by Raj Dhaliwal
At the time of writing this, I had stumbled across a couple of articles on MSN that mentioned other types of behaviour known as ‘bread crumbing’ and ‘zombied’! I honestly could not believe what I had been reading.
Zombied: It starts off with similar behaviour to ghosting, where someone you have been chatting with goes days without responding or acknowledging your message. In the worst cases, they will visibly ‘read’ your message and fail to respond. Whatsapp blue tick bitch!
After a while, you might give up on the ghost (‘Good riddance’, you think) and start talking to someone else. You might even go on dates to move along with your life, until suddenly…
They come back! Yes, risen from the dead, zombie-style.
Bread crumbing: Also known as ‘Hansel and Gretelling’, offers singletons the glimmer of hope they need to keep the conversation alive. Receiving sporadic but suggestive text messages could be a sign that you’re getting bread crumbed. The texter may be attempting to boost their ego by keeping you interested with the minimum amount of effort possible. In serious cases, the person sending the suggestive texts may pop up every few months, only to flit back out of your life after.
Definitions according to MSN.
I had experienced the aforementioned behaviours as a recipient but never knew that there would actually be a term or expression associated with them.
Let’s try and bring some dating etiquette, if there is such a thing.
Evolution or Revolution?
Has the world of dating undergone a revolution or simply evolved? It may seem that whatever has happened, has been a tad too quick for our liking, me in particular, and many are struggling to keep up. Will those belonging to the 18–30 be saying the same in 10–15 years? Or will it have slowed down and wait for the next cycle of change. Therefore, dare I say it, I am single in the wrong time era!
There was a time when a couple would simply meet up for a coffee or dinner post meeting up or bumping into each other at a venue or a night out. Whether the pre-date bumping into was facilitated by friend or family doesn’t really matter. That post bumping into coffee/dinner would have been called a date.
Based on personal experiences and from conversing with the ladies I have encountered on my love quest, nowadays, it seems to be wrong and presumptuous to call it a date.
The term ‘meet up’ is a more prevalent term used. The meet up will determine whether, naturally of course, there will be a ‘date’ that will come out of it.
Again, in the past, post two or three dates, once it could have been said they are ‘dating’. How wrong could I be? Very it seems.
Naturally, the process of a relationship evolving (from the male perspective) depends on whom one is interested in. Whether she is an Ice Maiden or a Desperate Doris will determine the stages/phases one will have to pass through and even if one is fortunate enough to skip a level or two due to good behaviour!
Kind of seeing
Once the two or three dates have taken place successfully and all is well with the world, then apparently, you are not dating. No no no! Get those thoughts out of your head dear boy! You are both ‘kind of seeing’ someone.
This allows freedom for both parties to window shop and grab a last minute deal of a lifetime that would be too good to pass up! Punch above our weight in simple terms.
Just started seeing
This provides a tad more security in a potential relationship. This stage or phase exists when you have made it past the holding hands and fifth date stage or phase.
The term itself inspires and motivates. Although neither party is out of the woods yet, it means you have a chance! Don’t blow it!
Dating
Well done fella! You’ve made it! Well… Almost. She has made a semi-formal commitment. If you are lucky, she may tell the other potential suitors, wannabe bad boy players and lounge lizards she is content.
Content being the key word. There is still ample time and opportunity to cock the whole thing up without realising what’s just happened! Then subsequently end up listening to Dido on repeat.
Boyfriend
Congratulations or Commiserations! Depends on whom you have bagged and tagged! A unicorn or a donkey!
Congratulations if one had managed to pass every stage even if not with flying colours but experienced an adventure getting to the end! If one managed to skip a few levels from a simple meet up and obtained a fast track promotion to boyfriend level, then kudos to you.
Commiserations if one had an arduous and sometimes perilous journey and just about scraped through every stage whilst contemplating giving up and pursuing a new challenge. Even worse is when the sudden realisation dawns upon them that you are now at a level of commitment albeit not as concrete as fiancé or husband.
Just like a game show host would exclaim “Look at what you could have had!” the term will ring in ones ears as they spot a deal or bargain that they overlooked or had missed out on or should’ve waited for.
Most will interpret the above as a bit of a cynical perspective I can imagine, but I have unfortunately found this to be more and more accurate nowadays.
Everyone seems to be holding out for something better it seems. A bit like a car owner regardless of whether their pride and joy be a classic, sporty number or quirky and of an acquired taste.
Unless they are smitten with their dream ride and will never get rid no matter what happens, most are of the mindset ‘Yep, keep this one for a bit, see what’s out there and if it gives me any trouble, then I shall get rid quick time! There are bound to be better ones out there.’
Apparently, if you want to believe everything that is read on the internet, nearly half of women have a backup partner. This can be a guy who is a ‘close friend’, great on paper but didn’t quite get the job as he was either under-qualified or had applied too late.
Regardless, the application was kept on file and will be retrieved from the filing system as and when a suitable vacancy arises.
Lessons Learnt
Such a popular phrase nowadays. Synonymous with politicians and those in positions of authority for when it all goes Pete Tong!
What have I learnt? Anything at all?
To be honest, apart from the obvious stuff I knew beforehand, not much. Ok, I jest. I have learnt a little bit. The little I have learnt is scary but has not put me off dating ever again. Well… not yet anyhow.
It has been a great learning curve and experience. If I had a time machine and went back to a younger version of me, say 26 years old, and explained what the score was, I think I would have just laughed at my older self and ridiculed accordingly. In fact, I probably would not have believed it could be so tricky and now be considered an art to be able to initially attract a lady, make her swoon, have her wanting to come back for more and then obtain her complete devotion and have her forsake all others. Well for the time being at least.
From the perspective of the guy, regardless of creed, colour ethnicity on both parts, I think it is much harder and the ladies have it a tad easier. Only a tad. Yet another contentious sweeping generalisation but my last one though.
Unless the guy is for arguments sake, Brad Pitt, George Clooney or David Beckham (many other Hollywood heartthrobs, rock and sports stars are available), most of us mere mortal men have to jump through many hoops and pull out rabbits from hats amongst other magic tricks to exceed sometimes unrealistic benchmarks set by ladies.
The ladies have the upper hand it seems and those ladies whom I have asked this very question seem to answer with ‘not really’ but with a wry smile simultaneously.
That means ‘Of course we do! We are just not going to admit it!’
Like it or lump it, the game of dating has changed and the rules of dating that go with it.
We can either adapt to the new way or hope that we find someone in more a traditional way with whom we can communicate face to face rather than behind a screen or via phone messaging.
Now for the Jerry Springer style final though
t. This came to me whilst sat in a meeting at work talking about budgets for a new car and my mind started to wonder. Without meaning to brag, I am both shocked and impressed I managed to come up with this. Flipping awesome!
The flame on the dating candle will flicker and sometimes wane or shrink. I’ve learnt not to let it die out. It’s had its moments. Keep it going despite the urge to blow it out completely wanting to take over. Have faith and let the intense energy of the flame burn bright for all to see. Hopefully someone will see it, love it and want it.
Copyright
Published by Clink Street Publishing 2018
Copyright © 2018
First edition.
The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that with which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
ISBNs: 978–1–912262–70–0 paperback, 978–1–912262–71–7 ebook