by Mia Kayla
Josh strolled in with his suit jacket on and his tie in his hand. “Where’s Gracie?”
I tipped my head to our small family room where our three-year-old was engrossed in a session of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
“Crack TV.” I grinned and zipped up the bag.
Our two-bedroom apartment was packed like a sardine with all of Gracie’s toys. Our living room functioned as her toy room with her kitchen set and all her plates and food shoved against the side of the couch.
When I stood, my breath caught.
Josh took me in, as though he were seeing me for the first time, photographing me with his eyes. He bit his fist and strolled toward me. “Hot damn, woman.”
Butterflies flittered and fluttered in my stomach. They always did when he gave me the look.
My hands flattened the front of my black skirt suit. It had been years since I’d been in a suit. My body felt confined. Thank goodness I’d only be wearing it for the interview.
It had taken me two years to finish school at Le Cordon Bleu. After a heap of loans, lack of sleep, and the support of my husband, I had done it. He had pushed me to pursue my dreams and hadn’t stopped hounding me until I did. Now, it was just a matter of getting myself back into the kitchen and back to work.
“I’m nervous.” Honesty leaked out of my mouth, and my hands fidgeted at the edge of my skirt.
He smiled—one dimple, not two, the smile that told me I was being ridiculous.
“You? Nervous?” Josh’s hands snaked around my waist and pulled me into him. He released a low, hoarse whistle. “I’m the one who’s nervous. Look at you. I won’t be there to keep the men away.”
A blush touched my cheeks. After three years of marriage, Josh still made me feel beautiful and wanted. “Please…I only have eyes for you.”
We had married in his small chapel back home, the one his parents had gotten married in. It had been an intimate affair with his father, Casey, and Chloe in attendance. It was important to Josh that we were married before the baby was born, and it was important to me that he was happy.
With his fingertips, he lifted my chin and pecked me on the lips. When he pulled me closer against him, his kiss lingered, and I breathed my husband in, his signature musky cologne mixed with the scent of his shampoo. I wrapped both arms around his neck, and his kiss deepened when he flicked his tongue against the seam of my lips.
“I have a solution that could relax you,” he said, his tone sexy and seductive.
I sighed into him. I was ovulating, but I didn’t have the time today.
As soon as Gracie had turned one, we’d started trying for another baby but had no luck. Sometimes, it seemed as though the world was against us. Every month, it was the same disappointment—no baby.
But Josh’s baby-making motto pushed to the surface. “We’ll keep trying until we get it right. Practice makes perfect.”
I wrapped my arms tighter around him. “I so want round two, but we can’t. I’m going to be late.”
He smirked and dropped his lips to my neck instead. “You’re probably right.” He nipped at the tender spot of my neck and let out a low laugh.
“After the interview, I promise,” I said.
It had been years since I’d stepped into a restaurant as a chef. I hadn’t spent thousands on school to bake pastries for our neighbors and family friends. I wanted to get back in the game. Gracie was going into preschool, and I was ready to get back to work. Also, we needed the money.
Working for a nonprofit organization did not pay well enough to support a family of three. Though he never admitted it, I could tell Josh was stressed about finances. It was in the stiffness of his shoulders as he’d sit at his desk, paying the monthly bills, and his soft sighs when he’d open our mail.
And I wanted to financially contribute to our family. He had been supporting me in more ways than I could count since I’d delivered, and now, it was my turn to give back.
He bent me backward, kissed me one last time, and then set me back on my feet. “You’re going to do great.” His eyes twinkled with a confidence I wish I had. “Be yourself, and I swear, you’ll get the job. I’m sorry I can’t take Gracie.”
I waved one hand. “Stop. You’ll be in court today, and those parents need you. Chloe said she’d meet me at the restaurant and take Gracie for an hour. It’s not like these types of things last longer than that. If I get a second interview, then they’ll have me in the kitchen. I’ll know in advance, and you can take her then.”
