practical choice? I have noticed that you spend a lot of time in Ramon’s company. He is in love with you, and you will find him easy to manage, I think.”
“Just as you find all of your sons easy to manage?” I saw her eyes narrow, and I stretched deliberately. “I don’t know—perhaps I need a challenge. Like you, I have had things my way for most of my life. And there’s no hurry, is there?”
“I think you are more like me than I care for you to be,” she said softly, “but as you say, there is no hurry.”
There was no hurry indeed. Ostensibly I was not even a prisoner. I went out riding whenever I pleased, and I had the use of Ramon’s library and Elena’s surprisingly extensive wardrobe. I was a guest, and yet this was almost a polite fiction, for I had soon discovered that in spite of the size of the estancia there were only two servants who lived in the house itself, and they were both old. Fernando was a sullen, crusty old man who was devoted to Elena and followed only her orders. Paquita was going deaf, and even older, with a habit of talking to herself as she moved slowly around the big kitchen. There was a man of about fifty and his wife, who grew vegetables and corn and helped, at the time of the roundup, with the cattle, and not more than about five vaqueros, who had their own quarters.
Luz, I discovered, did most of the dusting and bedmaking within the house itself, as well as helping with the cooking and serving of the only formal meal, which was dinner. Without my quite realizing what was happening, I found myself helping her, in spite of Ramon’s protests.
The men usually ate breakfast before we did, and had their noon meal outdoors. To my relief, the only time I encountered Lucas was at dinner, and since that first night, we hardly spoke two words with each other, until the day that I encountered Julio in the kitchen.
I think it must have been about five days after I had arrived, and during that time he had ridden out with Lucas and the other men very early each morning, not to return until just before sunset. I had heard them talking of cattle that had to be branded, fences that needed mending. It reminded me of the short time when I had been patrona of the SD, when Todd lay wounded in Silver City… and when I thought about Todd I wondered what he thought now. Did he believe me dead? Was he searching for me? And Mark, who had turned out to be my true friend. At such times I felt my hate for Lucas Cord renewed, as well as my determination to leave here as soon as I could contrive it.
On this particular afternoon, however, I had persuaded Luz to take the noon meal out to the men and warned her not to pay too much attention to Lucas, if she saw him.
“The only way you will make him notice you is if he thinks you are becoming indifferent to him,” I warned her. And I had even cajoled Ramon into accompanying her.
“Are you matchmaking?” he teased me. “You seem so cold and so unconcerned with all of us sometimes, and then…”
“I think you should pay some compliments to Luz in your brother’s presence,” I said primly. “For heaven’s sake, it’s high time you all began treating her as if she was a woman, instead of a slave!”
“And so you will slave instead, in the kitchen?” I know that he attributed my attitude to a soft heart instead of a designing mind, and I almost disliked myself for being so calculating. But Ramon, as Elena had already noticed, was well on the way to imagining himself in love with me, and it was not hard to persuade him to do whatever I asked of him.
He rode out with Luz and I found myself alone—a not unpleasant feeling, for I could think best when I was by myself.
Elena kept to the habit of taking a siesta every afternoon, and Paquita slept away most of the day. I did not know where Fernando was, but I guessed that he too was asleep somewhere. I enjoyed the feeling of solitude, while I soaked beans and chopped up meat for dinner. I would surprise Luz by showing her I could cook too, if I had to.
And then Julio found me. I had not heard him come in and I turned around to see him leaning against the wall, watching me with the same closed, inscrutable look I remembered from so long ago, when I had first been brought as a prisoner to the Apache camp.
I suppose that I must have gasped and he gave that strange twist of his lips that would have passed for a smile on any other man.
“Surely I do not make you nervous? I saw Ramon and Luz ride out with food for the others, but since I had already decided to come back to the house for my meal, I hoped that you would not mind preparing it for me.”
“I’m sorry that I did not hear you come in. It won’t take long, the stove’s still li
ghted, and all I need is more wood.”
I had to pass him to go outside for more wood, and he reached out lazily to grasp my arm.
“Julio! I thought you were hungry.”
“Not so much for food as for some talk with you, nidee.”
I had to will myself to pull away.
“You can always talk with me. But if you wish to eat…”
“Surely you are not afraid of me?”
Somehow, I found that my back was against the wall, and he, still holding my arm, was leaning far too close.
“Julio.”
“I think it is my turn now. I have seen you with my brother Ramon, and before that, it was Lucas who kept me from you. I saw the way your eyes caught mine that first night, when the warriors brought you into our camp. Yes, and afterwards too, little sister. I know what my mother plans, but she forgets that my father’s name was Kordes too, and that I am her son. You saw how angry she became when I reminded her of this fact? It is not only for the reasons that she and your father thought of that I speak now. I am Apache—the land does matter as much to me as it does to the others, who value this staying in one place. It is you I desire, and I think you already know that too, but like the women of my people, you were modest, and cast your eyes down. And now your eyes look straight into mine.”
All I could think of to say at that instant was, stupidly: “But you are married already! And I like Little Bird. If you think that I am the kind of woman who would…”
He shook my arm exasperatedly. “Did you think I meant anything less than marriage? You are a virgin, and since my grandfather adopted you into our tribe, I would not meddle with you if I had not intended an honorable offer of marriage. If you had lived with us longer, I would have tied the best ponies I had outside the shaman’s lodge as a sign of my intentions. But as it is, I’m left with no other choice but to tell you what is in my mind. I have seen you accept calmly what my mother has told you, and I have seen that you do not love Ramon. So…
The Wildest Heart Page 30