by Georgia Hill
He took a sip of his cider and grimaced. “God, I know this is local but it tastes like vinegar.” He took my wine glass that I offered him in exchange and drank cautiously.
“That’s better.” He gave me a steely look over the glass. “So, are you happy at school? Do you think you’ll stay? You’ve done a really good job there. Wouldn’t you like a headship one day?”
I smiled at the questions he barked out and took some time in considering my answers. “Yes. Yes. Thank you. Maybe.”
He frowned as he worked out which answer went with which question. “So, you don’t want to move schools again?” he muttered. “You wouldn’t want to move, oh I don’t know, back to London maybe?”
I shook my head and said, through a last mouthful of sandwich: “I’ve only just moved away and that was hard enough. I like it where I am.” I shrugged, “I like the school, enjoy the people I work with and it’s near to my parents.”
Jack nodded, “I thought you might say that.” He looked down at his plate; he’d hardly touched his food. “I’ve accepted a job in London with the government,” he added abruptly.
“I know.”
This took him by surprise. He looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
“I overheard Annabel congratulating you,” I explained. “In the meeting that we had on the last day of the inspection. You must be pleased, it’s a big promotion.” Lunch was beginning to stick in my throat. I swallowed desperately.
He gave a sigh and moodily picked at the salad on his plate. “Trouble is, I don’t know if it’s what I want anymore. I just don’t know what I want.”
“Oh.” It was an inadequate response. Never the easiest man to read I just couldn’t keep up with Jack’s mercurial mood changes today. I was beginning to feel unutterably weary.
“Look, have you finished here?” He was suddenly restless and threw his fork down onto his plate with a clatter. He looked at his watch. “We should to get to the cottage and then I ought to take you home. You’re looking pale.”
I felt pale. And confused. He’d said he’d wanted to be with me on that Friday evening. He’d stayed with me instead of dashing off to sort out his father. And yet he’d accepted the London job. Perhaps it was time to ‘swan up to the guy and drag him off’? At least I’d know one way or the other about how he felt about me. But deep inside I knew I couldn’t do it. This man meant too much.
The cottage was hidden up some tiny steps, just off the seafront. It was, as Jack had said, in a bit of a state but I was too exhausted by now to take much in. I dusted off some debris from a window seat and collapsed upon it. I looked out, through windows bleary with sea salt, at the passing holidaymakers.
It didn’t take Jack long to do whatever it was that Jenny had asked of him and he soon joined me. He traced a pattern on the dusty windows for a moment, concentrating fiercely and then began talking in a rapid monotone. That his voice was so controlled took no edge off the savagery of the words.
“My father,” he began. “My father. You might as well know the full story. Before his drinking became really serious he had an affair with someone at work. Or should I say he seduced someone at work.” Jack gave me a quick, hard look. “He was managing director of an engineering firm back in Manchester. It was an American company and they had an absolute ban on anyone forming any sort of personal relationship within the management team.”
He sighed and looked down. His face was pinched with anger and unhappiness. He shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe the strain of the situation made Dad’s drinking worse. Who knows? By the time we found out he wasn’t making very much sense very often. What was worse was the girl was a trainee assigned to Dad. He was dismissed immediately, she lost her job too. It ruined them both. It ruined my family.” Jack’s voice rose, I’d never heard that note of desperate bitterness from him before. “He was supposed to look after her, train her up. He betrayed her trust Nicky. He betrayed everyone. My mother, my sister, me. I can’t forgive him that. I can’t ever forgive him for not having the self-control to keep his dick in his trousers. For not doing the right thing. I can’t forgive him for tearing my family and what was left of my childhood apart.”
Silence.
“Jack why are you telling me all this?” I managed eventually, into the frigid, dusty air.
He got up and walked restlessly back and forwards in front of me. He slammed into the corner of the shutter and swore profusely. It seemed to bring him back to my question.
