“I’m not running. I bought a house for the love of God… I have a contract with a local magazine that requires me to take local pictures… I’ve made an appointment to see a shrink, and yes I can commit,” I respond louder than I was prepared to.
“Oh really, so you can commit to love?”
“You have to have someone to love first before you can commit to that, or did you forget to read that memo.”
“You had it, and just admit that you screwed up. You’re so afraid to let anyone get close that you can’t deal with it.”
I move my hands around the table as I respond, “Is this my friend speaking, or the one who’s controlled by hormones? Because I need to know before I respond to you.”
“This is both sides of me speaking.”
“Well, in that case, let me explain something… Stop with it all! Stop pushing me and Brody together as that ship sailed a long time ago. Stop forcing me to deal with my feelings when I want to bury them. Stop… Just stop, Zara! I love you, but right now I don’t need this,” I say and stand. I was so caught up in the argument with Zara that I didn’t notice Hatcher and Brody enter.
“Thank you for dinner, but it’s time for me to go home,” I say, staring at Zara before I turn to walk out. Just as I reach the door, I hear Brody behind me.
“Let me walk you home.”
I don’t respond, right now I can’t speak. I just need to get out of here. The whole way home I can hear Brody match my footing as we walk along in silence. I’m fighting the tears that want to break out like a volcano wants to erupt. Never in all the years has Zara and I had that intense of disagreement. Even when we were in New York, it was different. This was pain being lashed out at me… This is not how I pictured tonight going.
My steps slow as I reach my driveway, and silence waves through the air. Not one cricket, bird, or car is making a sound in the neighborhood. It’s just the air that surrounds us both at the moment. I step forward and stop before I turn around. When I face Brody, my world comes crashing down, and I finally allow the emotions, stress, and fear to overcome me.
Slowly, I fall to the pavement as I try to breathe. My chest is heavy like a ton of bricks are sitting on top of me. Tears finally escape as I can no longer hold them back. Covering my face with my hands so that he doesn’t see me like this, I feel the soft touch of his hands grab mine so he can look at me. This is what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to witness the look on his face again when I have a breakdown. Brody wears his emotions openly, and right now I can tell from the way he’s looking at me that this is breaking him just as much as it is me. His eyes are glistening as he’s trying to hold back his feelings. His lips are pulled tightly in a straight line for fear of saying something he doesn’t want or need to. In my mind, this is just another reason he doesn’t need me. I’m as unstable as they come.
“Come on, let’s get you inside before the neighbors see.”
“Just leave me, Brody. I can do this alone.”
“Yep, looks like you’re doing a fine job to me. Now get up, or I’ll carry you inside.”
I hesitate for just a moment then stand reluctantly against the will that I have to just lay my tired body against the cold pavement. I know he’s right that the neighbors will all be snapping a picture of the poor single girl having a complete meltdown, but I just don’t care. Maybe this is what I need, maybe I need to just flip my shit and get over it?
Brody places his hand on my lower back and guides me to my front door. As we approach, I turn to him and let him know that I’ll be fine and he can go now. He hasn’t been inside my new home, and the last thing I need is for him to leave his man scent all over the place. This is my safe zone, my hideout from reality. Once he passes over this threshold, it’s all gone.
“Open the door, Frankie,” he says with a deep grumble, causing my shoulders to slump forward in defeat.
As I unlock the door, I wonder how I surrounded myself with pushy people. Why is it that a girl can’t have a breakdown in private? I mean, he chose to follow me home; I didn’t ask for that. We walk in and for the first time in our lives, I feel uneasy—which has never been the case when I’m near him. It’s like he has an inside view to my new reborn life that I’m creating here alone.
Watching him look around at the place causes butterflies to swarm my insides. I haven’t done anything really with the place, so it’s not much to look at. It’s more the way he’s looking at everything. The way his eyes are currently glowing at the wall in my living room. A set of four prints that I’d taken on a trip to Myrtle Beach of the beach hang above the sofa. It’s another moment in my life that I enjoyed, captured, and want to share with visitors. The downside to this is Brody was with me when I took them. We’d been chasing each other along the shore for hours before the sunset. Once the sun started to fall, it was time to pull out my camera and capture the beauty of the sky. The hues of orange, violet, and an amber yellow dance across the walls with the waves churning against the water as they come crashing to the shore.
Brody moves closer to look at them, almost as if he’s seeing them for the first time. I follow his steps and stand near him in silence as I know we are both remembering that time. It was the first time we took our friendship to the next level, the first time we shared a kiss. At times, I can still close my eyes and think back to that evening. His lips were soft, and the way they embraced mine was enough to cause the waves to still. It was like nothing around us was moving when we crossed that line. The universe had stood still for just a moment as we basked in the emotions that were grabbing ahold of each other.
“I’m glad to see you still have them,” he says so softly I barely hear him.
“I love them, and they remind me of happier times,” I respond, but after I say it I realize I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
Brody turns toward me so we are face to face and raises his hand to slide my fallen hair behind my ears. “Do you think we will ever be like that again? How we were that day on the beach before it all went to hell?”
