by Raj Dhaliwal
Everyone was happy when it was a no for both parties.
When it was a no from her and a yes from me, I was glad it was mum breaking the news to me followed by “She looked like a bit of a bitch so it’s her loss”. Unbelievably mum would say that as she was naturally protective of her offspring.
If it was a yes from the girl and a no from me not surprisingly mum would say “Not surprised, you’re an accountant, so that makes you a catch!” Hence the reason I nearly used this expression as the title for this book.
Mum is a Yorkshire lass, so she says what she likes and she likes what she bloody well says! As a Harry Enfield character once echoed.
Leap Into the Unknown
Not long after being divorced, I spent a couple of years being convinced and finding reasons why Indian ladies possessed the ‘evil gene’ based on the ones I had met, and thus undertook a United Nations Love Ambassadorial role and dated anyone regardless of ethnic origin or colour.
I was an active participant of this before I married an Indian lady and found it quite refreshing being immersed in different backgrounds once again. Just to clarify, I would have married anyone I wanted regardless of background and it just so happened that I met my ex-wife who happened to be Indian.
I for one never thought I would ever have to resort to internet dating. In fact my friends and I used to ridicule the whole concept and would stereotype the types of people who used to rely on it. How times have a changed and how karma is getting back at me for mocking so.
Whilst being married, for me internet daters were:
For a male, a freaky nerdy recluse or pervert or both who had only interacted with his mum in terms of female and aspired to being with the sort woman he had seen on porn sites. He would be unkempt, smelly and socially awkward especially with women and hide behind a sticky screen.
For a female, a Scraggy Maggy or scary cat lady. The one who has 20 cats with the same name and will not love or give any man the time of day unless he accepts her and her 20 cats with room for 10 more.
Immature and naive go with the general stereotype assumptions I know. That was back then.
It did not dawn on me at any time that these internet daters were just far too busy leading busy interesting lives and just did not have the time or energy to meet people due to being busy doing cool stuff.
They did not want the hassle of meeting the ‘wronguns’ and risking meeting people they did not know.
The dating sites, in the words of a lady I once met, “Sifted out the crap and left you with a half decent chance.”
Traditionally, Indians who decide to become Matrimonial Intermediaries will look at things like education, profession, family background both in the UK and in the motherland, height, weight, etc., amongst general aesthetics for any potential pairing. They have done for hundreds of years probably. The Western society has caught on and taken it a step further with dating sites.
Since being divorced and having that label attached as a divorced guy who has hit the magic or tragic big 40, the function introductions and Samosa Parties have dwindled more and more. Thankfully the Samosa Parties more so, as they were never fun.
The fact that I am divorced suddenly provoked the thought and idea into the head of many a Matrimonial Intermediary commonly known as an ‘Auntie’ that I was somehow now desperate and would inevitably go for anything female with a pulse. The ensuing results were a multitude of mismatches.
As a result of these ‘mismatches’, I felt I had no alternative, due to lack of time and lounge lizard skills, to go online and explore the wonders that may be out there.
There was a point in time I was on more internet dating sites than I could remember. The only sites I wasn’t on were Autotrader and eBay – no reserve, no bids!
I found it strange how we are so reliant upon formulas and algorithms on a dating site to determine whom we may consider to be our match.
Computer says no! The only real algorithm is our own human brain.
Let’s Go Shopping!
The internet dating world, in my interpretation, is almost like shopping. In this case, imagine shopping for a used car.
The make and model may have already been defined (Indian Female or Caucasian Male for example).
The first most frustrating thing is there being a lack of photos or even one pic.
Are they that hot that they are inundated relentlessly with unwanted attention? Is anyone? It seems more and more apparent that we tend to live in a somewhat more fickle world and as much people may say looks are not everything, they are.
We need a photo to ‘see what we are buying’ and ascertain if the product is worth investing time and interest. Not a nice way to put it across I know but, it’s the only plain and simple way to see it.
All that is left now is to go through the adverts (profiles with pics) and see what you can get for your price. The price being me and what I can attract as a package.
You will be mindful of things such as:
The specification. This can be whether that person be tall, short, slim, curvy, has a good job, etc. We all have our own desired specification and some options are essential such as a full head of hair whilst others not so much, such as a six-pack. Then again either or both could be expected standard features or not, depending on whom is being asked.
The age and condition. Do they look good for their age? Are they well maintained? Or do they look like they have had a hard life? More importantly do they look like the photo?
Look at service history. Does that person have more baggage than Heathrow Terminal 5? Have they had an abusive former partner, or a painful divorce, how many former partners? Not that it should matter but if they were married more times than Elizabeth Taylor then one cannot help but wonder.
Are there free accessories? Are there any children in the picture? Grown up or not. May or may not make a difference as many don’t mind a readymade family but these details can sometimes be overlooked and not disclosed.
We will always come across the not so truthful adverts now and again. Slight omissions on the service history, spec and condition etc. and the ‘sold as seen’ method is not always an appealing one unless one is in urgent need and cannot wait any longer.