He nodded, but I could still see the reluctance in his eyes. “All right, let’s go. You don’t want to be late.” He winked. “I’ll put her in the car.”
He turned toward our munchkin, reached down, and threw her in the air like a little human football. Her giggles were contagious and had both of us laughing. Her blondish curly hair was in disarray and bounced as she hit the air. Some would call it messy, but I couldn’t worry about it anymore. I had tried everything to tame her unruly hair, and she hated her curls being tied back, so we let it run wild. Josh, on the other hand, said her hair had character, just like her—wild and free.
I bit my cheek. Wild and free.
Little things would spark memories of her father. Not memories of longing, but the realization that the wild and free in our little Gracie that could not be tamed had come from him.
I didn’t think of Hawke often, but when I did, my stomach would clench with anxiety.
Josh zipped up her jacket and put on her Hello Kitty shoes. “We’re ready to go, Mom.”
She peeked out from under her oversize Mickey hat and smiled, showing two dimples that were so like Josh’s but weren’t really his.
“Okay, let’s do this.” I slipped the baby bag and my purse over the same shoulder.
“First things first. Family hug to make Mama feel better.” Josh wrapped his arms around me, and we squeezed.
“Mama hug, pweese.” Gracie snuggled in between us. We were making a human sandwich where we were the bread and she was the meat.
I let her laughter wash over me and calm my nerves, and it worked like it always did. Josh and Gracie had the ability to do that, just by being them.
As I drove downtown, nursery rhymes played in the background. Gracie and I belted out the words to “The Wheels on the Bus,” as though I were Adele and she was my backup. God, I loved my simple suburban life.
When I dropped the car at the valet and grabbed Gracie, I was on a high that could not be broken. I walked into the restaurant, confident that I was going to slay the interview.
I reached for my phone in my pocket. I didn’t have to dial Chloe’s number because she stood from a table in front of me, calm, collected, and on time. Her striped suit hugged her slim runner figure. With a grin, she rushed toward me and reached for Gracie without even a hello my way.
“Auntie Coo.” Gracie’s eyes lit up at her godmother.
Chloe showered her face with kisses, not caring that she was getting lipstick all over my baby’s face.
“Hello to you, too, Chloe,” I sassed.
Her eyes appraised me. “Wow. You look great, Sam. I don’t remember the last time I saw you in a suit.”
“I don’t remember the last time I saw me in a suit.”
We both laughed.
Chloe stared at Gracie with a look of adoration. “I hope it’s okay”—Chloe rubbed her nose against Gracie’s, which made her giggle—“I figured I’d eat lunch here and spend fairy godmother and Gracie time together. If she starts to get antsy, I’ll leave, and you can just call me.”
I nodded. “Sounds good.” I doubted my interview would last longer than thirty minutes anyway.
The restaurant was packed with its normal patrons. It wasn’t a super fancy place where you couldn’t bring children, but it definitely held a four-star ambiance, and I doubted children were here on the weekends.
Black velvet couches lined the edges of the room while round tables sat in the center, all decked in white linen and full place set
tings. The decor exuded modern sophistication, something the regular chain restaurants in our suburbs did not have.
I peered down at my watch. I had five minutes. “All right, I’m going to head up now. Wish me luck.”
Chloe winked and readjusted Gracie on her hip. “No luck needed. You’re going to kill it.”
I kissed Gracie on the head and flattened out my skirt. With my portfolio in hand, I walked to the bar. Butterflies took flight in my stomach, making me feel unsteady, but it was now or never.
I approached the bartender as instructed in the email and said, “Hi, I’m Samantha Stanton. I’m here for an interview with Juan.”
The bartender had shoulder-length jet-black hair that shone under the light. “Yes, follow me,” she said, her tone friendly.
I trailed behind her, feeling the ridge of my portfolio against the inside of my palm. I pictured Josh telling me his favorite phrase.
“Exhale, Sam.”
And so I did.
This is it.
