by Ben Smith
The fact that he was so open made me want to talk to him about what I’d been through, and he’s opened a lot of doors for other people to have similar conversations, which are often difficult conversations to have. We need more role models like Ben, helping young people realise that, actually, they don’t need to hide anything. I booked him for my company’s awards ceremony, and afterwards he said to me: ‘Why does everyone cry when I talk at events?’ He doesn’t realise how many people his story touches.
Ben has inspired me to be more driven, reassess my goals and test myself, because I now believe I can do more. I’m doing the London Marathon in 2018, and if there’s anything I can do to help with The 401 Foundation, I want to be involved, because it’s going to be such an exciting journey.
Chapter 16
When You Know, You Know
We were out having a meal when Kyle told me he was running the 2017 London Marathon. I’d finished the Challenge two months earlier and was having a bad week, and he wanted to cheer me up. I looked at him and said: ‘Why? You hate running.’ You will never get Kyle to do anything he doesn’t want to do, the more you push the more he’ll dig his heels in, so it’s best just to leave it. Nothing in this world is impossible apart from changing his mind. But his mum and dad had done all that running with me during the Challenge – Colin ended up doing 31 marathons, while I think I’ve got Pat addicted to doing half-marathons – and Kyle was the only one left in the family who hadn’t run one. I don’t know if he felt left out, and I don’t even think he did it for me. At least I hope he didn’t, I hope he did it for himself.
When he announced it, I thought we’d be able to go on all these amazing runs together. People were saying: ‘Oh my God, I’m so jealous, you’ve got the best trainer in the world!’ To which Kyle responded: ‘Stop right there! I’m not listening to him, I’m going to do things my way.’ We went out and ran together a few times, had a lot of arguments and I decided he was right, it was best he did it on his own. To be honest, he barely trained. We did do a 16-mile run, followed by a 20-mile run the following week, when he burst into tears after 17 miles. I thought he was laughing, so started laughing at him. If anyone saw us, they would have thought I was a complete bastard. But it was genuinely difficult to tell, because he can be very blasé at times, and very dramatic at other times. He’s either reclining on the floor or bouncing off the roof. But he went out and did it when it mattered.
We ran the London Marathon with our friend Hiten Vora, and some of the guys from BBC Radio 2’s Children in Need Magnificent 7 project. As we were coming around the top of the Mall, we saw Paula Radcliffe, Allison Curbishley and Steve Cram and they handed Kyle this big congratulatory chocolate cake. He obviously palmed it off on me, so I was running down the Mall, carrying this great big cake, and we eventually crossed the line in 5 hours, 55 minutes. It was just so surreal. I knew he’d do it, but at the same time I was thinking: ‘How the hell did he do that?’ It took the piss a bit; it took me a year to run my first marathon, it took him under four months.
Kyle says he’ll never do another one, but I was very proud of him. He supported me through everything I did, stuck by me during the aftermath, which couldn’t have been a lot of fun for him. He’s never once told me I can’t do something. He has great belief in me, his standards for me are very high. During the Challenge he travelled all over the UK with me, gave up his job and his PhD to help me, and now plays a huge part in the next phase. I’ve had an amazing relationship with his family and their friends, from the moment we met in a Mongolian yurt (which doubled as a very nice restaurant!) in Bristol. Kyle went through some tough times, coming out as gay when he was a kid, but his relationship with his mum and dad has always been strong. But I think it’s even stronger now that he’s with me and you can see how proud they are of who their son is and where he is in life.
••••••••••
Pat, Kyle’s mum: After The 401 Challenge finished, me and my friend Chez said: ‘What do we do now?’ People thought we’d just stop, but I can’t imagine not running now, which is kind of weird. We’ve done half-marathons since, lots of 10ks, and I wouldn’t have done any of that without Ben. He had that effect on a lot of people, just by saying: ‘Go out and do it.’ If you want to do something, it might not always work, but at least give it a good go. You might start off down one path, work out it’s the wrong path, take another path, and that will be the right path. Don’t dwell on that wrong decision, learn from it. Kyle was originally going to do his PhD in archaeology, but he decided he didn’t want to be studying it anymore, so went down a different path with Ben.
