by Ariana Rose
“You need to stop torturing yourself, Julian.”
I blink hard. I need her to come into clearer view. The breeze picks up and moves my hair again. It feels like her fingers. “How much scotch did I drink?”
“Jules, you promised me. You, in actual words, and in the thoughts you sent to me. You promised me you wouldn’t give up.” Those reminders are like a slap in the face.
A drop hits the back of my hand… then another… then another. Has it started raining?
“Julian, Quinn and your father…my father… they are changing you, baby, and not in a good way.” The voice becomes closer, louder even.
“Lainey, I can’t do it. I have no fight left in me. I don’t have anyone to stand with me. I can’t ask Mom to. I can’t torch her safety too.” I feel more drops hit my hand and my face.
“You do have fight, dammit! I’ve seen it again. Julian… fight for her. Not against her, but for her.”
“Her?” I ask.
“Alexandra, Julian. I’m talking about Alexandra. She’s beautiful”—I can hear a smile behind the words— “and she’s got your number.”
“You’ve seen her? Been watching us?”
“Of course I have. I told you once that no matter what, I’d never leave you.”
“But you did, Lainey. I made you leave.” Finally, her form comes into clearer view, and she kneels at my side. Her dark blonde waves drop down, just over her shoulder. Her delicate hand… the ring… our ring still sparkles on her finger. She’s dressed in all white and her skin blends in, just dusted in pale pink. She’s still perfect. Diesel raises his head and sniffs the air, his ears perking up.
“Julian Joseph Stone, you didn’t cause the accident. It was just that—an accident. I don’t blame you. Stop blaming yourself, and live! Live for both of us!”
I finally realize what the drops are. I’m crying. “I don’t know how.”
“Baby, you do. You’ve been doing it. It’s just been a secret. I saw you singing. I saw you in Savannah. I saw you at the ocean. I was with you both in Minneapolis. I’ve seen you with her everywhere.” Another subtle gust blows in again. “You love her, Julian, and she loves you. She told you how much.”
“No…I can’t love her.”
“Oh yes. Yes, you can, and you do. You can love her…it’s okay. If it can’t be me, she is someone I would choose for you. I know you think you are protecting her by walking away right now. But the two of you are in more pain apart than you could ever be together.”
I lean forward, dropping my head into my hands. “I miss you so much I can hardly breathe.”
“But Julian, you are breathing. Just let it happen. Tell her. Go find her; make this right for both of you and never let her go.”
The wind whirls across my balcony like a small tornado and Diesel barks. It startles me from my thoughts, and I look up. “Lainey, I….”
But I’m alone on my balcony. As quickly as I felt her, she’s gone. I look down at my arm. There is an imprint… a mark. My skin is warm to the touch. Not the kind of warmth that comes from the sun, but that from the loving hand of someone. Was she here? Did she ever really leave?
I close my eyes one more time and turn my face to the sun. “Lainey… I love you. I always will.”
THE LAST FOUR days have been some of the longest of my life. There have been so many decisions to make. I told my building manager I wanted to break my lease as soon as possible. I told Becca I decided to go home and was honest about why. I remember how postal she was when I told her about Hunter. This was worse. She was here and couldn’t get near Hunter to defend me. Julian was in her chair every day. She did her best, but he knew. He knew where she stood in spades. I told her to let it go because it wouldn’t help anything. There’s nothing that can help me at this point.
I stayed out until Thursday, but there was no way they could film the last scene or finish organizing the wrap party without me. That was my baby. We rented out Magnolia Hall in Piedmont. It was easy for me to get on short notice and was stunning. The irony of being so close to many of my firsts with Julian wasn’t lost on me either. It seems fitting now that the place of firsts would be where I say goodbye to him.
The night began early. I went home after all the tables and buffet were set to get dressed. The boxes were lining my hallway. I left one dress out. It was green, the same color as the stone in his ring. I stood in front of my mirror and the unfortunate part of the reflection looking back at me was I’d seen that look before. The emotions, though, were never more different. I didn’t love Hunter when I left. I still love Julian.
For hours at the party, I watch. I watch him across the room, standing so close to her. I watch her drape over him, hanging onto his every word. I watch her flash that ring to people over and over. It’s making it so I can hardly breathe.
It should not have to be like this. Everything is coming to an end. It’s over. All the time we spent in Savannah, me literally holding him up, him holding me up, our confessions in Minneapolis. It feels like it meant nothing. Quinn got what she wanted. She got him. She was able to pull him into her web and he won’t try to break loose. He’s chosen to be her puppet, her dad’s puppet, his dad’s puppet. The thought of it makes me physically ill.
I can feel the walls closing in again. I hand Becca my glass. “I need air. I need to get out of here right now. This is too much for me.”
She nearly drops it in my haste. “Are you all right? You look green, and I’m not just talking about your dress. Do you want me to come with you?”
“No Becs, I have to go.” I look back over toward Quinn and Julian once again. “I have to go it alone.”