Forty-five minutes later, Juan, the head pastry chef, shook my hand. “See you next week in the kitchen.”
I grinned, unable to contain my excitement. “It was a pleasure.” I firmly shook his hand. “Thank you so much. I’ll see you next week.”
There was a skip in my step, and I had to control the urge not to sprint to Chloe’s table.
I clasped my hands together and jumped. “Chloe…” I peered behind me to see if Juan had made his way back to the kitchen. When he did, I squeed at her, “I landed a second interview. They want to see me next week!”
Her eyes brightened, and her smile widened, almost as big as mine. “Oh, hell yeah.”
We high-fived.
I pointed to Gracie who had Chloe’s phone in her hand and earbuds on her ears.
“Tupac,” Chloe blurted with such a straight face that I narrowed my eyes at her.
She reeled back and raised an incredulous eyebrow. “Hello? What kind of godmother do you think I am?”
I chuckled. “No comment.”
Then, my eyes zoned in on Mickey Mouse playing on the screen.
“We ate already but did you want to order something?” she asked.
My insides wanted to explode, and all I wanted to do was call Josh, but he was already in court. “Sure, let me text the hubs first.”
I texted Josh but didn’t get a response. When he did see my text, there was no doubt I would get a phone call.
When my adrenaline tapered off, I sat down, placed my cell on the table, and opened the menu, my stomach already grumbling at the anticipation of getting fed. I hadn’t eaten breakfast like I normally did, being so nervous, but now that the butterflies had subsided, my appetite was back in full swing, and I picked at Chloe’s leftover fries.
Chloe filled me in about the most recent guy she was dating. I knew she was looking for the right one, but all the wrong ones had kept showing up at her door. At times, I’d see the longing in her eyes when she looked at Gracie or when I was with Josh. She had said she wasn’t searching for the type of life Josh and I had, but sometimes, I read something deeper behind her eyes.
After ordering, I filled Chloe in on every question Juan had thrown my way. When Gracie said she had to go potty, I rushed her to the restroom. She had a Pull-Up on, but I didn’t want to risk any accidents, especially at my future place of employment.
She finished, and as a reward, I kissed her cheek and dug into my pocket for a lollipop. We’d been rewarding her with kisses and candy. Or maybe the kisses were our reward for having such a sweet child.
I held her hand as we walked out of the bathroom, and in Gracie-esque fashion, she skipped and smiled up at me. I was so enamored by her that I didn’t notice the crowd gathering at the front.
I realized we were at the peak of rush hour, and Gracie’s nap was coming, an indication that I needed to leave soon.
When I approached the table, Chloe’s eyes widened with alarm. When I saw the flashes of light coming from outside, a memory triggered in my brain, but I couldn’t quite piece it together.
Then, my skin prickled with awareness, my throat fell dry, and my heartbeat picked up in my chest. The mood shifted in the air, and the moment slowed.
Time stood still.
A spike of terror hit me when I saw a familiar tall, broad male, whose upper body reminded me of a football player, strolling in.
Tilton.
Without thinking, I swooped Gracie up, bringing her toward my chest and hiding her face.
My eyes darted around the room for anywhere to go, for anywhere to hide, for anywhere to disappear. My breathing picked up in pace, and it was like I was having hot flashes. Not knowing what to do next, I rocked back in place, as though I were putting Gracie to sleep even though she was fully awake.
Tilton’s eyes widened with surprise when his eyes made it toward my direction. I could tell by the way his body was blocking my view that he didn’t want me to be seen either, but then the crowd parted like the Red Sea, and a familiar pair of green eyes locked on mine.
After the initial shock, Hawke smiled, and his whole face brightened.
Mine fell.
My fingers dug into Gracie’s back, the slight movement causing his eyes to flicker to her. I was frozen. The only body parts moving were my arms gripping Gracie against me.
He swaggered toward me at his signature cool pace.
At one time, I had adored him. At one time, Hawke’s presence had had my heart racing and my mouth watering. At one time, the need to touch him had been overwhelming, and being with him had breathed life into me.