At the moment, it’s all about getting Ben going with the Foundation, but Kyle also knows where he wants to go and what he wants to do. He’s happy, I can see that. And that’s all we hope for, for them to make a home together and for them to be happy. When Kyle first met Ben, I said to Colin: ‘Can’t he just find somebody with a proper job?’ But Ben turned out to be far more interesting than somebody like that. People love him, absolutely love him, and he’s definitely brought us all closer together.
Colin, Kyle’s dad: Ben is just a very nice bloke, but also mesmerising. I’d never done a marathon before the Challenge. Not only did I do 31, but at one point I did four in seven days. I was only supposed to be driving him around, but when Kyle asked me what I was going to do while he was running, I said: ‘I’m not sitting in the car all day, I’ll run with him.’ He also has this gift that means you can sit and listen to him all day. You don’t meet many people like that in your life. He is able to convince people that they can achieve anything, and to be true to themselves. That’s a great message to be giving people, because a lot of people aren’t leading lives they want to be leading.
Ben has had a big effect on our family. For one, it costs me lots of money in trainers and running gear for Pat, rather than having to buy her new shoes. But he’s changed us in other ways. After we first met Ben, me and Pat were driving down to Cornwall, and there was a phone-in on the radio, about how life should be all about doing things you never thought you’d do. I turned to Pat and said: ‘I tell you something I never thought I’d do, meet my son’s boyfriend and have a night out with him!’ We didn’t expect that to happen, but things change, and sometimes you have to move in the direction your children move in. Kyle and Ben are both strong-willed people, but they complement each other very well. Kyle accommodates Ben, and Ben does the same for Kyle. That’s what happens when you meet the love of your life.
••••••••••
I have a loving relationship with Kyle. I can be completely me, he can be completely him, and that’s the foundation of any long-lasting relationship. I don’t care about holding his hand on the street or kissing him on live TV, because I’m proud of who I really am, and, for the first time in my life, I’m able to portray to the world who I really am. But neither of us sees ourselves as different from anyone else, just because we love a man. We have the most normal life together. He excites me, but also makes me frustrated and angry. He’s a complex person, although I think he likes to think he’s more complex than he really is. I’ve got him figured out now, and I don’t think he likes that! But he remains a challenge, and as you’ve probably worked out by now, I like a challenge. The thing I love most about him is his loyalty – I’ve never known anyone as loyal as him. He’ll stand by me and believe in me, no matter what.
He showed a massive amount of commitment to me, right the way through the Challenge. He’s not just like that with me, he’s like that with all his friends. He’ll put himself in the firing line for the greater good, and not many people are like that. To be fair, he’s selfish at times, but he’s selfless for the most part. He’s a worrier, he always wants to be sorting things out. He’s highly organised, which he likes to tell me a lot. He always thinks he’s better than me at things, which annoys me no end, but I also love him for it. He’s very impatient about certain things: if we’re in the car and somebody starts talkin
g on the radio, he’ll immediately switch it over. He’ll put a CD on and listen to 10 seconds of a song before turning it off and putting the radio on again. He’ll fall asleep on a long journey and when we arrive home, he’ll wake up and say: ‘That was an easy drive, wasn’t it?’ But even that’s endearing.
He’s very picky, he’ll find the smallest thing about something and write it off completely. We were looking around a house recently, and he suddenly said: ‘Salmon carpets. Don’t like it.’ I obviously said: ‘But we can change the carpets.’ And he said: ‘I’m not living in a house with salmon carpets…’ And that was that. His language can be very dramatic and expressive and he exaggerates a lot. He’ll come in the house and say: ‘Oh. My. God. It took me four hours to get to Bristol.’ And I’ll be like: ‘So, half an hour then?’ But that’s just something else I love about him. And, of course, I find him devastatingly attractive. All of which is why I asked him to marry me.