“Why am I telling you this?” he snorted. “Well Nicky, so that you know what you’re dealing with. Throughout my life I’ve trained myself to be nothing like my father. I’ve disciplined myself to be in control, to be in charge of what I feel at all times.” He was almost sneering, his self-loathing evident. “But all it’s meant is that I’m no good to anyone. I can’t trust people. I can’t open up to them. I can’t even bring myself to praise them, most of the time.” He clutched a hand to his brow. “Why do you think I do what I do? Because I can’t stay in one school for any length of time and risk getting close to people. I can’t handle it, Nicky. I can’t get close to people.”
He paused and took a deep breath and looked up at the peeling plaster. More people passed by outside. I heard a group of them laugh, unaware of the drama unfolding in this sad little cottage. I could only watch one man. I didn’t understand any of this.
Jack looked at me straight in the eye, misery burning. “Jenny thinks I should just come out with it. Give it a go. But I’m scared shitless, Nicky.”
“What are you scared of?” It came out on a dry, cracked whisper.
“You. I’m scared of you. Because I haven’t got any control over how I feel for you.”
My heart thudded. “And how do you feel about me Jack?”
He came back to sit by me but looked down at the filthy floor. The muscle in his cheek was pulsing frantically. “Nicky, I’ve had relationships before. There was someone at college but that fizzled out when we got teaching jobs in different parts of the country. I went out with a friend of Jenny’s for a while but it was just sex I suppose.” He swivelled jerkily towards me and looked at me then. “I’ve never felt anything like I feel for you.” He moved nearer and cradled my face between his hands. I could feel his hot breath warming my face. His hands were trembling. “And I don’t know what to do about it.”
“I do,” I said and reached forward to kiss him. It was a gentle kiss, a tender one. His lips were cold but it only made it all the more exciting. After his initial shock he reacted and then savagely deepened the kiss. I drew away, taken aback at the ferocity of his response.
His eyes still screwed shut, he rested his forehead on mine and gave a long sigh. “I haven’t got anything to offer you.”
It was the emptiest declaration I’d ever heard. I began to die a little inside.
“It’s simple Jack. If we like each other, we spend time getting to know one another.” I whispered the banal words, trying to calm the situation. Surely this wasn’t how it should be – angry words hurled out in a sordid cottage?
“You still don’t get it do you?” He snarled so viciously that I flinched and shifted away. “It’s not just my pathetic failure to trust anyone, I’m your superior, your boss, for God’s sake. Your position in school was bad enough when there were only rumours about us. If people found out there was actually something going on how much respect do you think you’d have?”
I knew he was thinking about his father.
“But I think I’m falling in love with you, Nicky.”
He was falling in love with me! My head began to spin and I could feel my pulse beat erratically in any old rhythm.
Then cold reality slammed in.
He took to the floor again, pacing madly. “I’ve fought it all the way. God, do you know how much I’ve wanted you? And I can’t control it. I’ve tried to keep away from you but the more I tried the more you drew me back. I could kill any man who is allowed to touch you or even smiles at you. That time I saw yo
ur brother in the flat? I wanted to tear him limb from limb. Every time Rupert makes you laugh I could …” he paused, as if sensing the violence of his words. “And I’m so terrified of you that I’ve taken a job a hundred miles away.”
“That’s certainly going to make a relationship difficult.” I said it quietly but inside I was shrivelling. It was so unlike the romantic declaration I’d imagined that it made me suddenly angry. Up to that moment I hadn’t thought I was overly romantic. But I wanted the man I was in love with to declare his feelings with joy. To exalt in sweeping any barriers away, not to deliberately place more between us. I’d got to know the man now and I wasn’t sure I could cope with what I saw. I wasn’t sure I could give him what he
needed. I was overwhelmed with this new intense Jack in front of me. And he hadn’t even thought to ask how I felt about him.