To use a car analogy, yes… yet again despite knowing ladies don’t really fancy being compared to a car, a woman is similar to certain types of car.
What type of car do I go for when shopping? It’s all about the experience and what I want in the long run. The car being the lady of course and the driver being me.
Flashy so I look good but unreliable, temperamental and high maintenance?
Not so flashy but understated. Only I know of how good the attributes are and the appreciation is reciprocated in terms of reliability, fun to be with?
Quirky and different but appreciated and admired as a result of being individual and not mass produced? Potential classic dare I say?
There are cars that handle well. Very well in fact. This is regardless of conditions, time of day, month or year. The car can be pushed and pushed and always reward the driver (you) regardless of the level of natural skill or ability the driver may have. They leave you overwhelmed with the whole experience. The greed of reliving what has been and always wanting more with a heightened sense of anticipation and relishing the next encounter, no matter where or when. These cars do not have to be flashy or even desired by others. They are yours to cherish and love unconditionally despite bad times as they are outnumbered by the good with a ratio of 100:1.
Then there are cars that don’t handle well at all. They may look the business or come across as easy to live with but disappoint. They cannot handle anything remotely challenging and no matter how skilled and experienced the driver, will just not respond. On the other hand there are those that are unpredictable and just snap out of control no matter what level of skill and experience the driver has. Some drivers like a challenge, other would prefer to walk away, look back at was has happened, what may have happened and be
grateful the outcome was not worse.
The Profile
This is the downside and most daunting task one could undertake. After procrastinating, I would sit there for an age whilst logged in to a dating website or two contemplating.
I had to somehow combine persuasive language with the kind of images that made my profile float her boat rather than sink it, which, I as well as many have learned from experience, isn’t as easy as it sounds.
“Pray tell, how on earth do I go about doing this? I’ve gotta look cool, I’ve gotta look fun, I’ve gotta look amazing, I’ve gotta look like I am THE ONE ladies have been waiting for all their lives! I can’t look desperate! I am an accountant! Therefore, I am a Finance Demi-God! You can do this!”
I would muster all of my strength and self-control and focus my concentration to stop being distracted by thoughts of more interesting stuff to surf on the net. Porn! eBay! Autotrader! How to apply the minimum amount of coats of paint to obtain the maximum effect on a picket fence! Mating habits of otters! Anything so help me God!
I would like to say I had asked my friends for help on writing my profile. I didn’t. Yes they may know me better than I know myself but the embarrassment was overwhelming. Besides, they would only make fun of me and be as useful as a chocolate teapot and would put me off the whole idea.
I knew one thing about writing my profile. I had to keep it short and sweet. No choice as certain websites would not let you write more than 300 words! How am I supposed to sell myself with only 300 words?!
“Accountant, Tall, GSOH, loves women and cars! I’m catch of the day so cast that net baby and reel me in!”
Yeah right! That might have worked in some parallel universe or the 80s, I’m guessing, but in no way was going to cut the mustard now.
Granted I wouldn’t introduce myself to someone in a bar with my entire life history, but women would want to mentally vet someone when they meet them. Make sure he is not a weirdo, psycho or a man with a beard!
Honesty is the best policy! Lying doesn’t get you anywhere in the dating world! I once read. Well… I suppose I am screwed then aren’t I? As tempting as it was to inflate or sugarcoat certain attributes I managed to resist the urge. An example being, my love for cars entails me participating in track days and rally days, I resisted the desire to put down part-time racing driver!
I suppose both sexes want to find someone who can make them laugh. Well, most profiles request that attribute, “GSOH is a must”. Well ladies, I have a dry but FSOH – Fantastic Sense of Humour! I shall therefore show you people I have a sense of humour. If I can make someone laugh, it will be a great icebreaker. If they don’t laugh at my jokes like I do, then they have none! Can’t really put that in the profile but I shall make it representative of me somehow.
This brings me on to the ‘shopping list’. I was tempted to say must have a fantastic bum when wearing jeans but could see the response rate being as low as a nuclear submarine in the Atlantic.
I didn’t want to come off as a male diva or unrealistic. So, apart from the obvious items one would find on a list such as caring, intelligent, ambitious, kind etc. I had to add a few more adjectives. I struggled.
I tried to avoid clichés as much as possible. Even if I were to be a huge fan of something I thought it best to leave them out as it would provide me with more material in a conversation on the phone or as I like to call it the ‘Telephone Interview’ before meeting up.
I had noticed a lot of profiles had things like ‘Walking on the beach despite living in rural Worcestershire’, ‘Surfing for porn’, ‘Drinking wine whilst staring at a roaring fire’. I mean who doesn’t like doing these things?
This brings me neatly onto listing sociable hobbies. Once again I had to divulge a bit about me but not make it look like ladies had no choice but to imagine how they’ll fit into my life. Describing one’s self as a ‘bookworm’ or ‘internet porn addict’ (activities are not mine but described for extra effect) may make them feel they would hardly see me. Somehow, I had to play up my love of anything remotely sporty, or outdoor even if I would only partake on a full moon!