I start to turn to run out the door but even at the last second, across the crowded party, we connect eyes. The whole world fades for that brief second. I can scarcely hold back the tears as I turn for the French doors at the back of the space to the patio. The night air greets me mercifully as I step on to the pressed concrete. There are too many people out here even. I hope they can’t see what I feel. The moon shines bright over the lake and the gazebo, our gazebo. It’s as if it is guiding me there one last time. I hold on to the rod iron and press my forehead against it. I feel trapped. I’m trapped in my emotions, but I’m not ready to let them go either.
***
I watch her toss open the French doors to free herself from the pain. I can feel how badly she’s hurting from here. Of the thousands of thoughts racing through my mind, the one that sticks are Lainey’s words. ‘You can love her. It’s okay. If it can’t be me, she is someone I would choose for you.’
I love Alexandra. I do.
I feel a hand at my back. I reach up and find the delicate touch of my mother.
She whispers in my ear, “It’s the lovely girl in the green dress, isn’t it?
“What?”
“Your forever.”
“Yes Mother, that was her.”
“Why are you still standing here? Go after her.”
I turn, give her a smile, and kiss her cheek. There are no other words to be said. I try and skillfully weave away through the crowd to her, until I feel another hand on my arm, pulling from the side. This touch is not so delicate. It’s one of possession.
Quinn barks, “Just where do you think you’re going?”
I peel her hand from my arm. “Quinn, I have to go.”
“What do you mean, go?” she shrieks. “You can’t leave now. This is our party. The main attraction can’t leave.” She gives her patented fake smile for her sheep standing around us.
“No, it’s not!” I shout. “It’s a wrap party. You know, for everyone. The fact that you can’t see that is—” I stop mid-sentence. “I’m done with this conversation.” I lean in close but speak loud enough for the flock to hear. “I am done with you!”
She bites back, “You’ll never be done with me. No one is ever done with me, especially with family on my side.”
I growl, “Don’t ever speak to me like you know or care about what fa
mily is! Do what you need to do, Quinn. Your father can go to hell. My father can go to hell. You can go to hell.”
I slam what’s left of my drink down on a passing tray and weave again through the remainder of the crowd. I pull off this damn tuxedo tie and unbutton the top button of my collar.
Rebecca stops my forward progress to the door as a line of defense.
“Where did she go?” I demand.
She crosses her arms. “Which ‘she’ would we be talking about?” Her reply oozes with extra venom.
I growl back, “Don’t play fucking games with me right now. Alexandra. Where is Alexandra?”
“She left, Julian. She left the party and as of tomorrow, leaving the city. You destroyed her.” She motions to the back doorway, sipping hard on her champagne. “If your goal is to finish her off, she’s outside.”
“What do you mean, she left? She’s leaving?”
“She said she needed air and went out the back.” I hear an irritated sigh before she continues, “You’re really slow. She did ask to be alone, but if you want to say goodbye, this might be your only shot. She’s on a plane tonight after the party. As bad as Minneapolis is for her right now, she didn’t want to sit here and watch the train wreck that is you, Quinn, and this bullshit engagement. Respect that, Julian! I know respect and honesty have become foreign concepts to you.”
“You don’t know what I’ve been dealing with because if you did, you wouldn’t speak to me like that nor would you be standing here wasting my time by scolding me like a child. I will not leave her alone.”
I gently brush past her in my race for the French doors. I burst through them, looking around wildly, left...then right. I end up settling on an image in the center. I’d know her frame in an instant.
“Alexandra!”
***
It’s like everything became slow motion. I turn my head when I hear my name. I see him charging toward me. I can’t have him touch me. Not again. Out of self-preservation, I peel off my heels and begin to run. I’m able to weave through the iron tables and chairs, and down the ivy-covered ramp next to Magnolia Hall.
His voice pleads, “Alexandra...stop!”
I can’t. I can’t stop. I can’t bear to be near him and not be near him anymore.
“Alexandra, please!”
I take off around the rest area and past the children’s playground. I have a choice; I can either run toward home or over the bridge crossing the lake to the gazebo. Our gazebo. How fucking poetic. Neither is an option I want. My heart can’t take either place. They are both places we shared our firsts. I choose the gazebo, hoping he has the compassion to stay clear.
“Alexandra! For the love of God…stop!”
His pained plea and my aching feet grind me to a halt. I can’t face him. His footsteps race in quickly then slow to a step at a time. I can feel his eyes staring through me from behind, and I hear the panic in his breath.
“Alexandra? Please, please look at me.”
“No!” I sob. The tears run like rain off my cheeks. I hear him come closer. I feel the ghost of his hand. I take another step away, resting my hand on one of the pillars to help hold me steady.
He begs, “Alexandra, please look at me.”
I shake my head defiantly. “You really don’t want me to. I don’t need your pity, Julian. That’s worse.”
He begs again, “Pity? Is that what you think this is? Alexandra, I can assure you it’s not. Yes, I want to see you. I do.”
I face him with a defeated fury. My shoulders roll forward, my hands collapse with a puff against my full skirt. “Why? Why should I? So you can see me like this?” I turn my head up so our eyes finally meet. My tears are blinding. “This! This is what you’re doing to me!”
His brow furrows as if he was just punched. I can hear him choke back his own tears when he speaks. “Please don’t cry.”