He strode across the room with a desperate energy. He whirled around to face me. “Until you came into my life I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew exactly where I was going. I was earmarked for this government job months ago and now I don’t even know if I want it!” He pointed an accusing finger at me. “And then you come along and everything’s turned upside down. God it’s a disaster.”
“I’m sorry I’ve made your nice, ordered life such a mess,” I shot out through clenched teeth. I was beyond anger now. “There doesn’t seem to be much of a future for us, does there? Even assuming I feel the same way about you,” I added scornfully.
He paled.
I drew myself up and clutched some shreds of dignity around me for comfort. “So, just to get this straight; you think you love me, against your will and your better judgement. You refuse to take it any further because we’re working together and you’ve now taken a job on the other side of the country to avoid seeing me. You know Jack,” I said, desperation making me sarcastic, “When a girl is told a man has fallen in love with her she usually likes to be told it’s the best thing that’s ever happened. She usually likes a little romance, not to be told it’s ruined the man’s life. When I tell someone I love them I’ll make sure it’s the most wonderful thing they’ve ever heard.”
My voice finally broke, as tears threatened. I turned it into a cough. I stood up, glad that my legs still held and tugged my jacket to me. “And he certainly won’t be told of all the difficulties it’s caused.”
He looked stricken. “Nicky I’ve just been trying to do the right thing, to be honest. Oh God, I’ve made such a fuck up of this haven’t I? Nicky?”
“You could say that,” I responded, in horribly clipped tones. “I’ve heard enough for the moment. Perhaps Jack, you’d better take your own advice and keep our relationship on a strictly professional basis from now on. And now if you’re ready, I’d like to go home. I’m really not feeling at all well.”
He leaned back against the wall, heedless of the dust and grime smearing his suede jacket. He was ashen faced. “But I love
you!” He came to me then and tentatively touched my arm. “Nicky, what are we going to do?”
I couldn’t bear the hopelessness in his voice and softened. “I don’t know, Jack. I just don’t know.”
Chapter Sixteen
We didn’t talk much on the journey home. Jack had tried to talk to me, to explain further, but I didn’t want to listen. That he loved me had come as a revelation but the manner in which he’d told me had been a shock. As far I could see, if you love someone you don’t deliberately put obstacles in the way of that love but crash through them. And not only that, I knew Jack was committed to the London job for at least six months – could any embryonic feelings like ours survive a long distance relationship? But most importantly, could I deal with a damaged man like Jack? Could I give him what he needed, what he craved? Lulled by the motion of the car I’d eventually fallen into an uneasy sleep.
I took great pains to avoid any contact with Jack after our return from Dorset. I had too much to think about. And I had no one to talk it through with. Mum and Dad returned from Spain, full of stories of how wonderful it had been. Mum, in particular, was triumphant at her bravery in actually going. I didn’t want to spoil the jubilant mood by weighing them down with my problems. Mum was the most content she had been since I moved back. And while I knew it would last only until her next bout of depression, I knew she now had ways of coping - and support - to help her through.
Despite Ann’s best efforts, Rupert was still showing no interest in her, so she had enough heartbreak of her own to deal with. And I knew Bev would simply tell me to forget all about Jack Thorpe and just move on.
During the rest of the Easter holiday my brain turned the questions over and over ceaselessly, in a futile loop. What was it about Jack's manner of declaration that had offended me so? Was I really a penny dreadful romantic who wanted hearts and flowers, all offered on bended knee? My thoughts constantly strayed back to the passionate kiss. No man had ever kissed me quite like that. Remembering it, I felt my insides go liquid with desire.
I returned to work, at the start of the new term, feeling numb and looking awful. I blamed my appearance, when asked, on my recent illness. I avoided Jack and refused his many entreaties to talk.
