“You alright? You haven’t said a word, and I can hear your breathing.”
“I’m fine.”
“Frankie, talk to me. Don’t shut me out and run away from this.”
“I’m not running,” I say and turn my head to look at him.
“That’s because you’re stuck in this elevator for another second.” He tightens his grip on my hand as if he’s afraid that as soon as the doors open I’m going to bolt out of here faster than Flash on a mission. I’m not sure if it’s because he senses that I need a moment or what, but Evan doesn’t speak again until we get into the car. He cranks it up, turning the a/c on full blast before shifting in his seat toward me.
“Talk to me, don’t shut down.”
“I’m processing… Questioning… Worrying….”
“Let’s start with what you are processing. Are you trying to figure out the surgery? I can explain that as I took great mental notes.”
“No, I feel like I’ve guilted you into this. I’m flipping crazy for thinking that I can go through this and boom have a baby with a guy who has a son and I’m not even married to. Come on, Evan, look at this for what it is… I’ve officially lost my mind. Instead of running, I just took a leap so far down the rabbit hole that I can’t return from this.” I turn and face frontward as I say, “Just take me home.”
Evan doesn’t respond, and I’m grateful for this. My arms cross over my chest, and I focus on the cars and buildings passing by us. We drive the rest of the way home in silence. I know I shouldn’t have lashed out at him, but then maybe I do need to run from this situation. There’s more than just me here who could get destroyed. I need out of this car and fast. Approaching my driveway, Evan slows as if he’s waiting for my direction on which house to go to. “Here, I need time to think and process, Evan. Please allow me this,” I say, and I pray that he agrees. He doesn’t put up a fight as he pulls into my drive.
He doesn’t exit the car, but I can feel his eyes glaring into my back. Unlocking my door, I don’t turn back. I can’t witness the hurt on his face right now. It’s too much to handle. Instead, I drop to the floor of my entryway and text Natasha that I need her. I don’t want to bother Zara as she’s sleep deprived and doesn’t need my drama. Morgan is currently running two bakeries and has enough on her plate. Honestly, I shouldn’t even have reached out to Natasha now that I think about it. She’s still working on that huge case and has a family she needs to get home to. I quickly text her back and explain that I was overreacting and to ignore me. That I’ll be fine and will call her tomorrow. In the middle of the floor here alone, I realize that yes, for the first time in my life I can’t lean on the one person that I’ve always expected to be by my side. I only have myself to blame, and that reality hurts. I’ve pushed Brody away, and I just pushed Evan away the same way I always do. A quick look at the time, I dial my therapist’s office and schedule an appointment for tomorrow. I thought I could skip it, but with tomorrow being the last day before surgery, I need to get this out of the way. I need confirmation that I’m in over my head.
Dragging myself up from the floor, I head toward my office. I need to sink myself into the one thing that will take my mind off everything—work. I’ve been putting things off for far too long over the last few weeks and need to play catch up. I send out a few emails to clients as they need to be moved around until I can get back on my feet. Remembering to let Devon know what’s going on, I dial him up as this warrants a phone conversation. Thirty minutes go by, and I hear the knock at my door as I’m hanging up with Devon. Figuring it’s Evan, I ignore it. I don’t have the energy to stand and open it, much less deal with what he wants to talk about. My body is spent… The fears of becoming less of a woman than I already am is overtaking every thought I have.
The pounding is getting louder and louder as I close my eyes and pray he goes away. Evan has enough on his plate, and this is far more than a simple desert on the side. This is a one hell of a buffet that’s not offering an all you can eat price.
In two days, my life will change…
In two days, I’m losing a piece of me that’s been here for the last twenty-eight years…
In two days, I could lose more than just an ovary… It’s always a gamble when they do my surgeries. I’ve signed the waiver that I understand the risks and leave it to the unknown as we go in blind. Every time I wake, my friends know the question that I always ask. Do I still have everything? In truth, one day they could answer with a no, and this time I will be waking from surgery with something missing. Yes, it might be dead and damaged, but at times aren’t we all? Does that mean we just throw ourselves away like we never meant anything? Is this what I’m doing to the piece of me that is dead? Am I tossing it away like it doesn’t matter? With doing this will everything else disappear beside it? This is my truth… This could be life changing in more ways than I ever expected.
The pounding on the door ceases, which I’m thankful for. But instead of beating my door down, she’s calling my phone. I take the chance to look over at it and notice that Natasha is calling.
“Open the damn door, Frankie, or I’ll call Zara and get the key,” she says before hanging up on me. I let out a frustrated sigh and head out front to let her in before the reinforcements are called in.
Chapter 18
“I told you not to come,” saying as I motion for Natasha to enter. I shouldn’t have messaged her, as I momentarily forgot how she can freak out worse than Zara or Morgan. She takes one look at me and doesn’t ask anything before she wraps her arms around me. At this moment, I lose all will to stand, and we fall down together. Natasha allows me to cry into her chest as she gently rubs my back, soothing me to calm down. The tighter she cradles me, the harder I cry. Everything comes out—the sadness that I’ve been holding for so long, the fear, the emptiness from my heartache that I just pushed Evan away—everything.