I had to learn to stay positive and avoid any form of negativity. My tone had to be positive. I once read that my profile is essentially my dating CV. I wouldn’t want a future employer to read anything negative, so why would I want a potential partner to read anything that isn’t positive? Very true.
So… the urge to do an eBay style of review and say “Recently re-joined this website again! On here due to last lady being a timewasting cow!” is not ideal. Truthful but on this one, honesty is not the best policy.
The final but crucial part of the profile is the picture/s. The decision on the type of pictures to take and then upload will either make or break the profile. Pressure’s on!
I was advised to choose action shots. Great if I could demonstrate playing a guitar or downhill skiing but I could not do either. Air guitar or playing the triangle, even if my face isn’t showing, isn’t going to guarantee I receive more messages. Once again, I was screwed.
In addition, I had to choose recent photos. I have read many articles on internet dating before taking the plunge myself and one of the most frequent complaints about online dating profiles is how someone may have looked like once but they certainly don’t look like it now. Naturally, looking better in the flesh is much better than the reverse. I was also informed that many ladies would rather see a big happy grin in a profile photo than a sexy pout. Basically, be an action man whilst laughing my head off at any dangers that may be in the way and looking good! No problem!
One thing I have noticed about my competition, other Indian guys, is the type of profile pics they have. I know this from the one’s my female friends have forwarded on to me with the caption “Don’t you dare use a profile picture like this guy!”
I am a gym bunny but my profile pic does not show it intentionally. I used a couple of natural shots my younger brother had taken on the sly. He subsequently emailed me the pics to use and I have received compliments on them as I do display a ‘more cheese please Gromit’ style of cheesy grin.
However, these dudes have taken the art of posing up a notch. I have seen pics that have guys wearing sunglasses indoors, which I have been informed is a no no. Luckily I did not have any of those pics.
I have also seen guys in vests hanging out of convertibles with their arms tensed. The ones who are ‘flexing’ are so tensed they look as though they are about to ‘shit one out’ because the look on their faces are that extreme!
There are numerous dropdown boxes and filters and fields to fill in on a majority of the dating sites whether they be Indian or non-Indian ones. I have been informed on many an occasion that failure to fill in all fields or just have a cavalier approach to this does not bode well and can portray a ‘cannot be bothered’ attitude. If someone cannot be bothered to fill out their profile in full, can they be bothered at all?
The type of female I would go for has to be populated correctly. There is no dropdown box, filter or field that has the prerequisite ‘nice down to earth personality with a fantastic bum’ or ‘anything, I will go out with anything!’ What I did not want to have happen is the spectrum be too broad and all and sundry start connecting with me. Don’t get me wrong, that would be absolutely fantastic, but that meant spending ages going through profiles and the whole task being arduous and a laborious one at best.
In the words of my best friend David Jones, “I dunno much about art but I know what I like!”This basically meant, I do not have a type but I know whom I would be attracted to as and when.
David had a theory. This was an important factor when it came to populating age range. Did I play it safe and possibly echo desperation by selecting 18-45+? I did not want to lose out to any potential love of my life due to a narrow margin.
Or did I adopt Dave’s theory? The theory is a guy, providing he looks good for his age, can get away with dating or just being with a lady half his age plus seven. The
proviso was the lady in question looked her age and did not like a teenager. So basically a 40-year-old guy with a 27-year-old lady. If the guy looked early thirties and the lady looked maybe a year or so younger than her real age, if that, then a perfect match. In theory anyhow. Dave was a tad quirky like me. We had no theory that could be attributed to females though.
Finally, checking grammar. Unless English is my fourth language behind Mongolian, Flemish and Punjabi, there is no excuse. Poor grammar and spelling is a turn off, and although the best of us can make mistakes, the profile can be entered into Microsoft Word alongside utilising the standard computer spellcheck for additional peace of mind.
Profile for a Friend
A close friend of mine made the mistake of asking me for some help on her online profile. I naturally rose to the challenge and relished the whole undertaking.
I had taken a look at some of her pictures she had taken whilst on holiday and noticed there was a nautical theme going on. She is not a yachtswoman or sailor but it was sheer coincidence she had those pictures and I had tried nautical puns on a speed dating event not so long ago.
I thought “Sod it, let’s go with it anyhow and see what happens!”
It went a bit like this:
Ahoy there shipmates! Yo ho ho & a bottle of rum!
Shiver me timbers! I am all about life adventures and the exploration of all things new!
Finding love on the other hand, is a bit like fishing before a tidal wave! No smooth sailing at all.
There is a calm before the storm and the next thing you know, someone comes along and capsizes my dinghy without me having caught anything!!
Like most at this busy port of (name of dating site inserted), I am getting weary of rough seas and choppy waters on my travels on the ocean of love in my quest for that elusive one! It’s all making me rather seasick!