Ironically, a few days into the Summer term, the weather turned cold and a freakishly late and heavy fall of snow began to come down in the afternoon. My Year Six pupils, made fractious by SATs revision and anxiety, were desperate to get out into it. It was my duty day so it was my decision about wet play. Rupert was due to come outside with me and I knew he wouldn’t mind getting cold and wet. I looked out of the window. In London I could hardly remember having snow. It just didn’t seem to happen. Thick flakes were now falling over the playground, transforming its grey dullness into a promise of excitement. I looked at my class. Their faces, made younger by the hope of some snow-filled fun, were shining in expectation.
“Please miss, we’ve worked ever so hard today,” whined Emily at her most persuasive.
I gave in.
Playtime was fun. Cold and wet, but fun. As Rupert and I made our way laughingly back into the school Jack strode out of his office, his face pale, his lips thinned.
“See me after school today Nicola,” he snapped out.
I bit my lip. Jack appeared to be as controlled as ever but the difference now being that I knew what lay underneath. And what it cost him to maintain it.
As it turned out I had a temporary reprieve. Jack had forgotten it was a staff meeting night and afterwards was holed up in a meeting with Angus and the Premises Committee.
I clamped down on my frustration – I was tired and wanted to go home. I tried to occupy myself by filling in the paperwork needed for the SATs, which I needed to submit soon. I then spent an unhappy hour trying to get the printer to work on the class pc. Impatient fingers pressing the print button too many times had caused a print jam. The fact that this time, the fingers were my own and not a child’s did little to improve my temper. I knew I wasn’t working efficiently and resented being swept up by Jack Thorpe.
Again.
As I walked along the corridor the only lights I could see on were the ones in the administration offices. I could just about hear the murmur of Mona talking on the ’phone and could see a sliver of light bleeding from underneath the closed door to Jack’s
office. Outside the snow had disappeared as quickly as it had come. There was even a smell of Spring in the air. A blackbird was singing; its tones, round and rich, lifting into the sky. Most of the other staff had more sensibly gone home into the chilly April night.
I took a deep breath and walked into the danger zone.
“Did you even bother to think about Health and Safety?” Jack began, without preamble.
He looked awful. His hair was disordered and his face thinner, with marked lines running from nostril to mouth.
“What? What do you mean?” I asked, genuinely puzzled.
Jack took an enormous breath and spoke as if talking to an imbecile. “Health and Safety, Nicola.” He stood, implac
able as ever, arms folded. “Didn’t you even think to ask me if it was safe to go out at play time?”
I stared at him in amazement. Was this all he wanted to see me about? The perilous hold on my temper began to slip. “Oh don’t be so ridiculous. It was only a bit of snow.”
“And if someone slips over and breaks their leg, or gets grit in their eye from a snowball, we’ll be liable. Did you think about that? Or were you too desperate to get out there with Rupert?” he snarled, viciously.
I didn’t respond. Now I knew what really lay behind his temper.
Jack strode to the window, as if desperate to escape, his hands clenched at his side. Then he rounded on me again, his face like thunder. “And is it true that you agreed to have Tony Sexton in as supply cover?” he asked menacingly.
Ah. I didn’t see that one coming. But this, I could not, I would not, let go. I was tired and worn out through having to deal with all this endless emotion but I was going to argue my case. My anger exploded to meet his head on. We stood close together, hurling out our frustration.
“You’re always saying – “
“I will not have that man in my school. Not under any circumstances. I forbid it Nicky.”
I looked up at him aghast. I hadn’t seen him like this, or heard this savagely autocratic tone since the early days of the Autumn term. I’d thought he had softened. Blood rushed to my head. I’m not entirely sure I knew what I was saying. I was certainly past thinking coherently.
“You forbid it? In your school? And there’s me thinking we ran this school together!” I added, resorting to sarcasm. “What harm can it do? We’re always desperate for supply cover, you know that. Tony knows the school, he knows the children. He’s experienced and I think he’d be a real asset.”
“An asset!” he yelled, in a crushing tone. “Oh yes, like he was before! Stirring things up with the parents! Openly defying me, going against every decision I made. On top of all that he was a lousy teacher!”