I swallow a little louder than intended before I speak. “I don’t know if we can go back, you know with the history and all. Plus, things are different now.”
“I know, I just wish I could go back and fight harder for you; maybe it would’ve turned out differently.”
“You couldn’t have fought any harder than you did, Brody. It was me, and it’s the way this is. We just have to figure out how to move forward and make this work as friends.”
“That’s the thing, Frankie, I don’t know if it’ll ever be just friends. Even when I’m with Mary Beth, it’s you that I think about. It’s this face that I see in my dreams. This smile that I want to wake up to each morning, and the one I want in my life no matter what obstacles we endure. Until you realize that, friends it will have to be. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.”
He finishes his words and leans forward to place a soft kiss on the top of my head before he pulls away and walks away from me. Brody just shed light on his feelings to me once again and left before I could respond. Honestly, I don’t know if I would’ve been able to tell him something like that back. I know my heart breaks each and every time I see him, but the connections from that to my brain are wired wrong.
The door clicks shut, and I quickly lock it behind him and head to the safety of my bedroom where I can cover my head and sleep the rest of the evening away. I know I should get back to work since it’s only eight, but my head is nowhere near work capacity at the moment. I need to mend my heart tonight before anything else. I can’t even process Zara and her outburst. Hell, I know she’s right, but it still cut me to the core to hear it from her.
Chapter 5
Tossing and turning all night, I finally give in and toss the blankets off and jump out of bed. A quick glance at the clock, I notice it reads five-forty-five in the morning. I slip on my thin black robe and make my way to the kitchen. Hitting the button on the coffee pot after I place a pod of tea in the top, I swipe through
my phone. Emails from my editor asking how the project is going and when they can expect the first glance of proofs fill my box. It wasn’t like one email would’ve been enough; apparently in this case it required THREE. Not the way I wanted to start my day, especially after being sleep deprived.
With a change of pace, I tap the square blue box for Facebook and scroll through my newsfeed. I notice Natasha posted a selfie last night with Diesel and Cassidy. This brings a happy smile to my face as I’m beyond excited for them. That’s one relationship that at first I didn’t understand, but now there’s nothing to understand. It’s simple for them, and it’s what she needs.
I keep scrolling for a little longer after pouring my creamer in my mug. No reason to go to the office just yet as I’ll need another cup before I start. I stop on a post that Zara made and read the quote, ‘Every girl has that one guy, she has a crush on forever.’ I don’t need to look into it. I know that was posted for me and only me. That’s Zara… She gets stuck on something and can’t look past it. I just have to figure out a way for her to get over the Brody situation.
Before I make the next cup of tea, I set my alarm on my phone for this afternoon. I need to make sure I have plenty of time to shower and get to the city for my meeting today. At first I was going to ask Zara to go with me for support on the first one, but after last night that ship has left port.
I drum my fingers against the granite countertop as I wait for the second cup to brew, and think about sending my daily good morning text to the girls. I blow it off as I’m not in the mood to answer questions or play nice with them. Instead, I finish making my tea and wonder back toward my office.
Setting the cup down, I turn on everything and wait for it to warm up. It won’t take long this morning as I only have a few things left to do, and then I can happily send them all over to get the magazine off my back. For the next few hours, this is my focus; this is what I have to get done before I can do anything else today.
Before I know it, my alarm is buzzing away, reminding me that it’s time to become human and get my crap together. I lean back in my chair and admire my work for the day. I’m satisfied with how everything turned out and to the point where I can finally send them off. It ended up taking longer than I’d expected, which I’m thankful that I set the alarm or I’d sit here all day and tweak them until they were beyond tweaking.
I open my email on the second monitor and open a new message box. Quickly I compose the body and attach a link for the DropBox folder where all the prints are saved. The size and amount of pictures will be too big to email over; unless I wanted to send about ten emails that is. This is the quickest way to do it, and a better process for all involved. After hitting send, I close out my programs and stand to stretch.
Quickly I look at my phone so I can read the messages that I’ve ignored while working. I respond to Morgan confirming that I’d love to tag along and look at wedding dresses with her, and then Natasha to confirm that I am alive and just working. Zara’s message I read a few times and think on what I should respond with.
Zara: I’m sorry for my outburst last night, and I hope you forgive me. I just want you happy, and I have to come to terms that it might not be Brody. Call me later, and I love you.
I’m not responding back yet; I’ll do that later as she needs to wait it out a little more. I have just enough time to shower, dress, and make it to the hospital by four.