Some people think it’s really fast. They ask me: ‘How did you know?’ I just do. Saying it was the next logical step makes it sound very unemotional, but it was really. And he kept asking when I was going to propose. Kyle’s about as subtle as a brick. But I love him, he’s the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, and to say that in front of other people is important to me. I’d been planning the proposal for five months. He always wanted to go to New York, and I love the place. So I went and asked his mum and dad for permission, booked up the trip, and got a number of people on board from his work, because obviously he’d need some time off. I also had to have a word with his hairdresser, to coax him in, because he always said he wanted to look good when I asked him. In all, I got about 50 people involved. Everything was carefully stage-managed, but I decided to do it earlier than originally planned, because I wanted everybody who had been involved to be surprised.
A lot of people have asked how a marriage proposal works in a gay relationship. It’s like with any relationship: one person asks and the other person hopefully says yes. I put the plane tickets in a brown envelope and gave them to him in our living room. When he opened the envelope, he couldn’t read what it said. Things never happen like they do in the movies. He said: ‘What’s this?’ I said: ‘For God’s sake, read it! It’s tickets to New York!’ He said: ‘Why are we going to New York?’ I said: ‘Because I’d like you to marry me…’ He started wandering all over the flat, picking things up and putting them down again in random places. He just didn’t know what to do with himself. That only lasted so long. Within about an hour and a half of proposing, the whole guest list was sorted.
••••••••••
Kyle Waters, Ben’s partner: I knew something was going on, because Ben was acting a bit weird. And I kept asking people questions and they kept just smiling at me. But I was still quite shocked when he proposed. He had to ask me: ‘Is that a yes?!’ And I said: ‘Get down on one knee and ask me again…’ He did, I said yes and he started crying. I was a bit annoyed that about 50 people knew about it and I didn’t have a clue, but I knew I was going to marry him within a month of meeting him. It might sound corny, but when you know, you know.
I’d had a few boyfriends before, but Ben was something completely different. There are only certain people who can put up with me, and he’s one of them. What do I love about Ben? Everything. Ben is just Ben, and that’s why everyone loves him. He’s just such a genuine person and will give time to anybody. He’s a strong, confident character who sees the best in people. He likes to give people more than two chances, which I definitely don’t. He’s just a lovely, genuine, caring guy who wants to do something good in the world. He’s made me a better person, in part because I want to be a better person for him (although I feel the need to add that I don’t think he could have done what he’s done without me!). I should have quit archaeology years ago, because being a PA is something I’m really good at. I knew I was capable in that field, but it was Ben who made me act on it. That’s what Ben does for lots of people, makes them realise what they can achieve in life. He’s shown that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, even in the face of adversity. Don’t let anybody tell you that you can’t do something, because you can.
I knew Ben would finish the Challenge, even when his back went. Because of his stubbornness, he’s able to do absolutely anything. Running 401 marathons had a worse effect on his mental state than his physical state, but I was never really worried about him. There were times when things almost got on top of him, but I always knew he’d be strong enough to get through it. And if anything went wrong, I’d just sort it all out, because he didn’t need any added stress. I’m literally the most organised person in the world, and I wasn’t going to take any shit from anybody, because all I was worried about was making sure he completed the Challenge.
He lost his drive after the 401, and I found his depression difficult to relate to because I’ve never suffered with it. But I wanted to be a better person for him, so adapted and helped him through it. He’s a very inwards person, whereas I’m quite verbal – if something is pissing me off I’ll have a rant. He’s the constant in the relationship (apart from that period after the Challenge), whereas I’m more up and down. But he’s certainly more up and down than he was, because of the Foundation and Festival of Running and everything else he’s doing now, and the fact he’s doing it all on his own. I do think he takes on too much, but until we get investors, he’s not going to be able to employ anyone to help him out. But if anyone can do it on his own, it’s Ben.