“I cry all the time now. I cry when I am with you. I cry when I am not with you. I cry even harder when I see you with her. I can’t do this anymore, Julian. I just can’t.”
“Don’t say that...” His voice. It sounds like the night on the beach. “Please don’t say that.” He closes the gap between us and hovers his hand over my shoulder again, but I don’t move. He keeps talking. “You are the one last good and true thing in my life. Please. Please don’t pull away from me.”
After fighting with myself about fifty times in less than a second, I don’t allow him to touch me. It would be too much. I take a deep breath to find my words. “I have to, Julian. I’ve decided to go home. I called my father. He’s got a job at his office waiting for me.”
“Home? Atlanta is your home. Minneapolis is not your home anymore. No! You can’t leave!”
My voice is so quiet I wouldn’t even hear it, except for I’m screaming inside. “It’s for the best, Julian. It will be less complicated for you, and I won’t die a little inside every day, watching you with her.”
He rakes his hands through his hair. “This is not how it’s supposed to be.”
“Maybe not, but this is how you made it. You chose.” We stand, silent and still. All noise around us has ceased. All I can hear is my heart finishing its break. After an eternity of staring at him through tears and silent sobs, I finally say the words I’ve been dreading since this all began. “Julian… this is goodbye.”
His lips part as if he’s going to speak, only his breathing quickens. He takes one step, then another, and before I can walk away, he quickly pins me against the pillar. It’s the same pillar as that night in the rain. He takes my face in his hands with such ease and care, and then his lips are on mine. They are pleading with me, begging me not to go, and savoring what feels like our last moments.
I drop my shoes to the concrete. My hands slide inside his jacket and up his back, and my fingertips press into his skin. We are all hands and lips. He moans against me. It takes all that I have to pull back for air; I literally and figuratively can’t breathe. His hands are back on my face, holding me like I’m the most precious thing he has.
He nuzzles my nose with his. “I love you, Alexandra. I. Love. You!” He pulls back just enough to look into my eyes and I watch a tear roll slowly down his cheek. “I’ve learned that people will often forget what you say. They may even forget what you do, but they will never forget how they make you feel. You asked me to feel again. You make me feel again. Not her, that’s over. Hell, it never should have started. I need you with me as my forever. Alexandra, marry me? Will you marry me now? Tonight?”
My bottom lip quivers. I open my mouth, but no words come out. He pulls his right hand between us and slides the ring I gave him off his finger. He takes my right hand in his left and slides it onto my finger. “I know it’s not a diamond…”
To some, this ring might not be what they dreamed of. To me, to us, it means he is taking control, he’s finally choosing himself. He’s taking a risk, a risk with me. I put my finger up over his lips. “Yes. It’s perfect.”
“Yes, you’ll stay? Yes, you’ll marry me tonight?”
“Yes, Julian. Yes, I will stay and yes, I’ll marry you. Just not tonight. I want my dad with us when we do.”
“Well, it looks like we’ve just had the first compromise of our marriage.”
I smile. “I love you, Julian.”
“I love you, Alexandra.”
Fantasy can become reality
No Stone Unturned
Book Two of The Stone Series
Coming Soon
Thank you for taking the first of many trips with Julian, Alexandra, and myself. They are a part of me and I hope now a part of you. Putting yourself out into the universe like this is a scary venture and I thank you for taking the chance on a rookie. This debut would not have been possible if not for the help and support of many.
First, I want to thank Becki. She and I had several conversations at the beginning of this process. She was as encouraging and supportive of this idea as she has been with everything I’ve ever tried in our over
thirty years of friendship. She helped place the car on the right track with prayer and guidance. I will always be grateful.
Becki led me to my next thank you, Lori. She is seasoned with so much knowledge. She gave me a great writing boot camp and I learned so much.
Thank you to my editor, Jenn Wood from All About The Edits. She nailed the process and made my book sing. Thank you!
Thank you to my cover designer and brand specialist, who is also my baby sister, Beth Gould. She developed my cover and it was exactly what I wanted on the first try. It was like you knew what was in my head. Thank you, B-Nut!
My next thank you goes to Nazarea, Alyssa, and the wonderful staff at InkSlingerPR. They took a risk on me and mere words cannot describe that feeling. Thank you for your dedicated hard work. It did not go unnoticed or unappreciated.
Thank you to Just Write. Creations for making my book look beautiful.
Thank you to my amazing Beta team! They gave me so much food for thought and some even pinch hit at the last minute. You all were so kind and made the process easy.
Thank you to a very special set of young ladies at MFSC. You encourage me every day in our mutual love for the ice. You were some of the first I told I was doing this and you always encouraged your “Mom” with enthusiasm and love. You’re all special to me and I love you all.
Thank you to my team at my full-time job. K, M, S, K, D…. You ladies are amazing! You spent countless hours listening to my woes, feeding me sugar to keep me going, supporting me in the hard times and encouraging my success. I share part of this with you.
Thank you to my husband, my 19 for all her extra nuggets for the playlist and my 9 for his extra kisses for happy writing. All the extra chores at home, lights left on late, dinners you made instead of me…. all of it. Thank you for allowing me the time and space I needed to start chasing this dream.