Rushing out the door, I stop abruptly at the side of my car when I hear laughter coming from a few houses down in the opposite direction of Zara’s. I lift my sunglass to get a better view, and I wonder to myself if that’s Evan, the neighbor, or a sitter playing with the little blond-headed boy running around with a football in his hands. Just as I bring my glasses down, he turns around, and I’m thankful to have my eyes covered. I do the up and down glance of his body, taking in the way his jeans form to his body, the way his shirt moves with his muscular chest. Finally landing on his features—from his face that I can make out. His unruly dirty blond hair hangs down in his face a little. It’s not too long, but just enough to cause you to think he needs a trim. The way the scruff from not shaving in a few days’ lines his rigged jaw line, and the smile that greets me from ear to ear in my direction. I admit, I might not be ready for a relationship, but I’m not blind. Plus, I can ogle a good looking man if I want to. I offer a quick wave and smile in return before I jump inside my car and crank it up.
Putting the car in reverse, I try my best to not glance back in his direction as I don’t want to be considered the staring neighbor who might be drooling over the new guy, but I can’t help it since a car is passing behind me. He’s stopped tossing the ball with who I guess to be his son, and is watching me closely causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand at attention. With the coast clear, I back out the rest of the way and toss my car into drive. If I thought going to this party was going to be a bad choice before, now I know it’s truly a bad decision. Not just for me, but these ladies around here are going to be dropping to their knees for this man. Lord please let that be his brother that’s playing with his son and not the new neighbor. Please have him overweight, balding, and smelling of moth balls…
I find a parking spot pretty easily, and take notice that I have thirty minutes to get upstairs and find the meeting room. On the walk over to the elevators, I feel my stomach drop to the deep pits of darkness that I have. My palms are sweaty, and I feel jittery. I ate lunch so I know this isn’t from not eating. It’s my nerves and another reason I should’ve looked past my issues and asked one of the girls to come with me. I hate going to new places with a bunch of people I don’t know.
I always think strangers are judging me, but the doctor assured me that each of us at this meeting suffer from the same condition. He made sure to explain to me that some are mothers, some are going through infertility treatments, and some are facing life-changing conditions that no women should have to face yet. With my shoulders back and my head held high, I march toward the open doors where I see a room full of women standing around talking. My feet come to a halt right before they cross over to the unknown, allowing my eyes to dart around the room. I notice a few ladies that I’ve seen in the office before, my doctors nurse, and off to the right of the room is my doctor speaking with another gentleman who could possibly be a doctor since he’s wearing scrubs. “Now or never,” I say low enough that only my ears could hear the mini pep-talk.
There’s a book on a table with a sign that says—Sign in here. I make my way over to it and fill in my information. There’s a few pamphlets surrounding the space on the table, and I take one of each. I have no idea what they say on the front, but heck, I might need them so why not save them for a day when I want to read them. I mean, it’s not like I don’t know how screwed up I am on the inside. Do I really need to read them and make myself feel worse than I already do on a daily basis? No, but since I can feel my doctor boring holes in me, I do what is expected of me and take them.
“Frankie, so glad you could make it today. This is our new partner, Dr. Cam, and he’s going to be our speaker. I think you’ll find it pretty informative as he’s going to explain the surgery that we’ve been considering for you,” he says, and Dr. Cam thrusts his hand out in my direction.
I hesitate for just a moment, taking his into mine and offer a smile along with, “That’s great, I look forward to hearing more about it since I’ve still not decided what route I want to take.”
Dr. Cam pulls his hand back and stuffs it in his jacket before he responds, “Well, if you have any questions or want to talk more, just let me know after the class. I’d be happy to answer any questions.”
“Thank you, I’ll let you know. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to browse and find a seat,” I say with a nod in both of their directions.
I take a look around the room as I try to find the perfect seat to spend the next hour or so in. I don’t want to be in the very front row, back, or the middle… See, this is me over analyzing ev
erything. I need to make sure that I’m lost in the middle, but where I can still see and hear everything. I settle for the sixth row from the front but about six seats over from where the podium rests.
Situated in my seat, I allow myself to take in the room. Noticing the different age ranges of women. There’s a few young girls who appear to be with their mothers, and it makes me wonder if they are here for themselves or support for their moms.
I jump in my seat when the person next to me sits down and announces, “Hi, I’m Renee, and you are?”
“Hi… I’m Frankie,” I say with a forced smile as I try to calm my racing heart down. Dang, I’m getting jumpy the older I get, or is it this place that’s making me that way?
“First time here, huh?”
“Yes, you?”
“Nope, I’m a frequent flyer; most of us are usually here some more than others.”
“That’s nice,” I say.
“So, why are you here?”
“Umm… Same as you; why are you here?”
“Oh, I come for the hot doctors and cookies. So, if that’s why you’re here, I won’t judge,” she says and turns around in her seat facing forward.
“No, that’s not why… I’m here because my doctor thought it would be good for me to come.”
“Same here, just thought I’d break the ice… You looked like you were about to pass out, but hey, don’t get me wrong; the cookies are good, and usually the doctors are nice to look at.”
“I’ll give you that one… I mean on the pass out feeling.”
“It’s not so bad. We won’t make you drink blood or anything like that; well not until after your thirty-day mark,” Renee says, nudging me in the shoulder causing me to let out a laugh.
Heated Sweets (A Taste of Love Book 3) Page 4