I try to steer him away from being a gay role model, because I don’t think his sexuality had anything to do with The 401 Challenge. He does embrace his sexuality, but I don’t think it should be a defining part of his story. He’s a normal bloke, and ‘normal’ to me is about embracing everybody, whether they’re gay or straight or whatever. When I say he’s a normal bloke, I’m aware that to other people he’s amazing. I know he’s amazing, but I also know the real Ben. I see him when he’s being a little shit, when he’s having a meltdown or stressing about stuff or wound up or angry. He doesn’t show that side of himself to other people. It’s almost like he’s become a celebrity of sorts, in that he can’t truly be himself in public. I enjoy going to things like Pride of Britain and SPOTY. But he’ll never think of himself as a celebrity or put himself on a pedestal, he’ll always just see himself as Ben. Sometimes I say to him: ‘Ben, you are inspirational, that’s why they’re giving you this award.’ He forgets how special he is.
••••••••••
We had a phenomenal time in New York, walking miles, doing all the usual touristy stuff. It’s not like I felt I had to give him something in exchange for what he’d done for me, it wasn’t a tit-for-tat thing, but I wanted him to know how much I valued him as the love of my life and my soulmate. For so many years, I never thought it would be something I’d do. I was resigned to living that life that I had before. Five years ago, I’d be driving into Portishead, fantasising about what my life would be like if I was an openly gay man. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have anything like I have now, because that’s not what I thought gay people could have. I thought being gay was to be ostracised, to be different, to be unhappy in life. But I feel like I have the luckiest life in the world. I’m leading what I can only describe as the most normal life I’ve ever lived, and those days of doubt seem so far away. That’s one hell of a five-year plan.
We’ve found a wedding venue but it’s booked out for 2018, so we’re looking at September 2019. We’ve decided we don’t want kids, so we’re going to get two dogs instead – a Labrador and a Border Terrier. I’d like to buy our own home. Other than that, I don’t really know what married life will look like. I just know it will be happy and challenging, for me and for Kyle. So far, my life with him has lived up to how I imagined it would be on those drives. It’s exactly how I wished it would be, as if all my dreams have come true.
Chapter 17
A Nice Place To Be
It frustrates me when people say: ‘I can’t do that.’ Everybody has something incredible inside of them, they just have to find out what it is. I could have quite easily stayed in that job that was draining my soul, chasing those big bucks, living in that big house, driving that big car, paying into that pension plan, taking those two holidays a year I was too stressed to enjoy, but I chose to get rid of it all, because my happiness was worth more to me than all of it. It’s all about creating your own version of success, not adhering to what society tells you success looks like. It took me a long, long time to work that out, and it was bloody hard at times, because some of the choices I made were uncomfortable. I found happiness eventually, but only after a long, hard slog.
When you’re on holiday, you’ll always hear people say: ‘I’m dreading going back to work.’ Obviously, that means they’re not happy at work. But they’ll go back anyway, moan about it for the next six months, before going on holiday again. And then they’ll spend the last few days of that holiday moaning about having to go back to work again. You hear it all the time in the corporate world: ‘Find out what makes you happy!’ They’re right when they say that, but hardly anybody does. It takes guts, and so many of us have lost our adventurous spirit, our ability to dream. That’s why far too few people find out what makes them truly happy. We’re all a bit like lemmings, eager to please, following everybody else, so that many of us end up falling off a cliff. The key is taking steps to change your situation. I used to have moments when I was pretending to be something I wasn’t, when I’d say: ‘I wish I could do this, I wish I could do that.’ And I’d never actually do it. But I don’t think like that anymore because I made a life to fit me, rather than trying to squeeze myself into an ill-fitting life. If anything, my life has gone too crazy. I wake up every morning thinking: ‘Why don’t we do this? Why don’t we do that?’ I have so many ideas whirring around my head that I can’t keep up with them. But better to create your own crazy life than have an unhappy life created for you.