But not now.
Now, fear shook my body with each step he took toward me, like a dangerous lion approaching its prey.
The reaction to run was so strong that I had to force my feet to stay and force my face to keep steady.
“Sunshine…” One word that used to send shivers down my spine, now filled the back of my throat with bile.
He glanced again at Gracie, my baby, our baby. Gracie’s head rested on my shoulder, away from the chaos in front of me.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t form words. I couldn’t respond to the man who was about to change my life.
My words were lodged in the back of my throat, coated with a thickness I couldn’t swallow down.
Chloe bumped me and stood between us. “Hawke? Is that you? I didn’t recognize you. You look…different.”
The way she said different wasn’t a good thing.
Because it wasn’t.
He’d lost a lot of weight, and the bags were heavy under his eyes.
“Gracie, come over here, sweetness.” Chloe extracted Gracie from my arms. Thankfully, she went without a peep. “Thanks, Sam, for taking her to the restroom, so I could eat. I can tell she’s tired. It’s her nap time, so I’ll just be over here.”
The air released in one large swish from my lungs. I wondered if he’d heard it.
He furrowed his eyebrows, darting his gaze between the three of us, but I used Chloe’s reprieve to divert his attention.
“Hey…” I waved at him.
He turned my way and smirked. And, from his disregard of our child, I knew he hadn’t gotten a good look at her.
“After all these years, is that all I get?” He closed the gap between us.
I gave him a noncommittal half-hug, but he held me tighter, breathing me in and holding me close.
I let out a silent sigh once Chloe and Gracie were back at their table.
In his arms, I didn’t feel butterflies, nor did I feel disappointment or anger. All I felt was an emptiness, as though I were hugging a stranger.
“You look great.”
I sensed longing in his tone, like he’d meant to say, I missed you.
But I didn’t miss him.
His whole body relaxed into me, like he was using me for a crutch, but I wasn’t that girl anymore. I had grown up.
I slowly extracted myself from his hold and stepped back, needing space, needing air
, needing to be away from him. His face had aged over the years that I hadn’t seen him. Lines crinkled his forehead, and wrinkles outlined his eyes. And, in the deepest part of me, though I couldn’t be entirely sure, I had a gut feeling he was still using.
“So…you’re here for a concert?” I asked carefully.
Hopefully, he’d be gone in a few days, and we’d never cross paths again.
His eyes drank me in, the same way he did years ago when we were the same two young people who had met at a club.
But things were different now. My life was different now. I was different now.
I shifted from my unease.
“Yeah. In Chicago for a couple of days.” He tipped his head and motioned with one hand toward my ensemble. “Where’s your apron?”
“I just interviewed for a job here.”
“New job?”
I nodded. He hadn’t known that I had quit my old one because of Gracie.
“Yeah. Better pay.” I crossed both fingers in the air. “Upscale restaurant. I hope I get the job.”
He sucked on his bottom lip, and his eyes scoured my body. “You’ll get it.” His intense stare was predatory and had me drawing back and wanting to hide in a corner. “You look great,” he repeated.
“Thanks.”
A whole lot of awkward filled the air, which forced my gaze to the ground.
“I called you a bunch of times.” His voice quieted to a hush, as though he didn’t want anyone to know but only wanted for me to hear.
Still not meeting his gaze, I said, “Yeah, I know. It was for the best.”
“I didn’t like how we left things.”
No apologies came from his mouth. But it was okay because that was my past.
“It’s fine. That was years ago.”
“Still.”
He reached for my hand, his eyes dropping to my ring. “You still with Josh?”
I retracted my hand from his because he had no right to touch me anymore. “How do you know that I’m Josh’s? How do you know it wasn’t someone else?”
He shrugged. “Lucky guess? Or maybe I’ve been keeping tabs on the love of my life.”
Too much. Too fast. And all lies.
“Hawke, don’t,” I said, my tone meaning business.