“Frankie, I need you to calm down and tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help if I don’t know. Is it Evan?”
I sniffle and pull back some, wiping my face with the back of my hand. Natasha leans over to her purse and grabs a to-go pack of Kleenex, handing me one to wipe my face and nose with. “No, it’s me… I think I might have lost him, though. I can’t take all this, Natasha, it’s too much to process and deal with.”
“Easy, now. Tell me what happened? You guys were fine, what changed?”
“I went to the doctor today; I wasn’t supposed to go for another week but wanted to move it up. They got me in and scheduled the procedure. I have to be there at five-thirty Wednesday morning. I didn’t think it would happen so quick,” I say, crying more.
“Honey, why didn’t you call us? We would’ve went with you. Did you go alone, and what’s this have to do with Evan? I’m confused.”
“He went with me, and I can’t let him see me like this. He doesn’t understand, and what if they take it all this time, then what? We’re back to square one, and I’m nothing.”
“You aren’t nothing, do you hear me? That doesn’t make you who you are. What’s in your heart is what you are, Frankie. You love with your whole self; you fight like no one else I’ve ever seen. Lord knows you’ve been through hell and back and deserve to be happy. Don’t push him away. Were you even going to tell us?”
“Maybe, I don’t know… You guys have so much going on; I thought I would just have my mom take me. I don’t want to bother you guys with this, and this is why you need to go home to your family.”
“My family is right here on the floor with me, and the rest will be here soon.”
“Natasha, I don’t need everyone here. I promise I’ll be okay.”
“Sure you will, as soon as the girls get here. It’s going to be okay, and like the ones before, we’ll get you through this. We love you, and so does Evan.”
“I love him, too, but this I need to do alone,” I say as I push myself up from the floor, thinking how pathetic I am. Just when I think I’m getting my shit together, I fall apart like thi
s. I’m angry with myself for bringing attention to just how sad I am about this. Maybe I wasn’t ready to make this choice? Maybe I need to sleep on it a little longer before I make this decision. I was so caught up in being in love that I forgot that happy ever afters aren’t meant for me. They’re meant for hopeless romantics who believe in fairy tales and white fences with a side of hearts and flowers. I thought I was strong and could win against this battle. Ha, the joke’s on me now because I’ve hit rock bottom like a sinking ship hits the ocean floor. Pretty sure I can’t get any lower than this moment in my life. I’ve sent the one person that I’m madly in love with for the hills. Way to go, Frankie, you just won the card of all cards. I’m folding my hand now before I lose everything else that I have at stake here.
I move toward the living room, not saying a word to Natasha. The whole space is in slow motion, like I see the sofa within reach, but it seems so far away. Here I was making plans and changing the rules to my own game. My rules have always been to protect those that I love from the disease that consumes every breath I take. To hide behind my camera and let the world not truly see my soul. Because if they did see it, they would walk away from the dark, lonely place that I live in. I wanted to be tough for Evan and Neil, but that was a lie, too. Wednesday isn’t a cure, it’s a way of life… A way for me to say I’ve done everything I can to see if God is done playing a cruel joke on me. Every year I pray they will find a cure. Strangers say they will one day, but I know it’ll never happen. My life will forever be consumed with a pain that no one can see. My family and friends act as if they understand, but they can’t unless they experience it. They aren’t the ones who have to fight the will to get up in the morning, the ones who have to push through the day when all they want to do is lay in bed with a heating pad. It’s become easier for me to fake the smile... Until today. Now, it’s more real than anything else in my life. That diagnosis changed the rest of my life, and as much as I try to fight it, it wins at the end of the day. Learning to cope through the years has been a way of life, and if things go south on surgery day, I don’t know if I can take the heartache.
Today I’m exhausted…
Today I’m sick…
Today I don’t care about anything else…
Today I’m giving up on the battle to always win…
I can hear the voices echo from behind me. I know they’re close, but they sound so far away. They mix and mingle together, not allowing me to make out what they’re saying. I drag my arm behind me, pulling down the blanket from the back of the sofa and cover myself up. When I lean against the side cushion, I allow my eyes to slide shut. All the energy that I’ve stored up for a rainy day has left me. It’s gone and feels as if it will never return.
It’s dark and quiet when I try to open my eyes. I lay here listening for voices, but I don’t hear anyone. I shift on the sofa, trying to raise myself up and look around as I could’ve sworn that the girls were here before I went to sleep. My eyes focus on the clock on the wall across from me, and I notice it’s one in the morning. It’s then that I hear the light typing from a keyboard coming from the dining room. Standing, I head in that direction to see who stayed.
“Evan,” I whisper, and he turns toward my voice. He pushes the seat back, stands, and heads straight toward me. We don’t speak, he just wraps his arms around me and holds me for I don’t know how long. When I pull back, I quickly look around to see if anyone else is here, and instantly my mind races to Neil. “Where’s Neil?”
“With my mom, he’s going to stay with her for a few days. That’ll give me time to be here for you. I explained to him that you had to see a doctor so they could make you better. He’s a little worried, but I promised him that as soon as you were better, I’d bring him over to see you.”
“I’ll never be better, Evan. You shouldn’t have given him false hope. This is why you need to leave,” I say, pulling completely away from him.
“Not happening, you can push and push, but I’m staying or you’re moving in with me. You need to face a few things, Frankie, and hear me out. I talked with your friends and got a little insight on how to handle you. See, you think it’s just that easy—that I can turn and walk away from you after you have become someone important to both myself and Neil. It's not. We want you in our lives, and when I say that, I mean we want you in them forever. I’m not asking you to marry me tonight, but just know it’s coming, and you’ll say yes because I know you love me. You think you’re protecting us from what you go through, but you’re not. We need you just as much as you need us. It’s that simple, Frankie. When you wake from surgery on Wednesday, it’ll be to my face in the recovery room. When you need help getting out of bed or up from the couch, it’ll be me who does that. When you want to have a breakdown in the middle of the floor, it’ll be me who picks you up and holds you tight. That I will promise you, and you need to promise to stop pushing people away. Stop the running, unless you want to run away with me—then I’ll accept that.”
Crying once again today, or is it considered tomorrow since it’s after midnight, I don’t know but all I can say is, “I’ll run with you, and you can’t say those sappy words to an emotional person.
“We both need sleep; come on, we have stuff to do tomorrow.”
And just like that, Evan made my world spin around. I thought I might’ve pushed him away, but he came back like a boomerang. I don’t know what the girls said to him, but I also know that they wouldn’t give my secrets away. Some things are always said to never be spoken of again, while others can be shared when they need to be. As we both slide into my bed, I curl up to his side and thank the lucky stars that he has enough energy to fight me on this. I’m not sure if my pride would’ve allowed me to crawl back and ask forgiveness from this man who holds my heart more now than ever before. I have a feeling if I leap from the side of the mountain, Evan will be right beside me making sure I land safe and sound to do it again. Yes, I had an emotional break, but what girl doesn’t? It’s healing, right? If you hold it in for too long, you’ll crack just like I did in the middle of your entryway while your best friends tries to save you. Now it seems that it wasn’t one of the girls or Brody to save me from my self-destruction, it was Evan—the one that I’m meant to be with no matter what the outcome is after my surgery.
Chapter 19
Yesterday was spent cleaning and making sure I had all my work caught up as I tried to not think about today. I made Zara promise to stay home as she’s exhausted and needs to be home with Madison. Morgan refuses to listen to my plea of her not coming just as Natasha moved her whole schedule for the day. Evan’s agreed to drive me and make sure that I get home afterward. The fight to win left me as I know better than to argue with a lawyer and someone who bakes for me. Natasha would have me pleading guilty to something that never happened while Morgan would whip up something new and have me taste test. Which, mind you, her taste tests are usually good for us, but at times when she’s upset with us, it comes out salty and not so pleasant.
Evan stayed at his house last night, and I’m surprised he let me out of his sight. We did, however, have a nice evening with Neil. We went to dinner and then back to their house for a round of cartoons and reading. Tucking Neil in after I read two books to him caused my heart to constrict, but this time it wasn’t from sadness, it was because I want to every night. I find myself missing him in the day and wanting to experience the mornings with him. Is he pleasant to be around? Is he hungry as soon as his feet hit the floor? This is stuff that I not only want but need to know. Pushing my thoughts away, I double check that I have everything packed before Evan arrives in five minutes. The hospital instructed me to pack a bag just in case I need it. Our plan is for me to come home afterward and rest here at my house. I’ve only had to stay over from one previous surgery. The anesthesia they used hit me hard and caused me all kinds of nausea. They were worried since I lived alone that I wouldn’t be able to get to and from the restroom in time, meaning I had to stay in the twenty-fou
r hour unit.
The sound of a car door shutting causes me to look out the front window. As soon as I notice Evan, I grab my stuff and head out toward him. No need for him to come in as I’m ready to get to the hospital and get this over with. The sooner we get there, the faster I can get home and recover. Yesterday when I went for my pre-op, they went over the risks again. Explaining all the things that I’ve heard a million times in the past. I shook my head, agreed that I understood them all, and signed my life away on the dotted line. I know they have to say those things and explain them, but it’s like a broken record; over and over they go. Between two different nurses, I heard the same boring statement. I was to the point that if they went into details one more time I was going to blow my lid. The last nurse, I kindly smiled in her direction and explained, “I know, this is my eleventh time going under.” She shrugged and went about asking me questions.
“Ready?” Evan asks, walking up to take my bag from me.
“Not really, but it’s almost show time.” When I replay those words, I realize I didn’t mean to come off as bitchy as I did. I smile up at him as I watch him place the small overnight bag in the trunk. I’m doing my best to not take this out on him.
I mean, I asked for this surgery…
But I asked because my body was telling me it was time to let go of a piece of me that makes me a woman. I’ve only ever seen my female organs on an ultrasound machine. They can’t talk and explain how they feel. They didn’t get to pick this life, and if I was to put myself in their shoes, I’d think they would be sad just like I am.
Heated Sweets (A Taste of Love Book 3) Page 16